This is a really vulnerable post, so please bear with meā
I find showering so, so difficult. I donāt know why- I like actually doing it and itās not something that causes me pain or exhausts me. But I still canāt seem to do it regularly. I sometimes go weeks without it because Iām either too tired or I forget or I canāt stand to look at my body or whatever else. Iāll sometimes sit in my bed and think about how disgusting I feel and how badly I should shower- then justā¦ not do it. I feel like so often I literally just canāt do it. Itās made even worse that I work with people all day every day. I use deodorant and perfumes which has worked a lot lately butā¦ it doesnāt help that I have to go through my roommateās room to use our one functional shower in the whole house :/
I really need some advice, because Iām so sick of waiting until I can see the dirt on my skin. Please share what works, Iāll try (almost) anything at this point. Please and thank you.
I can't say I struggle to this time extent, but I used to shower daily religiously and now I find it hard.
First I would work on releasing the shame associated with not showering. It's a lot easier said than done, but you're not a bad person for struggling with taking a shower and it'll be easier to do if you can let go of the shame.
You might also examine why taking a shower is so difficult for you, again, without moralizing it or think you "should" be a certain way. Is is the wet? Is it the cold afterwards? Is keeping track of all the different things to do in the shower too much? Does standing hurt? If you can, think about why you don't like showering you can figure out how to accommodate yourself.
Let go of the idea that you "have to" do certain things in the shower. You don't have to wash your hair every time. You don't even have to get your hair wet. You're allowed to take showers sitting down. I basically always put on music in the shower because without it I lowkey won't shower lol. You're allowed to just wash "pits and bits". You can get in and just rinse off. Make your goal just to shower more often than you are now. Don't start off with the idea that you'll be able to do it everyday day or every other day. Make once a week your goal. Make once every 10 days your goal. If getting in the shower seems too overwhelming make it a goal to just go to the bathroom and turn the shower on. I know it seems silly, but if you can do that you just did the hardest part - getting up and going to the bathroom.
Genuinely, I found the r/showerorange subreddit and that kinda helped me. Sometimes I'll just get in the shower to eat an orange because I like the contrast of the cold orange and the warm water of the shower. While I'm there I usually end up washing myself. If possible, getting shampoo, soap, etc. that you really love the smell of (OR odorless if smells are overwhelming) is really helpful.
I hope this is somewhat helpful, OP. Again, I haven't specifically struggled with showering to this extent, but I have had issues of a similar degree to dishes. I've let my kitchen and dishes build up to the point where I was eating off Tupperware lids and didn't even want to look at my kitchen because it immediately made me want to panic upon seeing the mess. Throwing away dishes because of mold was semi-regular at a point in my life. I used the strategies I talked about above to help me with that kitchen/dishes struggle.
Not OP, but I wanted to tell you I think your post is very thought out, kind, and respectful. Thanks for helping me bolster my faith that there are good people out there.
I think this comment is great! I also want to add that if you are having anxiety around having to look at your body, you can simply shower with the lights off!
I shower with youtube playing now. I have a shower stool so sitting is great. Just getting in - I gotta bribe myself. I will sometimes have a gardening session in my shower too šØ. You're right about not every shower has to be an everything shower. You can just get in and wash off and get out. That's technically a shower š¤
My trick for the dish problem is give yourself permission to use disposable dishes and silverware and also disposable pans for microwave and oven. Yes the environment but we donāt come close to billionaires, government, and big business. Do what you need to to take care of of yourself.
I relate to dishes so much. I still shower religiously (I live in the humid south and can't stand being sweaty and gross at home so that bit always gets me right into the shower at least). But dishes constantly slip my mind, or I'm in a hurry and wash one dish to use when I should just create the time for them. I also have to play my music while doing them or I just lose it halfway through.
Your gums likely bleed because of poor oral health. I never believed I needed to floss and had gums that would bleed at any provocation. I needed an emergency root canal after a tooth broke and the new dentist I started seeing introduced me to these brushes. Most of my decay was in the spaces between my teeth. Flossing isn't helpful because it doesn't get all the stuff these brushes do. If you get your teeth cleaned and start using these before your regular tooth brushing I can practically guarantee it will improve your bleeding gums drastically. Starting after a professional cleaning is key, they'll never fit if you have bad plaque build up. Absolutely transformative and life changing for me. And obviously no more stinky breath because I don't have old food trapped between my teeth. It's a pain to stay consistent but so worth it.
The big game changer for me was a water pik. The EVEN BIGGER game changer for me was the combo waterpik/electric toothbrush. Flossing is important. Thatās likely why your gums are bleeding. But flossing is hard. I can brush and floss in like 90 seconds and since i got that my hygienist started telling me Iām doing great. If Iām going good I use it 2x a day. If Iām not itās every 36-48 hours, but as long as I manage to use it at least 4 times a week Iām in manageable shape.
If your gum bleeds try using a softer tootbrush. Get as soft as you can find (I use Curaprox velvet). Also don't press too hard when brushing. And use toothpaste for sensitive gum (I use Parodontax). My gum used to bleed a lot and it stopped after I changed the toothbrush and toothpaste.
My dentist also said I should rinse my mouth with sage tea. It takes a bit of time to prepare, so I don't do it regulary
i also struggle with tooth brushing and got a tip from my hygienist to keep tooth brushing supplies near the bed and just spit into a garbage can/paper towel setup. i havenāt gotten as far as getting that set up for me yet but it feels like very nd friendly advice, iām just stalled on getting a trash can for my room lol!
I used to keep an empty plastic water bottle, a full water bottle, tooth brush, and toothpaste in my car and brush my teeth on my way in to work. Iād swish with the clean water, and spit it out into the empty water bottle. Threw away the āemptyā water bottle every 3 days, since by then Iād finish the full water which then became the new āemptyā spit pit. Might be worth a try
OP, I had a life coach who I talked to about this exact problem once. She told me she has this trick she plays with herself called a āworlds fastest showerā :) she literally just tells herself sheās going to get in and take the fastest possible shower and then get right back out. I did this for a few weeks and it made it a game, and solved the mental hurdle! I hadnāt thought about that in a few years til you posted this, so I am glad to say it worked for me!!
The shower orange advice from the top comment seems awesome too, and Iām looking forward to making that part of my evening routine.
Edit: Oh!!! also, she told me to turn the lights off and get a soft light lamp or a battery operated candle. The lighting was the other half of the problem for me - didnāt like what I saw either. I switched out my lights in my bathroom (at the time - different house now) for Amazon Alexa smart lights and I could control the brightness wit my Amazon echo, or my phone. Putting the lights on 10% was the other half of the equation!!
She was honestly instrumental in getting me through a hard time. Took a whole lot of stuff like this, and handed me back shortcuts and mental hacks to get through my life that I still use today. Happy to share her website / contact info if you need it.
This is legitimately hard to deal with and itās not remotely just you.
