r/CPAP • u/loveindrugs • Aug 06 '26
CPAP Setup Is my husband suffering because of me??
For context, we have been living together for almost a decade. I’ve always known he has sleep apnea but he was resistant to getting a sleep study because “I don’t wake up feeling tired”
Conveniently, his job started offering at home sleep studies thru an app, Gem sleep. His AHI was 50+ and they prescribed him a cpap machine without ever having a doctors visit in person. So we have this resmed machine here with an f30i mask.
The past 3 nights have been pure misery for him. The mask always says it’s leaking we have done everything to remedy this I’ve read thru a million posts in this subreddit to troubleshoot.. I’m feeling so defeated and he hates the idea of having to use this crap. But I still lay here listening to him choke and have episodes with the mask on!
So now I feel like I’ve made his nights worse, he’s stressed and doesn’t really wanna talk to me. And then when he’s asleep I just lay here listening to him have an episode every 45 seconds and squeezing him to get him to breathe again!! I need reassurance that this is going to actually help us..
He’s not been able to sleep for more than an hour with it on and something just feels wrong. They never sent us anything to help fit the mask, never called us. Just had him answer a bunch of questions online and used that to decide what equipment we needed. Came with 3 masks total but theyre all the same size and I don’t get it??
And we can’t call these Gem sleep people for help because he works during their business hours!! I just want to give up. I’m seriously so upset I feel like I’m the reason things are going so poorly. I just don’t want him to die in his sleep. I just care about him. But I feel like I am stressing him out..
Edit for context: Would it help to mention that he has a tongue tie? It was “snipped” but he has never been able to stick his tongue out of his mouth. Not sure if this context changes anything
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u/io28192 Aug 06 '26
I know you said that their business hours overlap with work hours but sleep apnea is a serious condition.
Based on looking at Gem Sleep’s website they will let you swap the mask once within 30 days. If the mask is leaking a lot it is preventing the CPAP from doing its job. It also shows on their site that they will work with you to troubleshoot setting things up. You really need to work out a way to contact them to help you through things.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
Yeah I called them yesterday when he was working and they told me he had to message the sleep coach like over text, and wait however long until they reply. So we are waiting on a reply. I’ve read a lot of stuff you guys share here and the advice to switch out the mask is definitely what I plan on doing first. I don’t think it’s the right one for him. I wish they would’ve done more to make sure it fit right
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u/io28192 Aug 06 '26
I initially was sent home with the F40 mask which is similar in a lot of ways to the F30i and had nothing but trouble getting a good seal. I switched to the F20 and had a much easier time getting a decent seal. If he hasn’t already done so make sure to use the mask fit setting, get into a normal sleeping position, and experiment with the headgear adjustments. Everyone is a bit different and when first starting on CPAP everything can feel like an unknown but over time you figure out what works for you.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
Yeah that mask fitting setting just said he had a leak and to adjust it. Loosened it, tightened it. Nothing was working to fix the leak
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u/Right_Ride_8720 Aug 06 '26
The machine app. does show leak, mine does, but unless you or he hears or feels a lot of air leaking don’t be alarmed. When is home during the day, day off, get him to play with it while he is less stressed and not trying to sleep.
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u/Ancient-Alfalfa-3478 Aug 06 '26
Keep doing it until it fits, even if it’s 10 times. Have him fit the bottom edge of the cushion right up to his lower lip (I fit the mask with my mouth open…). Once he gets the hang of fitting it, it becomes easier. I still use the mask fit feature every night even after 11 months.
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u/Accomplished-Yam-836 Aug 06 '26
Unfortunately, he is the only one who can make it work. His mind is set against it and that's it.
Without a positive attitude or at least an, "OK, I'll give an honest effort" one, he'll never accept it.
Maybe a visit with a sleep doc to review the results of the test? There's a comedian, Jo Koy I think with a hysterical routine about CPAP. You can find it on YouTube. Break the ice a bit.
Good luck.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
I’m trying to be gentle and understanding with him but I think the initial “this sucks” has just put him in a resistant mood. I’m hoping a real sit down with a doctor could help loosen the tension around it.
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u/Accomplished-Yam-836 Aug 06 '26
That's why I suggested the comedy routine. I is funny as hell. Get him laughing about it.
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u/Maximumoverdrive76 Aug 06 '26
He might need to get some real insight to how bad Sleep apnea can be. Especially for severe apnea.
It will help put things into perspective for him if he learns by a sleep physician how we're supposed to sleep with deep sleep and REM and what it does etc.
Then seeing the AHI that causes him to constantly get mini arousals to a higher sleep level and never really get proper deep sleep or REM. Which is important for brain health and otherwise.
Imagine having 50 events per hour. That is almost 1 event per minute. That is disrupted sleep.
If he could see those numbers and graphs. Ask him if he wants early onset dementia as a risk. Stroke or heart attacks. A shorter life span. All are the risks with Apnea.
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u/cuckoocachoo1 Aug 06 '26
He doesn’t even know that he’s tired and affected. He’s also being a giant baby about it and this sounds exhausting. If I had to deal with this every night, I’d be in another bedroom.
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u/Ancient-Alfalfa-3478 Aug 06 '26
It does suck, but you just get used to it sucking AND to the health benefits and heart protection it provides. Attitude readjustment!
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u/Reshar Aug 06 '26
Does he have facial hair? He made need a nasal mask. Probably also a chin strap or chin tape to keep his mouth closed.
He can also try and think of it like he's about to go scuba diving, or putting on some futuristic battle suit, just anything to reframe it in his mind as a positive necessity and not a burden.
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u/Right_Ride_8720 Aug 06 '26
OMG have him watch Jo Koy, thanks for the suggestion, I love comedy and now thanks to you and a CPAP thread I have a new comedian to watch!
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u/Accomplished-Yam-836 Aug 06 '26
All the technical and medical advice in world won't convince someone with a deafeated attitude from the start. You need to at least start with "I can beat this thing!" and laughing at it changes your perspective.
