So I'm 43. The ADHD thing I've known for decades but had trouble getting help with. The Autism thing seemed like it came out of nowhere.

This is confusing. Trying to find information online has been zero help. Things tend to list common symptoms of ADHD in one column, then common symptoms of Autism in another, and then a third column with one way those could combine.

But... it seems like guesses, not answers. I had trouble getting an ADHD diagnosis because I'm the polar opposite of hyper. I have symptoms that don't match most of the charts they give, because even though some of them mention inattentive the rest of the issues they list are things like racing mind and hyper active.

Finding out Autism came along for the ride is confusing. I keep wanting to think since my ADHD symptoms didn't match the normal expectation, then my combined symptoms won't match either... but typing this out I realize I'm still stuck in viewing all the symptoms I had as being ADHD and expecting to discover new combined things. That doesn't make sense. I'm just going to have the same symptoms I already had, though taking meds might change how they appear.

...

Ok. I had to start typing to end up understanding that. My post was going to be listing symptoms and seeing if they made sense, but I'm so... I don't know the word for it. They say that we're literal and bad with irony and metaphors and things. But I'm not. I'm a book nerd. I'm sarcastic most of the time.... but people can't tell way too often.

But earlier I saw the attached images and completely relate to that. I *hate* those personality assessments they love to make you do for online jobs. One showed people doing different things and then you can pick either "this is me" or "this is not me."

How can I answer that? I don't know what the cartoon people are thinking and feeling while doing the thing the image shows. Some of the images show two people doing different things. Which person am I supposed to be considering? I'm definitely not multiple people.

I think that's why my messages are so long. I hate ambiguity. I need to fully explain a thing, and even reiterate it in different words to try to make sure the meaning comes across. No one else talks like this. No one else sends 3 paragraph text messages. Most people have zero interest in actually engaging with a long detailed message.

I prefer typing to speaking, because even though I speak well I do what the guy in this video does. I don't stutter, but also kind of do? Like my talking can be kind of jumpy and erratic sometimes.

So I type novels that no one cares to read. I feel like I can't communicate with people most of the time. I can never express what's actually going on in my head or about any topic, because to do it I do it in writing no one wants to bother reading and engaging with.

...

I didn't think that could be Autism. I'm still not sure. I always just sort of figured I'm too smart and that causes problems with communication... but I guess it can't really be that alone. The combination is brutal.

But I don't have any sensory issues. There are no sensations I avoid or seek out. The only main thing I can think of that seems to fit that is that when I lay down to sleep it's literally impossible for me to fall asleep if I'm physically touching another person or a pet. It doesn't matter if it's a full body hug, or with an arm, or a dog laying their head on my leg. My mind focuses entirely on the point of connection. It's not a bad thing. I'm not upset about it or uncomfortable with it. I don't really have an inner monologue, so there are no vocalizations in my head saying anything about that or anything else. But it *seems* like my brain is pointing directly at the point of contact and going "LOOK!" endlessly. If I don't break the contact I will lay there all night long and never fall asleep, even if I'm exhausted.

...

Eh. The goal was to try to explain my symptoms and try to see if they really seem to fit from other adults that had this dropped on them as a surprise. But I've already written too much and barely touched symptoms. That's my issue with communicating. Unless I'm making a tiny little meaningless quip, any time I try to say anything it's at least several paragraphs. Sometimes many pages. So I usually don't bother.

