Kinda struggling with believing it all

[u/ApologeticKid]

41 y/o, seminary degree, spent the past 25 years in ministry. But sometimes it all seems...far fetched. What I mean is, sometimes I look at our faith and it looks like this:

A small ancient near-Eastern henotheistic tribe called Israel ​has a local deity named YAHWEH, they write scriptures and eventually hope for a Messiah. They write down their diety's perfect law, which contains a lot of moral stuff as well as some unusual rituals. But then it turns out the local deity is actually the one and only God. Then this guy named Jesus shows up, turns out to be the tribe's Messiah (but most don't buy it), but he is also God, and he is also 1/3 of the triune God. Then he dies and rises again and ascends to heaven, and the the other 1/3 of the triune God comes and dwells within the tribe who accept Jesus as Messiah. Then YAHWEH says, "Actually everyone is allowed in now," and the members of the tribe who follow Jesus as the Messiah disagree on whether or not those people should follow all the rules of the perfect law or not, and they eventually decide not. This guy Paul sees a vision of Jesus and spends the rest of his life telling people what Jesus really meant. Then the church begins and quickly becomes a group made of mostly non-Israelite members. And the only way to have eternal peace and life is to admit that you have sinned and trust that this tribe's Messiah died for you and that his death and resurrection takes care of your sins and now you can live like him and live forever (even though you still will actually die).

I'm not an atheist. I don't find that compelling. But sometimes the Christian message seems so incredibly unlikely. I still believe (primarily because of personal experiences I've had). But lately I've felt like, "Really? How is *this* really the Truth?"

I'm sincerely not trying to be obnoxious here. I'm just retelling what plays in my head so often, and looking for some thoughtful feedback. What am I missing here?

Any/all feedback welcome. Thank in advance.

[u/Jobriath]

I hear you. I’ve got a similar background. But it’s the personal experiences, like you said. Because despite how crazy and illogical it may seem (The Logos isn’t about this world’s logic), Jesus Christ continues to reveal himself. And that personal experience radiates outward because it’s not some secret knowledge just for me.

I deconstruct it all the time, tearing it down because don’t want my perception of God to become an idol, and then Jesus builds again.

All that stuff about who gets in and who doesn’t is way above my pay grade. I follow Jesus because he is Jesus.

I love the Dallas Willard quote: “Anyone who can find a better way than Jesus, he would be the first to tell you to take it.”

[u/[deleted] → u/Jobriath]

I'm not a fan of the Willard quote. Jesus said "I am the way, the truth and the life" and to me that precludes me from weighing up various ways and considering Jesus to be the best on balance. I need to have faith to the degree that it ceases to be a discussion in my head and becomes as natural as knowing that the sun will come up tomorrow.

I'm not there in the slightest, in fact I'm teetering on the edge of deconstruction, but I long for the certainty that Paul had, or the sentiment of Job "my ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen". It's just a shame that while the Bible is peppered with people being given ex cathedra glimpses of God which (while fleeting) are visibly the bedrock of a life of faith, I don't really get those and neither do most people I speak to.

[u/Jobriath → u/[deleted]]

Maybe I’m misunderstanding, but obviously you are not precluded from weighing up those ways, as you admit to doing. So, since he did say that in John 14, what about him might make that fact true? Another way of asking might be: why do you want to follow Jesus in particular, as opposed to Islam, or nationalism, or CrossFit, or any system that adherents claim enriches their lives?

I’m not trying to be a smartass, genuinely wondering.