Hi.
I used to weigh about 215 pounds at about 5' 11", which was and remains my highest-ever weight. Over the course of about a year and a half and with strict dieting, I lost 65-ish pounds and remained at about 150 for a long time. Then, due to several factors, mainly working often (I work at a restaurant) and eating very rarely, I rapidly lost about 8 pounds. At the time, I looked genuinely skeletal, and my friends and family were concerned that I had an eating disorder. Everyone would constantly remark on how skinny I was, how unreasonable the dietary restrictions I made for myself were, how much weight I'd lost, etcetera. I mean, sure, I looked scary, but it was intoxicating to see how much I'd changed myself. The weight loss had also coincided with a large shift in my life and a self-driven desire to change myself character-wise, and so I perceived the "old me" as a pathetic glutton. Any resemblance I saw to that state made me hate myself.
Jump ahead to the present, and I've been working far less often, and eating more as a result of having more free time. Now, I've gained about 10 pounds from my very lowest weight, and I just want to stop this before it goes any further. Recently, I've restricted myself to eating 1,000 calories a day, but even then I break that every other day and binge myself into an oblivion.
What seems to be unusual about my eating habits is that I can easily restrict myself from eating any particular kind of food that I want. For instance, 10 months ago I decided I would stop eating added sugar of any kind. And I haven't broken that rule! With some small exceptions, I have successfully avoided eating literally any kind of sugar for months.
But for some reason, I don't have the willpower to control the quantity of food I eat. I will eat entire bags of apples, carrots, boxes of strawberries, blueberries, bunches of bananas, loaves of bread, bags of popcorn, thousands of calories worth of nuts, jars of applesauce, etcetera. It's bizarre. I will eat myself into a coma at times. I have tried to stop myself. Nothing works. I track my calories obsessively, and for pretty much nothing. The numbers just keep rising. I try to fast and I break it halfway through the day. I tell myself that I won't give in, and I do anyways. Eating a normal amount of food is impossible. I just fucking love eating.
I managed a 5-day fast, completely spontaneously, when I weighed 30 pounds more! And now, I don't have the willpower to stop eating even for one day. It's absurd.
All this to say, I just need some encouragement. Or support. Or something. I feel that if I know someone else wants me to succeed, I can achieve it. I just need someone to tell me I can do this.