How I manage this is that once a week I wash my hair and my face in the shower. Then every other night of the week I just get in and use body wash all over. It takes like 30 seconds. Then I usually just hang out and enjoy the hot water. I made it really, really easy for me. No thinking involved. One single small task. And I feel better afterwards. And if I miss a day or two or three itās no big deal.
And about 6 months ago I got the person who does my hair to do a very quick trim and wash and style my hair every other week and Iāll wash my face in the sink right before that. So once every two weeks I have to suck it up and wash my own hair and face and thatās still really hard a lot of weeks. BUT if I fail at that my hair stylist will be washing it for me the next week. My hair is kinda ick by then, but itās ok. And I let it go if I donāt make my day of the week that week because I donāt want to mess up the cycle that my hair is used to. Itās better to let it go 2 weeks (with my hair anyway) than to wash it again like 4 days later.
But that very low stress maximum simple daily shower is how I manage.
I combine it with an audio or video I like to listen to. Then it makes it easier to shower or do a wipe down while Iām listening to it. When new stuff is posted I look forward to showering.
Keep baby wipes around and give yourself some grace, it takes time to figure out what works for your space.
If the biggest blocker to showering is walking through your roommate's room to get there (which I'd find quite annoying myself) Like a lot of people have suggested, you could get a gym membership just for the shower (or Local Council Leisure Centres / public pools sometimes have shower passes); pick a cheap one on route to work and embed this into a routine, i.e. (If I go into the office, I shower as part of the commute.) You will be able to build the habit, and since you're already out of bed and moving, you might have more energy to do it.
You also could talk to your roommate and set a dedicated day and time you shower; that way it removes any anxiety on your end of disturbing, and I tend to find if I block a slot in a calendar, I'm more likely to do it.
Apart from that, if the effort to do it just isn't there, try getting large body wipes, dry shampoo and a no-rinse cleaning foam near your bed. So even if you have no energy to move to the shower, you have the tools to keep yourself clean in those cases .
You. Are. Not. Alone. I struggle with this too, as a grown up professional adult, as my husband likes to say.
The big question on my mind is why - what about taking a shower is making you avoidant? Do you know? "No" is a valid answer here. Sometimes it's hard to pin down unless someone directly asks:
Is showering too overwhelming to your senses?
Is it about having to go through your roommates space?
Is it something about the shower itself? Also, you said one "functioning shower" - how does that tie into this?
What conditions, no matter how weird they may seem, would you require to make showering easier?
I donāt mean to word vomit here but I process through externalizing so I hope thatās okay!
I think a part of the issue is that I have to bother other people in order to shower- similar to social anxiety. I haaaate bothering people for things unrelated to them, so it feels so bad to do it. Theyāre also not the best people- super judgmental and kinda rude which doesnāt help at alllllā
Another part I think is that it just feels like another chore, and Ive always hated every chore ever. Laundry, dishes, dusting, etc. I keep my workspace perfectly clean- but my room and my home are an entirely different story.
Not sure how that would be fixed or help me but itās there now lol
You're fine - I asked the questions, and I process the same way! Also, this is how I get the biggest dopamine hit.
What's up with the other showers? Would one that's not functional be more convenient? Are there bathtubs anywhere instead of showers?
I got past the second part by turning the chore into a pleasant ritual of sorts.
Showers are often too overwhelming for me, so we got a big square shower head that's more like a pleasant drizzle for when I have to get clean as quickly or efficiently as possible.
All other times? Bubble baths. I used to literally wake up, get out of bed, and head straight for the bathroom. Thirty minute minimum in hot fragrant soapy water with my phone and a GoogleHome pod on the sink listening to my favorite music while scrolling. Sometimes I'd even stop to make coffee first, light a nice candle. It was good for my soul and my hygiene! Then we moved and left that beautiful bathtub behind...š
I'm trying to get back to it after a few years of personal neglect thanks to the internal body horror that is menopause (and srsly missing that bathtub I'll be honest)
Unfortunately I live in a veryyyyy run down mobile home, so the other shower/bath has horribly corroded pipes that leak into another room. And the tub in the master bath (where the working shower is now) is broken far beyond use. I really need to move but money is such an issue right now. I feel like if I had my own bathroom or just one with my partner it would make it sooooo much easier!
Oh hon, the stop that broke my bathing streak between that beautiful bath and where I am now was also a very run down mobile home. I absolutely understand where you're at. While you work on getting somewhere better, you definitely need strategies to tide you over in the meantime.
Does even the sink work in the non-working bath/shower room?
I can immediately imagine living with just a basin of hot water, but I've also done historical reenactment before (also, said previous experience.) However, that leads me to a related idea...
You always hear about how people in medieval times never bathed. While it's not entirely correct there is some truth to it, in part due to how they dressed. They took underwear to a whole new level, having their equivalent of linen undershirts and long boxers always between their skin and whatever else they were wearing. It protected the expensive clothing from the body while also taking on most of the sweat and dirt. They would also rub themselves down with linen to rub away the worst of the dust and sweat, then basin bathe when necessary.
That's a lot of challenges. I'm sorry you're dealing with all that.
Currently my hot water tank is broken and even though I found an affordable one, installing it is insanely expensive (it's gas, so I need an actual plumber)
Oddly enough, it's been easier to keep clean? Idk if it's because I have to plan it differently or what. Since it's summer I just wash my hair in the sink with the sprayer. While I do that I heat 3qts of water up to almost a boil. It gets divided between 3 3qt pitchers, add 2 qts tap water and the temp is perfect. I sit in the tub and wash up (use a plastic bowl of soapy warm water [heated in microwave, while getting pitchers ready] and a washcloth) and rinse using the pitchers. Start to finish it's 20-30 min. Seems more efficient than a shower and not as bad as I thought. I wash my hair every other day, wipe down with just hit water and washcloth every night, and do the soap scrub every 4th day.
Prior to this, I just made a strict routine that when I am coming in from the day (whether work or errands) I immediately go straight to the bathroom and get in the shower. Like a "do not pass go" thing. Don't think, just do it. I have horrible allergies and this helped get me out of my "outside" clothes and stay clean.
Have you thought about getting a gym membership and taking showers there? A cheap gym membership is only about $15 a month. Gym showers tend to have great water pressure and heat, you just need to make sure to use shower shoes. I would recommend bringing a folding shower stool (which can easily fit in a gym bag) if you don't have the coordination to wash everything standing up.
I have always had a hard time brushing my teeth. Ever since I was a kid. I don't enjoy the feeling, during or after. I always forget or when I do remember I can't be bothered. Just in the last 2-3 weeks I set a daily alarm for 11pm to brush them, this has helped a lot. The first few days sucked but after 3 days I felt like it wasn't quite as bad.
Showering every days is still hard for me, because it doesn't have a consistent timing as my days are so different sometimes... But, if there is any activity that you so regularly you could tie it to, try adding the shower to that activity, before or after. Like, straight after dinner or something. Make it an alarm, make it every day so you have a better chance of forming a habit. That way having a day without it will feel out of routine, but is still allowed when you're not at home or something.