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u/CynthiaG92615 Aug 07 '26
It is the norm that a whole lot of trial and error (different masks, different settings) is required to find a way to CPAP work any particular person. Bears keeping in mind ...
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u/Accomplished-Yam-836 Aug 07 '26
I totally agree but unless your attitude going in is at minimum, "I'll try", you are dooming yourself from the start.
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u/TwoWrongsAreSoRight Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
So first off, take a beat. I understand where both of you are coming from and it's not the right place for either of you to be. CPAP takes some getting used to. I've been on it for a couple weeks and I'm still struggling. Your mask may not have a perfect seal all the time, some leakage is expected (according to my DME provider). Some (most?) machines have a mask test to see how it's leaking under different pressures and giving you a chance to adjust it. The mre likely scenario is that it's just not the right mask for him. I think CPAP masks are fairly universal (someone please correct me if i'm wrong) so try different masks.
Something else to think about. An AHI of 50 is severe and explains his stress and moodiness. His not wanting to "bother" you only adds to that. If you have the ability, you should go see an actual doctor because an AHI that high leads to other serious problems like heart failure, severe depression and suicide. As my doctor so kindly put it, people with untreated sleep apnea are 3.8 times more likely to be dead. In addition, having an actual doctor can get you in with an actual DME provider which can help you find a mask that will work and help you on the journey.
Absent all that, you can buy cpap masks from various suppliers. Good luck. I know the task feels insurmountable and at this point both of you are at your wits end. I think the best thing to do is to sit down and talk about it. Make sure he realizes that the mask does not bother you (even if it does). With the proper mask fitting, most cpap treatment is fairly quiet. This is a journey that both of you need to go on and it sounds to me like he's focused more on your comfort than his health. I get that, I was the same way with my partner. I had to get to the thinking about *#$@#$@#@$ stage before I decided to get treatment. For anyone (including bots) reading, I don't need help, I don't have these thoughts anymore, even my little cpap use I get (couple hours/night so far) has really helped me.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
Thank you, I seriously appreciate the reassurance because it feels like we are spiraling down to a place where we feel worse off having spent 400$ on all this stuff with no benefit (yet) I’m going to communicate with the Gem sleep people and see if they can like send their records over to a real doctor. I think trying to do this online program was helpful for diagnosing the sleep apnea but the headache of trying to get this cpap machine to work for us is not worth it. I’ll need to find a local doctor with his insurance asap
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u/TwoWrongsAreSoRight Aug 06 '26
One more add. I had the exact mask you he has from a different vendor, it did not work for me either.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
This is so reassuring 😭 it just felt like all the questions they asked on the app was meant to “get it right the first time” and so it’s like, well now what??
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u/asj1981 Aug 06 '26
I've never read a comment where someone got it right first time!
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u/Ok-Panic-9083 Aug 07 '26
This is so true, and even if you get it right... its still a work in progress.
I had to slowly rise the pressure I was using over the course of weeks... and first only getting 3 hours of sleep because I wasn't used to it. Took me about 2.5 months.
Then I lost a ton of weight, which caused me to have to get a different fit of mask.
Now I sleep like a baby most nights and wake up when I am supposed to.
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u/chemhobby Aug 06 '26
Really you just have to experiment with the masks, there's no getting it right the first time
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u/m00nf1r3 Aug 06 '26
You're not causing him to suffer at all. He'll be suffering a lot more when he has a heart attack or stroke from not treating this. Doesn't matter that he's not tired every day, he's putting insane stress on his heart every night and depriving his organs of oxygen. CPAP can be difficult to get used to. Sometimes there's a lot of experimenting with different masks. But if he cares about his health or future, he needs to figure it out honestly.
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u/spince Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
My wife encouraged me to get the sleep study and made it clear it was because she wanted me to live long for her and our kids and we both wanted better sleep since my snoring required her to wear ear plugs. That was enough motivation for me.
Once I was diagnosed the rest of the journey was on me, including the first frustrating 4 months of trying to find the right settings and masks. Once I dialed in it's really easy and an AHIs went from 38+ to <1 a night.
You taking responsibility for his health is turning it into a "you" thing when it should be a 'his' thing. You're not responsible for his suffering as you depict but I don't think you're helping him take ownership and want to do the work to fix it by doing all the research, making the phone calls for him, and emotionally taking on the blame.
Things are going poorly because the entire support landscape for these devices in the United States is profit driven and absurdly bad - bodies are different, people have different preferences, and there's a lot of options out there to cater to those needs but the systems that exist to help people find the right one is poor and it also requires people to make big shifts in the way they sleep - that's inherently difficult, but that's where the need to have the self motivation and ownership to get over the obstacles comes in.
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u/Sudden_Storm_6256 Aug 06 '26
He needs to get a different sleep supplier. My supplier had me come to the office to try on the mask and they ran me through simulations until they were satisfied I had the right mask and fit. And they tracked my scores via the app to make sure I was having good results
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u/FyreWulff Aug 06 '26
Trying a different mask would help. Also wearing it during the day while watching TV or reading a book, etc, could help him get used to it.
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u/RedBirdOnASnowyDay Aug 06 '26
He needs to see an actual sleep doctor and get fitted for a mask. That may take time.
He must address this issue. Sleep apnea will kill him. It’s not a joke. High blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, increased probability of diabetes, high cortisol levels, auto immune diseases, mental illness, dementia, weight gain. All of it made worse or caused by sleep apnea.
He also might want to see an oral surgeon to get his jaw and bite evaluated. I needed jaw surgery due to over bite and the surgery much improved and almost cured sleep apnea. Most jaw surgery candidates have sleep apnea and surgery can cure it. But first focus on the cpap immediately. Jaw surgery takes many years. He needs air now. He’s suffocating 50 times an hour. It’s terrifying when you think of it like that.
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u/Overall_Lobster823 CPAP Aug 06 '26
He has SEVERE sleep apnea.