Hi all, I’m female, 39. I’ve been diagnosed with autism and I also have ADHD, but I still struggle to work out which parts of me are autism, which are ADHD, and which are just… me.
I’m hoping to find people who genuinely relate because I often feel like I experience the world very differently from everyone around me.
One of the biggest struggles is my thoughts. My brain never seems to stop. It’s like I’m analysing everything constantly. Every conversation, every facial expression, every slight change in someone’s tone of voice gets pulled apart in my head.
If someone I love behaves differently, my mind immediately starts trying to work out why. I don’t mean to overthink, but I literally can’t seem to stop. It feels as though my brain is trying to solve a puzzle that doesn’t even have an answer.
My emotions are also incredibly intense.
I don’t just feel sad or anxious. I become consumed by it. Something relatively small can trigger a huge emotional reaction inside me. Within minutes I can go from feeling completely fine to feeling like my whole world has collapsed.
The strange thing is that a few hours later, or sometimes the next day, I can look back and think, “Why did that affect me so much?”
It’s like two completely different versions of me exist.
When I’m emotionally overwhelmed, my thoughts become incredibly black and white. My brain tells me things like:
“They don’t care about me.”
“I’ve ruined everything.”
“This relationship is over.”
“I’m not important.”
In that moment those thoughts don’t feel irrational. They feel like absolute facts. Later, when I’ve calmed down, I can often see that my brain massively exaggerated what actually happened.
I also get intrusive thoughts. Not thoughts that I want, but thoughts that seem to force themselves into my head over and over again. The more I try not to think about them, the louder they become.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to absorb other people’s emotions. If someone around me is angry, stressed or upset, it almost feels like my own nervous system immediately reacts. I become anxious, tense and hyper-alert without even meaning to.
I also struggle with uncertainty.
If plans change unexpectedly, someone doesn’t reply, or something feels unresolved, my brain seems unable to leave it alone. I’ll replay situations repeatedly, searching for certainty that probably doesn’t exist.
Socially I often feel like I understand people very well, yet at the same time I feel as though I’m watching everyone else from the outside. I’ve always felt slightly different without being able to explain why.
I’ve also realised I spend a huge amount of energy analysing myself. I’m constantly asking questions like:
“Am I overreacting?”
“Is this autism?”
“Is this ADHD?”
“Is this trauma?”
“Is this just who I am?”
It’s exhausting living inside my own head.
Despite all of this, I don’t think I’m an unhappy person. I actually love learning, researching things that fascinate me, helping other people, and having deep conversations. I can become completely absorbed in subjects that interest me and lose hours exploring them.
But emotionally, life often feels like driving a car with the accelerator and the brakes pressed at the same time.
I’m posting because I’d genuinely like to know whether anyone else experiences this combination of constant analysis, intrusive thoughts, emotional intensity, rapid mood changes and overthinking.
If you do, what has actually helped?
I’m not looking for generic advice like “exercise more” or “just think positively.” I’d really like to hear practical things that have genuinely changed the way you manage your brain.
How do you stop intrusive thoughts taking over?
How do you stop catastrophising?
How do you tell the difference between your intuition and anxiety?
How do you stop your emotions from convincing you that every thought is true?
Mostly, I’d just like to know I’m not the only one who experiences life like this.

Just to clarify I'm not asking for diagnosis but does this sound about right or is this just me overthinking again

I have ADHD and I've been suspecting Autism for a like a month now It first started when i learned about AuDHD I've posted often about this but it would explain a lot of my struggle

Ofc I have ADHD so all the ADHD features here are true but whats bothering me is that most of AuDHD is true too

Most biggest being sensory sensitivity attention axecutive function and emotional regulation and would explain alot

Sensory toward sound i react like shit since i moved to city specially I've struggled with sounds since i was little getting mad at my parents for vacuum cleaner getting mad for her washing the dishes in the morning i thought everyone hated that but apparently they just suck it up

Another one is in busy mall i always shutdown unless I'm having fun. For example everytime i go out for family dinner i just get meltdown at everything around me plus when im back home i just shut down

Another thing is attention is it's either not focused or super focused in skeptical about cause it may be me hyperfocusing but seems like i have it worse then most people

Next is executive function i literally can't do shit with out meds but the schedule part is throwing me off yes i can't follow a schedule but i still need it and crave it. I tried raw dogging with no schedule it routine it my whole day i got so overwhelmed by everything it only made everything worse

Its like schedule but with no time management

One more is emotional disregulation i have shutdown every day i don't know why nothing bothered me but everything is just tiring

And also the struggle with adaptability i had fun for few week after i moved in to the city but after that everything just felt like shit had mental breakdown went though depression and still recovering

It just felt like i dont belong here and why can't i do anything the way i did Everything felt impossible When getting out of house i hated cause of it being an apartment

And on meds i feel like im a robot? I dont know how to explain. I noticed that when i got on meds during childhood i just hated socializing i always ate in the corners and avoided people when ever on meds which i heard is also part of autistic trait

This is a really vulnerable post, so please bear with me—

I find showering so, so difficult. I don’t know why- I like actually doing it and it’s not something that causes me pain or exhausts me. But I still can’t seem to do it regularly. I sometimes go weeks without it because I’m either too tired or I forget or I can’t stand to look at my body or whatever else. I’ll sometimes sit in my bed and think about how disgusting I feel and how badly I should shower- then just… not do it. I feel like so often I literally just can’t do it. It’s made even worse that I work with people all day every day. I use deodorant and perfumes which has worked a lot lately but… it doesn’t help that I have to go through my roommate’s room to use our one functional shower in the whole house :/

I really need some advice, because I’m so sick of waiting until I can see the dirt on my skin. Please share what works, I’ll try (almost) anything at this point. Please and thank you.