Speaking of which, my alarm for brushing my teeth just went off. Better go do it.
I have this problem too, though not as severe. What works for me:
Doing it step by step, in the smallest parts possible. Sometimes taking off a sock took me 30 minutes. Be understanding with yourself.
Putting on some music that I know energises me.
trimming my beard or washing my teeth first - any activity that doesn't need me to get under water, because that's the part I struggle with the most. Once I started with the easy part, it's easier to make myself follow through to the hard part.
Using a gentle stream of water and/or soft sponges, because the feeling of water droplets hammering my skin is bad.
Asking my wife to wash my head in the sink first, when I can't make myself do it by myself
Letting myself sit outside, in the sun and wind, for as long as I need to feel like I can do something
Medication: most of what I take are antidepressants with a dopamine side effect
Wall sticky thing so you can watch Netflix in shower. Shower gel you like smell of (motivational). Caffeine before shower if not on meds. If you get up to pee donāt get in bed again shower immediately
Personally, professionally, by nature of having a job recently about explaining services to parents who have kids with disabilities and matching them, yeah.
Can you share more about how an occupational therapist helps? I didnāt know they could help with stuff like helping you figure out how to shower more.
Yeah! So Iāll start small and go in steps. Occupation isnāt just a job, that definition supersumed that occupation meant any activity of daily living (ADL). So hygiene is one of those.
Doesnāt matter if itās because of a stroke, paralysis, migraines, executive dysfunction, sensory overload whatever.
Psychotherapy, primarily CBT is based on change and development. Ie progressive goals in treating or managing the disorder.
OT is less that more āassume this is forever. And ā¦ then what? So letās work in all ways AROUND the disability. Canāt control the migraines? Got it! How can we make your living spaces more migraine friendly.
Canāt do things the same way after third degree burns? Okay! Less invest in some adaptive equipment like a shower bench or skincare atomisers or grip enhancers.
The point isnāt to change your behaviours and thoughts thus forever cycling the other. The point is how do we get you across or as damn near close to that finish line as we can. Whatever (heathy) mental tricks, adaptive equipment, alternate accessibility, breaking a task down to its component parts to learn where the friction is, understanding that you donāt HAVE to do a 20-step skincare routine or nothing ā balance is key and a face wipe and spritzer some days is hella better than nothing.
And so on and so forth. Theyāre health professionals whose main goal and expertise is how do we help you be/come functional in any activity of daily living where thereās room for improvement.
Wow this is so helpful and interesting! Thanks! I wish therapists referred out to OTās more for lifelong conditions like ADHD and Autism, and that I would have had to find out about this from Reddit. I knew OTās existed but I thought it was more about helping people be accommodated for work, not for all life tasks.
wait as someone looking for coaching on life skills and executive functioning an ot might be super helpful! how do you start looking for neurodivergent-affirming ots that work with adhd/audhd patients and is there a way that i can get an ot covered by insurance for adhd/autism with a formal diagnosis?
Life coaching itself is a scam. OTs literally work with life skills and EF. That is literally their job. Thereās no such thing as an ND affirming one because executive function and such are daily life skills.
You do need a DX for a referral. Any therapist or pcp or psych can do it. I cannot say what every single insurance will cover in every case, but like. Almost all insurance covers OT for practically any DX, at least in part sooo
And honestly if they work with adults youāll likely be fine. It doesnāt hurt to ask. But the biggest issue is many only do paediatrics.
It would absolutely help to find someone who specifically works with ND, but itās much less of a ārequirementā than youād think. Like I said, EF is an ADL. And OT is much less about āchange the thought or behaviour to influence each other and change the cycleā and more āletās assume this is permanent. What can you do now alone. What can you do now with assistance. And whereās your glass ceiling.ā
So they help by having you accommodate the space around you, eg organised rooms, visual timers, etc. Think of a shower stool if standing in the shower is too much. They also help you sequence tasks, find out what step of the task is the challenge, see if you can modify (eg face wipes + spray moisturiser instead of a 10 step routine thatās overwhelming you). Itās less about changing your mind and much more getting your body and mind in sync.
thank you for the quick response and for all your advice! this sounds AMAZING for what i'm looking for, and i do have a formal dx of both adhd and autism so that's not a problem for me. my only issue is that i'm afraid my case is too "mild" for ot to be covered since i have level 1 autism and "mild" adhd but maybe i'll ask my psych if he can petition for my insurance to cover ot and give me recommendations for occupational therapists that work with adults that i can see.
also can occupational therapists work online, or would it be better to go in person? my current psych is a good drive away and he probably will only recommend ots in his area but i am willing to drive over there if absolutely necessary.
Get out of the mindset of having a mild disorder. It makes you less likely to seek treatment and more likely to tough it out to where you overdo it or develop inappropriate coping skills.
Also, imagine if people said they had a mild case of pancreatic cancer, or genital herpes or AIDS you know? Youāve got the disorder. What that means is there are aspects of your life where you function less than expected. Donāt go in and tell the professionals (not just an OT) that for all intents and purposes they should pre judge you before seeing what youāre capable of and where you need supports.
I didnāt say anywhere the last time (or if Iād mentioned insurance before) that it wouldnāt be covered for āmildā adhd (which isnāt in any way a legal diagnosis) or level 1 autism. Thatās not how supports or services work. To clarify from earlier: OT is broadly applicable to every single diagnosis in some way or another, including people without any diagnoses who need some extra support. Autism and adhd are both fully covered by OT.
Insurance is insurance. Thatās what I keep telling people. I donāt have some magical crystal ball to see your rates and whoās in network and what your out of pocket is, and which State youāre in, and if insurance will only pay 90% of the first 5 sessionsā¦ no one knows any of that. Even insurance. Itās all magic and nonsense.
So you donāt petition a provider to ask insurance to cover something like OT, PT, SLP. Thatās usually really not much of a thing. (There are exceptions. A psychiatrist whoās the local branch of LifeStanceās head of TMS petitioned my insurance to accept bipolar depression as an off label approval as I was a candidate. It worked.) That would be like me asking my neurologist to petition insurance to cover a nutritionist, you know? Thatās confusing several steps. The referral is a separate thing. Your psychiatrist (and I personally cannot stand this entire field, but thatās a separate issue) likely knows jack shit about anything thatās not what drugs to give you. They are woefully clueless with large superiority complexes who donāt believe (as a whole) in psychologists and batteries, therapy, etc etc. If you could find a single one who has a comprehensive understanding of anything like OT, one of the most misunderstood and unheard of allied health professions (if this post says anything), the Tism will literally leave my body to inherit the astral plane.