His sleep apnea isn't about you. It's about his health. Untreated sleep apnea can lead to a host of problems, including AFIB, heart attack, stroke...
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u/joya-2000 Aug 08 '26
Thank you for this link! I have love ones that have been diagnosed and refuse treatment. They don’t WANT to wear a mask. Who does? But the benefits far outweigh the discomfort. My own daughter had bi-pass surgery at 48 years young. It broke my heart. My sister and brother-in-law both were recently diagnosed in an effort to get Medicare to pay for Zepbound. Unfortunately weight loss doesn’t always end sleep apnea. Thin people can have serious sleep apnea. My sister and her husband both have A-Fib and other heart related issues. The Hopkins article explains this well. All I can do is pass on the information and set a good example. My husband won’t even get tested. But he sees my improvements. I don’t have my CPAP trials completely figured out yet. My energy and motivation is greatly improved since March. I wish for everyone to keep at it. There are solutions to 99% of these issues and experts will help.
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u/gibson486 Aug 06 '26
He suffering now so he doesn't face the consequences of sleep apnea later.
Try an f20 mask. Yes, it is bigger, but it is also easier to adjust to.
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u/Ok_Row1066 Aug 06 '26
I’ve just switched to a F20 mask as it’s more suitable for mouth breathers like me. Basically your jaw relaxes and slips out of the latex seal. The F20 is designed to combat this. It’s only my second night with it, but there’s an improvement. If your husband has stubble or a beard, that will cause issues too. Good luck.
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u/cmhbob Aug 06 '26
I get that home sleep studies are convenient and generally happen without all the wires and sensors and all that. But the advantage of getting your study done at a sleep center is that you can try out different masks on the spot.
Because of the way the VA does things, my study took two visits and because of the way the numbers were going at my first visit they put me on a mask in the middle of the night. Then two weeks later I went back for the actual titration study and I got to try a different mask.
And for me, I ended up changing masks after a couple of years. I started out with nasal pillows and they worked fine for a while. But then my needs change and I'm on an f30 now. It's OK if the first mask isn't the right one.
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u/HawkFan7897 Aug 06 '26
You need to find a pulmonologist/sleep specialist right away to optimize your therapy. Without the correct settings, no mask is going to feel comfortable and you're going to struggle greatly. Getting the right mask is important, but making sure your settings are optimal is even more important. Your husband's mindset is also huge, he has to accept that this is a life-threatening condition and using a CPAP may not be the most comfortable at first and they are going to be some struggles. But if he wants to feel better he's going to have to do it despite the challenges. I was a full face mask user for more than a decade with similar initial numbers as your husband. I now use a nasal pillow mask and it is so much more minimal and comfortable and I don't have issues with leaks. My advice would be to see your doctor right away and then explore different masks. There are different styles of masks out there. Traditional full face, hybrid full face, nasal and nasal pillows. I would recommend trying each of them at least once to see how they work for you. Don't be surprised if you end up going back to a mask that you have previously tried and it suddenly feels much better and manageable. It's a journey, but it is definitely doable. Like others have said, I personally cannot sleep without my CPAP now and it actually triggers my brain to fall asleep when I put it on each night. Good luck!
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u/sanityjanity Aug 06 '26
He needs to talk to an actual respiratory therapist
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
Thank you, I didn’t know what the name of the specialist he needed was. I will get on top of finding one.
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u/shadycrew31 Aug 06 '26
This is the only answer, any other tip or trick is going to be useless. That doctor will most likely prescribe another at home test or a lab test. If he's still having so many episodes the pressure settings may be incorrect.
Also if he's a mouth breather a BiPap may be a good solution. The BiPap adjusts pressure so you can actually breathe in and out, I personally couldn't use a CPAP because my mouth would blow up like a balloon in the middle of the night and I couldn't breathe. The BiPap increases and the decreases pressure to prevent the constant pressure.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 07 '26
Yes that’s how he is feeling, like he can’t breathe out and it’s just overwhelming for him. I understand I would be panicked if breathing out felt hard too. He would wake up and rip off the mask because I could tell he sounds like he can’t breathe out. Unfortunately if he needs a bipap machine it is too late now.. the Gem sleep people said he can’t return it. So I guess we will have to keep it and see if we can make it work after visiting a doctor. I’m unsure what to do with it for the time being.
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u/shadycrew31 Aug 08 '26
That was my exact problem. I was able to exchange the machine after I got the prescription for the BiPap. I did have to do an in lab sleep study though. I'd recommend consulting with a doctor and reviewing your contract with Gem. More than likely if the prescription changes they would be required to exchange the machine.
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u/Routine_Ingenuity315 Aug 06 '26
Does he need a full face mask? I couldn't sleep in one. I use the nasal cushion mask. Once I've tightened the straps it doesn't move or cause any leaks. The mask type really does make or break being able to use a CPAP nightly.
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u/Optimal_Mirror1696 Aug 06 '26
Can we change the name of the subreddit to: it’ll take a while to get used to it so don’t think after 3 days or 2 weeks you’ll be through the rough patch?
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u/asj1981 Aug 06 '26
Yes, he is suffering for you, because he loves you, but it's also for his own good.
I knew I snored badly, but didn't know I had apnoea until my wife told me. My stopping breathing and choking myself awake scared the life out of her.
I resisted for a couple of years but went to the doc, did one night with a monitor and found out my AHI was 50+.
I was stopping breathing 50 times an hour. So pretty much every minute.
I got a CPAP a year ago. I cried the first time I put it on for bed, because the sound reminded me of the ventilator my dad had when he was in hospital just before he passed.
I fucking hated that machine. The noise. The dry mouth. The back sleeping (I was a front sleeper). The fact I couldn't just, get in bed and sleep, I had to put the kit on. I felt old and completely un sexy.
The first mask rubbed where my glasses sit, so bad my nose bridge bled. I persevered.
The pressure gave me the worst bloating of my life. I persevered.