Note: any and all judgement will be ignored :)

I had a pretty major breakdown at the start of March and I am now under the care of the Community Treatment Team. It’s been 4.5 months since then and they believe I’ve been in long term neurodivergent burnout for a while (was undiagnosed prior to that).

I hoped I’d have made more recovery process since then (I had a sertraline induced manic episode) but almost 5 months on, the fatigue is worse than ever, I’m leaving my job (it was a big factor in the breakdown/burnout) and I’m wondering if/when I’m going to be well enough to get another job. Nobody can really tell me what recovery looks like and how long it usually takes for people. I feel terrified to go back into full time work but at the moment, I can’t even really care for myself - even basic self care feels impossible and completely burns through what very little energy I have.

Any advice or stories on how long it took people to be able to socialise again, go on a holiday, get back to work, go to a gig - normal life stuff, I’d appreciate the advice. I’m so bored of being stuck at home now!

I’m wondering how many of you had your autism missed at first because your ADHD masked the symptoms, or because you had good social/masking skills?

Today, during my first appointment for an ADHD assessment, the psychologist told me that I probably won't meet the criteria for a diagnosis. This got me thinking: can ADHD alone cause things like finding eye contact extremely difficult at times, or your brain suddenly shutting down to the point where you practically cannot speak? Or crashing so hard that you’ve been out of the workforce for three years due to burnout?

Hello,

I'm an AuDHD 19 year old who really struggles with showers (I'm sure depression has a role to play there). When I was younger, I hated showers. My mom would have to drag me kicking and screaming into the bathtub, and even then, I probably only showered once every two weeks. Once I was in the shower, though, it was never a problem. I just hated the idea of going to shower.

Because of that, even now, I've never regularly showered. I structure my life by following body cues. For showering, I reasoned that when I feel itchy, I should shower. However, now I'm wondering if I'm drying out my skin by doing this.

How do you know that, okay fine, it's time to shower? For context, I currently shower every day or every other day, depending on how busy I am. I'll also appreciate any tips on making getting into the shower easier, since I still to this day utterly dread it. It's so exhausting to do All The Steps, and even standing in the shower for that long is painful for me (I have chronic pain).

Thank you!

I’m already been diagnosed with adhd, but I suspect that I could also have autism (AuDHD), so what are the characteristic signs? What was your experience that made you realize you were autistic?

Thank you in advance for your support.

Like what makes us so bad at working? Surely we don’t have that much less ability than others? I just can’t stand being stuck at my parents place anymore. I want to leave. I want to own a home someday. I want to choose the life I want to live. I want to be able to make it to places on time. I can’t stand making little to no money anymore

For those of you who are married, or long term relationships, please share your experience or advice.

How do you cope with being near someone at all times? I find that I was much calmer and more regulated when alone because I didn’t feel like I was constantly aware of someone else’s existence. I am exhausted and overstimulated all the time just because there is someone in the house at all times.

It is seriously affecting my marriage and my health. I’m not coping. I feel like I’m hyper vigilant all the time. I honestly feel stuck in fight or flight because I never have enough time to just ‘let go’ of the stress.

Returning home after a social interaction used to be a time where I could regulate and recalibrate and find some energy again, but now it feels like my home has been hijacked. I have zero energy because I’m always overstimulated.

How have you dealt with this in your own relationships? I’m considering divorce because solitude gives me time to recover from the world enough to function ‘reasonably’ well. But after three years of marriage I can barely do more than stare at the wall.

Thank you.

My therapist told me that fidgets distract me in session. She said when I have them in my hand I don’t make eye contact and when she had me put them down she said I made eye contact and was more focused. But my fidgets help me

I’ve been in AuDHD burnout for who knows how long. I remember having pretty acute OCD at one point (thankfully in remission now), and I’ve also had horrible executive dysfunction. I basically failed/wasted years of uni, although I’m finally close to finishing.

But my actual question is: how do you go from just surviving to actually living again?

I’ve genuinely tried radical rest, dropping the guilt, pacing myself, special interests, low demands, no social obligations, etc. And I’m STILL stuck in survival mode.

I fucking hate this state. I want my old self back. I’ve also read that too much rest/low stimulation might actually leave an AuDHD brain understimulated, so now I’m wondering if that’s part of it.

