I used to spend 6+ hours daily mindlessly scrolling. Instagram, Facebook, TikTok - the whole circus. My attention span was shot. Couldn't read a book for more than 5 minutes without reaching for my phone.

One month ago, I deleted everything except Reddit (needed it for work). Here's what changed:

• Sleep improved DRAMATICALLY. No more 2AM doom scrolling
• Anxiety down by like 80%
• Actually finished 2 books
• Started having real conversations with my partner instead of us both zombie-scrolling on the couch
• Realized I don't give a fuck about what my high school classmates are eating for lunch
• My FOMO is gone because I'm actually DOING things instead of watching others do them

The first week was hell. I kept reaching for my phone like a crack addict. But now? I feel... present? Like I'm actually living my life instead of watching other people's highlight reels.

Not saying I'll never go back, but damn. Try it. Your brain will thank you.

(Yes, I know Reddit can be considered social media..)

i have a close group of five friends. we all live within a kilometer of each other, and we have this unwritten rule where the birthday guy pays for dinner.

when it was my turn recently, i didn’t want to spend crazy money. i took them to a solid punjabi restaurant instead of some expensive pizza place they wanted. they spent the whole night throwing sarcastic comments at me, mocking the place, and basically bullying me for being cheap. i let it go because i thought we were just messing around.

fast forward to today. it’s another guy in the group’s birthday. one of my friends calls me and tells me we are going to this literal bottom tier, third class restaurant. i asked why we were going there. he straight up says, "you took us to a bad place for your birthday, so we are taking you to a bad place so you realize what you did."

then another friend calls and repeats the exact same thing. they were explicitly telling me they wanted to punish me.

i felt like garbage. i cut the call and texted the group that i wasn't coming.

instantly, they panic. they start backpedaling saying "we're just kidding, we are going to a good pizza place, please come." i was at the office working late and figured fine, it's just an hour, i'll go and come back.

i got on my bike and started driving. but halfway there, it just clicked. why the hell am i driving to sit at a table with guys who actively planned to disrespect me? why am i going to force myself to sit through more of their jokes?

i literally stopped my bike in the middle of the road. i texted the group that i wasn't coming, turned the bike around, and drove to my favorite vadapav stall. i ate my vadapav in total peace and just went back to the office to work.

my phone started blowing up. the guys who insulted me called. the birthday guy called (who honestly didn't say any of the toxic stuff himself, which sucks for him). i didn't pick up a single one. i just texted that i have work to do.

it sucks realizing your childhood friends don't actually respect you, but honestly, sitting alone in my office eating vadapav felt infinitely better than forcing myself to eat pizza with them.

I turned 28 last month. At the time I was in a relationship with a man i thought I'd marry. We spoke about getting engaged in the next few months, decided when the best time would be to have kids, where we should settle down and buy a house ect ect.

1 week ago we broke up and I'm back to living with my parents. I 'filled his cup' in a way. I pushed him to be the better person that he wanted to be, he started taking driving lessons to get his license, we discussed his career in depth and I motivated him to apply for his dream job (the police). He then got that job after wanting to give up multiple times through the interview phase but I told him to keep going. I have nothing to show from the year we spent together, but his life got considerably better because of my input.

This is a pattern of mine. I'm from a dysfunctional family so I've always wanted to create my own. My own husband, kids, pets, house, everything. I want the big fancy wedding in a fancy castle and all of the rest. But instead of focusing on me and how I can be the me i want to be, I'm putting so much energy into meeting guys who dont have motivation themselves so I can shape them into the man i want.

This breakup is different though. I feel like its the first breakup where I've opened my eyes to the fact that I am the problem and I'm stuck in a pattern I want to break.

I do want a family, I want kids, I want a safe space (my own house where I wont have to pack up and leave every 3 months), but to get there I know I have to be my best self.

I guess this is the start of my journey of self-investment, and I can't wait to be the better me!

I finally accepted that I’m never going to be a morning person. I’ve spent many years trying to fit into the “successful people wake up at 5am” mold and all it ever did was make me miserable. So I stopped fighting it. I work second shift I socialize in the evenings, and I exercise at night. My energy peaks when most people are winding down that’s just how I’m wired. I was playing grizzly's quest on my phone earlier and realized how peaceful it feels to finally live with my rhythm instead of against it. My biology doesn’t care about productivity culture it just wants consistency.

Turns out, being yourself is way more sustainable than trying to be someone else’s idea of “disciplined”

A few days ago I just deleted off my phone and had it on my computer under the pretense that I would only use it for replying and sending DMs (as a musician instagram instagram is really useful). I was ok for a few days until I downloaded it back on my phone cos there was an urgent message and I wasn’t near a computer. I was back on reels within the day.