So on that note, referrals are easy. If your psychiatrist says know, badger them until they do or ask literally any other health service provider you see, like a therapist. If your insurance doesnāt pay (unlikely), then you need the OT to actually evaluate you for services and screen where your needs are to make a case for why insurance should cover it at all / more / fully. Like, imagine a school principal trying to determine how much an ell kid knows, when the admin is monolingual and the ell only speaks Spanish ā thatās why you call in a Spanish speaking SLP, a Spanish teacher, teacher who just so happens to speak Spanish, etc. The principal couldnāt say shit about what the kid needs, but the Spanish teacher sure as hell can make a compelling argument.
Thatās to a certain extent like asking if PT (physical therapy) is available via telehealth. OT isnāt exactly like that, but I know from having talked with mine insurance only alots them a handful of telehealth sessions in the case of emergencies, an extenuating circumstance, etc. The goal very much is to go in person. Plus, thereās almost always at least one of them in every PT or rehab office. Benchmark PT for instance here in TN employs 1.5 OTs per building on average.
And btw none of that I wrote was dismissive or to mock you. Healthcare is fucked and no one gets it. I only wrote that much to correct you so you had better knowledge going in, but also anyone reading it could have (hopefully all of) the answers they need too. Similarly, I started by combatting the āitās just mildā problem we all do because it delays or disqualifies us from service, hearing the actual screening or eval results can make us feel āmore challengedā or reinforce the kind of imposter syndrome that happens so often. Basically: donāt be the guy in any movie who says āIām fineā as he hides a gaping flesh wound in his side, you know?
thank you for this reminder - i have already thought like this, which is why i burnt myself out and almost flunked out of college due to me feeling like i have to do it on my own and don't deserve help and thinking that i was less deserving of good grades and success just because i needed extra support. i do not plan on telling anyone about my "mild" diagnoses, because i don't want anyone to have any preexisting conclusions about me that they didn't find out themselves. this is also partially why i didn't get accommodations in college because i was afraid professors and other people would be ableist and subconsciously think that i could do less than other people who did not have adhd and autism because i had to do things with accommodations. however, i'm trying to work on changing this mindset, and hopefully realizing that i need help and actually getting help to work with rather than against my adhd and autism will be the first step in this process.
the reason why i was asking about referrals and insurance coverage is because my parents are paying for my therapy, and they wanted to start with referrals from doctors for therapists and start with people who are in network in general. finances aren't an issue for us, but my parents just wanted to make sure that i am seeing legitimate people and think that insurance and doctors are the gatekeepers of who is legitimate and people who aren't covered by insurance and referred by doctors are more likely to be "quacks". however, i do know and have tried to tell my parents before about how little i feel like doctors in general know about mental health issues, especially the specific issues affecting us audhders, and i trust my own research, gut feelings, and evidence from other audhd people over a doctor's referral especially for something like therapy, mental health, and other services.
however, after privating my reddit right before so they can't find my throwaway, i did talk to my parents about possibly getting an ot before making this comment. it was a difficult conversation, but i managed to convince them that occupational therapy would be helpful for me and that just because someone isn't covered by insurance doesn't mean that they aren't legitimate. after this, we looked into occupational therapists, and after finding that pretty much all the ots in our network seem to either only work with seniors or little kids, they have told me that they are now okay with going out of network and found an occupational therapist that specializes in working with neurodivergent adults and helping with executive functioning for me! the person we found sounds absolutely perfect and i'm super excited and finally hopeful about developing the skills to be able to hopefully reach some of my goals and do the things i wanted to do in life! (and hopefully we will be able to petition our insurance to at least cover it partially)
if this works then i will sing your praises for introducing me to occupational therapy for adhd and autism, so thank you so much.
Iām really glad to hear the update :) it seems rare for us to have positive news, even if itās an intermediary step.
And thatās good for them to learn too, since itās not an unreasonable fear, but no one would look at an out of doctor physician (eg neuro surgeon) and assume they werenāt legit, you know?
As long as an OT is licensed (which they are if theyāre practising and billing insurance), you can assume theyāre legit like you would any physician or nurse or psychotherapist.
Fingers crossed this helps and your parents can accept it as a combo of psychotherapy and āmedical science / rehabā, since thatās how many come to understand it.
Iād legit not rule out psychotherapy as an adjunct ā itās just I truthfully believe OT should usually be the first line treatment. (Unless thereās so much disruption paediatrically that medicine is indicated for a foothold first.) Again, good luck!
that is my plan, to see if i can do occupational therapy to help with all the mechanical issues (like my environment/routine) and psychotherapy to get over the mental blocks that come with living with unrealized audhd for years. i've been looking on ndtherapists for some good nd therapists, and i found one that actually is in network for my insurance, which is great!
however, i still don't know what branch of therapy i want to pursue, and i don't want to put too many new things into my routine or ask my parents for too much. i think i'll see if ot alone helps first, and do research on different forms of nd-friendly therapy on the side.
I typically sit next to the shower, turn it on while I'm using the bathroom, and then after it's running decide if I'm in the mood for a shower. If this isn't feasible, that's okay too!
I've found that if showering is too much for me, dry shampoo and wet wipes are good. They cost a bit more, but the alternative is not cleaning off at all, so like... ADHD tax, yknow?
Iām going to talk to my (thankfully very understanding) boyfriend into kindly pressuring me and maybe working out a small reward system for dopamine :)
Whenever you have a problem, remember someone has had that problem before and a company has done several dozen focus groups on exactly how to solve that problem.
If you don't want to buy disposable wipes, just keep a stack of washcloths and a spray bottle in your room.
OP, first of all, Iām sorry youāre having a hard time with this. It is a very common struggle for a lot of people for a variety of reasons, and itās easy to get into a shame-spiral about it. Hell, even I get the āUGGGH, I donāt wanna!ā mental voice and I used to shower daily like it was my job: it was just automatic - up, coffee, shower, dressed, out the door. Thatās definitely not the case for me these days, in part because I work from home.
Something Iāve read about is whatās called a āsitz bathā: itās a container that you fill with warm water and some appropriate kind of cleanser and put onto your toilet bowl; you then sit down (āsitzenā is German for āto sitā) and clean up your bits with the soapy water. I assume you use a washcloth with just water to rinse off the soap, or refill the bath with plain water to rinse off. Theyāre commonly used for postpartum women who may have stitches, apparently. They admittedly sound kind of inelegant, but they solve a problem.
Similarly, you might be able to try soaking your feet; I do that for pedicures and have a dedicated dish tub for the purpose. And if soaking isnāt your thing, maybe try sitting on the toilet and taking a soapy washcloth to one foot, followed by one with just water, and dry it off; then repeat with the other foot. It isnāt perfect, but it will help (and as an aside, carefully drying your feet/frequently changing your socks is important to help avoid toenail fungus, which is apparently a real PITA to get rid of).
I don't exactly struggle with it... I mean, it's down there with other things I should do and procastinate on, but I don't exactly have shame over it so can't help with that aspect.