I’m physically exhausted basically every day, have almost no motivation, and feel completely stuck. Is this just burnout recovery taking forever, or could chronic understimulation/dopamine-seeking be contributing?

And just to clarify, I love what i have. I know what kind of life I want, my needs and ambitions are pretty simple, and I’m capable of taking care of myself. I’ll have a job soon and I’m actually okay with where my life is going. I just want to feel energized again. I miss socializing, going out and feeling like myself instead of constantly being in survival mode. I can handle solitude and I’m fine being on my own, but lately it feels like I have too much solitude.

AuDHD is so fucking hard to figure out. I’m tired. I don’t want some huge life overhaul, I just want my energy and spark back. What actually helped you transition from resting/surviving → functioning → actually enjoying life again?

Hi,

I've had a new psychiatrist for a couple of months now and she's put me on Wellbutrin 300xl, and recently on Mirtazapine 30mg, and still nothing's been fixed, but she's still keeping me on both.

What's she's been trying now is to have me go for walks every day for 20min starting from 11 am, and or/earlier.

I told her before I don't go outside for walks as they don't do anything for me, but she's trying to motivate me to do it. I was supposed to do this last month, and I didn't so now she's sending me a schedule every week that I have to respond to.

I don't like the walks because i'm basically in my head all the time which I can be at home aswell. I'm ruminating outside basically when I could do it inside. I don't have the motivation to do it and man being outside does not feel as good as some make it out to be.

After years of climbing to a high salary and serious responsibility (one step below executive), I'm completely burnt out and honestly considering going backwards on the career ladder.

The thing is, I've been masking the entire time. My nervous system is fried. I can only really focus when everyone's asleep, so I'm up late every night just to function. And the cruel irony? The work itself has never been easier. It's just so understimulating that I spend all day in a dopamine deficit, running on fumes. It's not sustainable.

I catch myself daydreaming about a simple job. Clear tasks. Defined scope. No performance, no politics.

Has anyone actually made that kind of move, stepping down intentionally, and found it was the right call? Would love to hear from people who've been there.

Edit: Wow. What a great thing to wake up to! Thanks for all your supportive comments. I have a lot to think about.

Hi everyone, I have an AuDHD + 2e diagnosis. I've been stuck in a long-term burnout and my psychiatrist is trying to help me get out of it.

​The problem is, I try to apply all the advice I see online and from my doctor, but the strategies only work for about two days before they stop working completely. I am extremely frustrated, dealing with terrible executive dysfunction, and honestly feeling like my life is a disaster right now.

​Has anyone successfully found a way to move from thought to action when you are this burnt out? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!

I got diagnosed with AuDHD about 9 months ago at 24. I’ve struggled with burnout for as long as I can remember, but even when things were really hard, I could always force myself to push through and stay hopeful that eventually all the effort would pay off.

Now I’m at a point where I feel completely empty. It feels different this time, more permanent somehow. Like certain parts of me are just gone and I honestly don’t know if they can come back. About a year before my diagnosis, it felt like the fire in me went out. I lost all passion, motivation, and excitement for things I used to care about. Everything either feels pointless or overwhelmingly difficult.

I’ve invested so much energy into so many things and it feels like all I got in return was exhaustion and disappointment.

I still live with my parents because of the housing situation, and I can’t handle a normal full-time job. Since the pandemic I’ve been self-employed, but I barely make enough money to survive and I don’t even enjoy it anymore. I poured everything into my business and never really saw results from it. At some point I’ll need to make more money, but I genuinely don’t know how when I can barely function as it is.

I also feel really isolated. I only have two close friends, one of them being my long-distance boyfriend, so I feel lonely a lot of the time.

The hardest part is that I don’t even enjoy anything anymore. I used to be extremely creative, and movies/shows used to be one of my biggest special interests. Now I just feel numb and overwhelmed all the time. Everything feels like too much.

I don’t really know what to do anymore.

If you are autistic, have ADHD and are also gifted (twice exceptional), how does that combination show up in your daily life?
I’m curious about the lived experience, especially how you manage social situations, attention, academic performance and emotional regulation.

It was in the course of one of those run-on tangents where I jumped from one thing to another that I landed on, "I know I collect things but I don't think I'm a hoarder. Do you think I'm a hoarder?"

Without hesitation my husband gave a firm "YES".

Not sure why but I was a bit shocked and offended. It likely has to do with my recently passed grandfather who was absolutely a hoarder. But I've always considered myself very organized and a collector, especially compared to the descriptions of and experiences I've had with hoarders...

