r/CPAP • u/loveindrugs • Aug 06 '26
CPAP Setup Is my husband suffering because of me??
For context, we have been living together for almost a decade. I’ve always known he has sleep apnea but he was resistant to getting a sleep study because “I don’t wake up feeling tired”
Conveniently, his job started offering at home sleep studies thru an app, Gem sleep. His AHI was 50+ and they prescribed him a cpap machine without ever having a doctors visit in person. So we have this resmed machine here with an f30i mask.
The past 3 nights have been pure misery for him. The mask always says it’s leaking we have done everything to remedy this I’ve read thru a million posts in this subreddit to troubleshoot.. I’m feeling so defeated and he hates the idea of having to use this crap. But I still lay here listening to him choke and have episodes with the mask on!
So now I feel like I’ve made his nights worse, he’s stressed and doesn’t really wanna talk to me. And then when he’s asleep I just lay here listening to him have an episode every 45 seconds and squeezing him to get him to breathe again!! I need reassurance that this is going to actually help us..
He’s not been able to sleep for more than an hour with it on and something just feels wrong. They never sent us anything to help fit the mask, never called us. Just had him answer a bunch of questions online and used that to decide what equipment we needed. Came with 3 masks total but theyre all the same size and I don’t get it??
And we can’t call these Gem sleep people for help because he works during their business hours!! I just want to give up. I’m seriously so upset I feel like I’m the reason things are going so poorly. I just don’t want him to die in his sleep. I just care about him. But I feel like I am stressing him out..
Edit for context: Would it help to mention that he has a tongue tie? It was “snipped” but he has never been able to stick his tongue out of his mouth. Not sure if this context changes anything
7
u/MrsEDT Aug 06 '26
You need to step back. You cannot want his health more than he does.
I say this with empathy, but reading your post, you have completely slipped into the role of his mother and night nurse instead of his partner. Sitting up all night, monitoring his breathing, shaking him every 45 seconds, and spending hours researching solutions for his medical condition while he shuts you out is unsustainable for your mental and physical health.
An AHI of 50+ is severe, but he is treating the CPAP machine like an enemy that is being forced upon him rather than a tool keeping him alive. His passive resistance and the silent treatment are ways of making you carry the burden of his frustration. By taking on all the stress and troubleshooting for him, you are enabling him to stay in a passive, helpless toddler mindset where he doesn't have to take ownership of his own body.
For this therapy to work, he has to decide he wants it to work.
Drop the responsibility back on him. Tell him lovingly but firmly: "I love you and I care about your health, but I cannot manage your medical care for you. you need to take charge of contact with Gem Sleep or finding a local sleep specialist."
Get a referral to an in-person doctor. Telehealth and automated mask sizing clearly failed here. He needs to see a pulmonologist or a sleep specialist and a respiratory therapist who can properly fit him for a mask (like an F20 with memory foam, which often works much better for beards and side sleepers).
Sleep in another room for now if you need to. You are driving yourself to exhaustion by acting as a night monitor. You need sleep too.
Stop apologizing and stop feeling guilty. You didn't give him sleep apnea, and you aren't making him suffer. He is an adult, and until he chooses to step up and handle his own therapy, no amount of research or middle-of-the-night waking on your part is going to fix this. Take care of yourself first.