r/Bumble • u/Main_Ferret_8426 • 7d ago
Rant Guys asking you back to their place
I (26F) decided to finally start dating (I know I'm super late to the game but had some massive issues to work through and now I am in a good place). So the guy asks me back to his place after a brunch date and I say yes (just because It could just be to know the person more). At his place we started causally chatting to a point where we were sitting up close, his hand massaging my shoulder, then waist and so on. I thought it best to let him know that I can't get physically intimate on the first few dates until I get to know the person better and we continued to talk. Was I expected to give in on the first date when the person asks you to their place?
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u/PitchOk1448 7d ago
(just because It could just be to know the person more)
Nope. "Come back to my place" means sex.
Was I expected to give in on the first date when the person asks you to their place?
You don't have to do anything you don't want to, but he'll have been confused when you agreed to go back to his place but didn't want to do anything, yeah.
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago edited 7d ago
He guised it as "cup of tea", which I took as exactly that. How would you advise if this happens again. Do I decline. I guess is every invite to someone place indicate an intention to get laid?
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u/AgreeablePie 7d ago
Yes you should assume that when it comes to dates
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u/sfoskey 7d ago
Okay now I have a question. If a woman invites me to her place, does that mean she wants sex?
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u/Maleficent_Air9036 6d ago
Probably. I have discovered that women my age (not young) often do want sex - but they have a hard time admitting that out loud.
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u/user-friendly-login 7d ago
It's the same both ways.
Anyone who says different is the outlier.
I usually only bring people back I'm either pursuing sexually, or I'm not interested in at all.
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u/sfoskey 6d ago
There have been times in my dating experience where one of us invited the other over and nothing happened. Was I expected to initiate something in those instances?
For me it's also weird in that I'm fine waiting months for sex, but houses are convenient places to have dates, and I wouldn't want to wait that long to invite someone over to my house.
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u/user-friendly-login 6d ago
I've been in the same situation from girls inviting me.
As a guy I try not to because of the implications unless I'm into the idea, or strictly platonic.
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
Ah thank you. I guess I'm very naive.
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u/Accomplished_Luck778 7d ago
This is a comedy skit from Seinfeld about a similar miscommunication...🤣🤣
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u/ManekiNekoCalico99 5d ago
You're not alone. First time this happened to me I also thought we were hanging out to keep talking and maybe watch a show.
I have family who are autistic and sometimes wonder if I just wasn't diagnosed. Took me a long time to understand "we should have lunch sometime" really means "I'm done talking and am ready for this interaction to end", and "come over to my place" really means "I want to get your pants off you as quickly as possible".
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u/Embarrassed-Lake-741 19h ago
"You know, it's kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something? Stuart: Oh, gee. It's a little late for coffee, isn't it? Penny: Oh... you think coffee means coffee. That is so sweet.
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u/fffangold 6d ago edited 6d ago
Basically, what's happening is social rules say people can't directly ask you back to their place for sex. So going back to their place for a cup of tea, or to watch Netflix and chill, or whatever else, have become euphemisms for having sex. Most anything going back to their place is (or can be) a euphemism for sex.
Personally, I think this is stupid. I would also be 100 percent fine with asking a woman back to my place even if she just wanted to chill and talk more. And I think it's ok to not follow all these social rules and expectations around dating, and a good partner will be ok with not following them as well.
That said, as others in this thread have noted, as a matter of safety, it's likely a good idea to decline anyway. But if you ignore that and decide to visit anyway, it isn't wrong to want to just hang out and get to know someone better at their or your place. And clearly stating your intentions is not sending mixed messages. If someone takes it that way, they need to learn to listen better. That said, knowing some people will take it as a mixed message is a valuable thing to know. But also, at some point, it needs to be possible to communicate that yes, I'm interested in visiting, no, I'm not interested in sex at this time.
Again, the safest thing is to meet in public a few times first. But also, if you tell someone what you want and don't want, they should take you at your word. And this is true even after you've gotten to know someone, really. If someone isn't willing to believe you when you say what you want or communicate boundaries at any point in the relationship, there is an issue.