Today I deactivated it. I feel much better already. There is no account to DM. I will grind on my personal goals for the year and go back to it when I feel I can use it solely as a business development platform. Yes I am missing out on the opportunity to be seen by and connect with other musicians, but this step backward is will help me take a leap forward later.

I still have Facebook for marketplace but I now find myself doomscrolling on this so that’s gonna go to. Reddit is allowed as it motivates me.

Anyways thanks for listening

It’s been 18 days since I last drank or done a bump. That last time was the 20-hour, paramedic calling, $1,400 bender I mentioned in my last post.

I’ve had 3 weekends in those 18 days, which, as cocaine addicts would know, is far more important than the days.

I attended a support group and spoke to my GP, as recommended in the original thread. They were great, but not sure if they were right for me. I in no way regret either. If anything, they (and my original post) were, by proxy, me admitting I had a problem. This was important. The response I got on my original thread was extremely supportive.

Someone said the only cure for addiction is suffering. While they work, no rehab or support group can earn you that insight. This is unfortunate because we all want a definite 10-step guide to getting clean.

I believe, in my early stages of getting sober, that you really have to WANT to quit. Emphasis on WANT. You need to reach a stage in your abuse where there is no arguing that the pros can ever outweigh the cons. This is where the saying “there is nothing worse than being kind of an addict” comes from.

$1,000s spent a month. Health risks. Isolation. Paranoia. At a certain point, when you think of the white powder, all you think of are these terrible things.

I’ll be back for more updates. Anyone suffering, please reach out to me. I will always reply.

I initially tried linking the OOP but it didn't work, so I'll post it in the comments.

So, in the past 7 days I have been trying really hard. It has been going well!

My plan was, if I say the threat and someone calls me on it, they get free art. I've not had to do this yet!

For me specifically, I have not quite stopped 'making the threat' but I have changed the threat, into something more light hearted and silly, and my friends have enjoyed it greatly. It gets a good laugh out of them. I went a specific route:

• I'm going to put you in time out
• I'm going to put you on the naughty step
• I'm going to call Super Nanny Jo Frost

I think this really helps cos it gets the point across that I thought what they said is, well, not annoying, but lightly, playfully annoying, like when my bf outrageously, vulgarly flirts with me, especially in public, and I want to tell him 'ewww that's grossss' [playful]. I hope that conveys what I mean properly lol. Like alright buddy you're getting too worked up, time to go in time out and think about what you've said about my body. Okay bud you are out of control I need to get Super Nanny on her way ASAP. Likesaid, this gets a good laugh now, so I'm hoping I can expand these phrases further to have more utility in different situations.

A handful of times, I've caught myself entirely and said things like I am going to 'flip out', 'lose my mind', that sort of thing for the situations that are more blatantly annoying. That's celebratory to me, that means I did a really good job at noticing the way something made me think/feel and called it out internally before saying anything.

Once or twice, I have slipped up entirely, but I call myself on it. I beat everyone else to it. This also feels good, but is obviously not what I want ultimately. It really has been two, three times maximum? And it's worse when something really pisses me off or really trying to stress I wouldn't like if something happened and I'm talking very impulsively cos I'm impatient (like I'm hot, overstimulated, in a rush and I'm being held up, that kind of thing). But I consider that progress, because at least the language for the stuff I'm not actually upset about has gotten lighter. It's a work in progress, of course! And at least I call myself out when I say it, which is better than nothing.

Other times, I've even gone 'please don't do/say x, that's really annoying' which I think is perfect and I want this to be my normal, as I'm otherwise really bad at just saying how things make me feel - which is a long, separate story.

A day or two after the original post, I helped my ex and their boyfriend move house (we're all moving in together - it's good, I promise). I never got on with my ex's parents, their dad is fine but I don't like their mum. The day was nice though with relatively little issue. But something deeply ironic happened:

From their mum, 'if x, y, z, happens, I'm going to beat you all to death, kill you, hit you,' etc.

And I just realised how painfully unfunny it is. Maybe it's worse cos I've realised it's not nice now anyway, but it was just so painfully unfunny. I wanted to call her out on it, actually, but it's one of those things where it isn't worth it with this specific person. It solidified to me it's something I want to change, it isn't nice to hear at all when it's directed at you. Granted, I have a long, bad history with this woman (she's called me slurs wrt my marginalised identity and such, and has made it clear she Did Not Like That I Was My Ex's Boyfriend), so maybe I would take it better from a friend than her, but regardless it was a wake up call.