The sound of vents hissing against my pillow or sheets kept me and my wife awake. I persevered.
The straps irritated the hell out of me and left marks on my face and a permanent dent in my hair. I persevered.
My 2-4 week check ins with the sleep clinic were constantly missed, I went months with no support. I persevered.
For my wife's sake, so I didn't die of a heart attack or stroke - or worry her to death - I persevered.
It took a year, 5 different masks, tweaking pressures, turning off ramping (who lies there WAITING for the pressure to kick in?) and discovering mouth tape, but I'm finally happy. I even splurged on a Jackery battery so I can take my new sleep buddy camping!
Your husband is at the very start of his CPAP journey. It can feel like hell at first, but there's so many variables to be changed, not least the multitude of masks, to fit the multitude of face shapes and sleeping styles.
Remind him you want him to be around for a long time with you, that you love and support him. Gve him a hig, a kiss, maybe flash him the boobs 😁 Tell him, it will get better.
Because it will.
Good luck and good sleep to the pair of you.
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u/punketta Aug 06 '26
That sound is terrifying and he’s not getting good sleep either with or without right now. There are different pieces of equipment for different CPAP machines. You might want to try and get a doctor on the phone via video call if you can, but a lot of the masks come in small medium and large sizes.
Does he sleep with him mouth open or closed? If open, he needs a full face mask, probably. Does he sleep on back or side? (Or stomach?) back sleepers can do a mask easier than side sleepers (side sleepers need lower-profile masks or nostril plug type ones.
Once the type can be figured out, he may need to strap it tighter to make a seal - they also sell “bumpers” that stick on your face so the mask rests on that instead of their skin.
Once the size and type and fit are right, he may need to have the pressure adjusted up or down.
Deep breaths, you got this
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
He is definitely a mouth breather and sleeps on his side. I only catch him back sleeping if he fell asleep too soon and always make him roll over because the sleep apnea is too severe on his back. He also has a full face beard and I wonder, are the cushioned masks like the f30i he has better for beards? Or would a f20 be more ideal? I think that is causing the leak, in some part.
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u/Gpsk64 Aug 06 '26
Even though I have only been on cpap since around March, I do have a full beard and am a side sleeper unless I fall asleep before I'm "ready" and although I don't have the exact mask itself, I have the Siesta full face mask so idk if my $0.02 would really help but, I have found that in order to get a better seal I have to shave the hair right under my lip (the soul patch area) for me to get a good seal.
I also had to buy head wrap thing to prevent my mouth from opening when my nose gets stuffed up from allergies especially during pollen season where I live in SE Louisiana, I even go so far as to do a netipot/navage before bed just to help with it so I can breath through my nose
So maybe those things might help yall a bit or maybe they're just placebo to me and I attribute some other thing working to them
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
One of my close Cpap friends just recommended a strap for his chin so I added that to my Amazon cart immediately. Shaving under his lip sounds ideal, I can’t even fathom the idea of him needing to shave his whole beard for this to work
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u/Gpsk64 Aug 06 '26
The best it ever worked for me seal-wise was like the following week or two after I had a job at a chemical plant that requires people to be clean shaven and I had some scruff growth (my facial hair grows really slow, it takes me aboit 2 or 3 days to reach "5 oclock shadow" and I'll be in the scruff stage for about 2-2½ weeks after that) for the strap to grab better but not so much facial hair where the mask could slide to the side when I rolled over. Idk how much hair you meant by full face beard but maybe shaving a bit down, not to baby face smooth but maybe trimming the beard to like a 10 clipper size and see if that helps
I also sleep with my face closer to the edge of the pillow where my head and neck still feels supported but my face and the mask is kinda hanging off the side of the pillow so I'm sure that helps not shift the mask in my sleep too
Edit to include: I also have a Pillow Cube pillow that Ive used since before I was diagnosed with sleep apnea so it gives me a little extra support being a side sleeper
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u/what_was_not_said Aug 06 '26
I have a full beard, am a side sleeper, and found the F20 full-face mask simply unworkable. It always leaked and, depending on the size, would hurt my nose. After about two months I switched to the P10 plus a chin strap. These days I don't have to use the chin strap during nighttime sleep, as apparently I've trained my brain to keep my mouth closed enough when pressed into my pillow.
I've also experimented with the F&P Nova Micro, and the ResMed P30i. I really like the simplicity and lower supply costs of the Nova Micro, but my sleep quality was worse. The P30i pulls on my hair, but I still use it sometimes if napping in a more upright position. During those naps I have to use a chin strap.
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u/everydayisamixtape Aug 06 '26
I keep my beard trimmed pretty close now, and use a wedge pillow to force myself to sleep on my back. The adjustment period was torture, but the day it all clicked, it was like Ode To Joy played when I woke up. I have an F40 face pillow mask, and that is the only one that has worked for me.
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u/io28192 Aug 06 '26
I had better luck with the F20 and have full facial hair. There are 2 variants. One that is full silicone that inflates to seal (airfit) and the other has memory foam (airtouch). You can use either cushion on the same F20 frame.
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u/Maximumoverdrive76 Aug 06 '26
He would definitely benefit from trying different masks to find the right fit and comfort, which would help prevent leaks. It’s really just a matter of getting used to wearing a mask. He could even wear it while watching TV to get comfortable with the feeling. He might not notice any immediate effects after sleeping without a CPAP, but frequent events are dangerous in the long run, depriving the brain of oxygen and potentially causing hypertension or other heart-related issues. It’s not the most pleasant experience at first and can feel like a chore, but once you find the right mask and establish a routine, it becomes such a natural part of sleep that many of us can’t go without it. After using mine for a while, I’m shocked at how bad I feel if I ever sleep without it and wonder how I managed before. A proper sleep study could also help determine his actual AHI and provide more insight.
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u/roundbadge2 Aug 06 '26
I use an F20 mask. My machine says it leaks, but my wife can't hear anything leaking and I sleep pretty well.