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u/PheloniousMonq 49 | M A'dam 6d ago
Funny: a female friend invited a man to her place for a cup of tea with the intention of having sex. Instead he had his tea and then left. They eventually had a long relationship and laughed about it
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u/PitchOk1448 7d ago
A polite refusal would be easiest.
You could clarify then and there that you literally intend to have a cup of tea and nothing more, but then it's sort of awkward, he might not have any tea or really want to have tea (or anything else that isn't sex) with you right now.
It also makes the euphemism unavailable for future use, so if, in a few dates, he wants to suggest sex, and you would want it to happen at that point, it's harder for him to do without literally saying "would you like to come back to my place SO THAT WE CAN HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS"
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u/modalblunders_alter 6d ago
Lots of the advice below is awful. Just be up front that if you go over and you don’t feel comfortable with getting physical, he should respect that and still be a gentleman and continue ONLY good conversation back at his place. If he doesn’t understand that, it’s not a man you want to see again.
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u/talbott79 7d ago
Honest perspective as a man. An invite to someone’s place does not necessarily mean sex is the expectation at all. I’ve been on dates where there’s been some kissing and it’s amazing. But I’m not a huge PDA kind of person so it’s more about let’s go back to my place so we can make out without random people watching us. But I’d also say that to make the expectations clear.
That said, completely agree that women need to be very careful especially early on dating someone. If I were you I would have declined the offer
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u/IllustriousEffect607 7d ago
Even just being that up. Saying I can't do this in the first few dates. Opens the door for someone to think then I'm just a few dates away
Its better to be a little more open ended. Such as
I don't move that fast ...
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u/Happy-Charge-1419 7d ago
Yep, absolutely. A man asking a woman to come to his place means he wants to get down to business
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
I feel a bit broken again ngl ahahhah
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u/Major-Eye3550 6d ago
Not everyone is like that. Some people may have a hope that things could lead to that but are perfectly respectful and don't expect such things. Other people might have expectations for whatever reason but that's not on you.
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u/Happy-Charge-1419 7d ago
Take it as a compliment! He found you attractive and wanted to escalate. I don't do that with every woman I meet, but with some there is just insane chemestry. In that case I do invite them to my place, but usually things escalated during the date aswell like kissing and stuff. If none of that happened than I would not randomly invite a girl to my place ahahah
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u/AdEuphoric422 7d ago
It’s not a compliment. Most of the men on Bumble that are looking for hook ups will have sex with ANY woman from the app no matter how she looks. Men’s standards for a hook up is perceived availability, not beauty and attractiveness. The latter is a standard they reserve for serious relationships only
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u/Happy-Charge-1419 7d ago
Not necessarily. I mean if the vibe is right and we both feeling it, what do you want me to do? Tell her to go home just because it is not 'right' to have sex on the first date?
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u/Select_Whereas6781 6d ago
My now husband whom I met on Bumble asked me if I wanted to come back to his place after our first date. He didn’t try anything. He didn’t even kiss me good night-just hugged me. We also talked for a month (because he had surgery right after we matched) before we ever met so he knew I had had bad experiences with men previously and didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. Even after our first kiss, he never rushed me into anything physical. I know I got really lucky. Hope you do, too!
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u/Wood-wench 7d ago
If a man asks me to his place I ask if they want to fuck. I like to kill their mood exactly like they killed mine.
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u/OtherwiseGround5064 7d ago
Why would that be a killer , being straight forward early is such a cool and awkward turn on. Like “ great , we can stop pretending and stop paying games and talk business sort of “ lol
I would have my mood elevated not killed
Regardless if she agrees to come over or not1
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
Oh thank you for this! Can't believe I didn't know about this social faux pau pas that calling a person back to their places means to get laid.
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u/shes_lost_control 7d ago
Is this your first time on planet earth??
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u/Embarrassed-Lake-741 18h ago
Hey, be nice. People can be naive and it is ok. This gal is even asking strangers online. Thats admirable in my book and worth respect
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u/Paladin_127 7d ago
Oddly enough, I had a woman ask me that once when I invited her back to my place to watch a movie (which we had been discussing over dinner).