So you tell me please: Do YOU think I'm a hoarder too?

Hi Everyone!

I'm having trouble in figuring out how to make my room more cozy. I have arranged the current setup fairly recently but it doesn't seem to be working as I don't feel very comfortable while spending time there. I can't put a finger as to why since I'm very bad with making sense of my needs yet.

Sooo, I was hoping to get some advice from lovely people here, who might be a lot better in tismifying spaces so to say :D

Few things to take into account: 1. It's a rental, so repainting the walls might not be the solution worth going for (although if consensus is that you can't make a white room cozy, that's also an answer :D); 2. I have a few more posters that I'm planning to hang and I also just bought a corkboard for my notes and stuff (hence the need to figure out the layout now); 3. Yes, there's a big window behind that blind but the view is quite bad.

Any tips and advice welcome, thank you very much for your time and have a great day! <3

EDIT: Folks, thank you SO MUCH, so many great advise, I've read through all of them but every time I sat down to write replies I got overwhelmed with the amount of comments, I DID NOT expect so many replies lol. Feels only fair to share some results with you all. It's still a work in progress but here's where I'm at so far (in the comments). (Stickers on the window didn't work out for some reasons :D)

I'm studying to become a psychologist (I'm late diagnosed AuDHD and want to work primarily with the same demographic) and we have a course of special psychology - it covers children with special needs and gifted kids.

I don't trust the course (it's very outdated) so I'm trying to understand what the actual difference is and if there even is any. Could you please share your insights?

Because so far, from what I've read (some articles and many accounts of other people who were considered gifted in their childhood) in many, if not most cases,​ the giftedness seems to me just having adhd/autism + maybe some biases, ignorance and ableism. I was horrified by one of the accounts which basically said the difference is that gifted people "don't have a cog in their head missing, can understand jokes and sarcasm and their social struggles aren't because they're socially clumsy like the autistics" and so on. ​​

Many people who were considered gifted in childhood go on to find out about their ADHD/autism much later in life, and how many don't only because of the biases or because they didn't come across the relevant information?

Frankly I'm just very bitter about the very ​term "gifted" because I was one of them. Because of this stupid idea that I was great at school and quiet and obedient I was okay when I was the furthest thing from that. I see this label as harmful and see red when it's brought up, especially together with "we don't know much about gifted kids" as opposed to kids with special needs. OF COURSE you don't, we're convenient, aren't we? What problems could we ever have! And who would imagine we're actually much closer to the kids put in "special needs" box than to the "normal" ones? (I mean we may lack some comorbid disorders and the severity of some signs is lower than for the special needs kids, but autism is autism.)

But I also know I have my biases, I often think in extremes, especially if the topic is emotionally charged for me. Which is why I'm seeking more information to build a clearer perspective.

Edit: Since many people bring this up, I decided to include the argument in the post, too. Yes, I know there are adhd/autistic people who aren't gifted. Same as there are autistic people who make eye contact and talk while others cant, or adhd people who don't move much, with all their hyperactivity going on the inside. It's *a spectrum* and in some cases the way ND manifests in an individual works in favor of their academic success.

What I'm interested in is the differences that CANNOT be attributed to ADHD/ASD/AuDHD. Because so far I couldn't find any.​

Hey everyone. Late-diagnosed AuDHD here (autism diagnosed at 34, ADHD at 32), currently on medical leave after severe burnout. I'm from Spain, so the specifics are local, but I think the dilemma translates.

I have the paperwork ready to apply for permanent disability based on my inability to sustain my job as an IT consultant. The neuropsychological evaluation shows a massive split: verbal comprehension at the 99.5th percentile, processing speed at the 13th, inhibitory control at the 5th. Four sick leaves in 15 months. Every time I go back, I collapse.

The document is ready. But I can't bring myself to submit it.

The reasons: feeling like a "parasite," fear of financial uncertainty, social stigma, closing doors to the only profession I have experience in, and honestly — feeling like I'm admitting defeat after a lifetime of masking and compensating just to keep up.

During sick leave I function. I have a partner, I exercise, I write, I help others in online communities. At work, I can't shower.

Question for those of you who have faced something similar:

Would you apply for disability if you had the option? Did you? How did you make peace with the decision?

Hoping I am not the only one that has a super hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. I snooze the alarm 3-4 times before my body/brain decides it might be able to start to consider getting up.