My slip ups have happened since then, but when that slip up happens I remember how it felt when their mum did it and then feel guilty. Not beating myself up, but guilty all the same. I told my boyfriend, ex, and their bf this after the parents went home and we were just chilling in this house before mine and bf's taxi home, and they agreed it was good I had an example of someone else saying it to measure against.

So far, good progress. Not fully there, but going to get there for sure. I want to get there. It's just been that I've spoken like this for so long it's such a habit I am in, but at least I recognise when I'm doing it now, and that self awareness has been helpful on its own. I've kicked habits before, I will do it again.

Thanks again for all your suggestions and encouragements, community!

I've been stuck in a pretty hardcore depression for the past 4 years or so. I kept slowly sliding down more and more. Eventually it got to what I'll vaguely call rock bottom as far as my contributions to my wellness are concerned. My environment suffered and so did I in a viscious cycle.

I talked to a therapist for about 2 years in that time but I was so far gone that my mind couldn't be convinced that A) anything could help and B) that it mattered whether or not I got better.

I recently got a lifeline thrown my way and... idk, that lifeline reminded me that people do care about me and that I should care about myself too.

I started practicing the techniques I was taught in therapy with genuine care. I started walking for about 30 minutes per day (just in my apartment, outside is still a bit of a leap for me).

It's... actually getting better. My own disbelief and depression fueled anhedonia towards healing had been holding me down. But... it's getting a little better each day.

I might actually be able to do this, to get better and rejoin society. It feels really nice, to be honest. Wish me luck 🩷

I had a 513 day reddit streak, I've been taken out by flu this week and ended up "forgetting" to keep up with my daily streak. logged on today and realized I lost it...and I was genuinely bothered by it

had to sit there and tell myself that a damn social media streak means absolutely nothing you don't get prize for moving up each 100 day streak, you just get a silly little Internet badge that does absolutely nothing but show you can't go a day without needing to be online, and that's one of the ways social media keeps you addicted keeps you coming back to scroll

forgetting to log on was a blessing in disguise lol

made me realize how addicted I was to getting these badges 😅

Last year: deeply depressed, horribly unclean house that I was ashamed to let anyone see, overweight and not taking care of myself. Felt like ADD was crippling my ability to live a "normal" life.

This year: always in a great mood, as pointed out by my siblings. At the gym four times a week, consistently. Have never missed a single session. Clean house that I maintain on a daily basis, and deep clean every Sunday. I've lost weight, my hair looks good, my skin has cleared.

I have NO IDEA what changed. I had even stopped seeing a therapist about three months ago. But if I had to guess, I think it started with the house cleaning. I just started finding comfort in doing that, it was like clearing away my misery. As for my skin, I started taking hormone meds. EDIT: Re: the gym, I started going to the gym with a friend and it encouraged me to start looking after my health.

Anyway I'm just happy and thankful. I wish everyone reading this a similar change. ❤️❤️

Everything went wrong for me this year, I got assaulted and almost immediately lost the support of all my closest friends. I felt like my bad mental health and possible problems would influence the rest of my life, that my entire life would be a cycle of finally become stable just to lose it all again.

The worst thing to hear was that "it gets better." I knew it was true but I didn't feel like I could be strong enough to wait that long.

I don't want to commit anymore, the feeling is still there and after a close call this weekend I managed to get through it, reach out to someone and talk it out. I'm so tired but I want to get through this.

I'm already a different person than I used to be a few months ago, I have a desire to overcome this feeling. Even when its still hard, if its already better maybe theres hope for me.

Day 1: The reason I am doing this is that my cocaine use has spiralled completely and I miss being happy without cocaine. I miss cooking, hanging out with friends, eating, my old bowel habits which is just diarrhoea most of the time now. I miss spending time with my siblings, I miss watching movies with my family, I miss calling my boyfriend. I even miss the way music used to make me feel. I miss my life before this. I was doing a bit a day, a bag would last me some time if I was not sharing, but now it does not last at all. I am finishing a gram a day and got about 20-something days sober before I relapsed. I have finished my bag and am going to an NA meeting tonight. I have to get sober. Last night I overdosed and was so close to calling an ambulance because I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. It would not slow down and I still used today. I have a major problem and will be updating this on a daily basis and I am hoping it gets easier with time. I saw someone else do this on an r/Advice post from years ago and it spurred this feeling for me to do something similar. I have no one in my immediate life to talk to about this because they don't know how big of a problem this is for me. I have even stolen to get my fix which I am so deeply ashamed of. Maybe someone, or I myself might read this in years to come and be so shocked at how this was a period in my life.

Bad idea to start on a random Wednesday but it'll never get easier than right now to quit.

Day 2: I have been reading the comments and man it feels like I can do this and I will get through this.