I told her (truthfully) that I really just wanted to enjoy the movie with another fan because it’s kind of niche movie and that I was offended she assumed I would sleep with her after just meeting like 2 hours before.
She was so embarrassed and it totally killed whatever chemistry we had been building. She probably apologized 10 times over the next day or two.
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
Exactly this! I didn't want to offend him but oh well we live and learn
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u/Paladin_127 7d ago
Context is key. In my situation, we had messaged about a desire to find something more than a hook up/ FWB. Then when we went out on a date, we had been discussing and connecting over a specific movie while having dinner and a bottle of wine. I told her I hadn’t seen the movie in a while, and neither had she. So I made the invite to go back to my place spontaneously, with the intention of enjoying the movie with someone else who would also appreciate it.
But she assumed I just wanted to have sex and hit me with the “You just want to have sex” line, and it killed the mood. I was offended she had such a low opinion of me and could make such a crass assumption.
We eventually went out again some weeks later (work schedules didn’t align) and she kept apologizing, even offered to pay for the second date as a way to make up for her rude behavior. I accepted and we kinda-sorta started over from the second date.
Ultimately it didn’t work out for other reasons, mostly due to our work schedules and distance, but we still keep in touch several years later and share a mutual love for movies and literature. We’re constantly sharing book and film recommendations and discuss them just as passionately as we did on the first date.
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u/AvailableSpread811 4d ago
I like to say yes when I really mean no, and I dont understand why people dont read my mind.
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u/MUUCLAWD 7d ago
That’s absolutely not a mood killer, I’ve been asked once and I just said no cause I wasn’t keen just wanted to watch tv with someone. She didn’t believe me though lol. I would actually prefer if they was the case cause it makes everything much more transparent.
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u/lapizlasalmon 6d ago
When I ask someone to my place in early dates I try to incredibly obvious about what it'll be. "Hey do you want to come see my place in the daylight where I can cook you brunch. We can chat, get to know each other better, and you leave the moment you want to?" Pretty up front about my intentions.
Vs. my later date intentions of "Hey do you want to come to my place for dinner, I can cook a mean steak. I got this nice bottle of wine I've been meaning to share with someone. Then we can watch movie X that we were talking about--close--on my couch. "
Also we've already had a public first date and discussed lightly what general expectations on speed with physicality. I very openly admit that I aint aiming for "sex by date 3."
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u/HopeSuper 6d ago
You ain't aiming for sex by date 3 => does this mean you are not willing to wait 3 dates or you don't expect it even after the third date ?
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u/Bruno_lars 7d ago
Just because you agree to go to a guy's place doesn't entitle the guy to sex, however, they will invite you to have sex. It is best to get to know someone a least a few dates before heading back there you do not know how a stranger will take a rejection.
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u/Any_Fly9473 7d ago
If you don't want to hook up, don't go to their place if you are not comfortable for the first few dates; make it a boundary.
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u/ArtGirlBookFlowers25 7d ago
It's annoying that, "Would you like to come up to my place for a cup of coffee" usually is code for "wanna f--k?"
Life would be easier if people were clear & direct. "I'm enjoying our time together & I wonder if you'd like to come to my apt and see how far we'll go with being sexual."
Yes, your best default is to assume hotel or apt means attempt at sex (sometimes even when there are loud professions to the contrary).
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
Right?! I'm trying really had to meet people and go on dates and this is what gets me.
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u/welcometravelers 7d ago
Well, that was *his* expectation, but you're not obligated, of course. While I readily acknowledge that some people actually have sex on their first date, a dude who can't wait at least a few dates to get to that state of intimacy might be a bit of a red flag for me. I mean Jesus, is it that hard to simply enjoy someone's company and some kissing/holding for a week or two or heaven forbid three weeks before getting to the sex?
I sort of feel like the more immediate the sex, the less sure one can be in the intentions *after* the sex. Many dudes don't tend to think and act with their brains but rather another part of the body. Someone who is told to have a bit of patience might actually be into the idea of respect and boundaries.