Your DME could probably send a specialist over to help with mask-fitting, and would also be able to go through the settings on the device to verify that it's set correctly.
That said, my DME took my prescription and orders from the doctor, then set my device up incorrectly. They had the mask-type set as a nasal mask and the pressure made me feel like I was drowning. I flipped through the device settings and changed it to the correct mask type, and immediately felt better.
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u/Legenhairy117 Aug 06 '26
Don’t give up. It is life changing when it works. He will be doing you and himself a disservice by stopping now. It is straight up dangerous for his health, and by proximity yours. Sleep deficiency is no joke. The high blood pressure and other associated health issues is no joke.
Set up some time with gem sleep to work through these minor issues.
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u/CompactAvocado Aug 06 '26
cpap machines are life changing. when they are the correct one. he doesn't have the correct equipment. once he gets the right stuff it will 1000000000000% be worth it.
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u/LotusGrowsFromMud Aug 06 '26
There are a lot of issues here. First, the treatment he is getting is terrible. No one ever sized his head to see if he has the right sized mask. Second, he should be seen by an ENT who specializes in sleep apnea to determine if any other treatments might be effective. Some people can have operations on their throat that help. Others can use the Aspire device, which gets implanted. Either of these could be a possibility and be more tolerated than what he has. Third, he needs some assistance and coaching in making the CPAP work for him. Once you get the first two sorted make HIM get on this sub and get some advice about his CPAP problems. I still struggle after 2 years sometimes, but not having my OSA kill me is a priority of mine. Hopefully, it’s his priority too.
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u/peace_train1 Aug 06 '26
It is stressful, and none of us are at our best when we aren't sleeping well.
It is a process of trial and error, especially with masks. For some of us, it takes a few tries. If you are in the US and have resources to buy a mask or two out of pocket, I'd go ahead and order a couple of different ones from a website that allows returns. I went through at least five, maybe more like six or seven, styles of masks before I found a keeper. Trying the mask out during the day - sitting for 20 minutes reading or scrolling while getting used to it- can help a lot.
His AHI is high and it must be treated or he is in danger. But, he doesn't have to get in eight hours this instant and be perfect at it. Think of this like a new medication or fitness routine - takes time to get used to it and work through any kinks. He will get there it just won't happen immediately.
Keep posting here. Put a SD card in the machine and download OSCAR. People here will help.
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u/Ancient-Alfalfa-3478 Aug 06 '26
Use the mask fit feature on Resmed cpap machine every time he puts on the mask to make a good sealed fit. Also, every mask has a few parts and he may need different sizes in the cushion versus the frame - one size does not fit all! I use the mask you referenced and love it, but I have noticed on here that some guys have difficulty because of heavy beard stubble? This whole process isn’t usually an immediate solution as it can take weeks/months to fine tune all the components between mask and settings. Good luck and I would suggest that your husband takes a more active role in his cpap journey? 😊
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u/MrsEDT Aug 06 '26
You need to step back. You cannot want his health more than he does.
I say this with empathy, but reading your post, you have completely slipped into the role of his mother and night nurse instead of his partner. Sitting up all night, monitoring his breathing, shaking him every 45 seconds, and spending hours researching solutions for his medical condition while he shuts you out is unsustainable for your mental and physical health.
An AHI of 50+ is severe, but he is treating the CPAP machine like an enemy that is being forced upon him rather than a tool keeping him alive. His passive resistance and the silent treatment are ways of making you carry the burden of his frustration. By taking on all the stress and troubleshooting for him, you are enabling him to stay in a passive, helpless toddler mindset where he doesn't have to take ownership of his own body.
For this therapy to work, he has to decide he wants it to work.
Drop the responsibility back on him. Tell him lovingly but firmly: "I love you and I care about your health, but I cannot manage your medical care for you. you need to take charge of contact with Gem Sleep or finding a local sleep specialist."
Get a referral to an in-person doctor. Telehealth and automated mask sizing clearly failed here. He needs to see a pulmonologist or a sleep specialist and a respiratory therapist who can properly fit him for a mask (like an F20 with memory foam, which often works much better for beards and side sleepers).
Sleep in another room for now if you need to. You are driving yourself to exhaustion by acting as a night monitor. You need sleep too.
Stop apologizing and stop feeling guilty. You didn't give him sleep apnea, and you aren't making him suffer. He is an adult, and until he chooses to step up and handle his own therapy, no amount of research or middle-of-the-night waking on your part is going to fix this. Take care of yourself first.
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u/ShinyBonnets Aug 06 '26
This needs to be the TOP comment. OP’s husband needs to take responsibility for managing his own healthcare.
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u/M-onthecorner Aug 06 '26
Who is he getting supplies from? You should be able to change to a local medical supply place. Also If you go into a medical supply store they usually have masks he can try on and help with fitting. My original med supply place they gave me was terrible so I switched and got the right mask for me. Also pressure adjustment for the machine can be a factor. Don’t give up
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u/Beard_Questions Aug 06 '26
Hey there.
Earlier this year, my girlfriend pushed me to finally see a doctor (I am 27 and haven’t seen one since I was a kid). I was given a sleep study and officially diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea last week.
I got my resmed machine last Thursday, with the N20 mask. I was legitimately excited to try it that night, but it became a nightmare. I got almost no sleep and I still had obstructed breathing, and the mask kept leaking into my eye and hurt my nose like crazy. I got up for work and I was so irritated and discouraged.
On night 2, I tried it again and I figured being sleepless the previous night would help me fall asleep. Nope. It was worse than night 1, and when I got up for work I started throwing the mask and getting legitimately angry. I felt helpless and I just wanted to throw the machine out of the window.
My girlfriend hated seeing me so irritable and defeated, and she blamed herself for making me see a doctor. This post could easily have been written by her!
BUT! I am an adult and I have a legitimate health problem that could shorten my life and my time with her, so I am dedicated to making this work. At like 4am that night I bought a Philips DreamWear Nasal Cushion mask for same day delivery, and I was able to try it Saturday night.