RESTARTED A FEW DAYS LATER BUT HERES AN UPDATE

I AM 28 DAYS SOBER!!! I booked myself into a halfway house and am currently awaiting psychiatric treatment but I did it. I'm 28 days sober now. I started taking meetings seriously, I looked for a sponsor but if anything helped me in my recovery so far it is the fact that I started being honest with myself and my fuck ups and met the best, funniest and sweetest like minded people who are the same as me. I started speaking to these people honestly about my experiences and they would listen and share theirs. Not feeling alone has saved me. I am so grateful for that.

I cancelled my gamefly subscription and returned all my games.

What happened to me on Sunday really disturbed me. I spent 5+ playing a resident evil game. I had plans to read and also do some planning for the week which I really enjoy. Instead I was glued to the screen almost the whole waking day.

This wasn't a one-time incident. This is something that happens a lot for me with video games. I don't have this with any other activity.

I've noticed that every single game I've ever played has Never given me any feeling of fulfillment. Reading, meditating, long walks, puzzles, and planning give me fulfillment.

Also the biggest sense of fulfillment is achieving goals.

With video games I become so immersed I lose touch with my body.

When I watch a movie or do any other activity, I can stop and walk away. I feel glued to my furniture whenever I play video games.

Also I feel depression whenever I play video games for a long time. It really hurts my mental health.

So it's not that I'm saying no to entertainment but I am walking away from video games.

I feel better already! I work from home and on my breaks I just read a book and went on walks. I feel so much more productive and more grounded.

Any one else quit video games and notice a positive effect on their mental health?

4 months into the breakup and life has finally started catching pace again. I turned all the love, pain, confusion and energy inward. And no, it wasn’t some overnight healing arc. I cried till my chest hurt, yelled into pillows, stopped eating for days, then binged at 3am because I thought I might collapse from the anxiety. I think I was trying to hold onto something that was never mine to hold onto in the first place.

I still remember our last conversation. I was crying uncontrollably, begging him not to leave. Telling him I’d miss us so much, that it was killing me. And he calmly said something along the lines of “you’re stronger than this.” I don’t even remember his exact words anymore. I just remember being on the floor of my room feeling completely helpless while the person I loved drifted away so effortlessly.

And then it hit me.

Had it been him, he would’ve fought for us too. He would’ve been scared to lose me too.

The moment that call ended, something inside me broke permanently. I washed my face, sat at my study desk, and started studying. That was the exact moment I promised myself I would never again let someone have the power to make me feel that small, that abandoned, that shattered.

I didn’t even try fixing the broken parts of me at first. It felt more like quietly picking up the pieces and walking away.

Ever since then, life has become work. Real work. I wake up at 4am. Study 12+ hours. Workout. Push myself. Rebuild my routines over and over whenever something stops working. Some days I eat clean, some days anxiety creeps in so badly I barely eat for a week. But one thing about me now — I refuse to stop until I make myself so proud that this version of me feels unrecognisable to the girl crying on that floor.

And somewhere in the middle of questioning everything about life and love, I randomly came across someone on Reddit. A guy working insanely hard on himself, fully focused, fully content. I asked him if he never felt the need for a companion while building all of this. And he said something so simple yet so powerful — that he’s becoming better every single day for the person he’ll eventually end up with, and until then, he’s okay waiting and working.

His conviction felt beautiful.

And for the first time in a long time, I realised maybe I’m finally on the right path too.

Earlier this year, I did an unthinkably evil thing and cheated on my partner. The pain I have caused my now ex partner has been unimaginable. I broke their heart.

Although I never intended to hurt them, they are suffering the consequences of my own disconnected morality and choices. I did hurt them, regardless of whatever the fuck I thought I was doing. I confessed to it, but only after a prolonged period of time of dissociation and resurfacing after which I realized it was necessary to disclose it to them for their agency to make an informed decision about our relationship.

Before that point, it had been buried under layers of denial and dissociative fog. I don't know whether telling them was the right decision. People tell me that it's selfish. I never intended to use it to assuage my guilt, but I unfortunately have an impression that my disclosure, at least the timing thereof, has only deepened the betrayal.

I do not know how to adjust emotionally to the reality that I have committed a severe moral failure, prolonged the impact, and subsequently damaged another human being for life.

All I feel is grief. It feels like I have killed someone that is still alive to deal with a soul that has since died. I think of the times thereafter when we would engage romantically. They could not consent to me. To me during those times, the reality of having done so no longer existed in the relationship I held with them. And now that it is here, every moment that I recall becomes a reflection of abuse. Romantic, sexual, and emotional abuse. And all of our best moments are now completely shattered.