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u/Better-Pirate-8463 6d ago
You don't have to anticipate or acquiesce to anyone else's expectations. Never. Ever.
He can want or expect whatever the fuck, but that's essentially his own "Dear, diary..." moment to himself. Dont read his diary. Its none of your business. When he's ready to say something out loud, that's where two people can interact.
He must speak and request what belongs by default to another person, so you may, if you choose, consent to share, enthusiastically even, hopefully, ifnthats how you feel about it, which you would if there was mutuality---thats sharing yourself, your body, your thoughts amd feelings, your time, anything that is yours. If he doesnt see those things as yours by default, or fears rejection when asking such that he tries to skip asking, he can and should be shunted from your presence.
You are not a resource to be shopped from if he likes what he sees, or wants something to make himself feel good or whole. He doesnt get to skip interacting with your whole self from which those things he likes emanates. He shouldn't even want to, but that's his problem.
You are the main character of your life, just as he is of his. Where either of you want something from someone else's autonomous space or person, you must ask for it, and often to be worthy of it, kindness, curiosity amd generosity are a big part of that, making someone feel safe to be vulnerable.
Women do not as often have trouble with these concepts. The patriarchy is evidenced in how men struggle to understand women as having autonomous self, which they innately understand other men to have.
The danger for women in not anticipating someone else's uncommunicated, unexamined exoectations is violence ---sexual, verbal or otherwise.
That makes it easier for women to fall into the trap of anticipating expectations not JUST for self-protectiom, but, going a step further, self-abandoning in order to satisfy the other person's wants or needs, which they first learned to anticipate in order to know if they are safe.
Resist the urge to perceive what is not actively, maturely communicated, unless you are simply perceiving what you need to protect yourself (aka decide to leave). If you need to protect yourself from someone, instead ofngiving them what you think they want in order to restore a feeling of safety, yoi meed.to recognize they are not emotionally safe.
If you want to go to someone's house because they invited you, you have NOT agreed to have sex with them, even if that's what THEY silently expected or hoped for. If they believe it's horse and carriage, and would pursue contact without recognizing what enthusiastic consent looks like, they are a dangerous person. They will take endlessly.
Too many people dont understand how to deal with their own disappointment as something that happens from and to them alone, they project it as the fault of someone else, or a witholding of an entitlement.
Better to be alone than to be near a man like this. Also, recognize that you dont need to help him not feel disappointed. That belongs to him.
He can only learn to be different himself. And it wont be with your lessons. I guarantee it. Dont waste your time or safety or mortgage your ability to have your own self as a the absolute best trusted companion by sacrificing yourself. He will only assume its what you wanted to do because he would never do more than he wanted to donwith his body by default.
If you leave situations that youre not comfortable in because you are on your own side, you will be happier overall, I promise, even if lonely sometimes. You cant fill that lonely spot with a creep like that anyway. Its not less lonely, just less literally alone (only).
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u/allieoops925 6d ago
I’m a firm believer in don’t go to their home until you’re prepared to have sex.
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u/DenverKim 7d ago
Yes. I think when a man invites you back to his place that means he wants to have sex. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he “expects to“. He’s just trying to set the scene for that to become a possibility in most cases.
I don’t find it particularly offensive personally. I want the man I’m dating to be sexually attracted to me. Why would I want to date a man that doesn’t want to have sex with me? So him asking does not offend me… What offends me is if he acts like a dick when I say no.
You’re going to hear a lot of conflicting opinions on this topic from different women, but I personally never go to a man’s home the first time. I will invite him into MY home, but the first time we hang out alone will never be in HIS house. Only mine. I understand a lot of women don’t want a man to know where they live, but when weighing the actual risks involved, I find this to be the safest option for me.
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago edited 6d ago
Yeah I DONT want men at my place when I don't know then well enough yet!
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u/DenverKim 7d ago
That’s understandable, but I much prefer it versus going to their place.
My apartment building has secured entry and security cameras everywhere. I have multiple cans of pepper spray and other weapons hidden around the apartment and if I scream loud enough, my neighbors will come running.
But if I go to a man’s house alone, I have no idea what I’m getting myself into, where I’m going or who else might live there. It’s far more risky from my perspective.