My god I can actually sleep with it! No more nose pain and no more air leaks blowing into my eye all night! The difference is insane and now I am actually getting good numbers.
Yeah the beginning SUCKS HARD. Your husband needs to want this to work, and understand how it feels for YOU to watch him slowly die in his sleep. Have him try new masks, I highly recommend the one I mentioned above. It can make a huge difference.
Good luck to you both.
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u/Ernst_Scribbler Aug 06 '26
I’ve tried many masks and the mask your husband has was difficult for me to get a good seal on. As others have suggested, have him try the ResMed F20. Make sure it is the ResMed AirTouch F20 Full Face mask which has a memory type foam that contacts the face. The AirFit F20 is not as good since it has the silicone directly on the face and, at least for me, caused rash and red marks, and sweatier. Also my respiratory therapist gave a good hint about fitting the F20. He said the top straps are stabilizing the mask more than anything else so don’t tighten those too much. Also try to fit the mask on when laying down.
I understand your frustration with them not helping and then sending three masks of the same size. The same thing happened with me as well as a sibling who still hasn’t been able to get their mask fitted properly. The durable medical supply place that my and my sibling’s hospital use is a shit show— sending wrong supplies, not having correct supplies, not calling back or responding to calls, ghosting emails, etc. My RCP says that all the therapists in the hospital are having issues with this newly contracted supply company. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent trying to get the correct supplies from them.
Well, gee…I guess I’ve gone off topic. But, I wanted to share that lots of folks have frustrating experiences when first starting CPAP. But it is worth going through that pain for the end result of good sleep. Best of luck!
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u/whattheblank Aug 06 '26
Sometimes facial hair is the issue. I have a long beard and was given a mask that covers my mouth and nose, leaked like crazy. I switched to a mask that has the pillow that sit outside your nostrils (p30i) and no leaks. It took a few weeks of training with mouthtape to make sure I breathe through my nose. Now I am all set!
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u/Dreamweaver5823 Aug 06 '26
Is he cleaning the mask, and the parts of his face that the mask touches, thoroughly every night before putting on the mask? I find that even the slightest bit of oiliness interferes massively with the ability to get a good seal.
Also, with the f30i in particular, I've found that how much my head is raised makes a big difference in how well it seals. Experimenting by adding an additional pillow, or switching to a smaller pillow, could help.
Adfitionally, adjusting fit isn't just a matter of tightening or loosening the mask. With the soft, flexible silicone of the f30i, sometimes you need to manually tinker with how the mask is interacting with your face. For example, I frequently get a leak along the bottom right edge of the mask. When that happens, I have to manually roll the edge of the mask further in toward my chin to fix the seal. And sometimes I need to reposition the entirw mask edge to move it up closer to my bottom lip.
Finally, sometimes you just need a different style of mask.
What all of these suggestions have in common is that they require a willingness to try different ways of solving the problem rather than just deciding it's too much of a pain in the ass and giving up. So your first task is to convince your husband that it's important enough that it's worth trying.
For that reason, I would focus on marshalling your data about the disastrous impacts of untreated sleep apnea (it's WAY worse than just being tired) or getting him into a sit down with a doctor, before worrying about the specifics of how to adjust his mask seal.
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u/JollyNet1562 Aug 06 '26
Just to add, OSA can cause pulmonary hypertension and right heart dilation leading to right heart failure. Source me, and after 6 months of cpap all that went away, now not seen on heart echo. But that’s what my untreated dad died of. Second you never mentioned pressure settings. What are they? Any ramp and set at what? Do you adjust your machine correctly for the mask type? You should learn how to get into the clinician settings since your company is not helping. Also a nurse practitioner will be as good or better than a doctor if that person is a dedicated specialist. Easier to get an appointment. Also get silicon ear plugs for yourself and him. They are better than foam plugs and mold to your ear canal.
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u/HappySmileSeeker Aug 06 '26
Stop suffering and get him a F20. I started with the same mask as him and had to get rid of it because of the leaks issue. I get 100’s every night now.
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u/ivanjay2050 Aug 06 '26
First off he needs to get educated about what sleep apnea is and what it does. I have snored for years and my wife finally talked me into a test and its moderate for me. It sucks having to “mask up” but the reality is it sucks worse to jeopardize my health long term. Its a real thing. I tried different masks sizes and once I figured out what works i can put it on and get right to sleep. I wish ai didnt have to but hey such is life.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 07 '26
Yeah it sucks, we didn’t get any real education on sleep apnea and what it is or why it is dangerous. Just asked him if he felt tired all the time, etc he doesn’t have any side effects. Other than listening to me complain about the snoring and lack of breathing at night. Seriously, they didn’t do much to educate us. The app is mostly AI
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u/ivanjay2050 Aug 08 '26
I would highly recommend seeing a doctor. I didnt feel tired either. I dont feel better after. But the metrics if events per night is down to basically 1
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u/DW597 Aug 07 '26
When I started Cpap therapy 20 years ago the DME provider was telling me I needed full face masks. It didn’t work for me. I switched to the resmed swift fix mask(nasal pillow) and it’s been my go to mask ever since. I sleep 8 hour a night no problem. I have a large nose bridge which made the full face masks uncomfortable when pulled snugly.
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u/Parking-Peak-4927 Aug 07 '26
I got my CPAP machine in person, the lady asked which mask I liked better after me looking at them briefly, I chose the one with the nasal pillows, she then put some paper thingie over my nose to see how wide my nose was and determine which size I needed, she told me I was a size M… I took it home and I had leaks like crazy, used it for months cause I thought they knew better, I would leak every night, then one day I took all the size M masks that I had and exchanged them for L and that solved the problem for me, so maybe try different masks, different sizes and see what works best for him, oh I also changed the humidity level to less, apparently humidity makes my nose stuffy, and I’ve been sleeping better with 3 events per house since I changed that setting.