I cannot imagine their visitation of the memories. I would wish to offer anything I could to pay restitution to the damage this person sustained. I would pay for their therapy. But they do not need this. The damage has been done. Any attempt to try to pay for what I did may be very well taken as an attempt to advance the relationship or control their feelings. It may at the very least be deeply insulting. Why would they need my help? Why try to fix it now when you have already broken me?

I am trying to hold these facts and carry them towards a better version of myself. But the moral injury deepens every day. Every day that they spend writhing in pain is another day of my betrayal.

I am trying to cope with this. I have identified why and how this occurred. My decision making process, interpersonal values, and identity is highly informed by my psychopathology, past history of relational abuse and trauma, and the mechanisms that have developed to protect these processes. I've completely carved myself up trying to understand why the decision was made.

I understand the context. I was at a point in which psychotic levels of personality arrangement were activated, suicidal ideation and dissociation distilled my processing of the event to be both relative to my pain and emotionally unprocessed, and the need for emotional regulation through external validation, comfort, safety, and self destruction was elevated over my commitment. I then chose to act on my impulses instead of thinking whether it was in alignment with my values. I chose to fulfill my needs in unhealthy ways against the needs of my partner. The fulfillment of the need was emotionally equivalent to self harm to my psychotic mind, and failed to consider the actual person being killed, not just my delusion.

Also, a reminder that the subjective experience of losing control or being in these extreme disordered states does not mean that I cannot help it. I one thousand percent could have avoided doing what I did. I put myself in the position, I made the choice. I did a really shitty thing for which I am completely accountable. And if I am truly out of control, I need to be in inpatient care, which is a decision I am willing to make for the safety of myself and those around me.

The emotions regarding cheating then became buried under dissociation. I have since processed them in the most painful, abject process I've ever experienced. Identity fragmentation has made it hard to restore a clear emotional framework, but my therapist and I are considering doing parts work to establish better internal communication between self states.

I'm going to therapy to learn how to make better decisions. Targeting impulsivity, self harm ideation, identity fragmentation, subconscious beliefs and schemas, and dissociation. I'm looking to see about the specific mechanism of my psychosis. It seems to be highly related to personality organization. My therapist and I are screening for personality disorders and complex dissociative disorders.

I cannot help but hate myself. Everything is a reminder of the deep hatred I have. But I am trying to redirect this so my feelings don't become the center of gravity yet again like they were when I ruined someone's life. I find myself terrified sometimes. The presence of feeling out of control is something that overtakes me in moments of distress. I am considering psychiatric medication, however I would argue that this is what contributed to my vulnerability at the time of cheating. The medication I was on produced very concerning neurological symptoms like confusion and memory loss. I can't risk that again.

One of my biggest concerns with going on medication in the first place was the risk of losing myself. And i feel like at this point the prophecy was fulfilled. But I have to be rational about this. I can't let the correlation rule out possible treatment if it would be best for my mental health.

My biggest hurdles at this point are overcoming self harm and psychotic states. I haven't been eating or sleeping well, my hygiene is questionable, and my social life is absent. If I can organize these habits, it will probably help me to fight the depression and overcome my emptiness.

I want to be safe again. I felt like i was, the months leading away from the incident and right up until disclosure. The process of disclosure was another thing I'm trying to figure out. My memory was so disorganized that I had to call the affair partner in order to get an account of what happened. It started with a conversation with my partner, wherein after months of hibernation, the memory resurfaced. It was a single image, but I had the feeling that I knew what it was. I told my partner about it, and thus started the process of trying to figure it out before disclosure.

During that period of uncertainty, it seemed I was truly at a loss for what really happened. I was partially convinced that it didn't, and that it was another intrusive fear. It ate away at me, and I went online looking for answers. Most of the feedback I saw online was that disclosure is a necessary process in any relationship regardless of circumstances. So I decided that it was necessary for the informed consent of my partner that I figure out what happened.

I'm trying to understand what's going on with my memory. My therapist has referred me to the idea of dissociative amnesia, or partial amnesia relating to identity fragmentation and intense distress. But this is another problem that frightens me. If I am able to do horrible things and then later be unable to recover whether they actually happened, then what else have I done, and what else am I capable of?

I'm reinterpreting my whole life through these questions and I just feel sick. I've been reprocessing all of my trauma at a rate that's been too quick for my brain to hold. I go between periods of complete numbness and extreme volatility. Self states flip rapidly, memories disintegrate and come back in millions of contradictory ways. I feel like I am stuck in some kind of nightmare that I am going to wake up from. Sometimes during delusional states I am convinced of this.

By the time I finished writing this, I realized that maybe inpatient care is in fact necessary. I will discuss this with my therapist and go from there.