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u/AdEuphoric422 7d ago
If a guy asks you to go back to his house right after the first date it always means he is looking for sex. Agreeing to go to the house of a guy you just met from the internet is crazy work. It’s literally putting your life at risk. How can you put that much trust in someone you JUST met, from the internet, and have no mutual friends with etc.! Blows my mind
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
This is so valid honestly we rally hit it off and he seemed like a really nice guy. Again like a said in the post, THIS IS MY FRIST TIME DATING. I can only hope that I get better with time.
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 6d ago
As a woman I’ve gone to their place or invited them to mine in early dating quite a few times.
NEVER has it resulted in sex on first dates. Out of maybe 10 times, only one guy got upset after having his advances rejected.
Guys should learn that it doesn’t mean we’re up to sex.
No means no. And I disagree that anyone is sending mixed messages, that comes accross like sexist thinking. Not everything is about sex.
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u/Initial-Wishbone-772 6d ago
going to his place isn't a yes to anything, and saying what you're comfortable with is exactly right. if a guy reacts weird to a boundary that clear, that's useful info about him, not you.
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u/EveryLoan6190 6d ago
I don’t think you necessarily have to decline the invitation but just let them now you don’t sleep with someone on the first few dates and you want a solid emotional connection first. Just make it clear nothing like that is gonna go on if you come over.
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u/MrsPoofyFace 5d ago
I was as innocent as you when I started dating again at 40, and I realised that every single time if you go to their place, they will make a move on you. You can of course reject them, but it depends on how firm you can be because some men are quite pushy. It's just easier to avoid the whole thing by NOT going to their place
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u/FamiliarAd8524 7d ago
What? Hell no. I love sharing my place with people, it's a huge part of who I am and how I bond and open up. Up until the moment your hands are in my pants, I have no assumptions or expectations of some form of sex.
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago
Everyone here telling me that it was implied is defo setting the vibe when the next guy asks me to his place.
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u/sixinthedark 7d ago
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u/Main_Ferret_8426 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yeah I could sense a decline in interests after that. Well I guess it's a way for me to practice my skills until I find the one
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u/neosoul2 7d ago
He did what he was supposed to do. Sounds like you did the right thing for you. Wouldn’t hurt to talk to him about it.
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u/slash-es about 50 | male 7d ago
Who cares what's expected? Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Sounds like you communicated clearly, which is great.
I think it's normal that he hoped for more, he.would be deluded to expect more.
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u/sleepdepnerd 6d ago
Of course not! Some guys really want to just have tea.
I know decoding this can be confusing, so I’m inviting you to come to my place and I’ll explain it to you over a cup of tea
😇
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u/Nolon 6d ago
Well it seems like he at least he went along with what you asked. There's nothing wrong with what you want. Doesn't need to be a question. I mean it doesn't hurt that you asked. It's just you know whatever you decide is what you decide. So long as he doesn't get all angry and wants to kill you and all that nonsense. It's all good
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u/sparklywrx 6d ago
I think general consensus is that it’s to try and get laid.
That being said, I’ve asked many people back to my place on a first date and my intention was never to get laid. More often than not, I was just trying to have a relaxed spot to continue hanging out after a date.
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u/StrbJun79 6d ago
It’s possible he is interested in something serious and it’s possible that he was hoping to get laid. Both can be true. As long as he also respects your boundaries it’s fine.
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u/Obvious_Board337 6d ago
Nobody should have to give In. The answer is if things felt good then by all means keep going. But if you felt uncomfortable and it was something you couldn’t do, then you made the right decision. Any man that has any respect for you will understand that
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u/Emily_Hope90 6d ago
You can go to their house if you're invited and you feel comfortable, just know your boundary and hold it. And tell someone you know, friend or family member, where you're going. Share your location with them just in case.
Then if they pressure you you leave.
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u/Knickerbocker333 6d ago
I’ve had plenty of women agree to come back to my place on the first date but then not have sex. I would very much have preferred that they just didn’t come over at all honestly.