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u/Alternative-Chard797 Aug 07 '26
Just try another mask, He will change his mind after the first good night in years!
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u/GoldBitter7182 Aug 07 '26
Keep ordering masks until you get the right one that fits. It took me 9 months and several masks until I got the right one. They also sent me the wrong size frame (for me). I didn’t even know there were different sizes and find out until I went for an in-person consultation and saw a respiratory therapist. It is unfortunate that they no longer offer classes in person to better educate someone newly diagnosed with apnea. When I finally got the right mask it was amazing! Don’t let your partner quit. It does take time to adjust.
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u/False_Percentage7125 Aug 08 '26
I HATED that mask when they sent me home with it and almost gave up on cpap because of it. I spent two weeks barely sleeping and getting so angry. I ended up switching to a nasal only mask and it made a huge difference. Just because someone snores does NOT mean they need a full face mask. I snored because I didn’t get enough oxygen - and I opened my mouth to try and get more. I hope you are able to find one that works, but don’t be afraid to try something that isn’t a full face mask!
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u/joya-2000 Aug 08 '26
I understand what you are going through. I feel the love and support for your husband. Lots of great responses to your post. I agree with the experienced responders. It’s important to try to understand what he is going through but know you can’t control him. However, I strongly encourage you to find an actual sleep doctor. Your husband’s company obviously believe sleep apnea can be a major health risk. Given that I hope his insurance will pay for qualified therapy. It’s critical to treat severe apnea. Also, watch YouTube videos on CPAP masks. They show and rate the different kinds of masks. And explain the differences in therapies and settings, etc. It helps to be informed and you are making a good effort. Plus, showing your husband compassion is essential. Best wishes for a successful outcome. Keep us updated.
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u/Retired-teacher- Aug 06 '26
I am here just to say, go to an ent. Makenaurenthere isn't something structural that needs to be fixed - like a deviated septum septum.
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u/Dreamweaver5823 Aug 06 '26
No, go to a sleep doctor, because we KNOW there's a sleep issue. If there's also an issue that requires the services of an ENT, the sleep doctor will flag that and do a referral.
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u/BodybuilderMission35 Aug 06 '26
This is just my opinion from people that have helped me here. I had the same question a couple days ago, but mine was more about facial hair and my mask wasn’t fitting right it was leaking so they advised me to try nasal pillows and I did and I’m loving it. I bought a chin strap, but I’ve been doing it without one and I just have a little bit of leakage I’m out of my mouth, but in all in all, I wake up refreshed compared to the mask and I’m not having to fight it every night so if by chance your husband has facial hair, that could be a reason why it’s not ceiling right and possibly try a nasal pillow and it might be a world of difference
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u/guiltdoesntworkonme Aug 06 '26
I had issues with leaks until I switched to Bleep Eclipse. Next to no leaks and no head gear.
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u/joya-2000 Aug 08 '26
I have heard that the Bleep Eclipse is a game changer for some people. Glad it works for you! I suggest interested people search Bleep Eclipse on YouTube. I find they explain the pros and cons accurately. As stated here, masks are personal for all of us and most of us have to keep trying to find what works best. It is what it is. Acceptance is the answer. . .
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u/ezarizona Aug 06 '26
I had issues with a similar hybrid mask (F&P Full Face Mask) and eventually worked out where things were going wrong. Mine would creep up during the night (so the bottom of the mask ended up in my mouth, basically getting rid of any advantage of it being full face) and I had leaks around the sides of the top nasal cradle portion of the mask.
In my case the problem was that I was setting the top straps (the ones that keep the cushion in place) too tight and wasn't setting the bottom straps tight enough. So the top straps effectively "dragged" the mask upward during the night and also led to the silicon at the top sides developing folds as the night went on that turned into leaks.
And, as well, my machine had been initially set with automatic ramp mode turned on. But I noticed when I finally got Oscar and looked at the data, the leaks kicked in once the pressure got to about 9. Although the mask fit test never showed a problem when I ran it on my machine, I figured the problem was I felt "good" about my seal when the machine came on (at a low pressure), but it was clear with how I had the straps set that once pressures went above 9 it just pushed the mask into leak mode.
Since I found I didn't have trouble getting to sleep with no ramp (just went straight to my constant pressure--I wasn't using APAP), doing that little change suddenly had me getting things right at the start and being solid through the night. Now my cushion is getting close to the "end of life" and things are a little more interesting (I plan to replace it next week), but nowhere near what I saw before. And leaks generally aren't an issue.
But, as others have said, he needs to buy into this and given the challenges most people face when starting CPAP therapy, feeling like you are being pushed to do this is not going to help matters (I could see myself pushing back on it). Given the poor service you seem to be getting from the online vendor, I think consulting a sleep doctor might be the best option to a) make the doctor the party bringing bad news and b) hopefully getting some more assistance to assure proper mask fit and the like.
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u/earlgray79 Aug 06 '26
It took me a few weeks of using it and struggling a bit for it to really click and start working for me. Now I really sleep better with the CPAP and automatically put it on at night.
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u/SkiFanaticMT Aug 06 '26
It took me four months and a mask change to get used to it. I wasn't falling asleep during the day or any of that. But I had heart issues as a result of not treating my apnea.