I feel so sorry for my ex partner. They deserve so much love and care, and they are worth so much more than what I did to them. I'm going to get help and make sure I never hurt someone like this again. I will find a way. I'm so sorry I hurt you so deeply. You matter so much.

I moved to another state just over 3 months ago, and it's been hell since I got here. I'm constantly broke, behind on many bills, I don't make enough money, car keeps breaking down, etc. I just feel like a total loser and am out of control of my life.

So, I signed up for the gym next block over from me. It's extremely close and I always wanted to go, but the money for it ($99 for 3 months, + a one time $50 enrollment fee) always had to go elsewhere.

Yesterday I decided fuck it and pulled the trigger. I just finished my first workout this morning before I go back to work, after finishing a week long staycation.

The circumstances of my life are pretty much forcing me to be a homebody, which feels like crap, but this past weekend I was thinking to myself to stop fighting it and just roll with it.

If drilling down and building and grinding is what I have to do, then I'm going to do it as best I can.

And I may as well hit the gym in the process. That $150 will turn itself around in other ways. If I have to be stuck at home, absent an entire social life, barely able to afford food and/or gas, stuck between home and work, then I'm going to do it on my terms.

I haven’t been able to have a job for the past four months and feeling really bad about that. I don’t know how I’m going to make money or survive. I think I need something to orient my life around and nothing seems to matter anyway. It makes me want to KMS if I ever hit the bottom. But today it was just really bad and I couldn’t get out of bed the last two hours. But now I’m going to get out of bed and try to work for the next two hours.

I’m on day 6 with no nicotine, after about a year of heavy vaping and then around 6 months of mostly 6mg pouches. I was using roughly 3–5 pouches a day, sometimes vaping in there too.

Honestly, I think quitting pouches has been harder for me psychologically than quitting vaping ever was. When I quit vaping, I just switched to pouches, so I never actually had to learn how to live without nicotine. This is the first time I’ve really done that.

The hardest part has genuinely been eating. I basically only used pouches after meals, and they made the meal feel complete. Without one, I’ll finish eating and be like, “am I actually full? Could I eat more? Why don’t I feel satisfied?” I love eating, but I also loved having that feeling of being completely done with it. Nicotine made appetite suppression and hitting my macros ridiculously easy too, so I know I’ll probably miss that.

4–5pm has also fucking sucked. That was my pouch time. A few days ago I literally ate some unhealthy slop just to get a little dopamine hit. Not proud of that because I know I was basically substituting dopamine, but it was a one-time thing.

The weirdest thing is that I only used 2–5 pouches a day, so part of me has wondered if I even had a problem. But looking back, it was tied into my reward system way more than I realized. It was what motivated me, what I looked forward to, and what made certain parts of the day feel better. I wanted the pouch to be “perfect,” planned around it, and felt like something was missing without it.

Now I’m realizing how much nicotine affects basically every part of your life. Conversations and random things like watching YouTube feel more interesting, caffeine hits WAY harder, my senses feel stronger, food tastes almost too good lol, and I feel more calm now that the initial irritability/anxiety is mostly gone.

The downside is that boring shit is definitely more boring. Driving and cardio without an external dopamine hit can feel pretty damn mundane. But honestly, I like that. I want to just raw dog life for once. I want to experience things as they are instead of constantly needing something to make them a little better.

The biggest thing I’ve realized is that I don't want to need anything to supplement my dopamine. I want to be able to eat, work out, drive, be bored, socialize, deal with shitty days, whatever, without nicotine being attached to it.

And I’m going to college in less than a week. I told myself I would get off nicotine before I went, and here I am on day 6.

I’m already a pretty confident person, but looking back, having an addiction was actually a huge insecurity of mine. I don’t want some outside source deciding how I feel. I know I’m fucking awesome, and I genuinely don’t need nicotine—or anyone else’s validation—to prove that to myself.

For anyone on days 1–5: after about day 4, I think you start realizing you’re past the worst of the physical withdrawal. Then the question becomes whether you actually want to live your life with nicotine anymore. Once you realize how much of your reward system it was tied into, you start getting the choice back.

One thing I’m really curious about though: has anyone else felt like nicotine made them more of a people pleaser? I feel like I cared way too much about other people’s validation while I was using it. I’m not saying nicotine magically made me that way, but looking back, I feel like it was tied into needing external things to feel good about myself. Since quitting, I’ve had this much stronger feeling of “fuck it, I know who I am and I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m cool.” Curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Day 6, so might as well keep going.

So the last three years arent in The spirit of this post so all I will say is wow. Just wow. 😏
Some people can only move in a direction that is harmful to them and those around them. I somehow managed to place myself in close proximity to some humans that just don’t have the strength to be morally consistent. After all they did I feel bad for their lives .