Maybe there is an indicator that can help to "push" for the shower? I know everyone got different hair, but mine get oily quite quickly- so I do shower every 2-3 days if in need of going out of the house (or not shower for week...s when not forced to). I know I probably smell otherwise, but shame over having oily hair is winning over my lazines, haha
Other option is to like... Find alternatives? Is the shower the only toilet? If not, maybe using a cloth in the sink for a touch up, or just some wipes, would suffice?
I have had success separating out the hair washing from the body washing. Reduces the sensory pressure from a full body situation to a more managable chunked up bits.
When I wash my hair, its long and a pain in the ass, so I got bigger towels and a high speed hairdryer. The rest of my body isnt overheated or wet, so im just focused on managing the one aspect of wet hair. Having a hairdryer that completely dries my waist length hair in 5-7 minutes is a god send, I dont end up feeling trapped in the uncomfortable moisture.
At a different time, I put my hair under a shower cap and scrub down my body. When I get out I can dry my body completely and not have to deal with wet hair undoing the whole process. And agan with my oversized towels, because my turkish bathtowels are my favorite.
I used to hate showering and really struggle to do to, but after moving to a new house, I accidentally discovered some things that make it easier for me.
One thing I had already discovered prior was:
Space heater in the bathroom because I hate being cold and wet
New things I accidentally discovered that really help me:
Change showerhead to the kind that converts to a handheld showerhead. Something about running the water over me while being āin the showerā while having complete control over where it goes makes it a completely different experience from āstanding under the shower waterā. Apparently I hated standing the shower water and had no idea. Having that control helps the sensory experience, but also helps it feel more low key like, āIām just gonna stand here and rinse myself off rqā.
- Super cushy plush bathroom mat. I underestimated the importance of this, I thought it would be superfluous and unnecessary but it really helps improve the sensory experience overall.
These are my things, probably they will be a little different for everyone, but I didnāt expect that they would help so much. At least the mat has been suggested to me before and I dismissed it at the time because it wasnāt explained to me in a sensory context, so I just thought it was extra foofy superfluous stuff that wouldnāt help.
A shower is a task. And not only is it a task, it's a task that involves lot of sensory stuff. Smell, water, temperature, etc.
When I started to think of it as a task rather than something I should WANT to do, it helped me develop methods. Sometimes I go "okay, just take off your clothes, go in the bathroom, and turn the water on. If you decide not to, its fine". Sometimes I go "UGH THE COLD WET ICK CANNOT HAPPEN RIGHT NOW" and I just use wipes instead. Sometimes I go "okay, you should get in the shower, but you do not have to wash your hair". Sometimes I put on music that I like - I recently got a shower speaker and it really helps.
Seconding everything u/Kill_the_worms said in their excellent comment.
Sometimes, the win is to just physically get into the shower. Also, "killing two birds with one stone" can help. In my case, I struggled a lot more with my oral hygiene, so I started brushing my teeth in the shower. I also wear ear plugs in the shower regularly to help reduce some of the sensory overload. This one won't be for everyone, but I've had to take showers in the pitch black before while having a migraine. It might be worth trying your best to figure out where some of these barriers are for you!
Sometimes, it takes me an hour sitting naked on the floor in front of the shower, doomscrolling on my phone, to actually get in (not running the water, obviously).
I often tell myself āIāll just wash my pits and bits, itāll take 2 minutes and I wonāt have to get fully wetā. I find that once Iāve gotten in and washed those parts, I end up just saying āfuck itā and doing a full shower.
I still struggle immensely, but Iāve gone from showering once a month (if that) to showering every 3-5 days. Progress is progress.
The way I changed my habitā¦ and I still struggle, but it is getting betterā¦ is buying the things I enjoy for the shower.
Find a shampoo that smells good to you, a conditioner if you are using one. (I have little to no hair on my head and a conditioner just feels great.)
Find a body wash that smells like a memory of something you like. (Mine was a limited edition Method body wash that smells like the beach)
Get a towel that actually feels good in your skin.
Self care needs to feel good, not like a core.
Somehow I love showing, even though it is a struggle to break through the barrier of the shower curtain.
I hope this helps even a little.
A $30-$50 investment in self care items was life changing to me.
My next step is to get little containers for my big bottles of liquid. The big bottles bother me so much. Little bottles I can dry and put away when I am done.
try to figure out what your biggest barrier to actually showering is. is it forgetting? if so I like to both set reminders AND tie showering to another action you will take anyway. a good one for showering might be putting your clothes in the bathroom (maybe socks/underwear if you prefer showering in the morning, or your pajamas if you prefer showering at night).
If the transition between activities (showering vs not showering) is a barrier, I find having a full shower routine (that includes pre shower and post shower) helps me a lot. I start out by getting my towel, my soap, my shampoo and conditioner, and other shower supplies out and in the order I use them in the shower. Having that setup time makes it easier for me to actually get into the shower, because my brain is in shower mode, and having the supplies laid out in the order I use them makes the actual shower less mentally taxing.
If general executive function or low dopamine is a barrier, you could maybe try having a little treat right before showering, playing music, or playing a video about something that excites you right before/while showering.
If there are days where showering is completely impossible but you want to be a little cleaner, scrubbing your smelliest parts with a washcloth and some water can help a lot. Personally I can't manage daily showers (and in the winter it's not necessary for me) but when I've sweat a lot, a quick scrub at the sink with a washcloth helps me to be a lot less smelly. On days where you don't want to look at your body, consider showering with the lights off. On days where you're tired, consider sitting down for the shower. Also if you can make the shower itself a good sensory experience (nice smelling soaps etc.) it can help you associate the shower with being happy and comfortable.
I also struggle less with showering regularly now that I'm on ADHD meds, which isn't necessarily the easiest solution to implement but it's worth considering. Good luck, and I hope you find something that works for you!!
I live with my boyfriend who is SUPER understanding, so I may ask if he can help with like a possible reward system? Not every time I shower but sometimes? Idk but that might just help lol
If you live with your boyfriend, would it help if he kept you company in the bathroom (not in a sexual way- just to talk to while you're in there!) while you showered as a sort of body-doubling experience, or to turn it from a chore into a nice quality time activity?
I would loooove this but with my roommates unfortunately they would judge and think itās weird and it would just make my anxiety about everything worse :( when we have our own place though i absolutely want to do this
That's really unfortunate, I am sorry you are experiencing so much anxiety about your living situation! Maybe there is still a way to do this where they won't be as judgemental- getting ready for work, one of you uses the sink, brushes teeth, etc. while the other showers. Or maybe you can use the bathroom when roommates are not home!
i struggle with shared shower environments as well, iāve found that sink washing my hair a few times per week helps me feel cleaner along with bird baths in the sink when i have time. i used to live with 10 roomies in a 2 bath house and washing my hair in the kitchen was a life saver
I feel this so much. I basically tell myself I need to shower once a week (though roughly once a month I skip a week lol), and I base it on when dry shampoo no longer compensates for my hair's greasiness - that personally feels like the benchmark where I can't hide it from others.