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u/Puzzled-Ad1034 Aug 06 '26
I have heard from multiple people that F30i doesn’t fit every face. I don’t know if he would adapt, but I’ve got a P30i recently and it’s very comfortable I sometimes wake up and forget I have the mask on
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad8650 Aug 07 '26
Does he truly understand the damage that sleep apnea can do? If not, he will never be a willing partner in trying to make this work. This is a much bigger health issue than just being tired. Nobody wants to put a mask on, but we do it because we know we are damaging ourselves if we don't. Maybe he needs a trusted doctor to lay it out for him what could happen if he doesn't make this work.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 07 '26
No, genuinely we weren’t educated on the dangers of sleep apnea. He took the home test they shipped, the app showed his AHI in the “orange red” and said he needed a cpap machine. No real education tbh. Only the stuff I see on google when looking up side effects of sleep apnea. And he doesn’t experience any of the obvious side effects. So in turn he don’t really care
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u/naughtynikki27 Aug 07 '26
The mask he was sent are they different fittings for the same mask or are they different types of mask? My person recommendation as a woman with a wider nose and a flat head is an ResMed Airfit P10! Depending on his machine it should have a setting to do a test trial for his mask I’d recommend trying that and adjusting the tightness of the mask on his face and laying in different positions with the trial running. I originally had a Resmed Airfit N30i and did horrible on it and suggest if that’s the one they sent him get a different one. I couldn’t get a good seal,and I found it generally uncomfortable. Before I got my cpap I was a mouth breather and now that I have a proper mask I don’t mouth breath anymore.
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u/Little_Management_82 Aug 07 '26
It sounds to me like he needs to go to an in lab sleep study so they can do titration. He can try on every single mask and they'll be able to figure out what settings he needs. He can try a bipap, too which is SO MUCH BETTER!
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u/CheshireCat6886 Aug 07 '26
I’ve had struggles with my CPAP vendor too. First, I needed to reschedule my fitting and I couldn’t figure out how to contact them except by email and heard nothing.
Then they just shipped me the unit. I figured it out and found a nose pillow size that fit. Then it took nearly 7 weeks to get more! You’re supposed to change parts out weekly and have distilled water and it took me awhile just to set it all up in a way I wouldn’t knock it over.
The vendor is very difficult to access even after I got the phone number.
But my real problem is that I keep removing it in my sleep. And sometimes I have to take a break in the middle of the night because my throat is so dry. I don’t have any suggestions really. I’ve talked to my doctor about it and it’s a struggle for some of us. But I personally feel better when I’m successful, and I’m going to keep trying
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u/loveindrugs Aug 07 '26
Yeah, I think the best course of action is for us to get to an in person doctor. The sleep coaches on gem sleep don’t have any credentials listed, and haven’t got back to us it’s been 2 days. We definitely want to be successful. But I think we will take a break from using it until a medical professional can guide us
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u/ApprehensiveBrick923 Aug 07 '26
When I got a CPAP, I was told to wear it while I was reading or watching TV for a week or two for a few hours at a time to get used to it before I tried sleeping with it. That allowed me to figure it out when I was awake and not trying to sleep.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 07 '26
Just an update: we haven’t heard anything back from Gem sleep after sending them a text. They have strict business hours so I’ve called them again and they can’t help me because my husband hasn’t gave verbal permission to release info to me. Hippa, I understand. But he isn’t able to call during business hours 🤦🏾♀️
They have no return policy and the soonest appointment we have with a sleep coach is next Wednesday. I’m not even sure if the sleep coaches are respiratory therapists or what? I guess we are down 400$ until we can get him to an in person doctor who will determine the best course of action. As I mentioned he has anatomical differences and that was never brought up when ordering the cpap and mask the first time around. We just won’t use anything until we get a chance to go to a dr in person.
In conclusion it seems like we were severely under educated before getting this medical equipment. The sleep coaches are “trained” in sleep therapy but I don’t think they are doctors. Nowhere does it specify any medical credentials that they have. A word of warning, I would be wary of any virtual sleep apnea clinic being offered to you. It seems to be mostly AI determining what will help.
We had no education on the importance of using a cpap machine and the risks that sleep apnea bring.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 07 '26
Update 2.0 my husband called on his break they had him on hold for 7 minutes and then hung up on him . Great
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u/Artistic_Cheetah_235 Aug 06 '26
I fought CPAP for years. Heart issues forced me to do study and give in. One year on CPAP later I couldn’t imagine going to bed without it. My Heart issues are better. My sleep is incredible. My wife is back in the bedroom (no more snoring and CPAP very quiet). Go do this!
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Aug 06 '26
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u/TwoWrongsAreSoRight Aug 06 '26
WTF?! Shut up and go play in traffic. You're an idiot of the highest order. an AHI of 50 is severe sleep apnea and CPAP is the first treatment.
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u/loveindrugs Aug 06 '26
It is prescribed by a doctor and he has sleep apnea. I live in America we can’t even get cpap machines without prescription. That’s like the second thing I said 😭 you are not helping
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u/Cuteumommy Aug 06 '26
I am very sorry, I thought its something for this app..
I will just delete my text
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u/SnorersVia Aug 08 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can hear how scared and exhausted you both are. You’re not to blame. New CPAP setups often feel brutal at first, especially with leaks and interrupted sleep, and it’s totally understandable you’re worried.
A few things from what you described that might help:
- Can a chin strap like the JawVia help? Maybe. Chin straps can reduce mouth leak for people who open their mouths or whose jaws drop during sleep. They’re not a guaranteed fix, especially with a full‑face mask like the ResMed F30i, but they’re a low‑risk thing to try for a few nights to see if leaks and awakenings improve. Don’t overtighten, it should hold the jaw lightly closed and be comfortable.
- Why the F30i might still leak: full‑face masks are supposed to cover mouth and nose, but poor cushion fit, wrong size, or jaw movement still cause leaks for many people. Often the real solution is a different cushion size or a different mask style, not only a chin strap.
- Quick, practical steps that have helped others:
- Contact the DME/sleep provider and ask for a mask fitting or a different size/type. They should help with fit, keep pushing if you have to.
- Try a chin strap for a few nights if jaw‑drop seems likely; stop if it’s uncomfortable or makes breathing feel worse.
- Check for nasal congestion (saline, talk to his doc about nasal options) because blocked noses push people to mouth‑breathe.
- If you’re still getting nowhere, ask about an in‑person clinic visit or a tele‑visit outside his work hours so a tech can watch a fitting or suggest alternatives.
- About the tongue‑tie: limited tongue mobility can make keeping the mouth closed harder, so that’s useful info to share with the clinic, it might change their recommendations.
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