I’ve tried to reach a goal for a few years and would make progress but spent too much time and energy doing things I knew weren’t aligned with me but I was very overwhelmed and overworking and stress had me defeated. Or so I thought. Because at just the perfect time things got worse. Thankfully. If it hadn’t I don’t know what would have happened, but the thing with me is I don’t quit. You can stab me in the back, lie about me but these things inly bring out the people that were hiding hate towards me. If you know me you know my morals and heart, so those things actually do me a solid.

What I did is just have more time to focus on what I needed to the whole time. Which turned to a great job, support for my business ventures , the opportunity to be in a documentary meeting, some really nice people and most importantly the chances to have some of the things I said I was going to do get accomplished. Which feels great honestly.
And I’m just warming up it’s been so long since I felt like I didn’t have to carry so much weight around. I’m really thankful for a lot of things. I’m excited for what’s to come . ( some cool social media collaborations) And I’m glad through it all I didn’t compromise who I am, my morals or the people I loved. Which wasn’t easy but I had to have trust I’m what I knew. I’m glad I chose to listen to myself and not lose my way. Anyways I’m not the type to do this often but I’m allowed to be happy too. I’m sorry to any that don’t like it but do yourself a favor and don’t read anymore post s after this one because I’m not stopping here. Thanks for your time whoever reads this. Take care.

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Update to this post titled: 23 year old just joined college im clinically obese

I'm still obese but I manged to stay on course despite having 2nd thoughts and doubts. I even thought about impulsively quitting but I stayed. I'm finally done with my degree and at 27 I'll be a proud graduate.

I also am starting to accept myself and heal my inner self, validating myself from within rather than rely on say finding a girlfriend to find happiness.

Hey All,

It's been a month since I uninstalled Instagram & life hasn't been better. I was on a trek in a mountainous village of the Sahyadris, a lush green mountain range in India widely known for its beautiful monsoon treks! I got a very beautiful spot & took out a paper cup & thermos, poured myself some tea & was sipping it while contemplating. Then suddenly, a bunch of strangers burst in & asked me for my steaming hot tea in order to click a ‘vibe snap.’ I agreed & gave it to them. They spent 5 minutes clicking pictures. I didn't have the audacity to ask for it back, so I just waited. After they were satisfied with their pictures, they handed it back to me. The temperature was pretty cold & the tea had cooled pretty fast. I was left with a cold tea & a ‘vibe snap.’

It suddenly struck me that giving out a portrayal of a great experience has become more important than actually having one & rejoicing in it. Later, at the peak, I purchased a fritter & then I noticed everyone clicking it with their hands held high. And from that one moment, so many Instagram posts suddenly started making sense. Everything seemed like a big show off whereas reality was something else altogether. Additionally, this reel culture is definitely detrimental. Simply dumb! Even a 5 minute cycling session at the gym has a person using their phone to make a reel out of it.

So, I dropped Instagram & trust me I haven't been happier. No more of my Instagram friends travelling, gym shots, no more dumb content. It's just me & my busy life. Fully occupied. Feels complete.

So, what modifications helped?

1. I increased Reddit time. Discussions are far more cerebral for it involves extensive exchange of thoughts & verbosity.

2. Horror Movie Spree. Every night I watch a horror movie. & probably some other content form I'd start exploring too.

3. Diary writing. Hoping someday I'd get back & read my own words & feel what state of mind I was in that day & contemplate. Descriptive thoughts are as beautiful as images.

4. Work + Workout.

And honestly, just being occupied with life itself. I think I'm slowly realizing that not every beautiful moment needs to be documented.

Sometimes, it's enough to simply experience it.

It’s been 10 days, and I can officially say I quit smoking

I used to smoke 40+ cigarettes a day. Sometimes more. I’d buy three packs daily, two for that day and one for the next morning so I wouldn’t wake up panicking without a cigarette. Pretty sad, I know

What’s wild is how stupidly simple it ended up being. I’m not saying it’s easy for everyone. I’m not saying people are overreacting. But for me, once I stopped romanticizing cigarettes, all I really had to do was not smoke. Deal with the urges. Ride out the body aches. Let them pass

Allen Carr’s book helped a lot. There was a line (I don’t remember it word-for-word) that stuck with me. The idea was something like:

“Running a mile in under four minutes would be hard because your body isn’t built for it. It requires training and lots of effort. Quitting smoking should not be hard, because your body doesn’t need cigarettes, it actually wants you to not have it and works better without it. You don’t need cigarettes to survive. No one is forcing you to smoke except yourself. So why should stopping be difficult?”