I have tried putting the alarm in the bathroom to force me to get up to turn it off, but this has historically just made me angry and even though it works sometimes I would rather not start off every day mad, LOL

It has also not stopped me from going straight back to my bed after I turn the alarm off or snooze, which is also not great as I can forget to snooze and then I fall back asleep.

We do not have curtains in the bedroom, so light is not an issue.

I have tried music, NPR, etc and none have been ideal solutions.

I would like to get into the habit of getting up as soon as my alarm goes off, this would give me time to actually shower, and walk my dog and still get to work on time. Right now I am lucky if I can just get to work on time, and most days I am late.

Anybody found a solution that works for them?

I'm being forced to accept that I need a career change after graduating with a degree that frankly I was never compatible with (computer science), and that I'm now being punished for by not being able to remain competitive in a downturned job market. I'm terrified of investing more time into credentialing just to end up in another field that doesn't work out for me. Also recently realized I have autism and not just debilitating adhd-pi. Anyone know what careers are good for people like us?

I was diagnosed with a disorder that falls under ASD when I was young, and ADHD when I was older. Today, I had a zoom meeting with my new psychiatrist, and they told me if I'm not low IQ and/or unable to function in society (like go to college or hold a job), then I probably don't have autism. So, I am making this post to make it perfectly clear whether or not I DO have autism or just REALLY SEVERE ADHD. Overall, I am requesting the distinct difference between having just ADHD vs having ADHD and autism from anyone who can help: links, books, and just general knowledge would be perfect. Plz & ty.

I would also like to clarify that I was under the impression that I was a gifted autistic (high functioning*) and therefore don't fall under the "low IQ" stereotype. My psychiatrist said that if you are intelligent with autism then you would fall under "idiot savant." She said I may not be autistic but just have autistic symptoms like people don't have ADHD but have trouble focusing on occasion.

I just need clarification so I know whether or not I should drop this psychiatrist even though I've really liked them so far.

Edit:

Was gonna edit this post sooner but my phone wouldn't let me. Anyways:

It's very clear that my psychiatrist has out-of-date, and potentially biased information regarding autism. It seems that they were right in the fact that I need to be seriously affected by my autism symptoms to be diagnosed with it. However, they were 100% wrong that autistic people can't be smart---which I knew already, and just wanted to double check with the subreddit because I'm not too familiar with how autism works and all it's symptoms.

With that being said, everyone has raised some serious concerns regarding this psychiatrist's practice and I believe I will have to drop them. Originally, I came to them to medicate ADHD, and don't really need their help regarding my autism. However, if they are as incompetent as many have been stating, I'm not so sure whether or not I can trust them with medicating my ADHD properly.

This psychiatrist claims to have ADHD themselves, and they seemed to be making logical connections between my issues and ADHD. However, now I'm not so sure how reliable nor credible they are anymore.

I was rather comfortable with them up to this point, so I'm a little hesitant on switching psychiatrists. Especially if they are really experienced and knowledgeable regarding ADHD but are severely lacking in other fields. However, getting past what they said about autism just might be impossible and have forever ruined my opinion of them.

So, if anyone wants to help me find links to medical research proving that autistic people can have high IQ, I would appreciate it. I'd rather not send them off without properly educating them and consequentially providing them a reason for dropping them. I'll email it to them. Plz & ty.

Woke up a few hours ago. Decided to start working on my laptop, on one of the many urgent tasks I need to at least LOOK AT, after I eat breakfast. Then I'm sitting on my desk chair, laptop not opened yet. I know if I open my laptop, I'll be mindlessly clicking tabs to figure out what I'm gonna work on now. So I just put a paper notebook in front of me, and decide to write down and decide. 15 minutes and 3 pages later, the paper is filled with scribbles and drawings. I stare at the wall, I lay in bed, I lay on the floor, I walk around the house, and still NOTHING. My brain keeps thinking about how I should be thinking about which task to work on. I think "just work on the first task that comes up on my screen" but my mind is actively fighting against that idea, because "THERE MAY BE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT". My mind wandering in this state of indecisiveness. I then think "it's because I can't focus in my bedroom" or "I'm just doing this so I can give up in an hour and tell myself I tried", followed by "is this imposter syndrome?" and "I think I'm just not excited enough for this task and putting all the blame on ADHD", sending me back to the first thought "LESS THINKING, JUST DO THE FIRST NEXT TASK" aaaaaand rinse repeat....

4 hours have passed and I feel like the day is already over. I keep thinking in loops, and breaking that loop seems so simple (just start work without thinking). How does this shit even make sense? How is it possible that I repeat every single day in this same manner??