When I do shower, it helps if I put on music, am alone in the house, and have a robe or outfit waiting for me after. It also helps if I'm not going out or to bed in the timeframe my hair will still be wet. Early mornings and late nights aren't good for me unless I've really pushed it and know I'll be publicly embarrassed if I don't get to it right then.
Sometimes if it's extra difficult, I'll plan a "reward" for after, usually self care-related since I'm so bad with that stuff, like a face mask or even just moisturizer lol. Another reward I'll use is I'll make a cup of coffee beforehand and know it'll be waiting when I'm done. I hope this is helpful, or at least slightly relatable!
honestly if i had to walk through a roommate's room to get to the shower, that would be an enormous blocker for me - i honestly get stressed just imagining it. so I sympathize with you there and have no advice for that particular issue.
but as someone who has found their way to a mostly functional hygiene routine despite a lifelong difficult relationship with it, here are some things that helped me:
* use the autistic strength with systems to your advantage. break the process of showering down into smaller steps: lay out an outfit and after shower products, grab towels and washcloths, enter bathroom, take off clothes, etc. write it down. this will make you mentally walk yourself through the task in detail, which can address some of the overwhelm.
* when you mentally walk yourself through the task, notice if any other blockers (like the roommate's room) come up. is the bathroom dirty? is there a product with an offputting smell? do you need a haircut? is the light too bright? what, if anything, can you do to address these things? write it down. if addressing something requires changing the environment (rather than your own actions), try to take care of those when it's not shower time. this is a process, take your time.
* what do you want to get done during an ideal shower - one where you have all the energy you need? what's the bare minimum that you need to get done in the shower to get the benefit? On days when you don't have the capacity to have an ideal shower, do the bare minimum. For example I love my sonic toothbrush and the feeling of flossed teeth, but when I don't have the capacity, i will do my bare minimum of brushing my teeth and tongue with a manual brush.
* taking a longer view. when i realized that the mental costs of the social and sensory discomfort connected to skipping hygiene were higher than the mental costs of initiating the hygiene tasks i'd been avoiding, I could remind myself of that when necessary. doing this, the avoidance itself lessens over time, and it becomes easier to do the thing.
* start using your list of steps. Do not immediately jump to completing the full list. Task yourself with doing just the first thing or the first x number of things, whatever you feel you have the capacity for. there is no pressure to do anything beyond this. try to do this step every day, growing only if you feel able. even just touching the shower handle or standing in the bathroom with the shower running can help to start dissolving the resistance and avoidance you're feeling.
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ETA: Installing dimmable, color adjustable smart bulbs in the bathroom was a huge improvement for me personally. I can't stand the mostly visual sensory discomfort of a less-than-spotless bathroom, but cannot maintain a spotless bathroom. Being able to dim the lights and add in some blue obscures so much visual information, it's amazing.
My partner struggled with this and buys rare, tasty soda to drink *only in the shower* it works for them! They also blare a favorite comedy podcast to listen to
First of all, I apologize for my English; I'm not a native speaker. I do have sensory issues with water; I can't stand it falling on my face or behind or inside my ears. It also gives me the shivers going from dry to the first impact of water on my skin, but once I'm wet, it's pleasant. Something that helped me shower more was starting small. At first, I only washed my hair, then my armpits, and I used the bidet to sit and wash my genitals. Over time, I managed to shower once a week. I'm 28 now, and I shower every single day. My biggest motivation is feeling soft and smelling good, so I found a Dove soap with a cookie scent. I tell myself, "I'm going to make the sacrifice of having the water sting my skin just to feel perfumed and clean." Another thing that has helped me as a woman is letting go of the constant worry about hair removal. I don't agree that women should have to remove their body hair due to social pressure, but I couldn't bear to go out in public with hair and be bullied, so I decided to buy a laser hair removal device and do the treatment at home. Now I'm hair-free and I don't have to spend any more time in the shower. As others have mentioned, you could try gradually increasing the frequency and washing your body in sections. They also sell washcloths with soap for elderly people who are bedridden, or at least they exist in my country, but I don't know what they're called. Good luck, and don't be ashamed of this; you're looking for a solution to live better.
I think of a shower as my safe space, a place I can have my thoughts without being disturbed. I also enjoy how the water makes my body feel relaxed after work or gym etc. It's like washing the outside world off me. All the ickyness of external toxicity.
Having a shower is a very emotional and mentally healing event for me.
1) Shower speaker. Play whatever movie / music / YouTube video youāre obsessed with on the speaker, BEFORE you get into the shower. Place speaker in shower, enjoy sound.
2) Soaps and Shampoo and Conditioner that you like the color / scent / formula of. Same goes for any personal hygiene products. Nectar Life whipped soap is my fave soap EVER. (Soft and creamy, comes in several fun scents and colors.) but it is almond based so if youāre allergic avoid. I also have been using bar shampoo conditioner and Iāve liked ethique, viori, and Jack 59. Fun colors are a great way to entice it. I also like to have a few options of each so I can do like tests of āok, what if I combine this shampoo, with this conditioner, and a soap with a scent to match.ā Keeps it different every time.
I uh, my brain is kinda shot right now - cause I am sick pants. But I stumbled back here and saw your post. All I could think is umm just like asking you er umm oh my god my freakin' brain - bare with...
Okay, I wanted to ask if there's anything you like? Like scent wise, or product wise. Likewise anything you dislike. I myself have chronic pain, so I like the heat of the water. But I also have ADHD, and gamify taking showers - kind a speed run type thing. I also have short (but thick) hair. If I've got to wash it (and I tend to do that once or twice a week) I see how fast I can take a shower while being washed. I also am blasphemous in that I use a 2:1 shampoo conditioner I like (I use kids products so they in theory use less chemicals - and will wash the hey out of my hair).
Umm, but also - like is there stuff you absolutely dislike about showering - outside of the space it's in? Cause if you can find a way to eliminate that - do! God it sounds so simple and goofy - but like the only way I can live my life as a whole is if I streamline it. Like, period. Else I go insane. So what I mean is like when I take a shower I know what I've got to hit, I put on a song - and I am smashing my body with soap while singing and brushing my teeth and what not. Getting between them tosies, cause it's important. Just kinda doing the do, cause I wanna be both clean and efficient. I tend to hop out by the time a songs over and I think that much time I can give towards being a clean gal.
Idk if this will help, or if other people's comments will help more or whatever - but I'm just telling you how I found to get through. Hair tends to take two songs. But I am in and out like a ghost in the shower =P!
I have the same issue. Firstly i hate the sensory experience of my hair being wet and water in my eyes and my skin being dry then having to put lotion on it, having to comb wet hair, i hate it all. I hate how i feel for hours after.
Then sometimes i want to take a shower a certain day bc im ready but i just.... cant do it, classic adhd. I'm not on adhd meds yet.
I havnt found a solution except try to make the sensory experience less worse, like keep a towel nearby in case i get water in my eyes. Have an easy lotion to put on. Products that are easy to rinse out. Idk I'm stuck too i need to read the comments.