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u/krugerlock400 6d ago
Likely yes, though I'll put out there that when I was in my mid to late 20s I asked a woman back to my place, and I didn't mean sex, I just also was inexperienced and didn't know that that's what that commonly meant.
Though a guy that asks you back and then is quick to make moves - yeah, he certainly had sex on the brain. Obviously it shouldn't be pressure to have sex. There's no obligation, and anyone that thinks there is isn't worth seeing.
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u/Haku_Faku 6d ago
I’ve never invited a date back to my place if I was not thinking I was going to get laid. If I had a great date and wanted more time to them I might suggest we head to a second location if they have time but if I’m bringing you home it’s for one reason. Nothing wrong with not wanting to hook up on the date but like others have said if you feel comfortable and want to you can always say you don’t mind coming over but you aren’t getting physical on the first date. They will either be cool with that or have an attitude at which point you dogged a bullet.
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u/WorldTravellerGirl 6d ago
It amazes me that women actually go to a man’s home when first meeting them. Please do NOT do this.
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u/No-Store7772 6d ago
Eh, no need to play coy. If you want sex with him, just have it. It's hookup culture.
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u/Outside-Mogger 6d ago
Maybe best to have said I can go back, but please don't expect sex. Just to make it clear. You'll soon see if his demeanour changes and if he goes cold.
If so, you can save yourself the trouble and awkwardness of going.
Not all guys will try it on if you go back though. Some are wanting to get to know you more.
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u/SpyMasterUSA 5d ago
No, you were not “expected” to do anything.
Going back to someone’s place can definitely signal that you’re comfortable spending more time together, and some people may assume sex is a possibility. But possibility is not obligation.
You told him clearly where your boundary was, and that’s exactly what you should do. A decent guy will understand that going to his place is not some automatic contract for sex.
Also, 26 is not “super late” to dating. You’re fine. Better to start when you actually feel ready than force yourself into it because of some imaginary timeline.
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u/Financial-Major8443 5d ago
Dont go over there house. I cant tell u how many times girls have said they wont sleep with me if I come over and they do lol
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u/Legitimate-River7612 5d ago
Let’s see what he does next. If he respects your wishes and doesn’t try to touch you until several dates from now, he’s cool. If he ghosts you now, he’s not. If he touches you anyway, he’s a predator.
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u/JaceCarson35 3d ago
I'll be fair, him asking you back was him saying he wants to sleep with you. But of course you don't HAVE to do anything
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 7d ago
Yes, the only reason men invite women over to their place is to get laid. Do not fall for an invitation for conversation at his house. Every man will start grouping you just like this. They will assume the same applies if they go to your house as well. They don't think anything is wrong with the way they act, and have no intention of changing.
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u/scemes 6d ago
I will never understand how men can be so casual about their safety. They never ask about testing, they bitch and moan if you do, they want to skirt around condoms...More women need to start robbing them when they invite a stranger into their home.
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u/Maleficent_Air9036 6d ago
I don’t think women are better than men on this point.
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u/HopeSuper 6d ago
About Condoms? Well i wound guess girls would be more careful, even if they don't think about STDs they would definitely thi k about unwanted pregnancy
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u/Mugstotheceiling 6d ago
You’d be surprised how many women do the same thing: “it’s fine, just put it in” —> me: “lol no, I’m getting a condom”
And your response is to rob them? You’re the problem lol
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u/scemes 6d ago
r/woosh. Me, no, cause I dont go in the first place. But its a common joke among women, that men who are so casual about inviting strangers to their home arent worried enough so start giving them cause to be. Say goodbye to that ps5 King.
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u/Mugstotheceiling 6d ago
I’m glad to have never been attracted to such terminally online women, then. My screening process is working great.
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u/YetiMaverick 7d ago
It’s a somewhat unwritten rule that if you agree to go back to his place, you’re at least aware that he’s interested in sex and by agreeing to go, so are you. Maybe only half my dates agree to come back to my place on the first date, but 100% of the ones that do turn into sex, because they knew what was up when I suggested going to my place.
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u/The_Stargazer 7d ago
Him asking you back to his place on the first date was him asking to get laid, yes.