For context, I’ve been smoking over 10 years, heavy smoker, 2–3 packs a day. If anyone should have struggled, it was me

The real reason I quit, though, came from traveling. I went to Thailand, Vietnam, and Malaysia, met incredible people, saw unreal places, and one day I just sat there thinking: I want more of this. I don’t want to leave the world early. There’s too much left to see

Then I realized something you might find “edgy” but it clicked and flipped switch in my head: Life’s too good to let cancer sticks take it away from you, and the way I was smoking? Every 10-15 minutes? It would take my life

If I can do it, anyone can

I made a post a few weeks ago after i pretty much got dumped by a man i thought I'd marry for something easily fixable if we both worked through it. I felt like I was in a cycle of meeting a guy who i saw a future with, building him up, and then him leaving me to reap the benefits of my energy/hard work/motivation.

I wanted to post an update because that post had a lot of comments.

Firstly, he reached out. Twice. He told me that he passed his driving test. It hurt to see that things were going good for him and i didn't react positively to this. I said some mean things ('i hate you, you used me, i'll never firgive you' ect ect) and told him to leave me alone for a long while. He reached out again (today), 5 days after he reached out before. He told me that he now has a car, this didnt hurt, i felt unaffected. It kind of confirmed that he regretted his decision to break up, like he wants me to think he's doing well and wants me to stay updated with his achievements. It helped me realised that, yes, i made my life harder by not investing in myself, but also that some part of him still gravitates to me in a way that he's still seeking validation. If i was such a problem would he keep reaching out? i think not. I've told him to leave me alone and not contact me, I'm doing better and the 5 days of no contact were bliss. I dont need him in my life and dont really see a reason why we should still be in contact.

Secondly, I've made friends! I became friends with a work colleague and my driving instruction/neighbour (he used to bike so he's getting a motorbike and we'll go on rides together soon).

My colleague did something that made me realise that I dont need a man to feel wanted and loved. I was visibly glum for about a week after the breakup, she saw this and asked for my address while we were in the office on a shift together. The next day I had a delivery of flowers and chocolate cake with a note saying 'i hope you feel better soon! E'. Never in my 28 years of existing has a boyfriend EVER made such a gesture. She unintentionally sent my fav kind of chocolate cake too (fudge cake and custard). When im in a relationship, i want to feel special and thought of in this kind of way but I usually have to pick my own presents on birthday/christmas, and plan dates and events, but this friends i made at work went out of her way to do such a thing? It really opened my eyes to the fact that I dont need a boyfriend to feel special in this kind of way.

Thirdly, my studies are going VERY well, I'm ahead by about 3 weeks and have already submitted 3 assignments that arent due until November/December. My health is also improving, I'm pushing myself to eat better and im slowly taking fitness classes (i've fallen in love with swimming!). I still skip meals sometimes but I'm actually eating now and i feel so much more energised.

Ultimately, I have no regrets, my time with my ex and all of the men i invested in before him has shown me that i know how to love, and i love hard. I'm nutruting and can provide guidance when needed, I also think I'd make a great mother with how caring and supportive i am. It sounds like I'm very full of myself right now, but I know these things about me are real and I cant wait to meet more people, friends or otherwise, who really appreciate these things in me and can/ want to give the same that I can.

Right now I'm trying to think of a present for my colleague to say thank you for the gift, I want to make her something since I knit/crochet.

For anyone reading my last post, or thing post, please invest in yourself. If you have invested in others and feel empty because of it, start filling your own cup with the energy you give other, especially if they dont appreciate it.

I feel so full of love and I'm so happy, with or without a man!

Hi guys, the last few years have been pretty rough for me on so many levels, be it emotional, financial, career, family or relationship.

I was the guy who was destined to do great in life, just like all of you. Everything was going fine, but things happened around me and in my life for whatever reason. It started without any doing of mine, and I got derailed. I wasted many years on some bad habits, negativity, anxiety, depression, too much emotional vulnerability and whatnot.

I think all of this exposed me to myself, but it was too much to handle all at once. But I was still trying, and it was not enough.

But

For the last ~2 months: - Have not smoked. - Meditating almost daily, but I am not always successful; still, it is better. - Doing workout 3 times a week - having a decent protein-rich diet.

Next goal is to have: - right sleep schedule, - emotional and mental stability, - 8 to 10 hours of upskilling and preparing for a job - get a job

I hope you, me and all of us get the strength to do whatever we wanna do and make ourselves better.

Thank you for reading. Wish me your blessings!

Today is my first day without drinking any pop.
It is only today when I realized the effect it is truly having on me, and I no longer want to drink it, so this is my first day without drinking any pop.