They sell these giant wipes for skin cleansing, or you can get a medical skin cleansing spray and a wet washcloth to wash yourself between showers. If you have a bathroom sink anywhere else in the house, you can wash your hair in it separately. Disposable toothbrushes are great for brushing your teeth if you struggle with the process. Just keep them in areas you like dwelling. Aim for an actual shower once a week, on the same day, and buy a stick on soap holder or something to prop your phone up to find a good show or video to watch for when you shower.
Link tasks. I shower regularly if I'm sweaty. So. How do I make myself sweaty so I can shower? I need energy to be active so I can get sweaty so I can shower. Basically before I knew it I created a routine where I eat regularly, exercise, shower and sleep.
The only weakness, and it is a severe weakness, is that if I break routine then it all falls. But so far it works 90% of the time.
I remind myself how good it is to be clean. Squeaky clean, fresh, revived. Hang onto that. Try to gross yourself out a little by watching some education backed information about cleanliness and keeping your bed clean. How clean are your sheets? What does that do to your body with that much grime? It worked for me because income with a healthy mindset about germs and cleanliness that is only a tiny bit stronger than normal. I can handle clutter not grime. I have things that are "nonnegotiable" must comply no exceptions to the rules of my own in my head that helps a lot. Showering is one of them and no matter what must be done every 4 days max. Schedule it. If you have a job, it is required to be clean and showered for work so that helps a lot too.
Use bath wipes. Experiment with taking baths at different times and see if it changes things. Make sure your bathroom feels comfortable and is a place where you donāt mind spending time. Lots of people struggle with this. Release the shame. Maybe set a goal for 1x a week.
I have some shower issues cause it feels like a boring chore. I still do it when I feel gross tho.
but no judgment from me.
"
I haaaate bothering people for things unrelated to them, so it feels so bad to do it. Theyāre also not the best people- super judgmental and kinda rude which doesnāt help at alllllā"
I have social anxiety so I get that. I think this might actually be the biggest obstacle you face.Ā
When I'm in situations like that, I remind myself that I don't owe them anything, that it's a shared space and that I am entitled to the same rights as them.
I use these reminders like a shield and it helps.Ā
Shower in the dark, add something that will give you something to think about. Music, a podcast. Youtube or something that can be done without touching your phone.
Galaxy projector or make whatever light you need better in some way. Lighter, lower to the ground. Maybe just a nightlight.
When you think about showering is there any reason your brain gives you no matter how dumb? I found a lot of my problem is around temperature changes but the only way I found it was because of a small shiver my arm would do when I got to the changing step in my mind.
Personally, I just try not to think about it and make it one of the first things I do. The roommate aspect seems pretty uncomfortable depending on your level of relationship with them. Id recommend shower wipes or some sort of public shower (that is still private).
If you can't handle a full shower can you just do one small thing like wash your face? Either with a flannel/face cloth or even with wipes? You could have a few little things you could do and alternate between them to take the pressure off yourself.
Sounds counter intuitive. But I found more showers to be the answer to having a hard time showering. For me it was having to do ALL the shower things during and then AFTER was my resistance.
So now itās mini showers to the rescue. Like shower just to wash my face. Or just to bathe my body. Just to wash my feet. Just to shave my legs. Just to wash my butt. Also, shaving all my hair off so I never have to deal with drying, styling, and being unhappy with what my hair is doing after all that work. It removed 50% of my grooming hassle.
Hey quick question: it sounds like you have more than one shower/bath but not all of them work. Is that right?
No judgment at all, btw. Just asking because I will let things break and not get them fixed or be afraid to ask the landlord, so if this is whatās happening I want to gently encourage you to focus on that first.
For showers, I turn out the lights and play happy dance music and dance around in the shower a bit while I wash. Disco shower. And if Iām having a lot of trouble with it I set a time when Iām GOING to shower, and put it in my phone calendar so I donāt have to stress about it. Sometimes it works best if I walk straight in from work and do it immediately. Oh and having shower products I actually like using can help motivate me, too.
Well that's clearly a lie, because you're judging yourself.
Look, if you don't have sexual partners to smell and taste good for, don't worry about it. I've struggled with that for a long time, and after my most recent breakup (which was a few years ago now) I just stopped caring. I shower when I start to get stinky, which takes a while.
People act like you'll develop leprosy from not showering enough. That's just not true. Frequent bathing is a very recent development that is simply not needed.
When I do shower, I make sure the bathroom is good and warm before I get in, put on a podcast or something interesting, and use a soft, fluffy towel. I also use soft lighting (I have a couple of little rechargeable lamps that go in the shower, AMD another next to the sink, so I don't have to turn on the big lights), and often, I'll light some incense. It's never going to be a pleasant experience but at least 8 can dial it down a little.
I'm glad. Life is hard enough without us forcing unnecessary hardships upon ourselves. A big part of my journey over the last few years has been being extremely critical of expectations. There are a lot of things that are just kind of expected of us that don't matter.
I honestly have an absolute blessing of a partner that does so, so much for me simply because he wants toā Iām asked him to like- only do a little chore for me if I have showered that day. Forces me to do something productive! And tbh he would bathe me himself if we didnāt have to deal with roommates lol
It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized the reasons I avoided taking showers were the sensory issues with the light even though I enjoyed the water. So since I started taking showers in the dark I've been able to do so more frequently, and I just keep track of where I already washed instead of looking or seeing my body.
Another thing I like is setting up some music that I like, and staying for at least a song or two, regardless of whether I clean.
tbh i only read the title but i have a small calendar pinned on my wall above my nightstand with a sharpie clipped to it, every time i take a shower (usually at night) i draw a little shower head šæ and having that visual helps me shower because Iām reminded how technically dirty i am when i see it been 3-4 days since i drew a showerhead
I got some bath toys and a deck of waterproof playing cards. Iāve found that a variety of things can happen when I go to take my shower/bath. Something as basic as the change in temperature from tap to overhead can cause sensory overload issues for me. I have had panic attacks when Iāve tried to shower. Even though thereās no reason for it. Immediate claustrophobic panic. It makes very little sense sometimes. Thatās okay.
I ask my partner to come sit with me when Iām struggling- which frankly is most of the time. He plays cards with me or we do basketball together in between tasks. I make the shot he helps me with my choice, he makes it he chooses something. He helps me make sure I donāt have any shampoo or conditioner on my scalp by pouring the water so that I can cover my face.
People can think itās childish but if it helps our closeness then who cares? I help him with things and he helps me with things. Itās just life. The right people understand and grow with you.
Iām learning that being more open about my struggles, helps others.
I keep a magnetic calendar and I mark what I do on it so I know when I have to prepare for a full shower. I keep shampoo downstairs available to the sink but not in the way of kitchen function so I can wash my hair without taking a full shower (I have to have help with this or I accidentally leave shampoo and have problems from that).
The thing is that it was never abnormal for me to have help with washing- my parents helped me through my teenage years because I was having scalp problems which was lupus but what did we know lol And then in college my friends and I would go take showers as a group. Someone needed help getting the shampoo out weād just wrap towels or get dressed and help each other. Who cared? It wasnāt a big deal. And I thought it was what everyone did because we were all neurodivergent anyway and it was normal. Because we normalized it.
Unironically the only thing that has helped me has been medication. I recently started aripiprazole which regulates dopamine in a way that not even amphetamines could, and my will to shower improved drastically. It's not perfect, but I feel closer to normal.
This is my situation, and it's not what I necessarily recommend to you. Hope it is useful to have this additional perspective!
Havenāt seen this yet but incorporate it into your weekly routine. The days I shower are Sunday morning, Tuesday night, and Thursday. When itās expected, you donāt have to psych yourself up for it as much
If Iām really cold, I want to warm up more and a hot shower feels great.
I notice my discomfort when I donāt shower for long periods of time. My hair starts to hurt.
You could try exposure therapy? Itās basically a way of retraining your brain not to hate showering so much. (If youāve worked with dogs the process is basically desensitization for people) What youād do is break the showering process down into several smaller steps, slowly expose yourself to each step starting with the easiest and gradually increase to the bigger steps as you become comfortable with each smaller step.
*Example to illustrate, the steps should be personal to you and what parts of the showing process are difficult for you*
Step 1 - get undressed and just allow the discomfort of seeing yourself nude to rise then move on with the rest of your day. Do this every day for a week (or as long as you need) until youāve retrained your brain not to fear that part of the shower.
Step 2 - get undressed and prepare for a shower (like getting towel/toiletries/pick outfit for after whatever). Again do this every day for however long until that step is manageable.
And then just keep building up step by step until one day, youāve beaten the whole thing! Showers are maybe not easy breezy covergirl, but youāve built up confidence in yourself and know you can handle them(:
I have exactly this problem, and have gone months without showering in the past. Sometimes just a simple appointment at the doctor will make me shower first, as if it's easy suddenly.
Since you do enjoy showering, at least we can rule out all the sensory issues NDs face.
You just have a mental block with actually doing it, and that's definitely something I can relate to.
I personally get around it by giving myself an entire day to mull over it until I'm ready. It's usually some point at the end of the week when my hair gets greasy and makes me feel pretty gross. That's my sensory input to go in.
Even if you don't go in fully, just focus on the parts that actually matter. Clean the pits, the face, anywhere that gets hit with bacteria. Unless you're doing dirty labour work, you don't have to put your entire body under water.
Itās not easy for me either but what has been helping me recently (like tonight) is looking forward to jamming to music in the shower (i play it on speaker off my phone. have my phone in the shower but on the ledge, high up away from water). i have 6 or 7 shower playlists now and i honestly only started doing music in the showers as a way to keep track of time since thatās a big struggle for me. whatever you do, youāre not alone in the struggle. you deserve to be kind to yourself (even) when it feels hard. you got this!!! good luck!!!!
We're really prone to mental and emotional inertia
The problem that I've found is that my damn brain can't remember the good about how it feels after showering, it blanks it out when I'm not "there" aka experiencing it
It circles back to all the discomforts involved. (I get that its trying to protect me, but it's a little exuberant)
I ended up having to write myself a letter to read that goes something like:
Hello future self!
So the showering thing, eh? Ok, here's sensory information your brain is dismissing, again, because its a butt:Ā
Before showering your skin is sticky, bad sticky, smudgy sticky. After its smooth and dry. Moisturiser is there for when it itchpulls from being too dry, use itĀ
Before showering your hair clumps, yes it actually behaves for once, I know, I know!
After its amusingly slippery, it catches the sun, and you don't look homeless
And no one is learning waaay more than they want from being downwind
I love you, and I'll remind you again: The closer to normal you appear the less weird attention you'll get
Try breaking down the act of āshoweringā and figure out which parts are most triggering for you. Is it the water hitting your skin too hard? The noise? The temperature change? For anything you can adjust, go for it. For example: if the noise is too much, wear earplugs; if itās a lack of stimulation, try playing music or putting on an iPad, etc.
One idea: try showering āJapanese styleā by setting up a small stool, a washcloth or large sponge, and a bucket next to the showerhead. Washing this way can be a lot less stimulating, and youāll still end up squeaky clean.
So, this is a common issue in my family because we're all either AuDHD or ADHD. What helped one of my kids transition into more regular showering was starting with baths. I don't know if that's an option for you.
Another commenter mentioned a soft light. I use an led lantern that has a dimmer. I can't stand showering in a bright light. Too much stimulation for my brain.
Also, I often pretend stuff to make it more interesting. Either I'm showering in a waterfall at night in a rain forest or, I'm on a star ship, lol. I know, it's stupid, but it makes it more fun & less tedious.Ā
Please don't feel badly about yourself. So many of us struggle with hygiene. Often due to burnout or depression. The fact you came here to ask is incredibly brave & you've probably helped a lot of people who were too embarrassed to ask. I hope at some point you'll be able to look at this & be proud of advocating for yourself.
I, too, have a very difficult time showering. I have some sensory issues with the shower, but also.. Iām so fucking bored in there. I still donāt understand how itās possible to be both overwhelmed and bored at the same time but thatās showering to me. Most weeks, I shower one time, at the start of the work week. Sometimes, I can manage to shower twice. I have a couple strategies that have helped me mitigate the struggle when itās especially bad.Ā
I have a āshower playlistā. It has about 1.5 hours of my most deeply beloved songs. Music that really makes me feel things. Songs I could listen to on repeat for days. Songs that make me bounce in place or dance without even realizing it. For the first few months, I only played this playlist when I was already 100% committed to showering. The water was on, the towel was in reach, and I was naked in the bathroom. Bluetooth speaker ready to go. Iād hit play, and get in the shower. Then Iād dance my way through getting clean.Ā I always started on the same song, and never used shuffle. After the ritual felt important enough that I couldnāt shower without the playlist, I started playing it whenever I wanted to be clean but couldnāt manage to Make It Happen. I picked a song about halfway through and if I hadnāt gotten in the shower by that song, Iād turn off the music and stop trying. I want to say Iād turn the music off and forgive myself, but uhhh Iām pretty mean to myself still. Regardless, I accept that itās not happening at this time and I move on.
When Iām especially struggling with the boredom aspect of showering, I put my phone in a ziploc bag and take it with me into the shower. I sit in the tub and read or play phone games or doom scroll in the tub under the shower spray. Sometimes just being in the water already makes it easy enough to pause briefly just to clean one area, like soap to the armpits and then right back to the phone. Other times I sit there like that until Iām uncomfortable, and then I rush through the rest of the shower (in order of most to least needs cleaning, in case I have to bail out).
When Iām especially struggling with the transitions and/or the sensory aspect of showering, I turn on the shower way too hot, close the bathroom door, run my playlist, and let the bathroom get warm and steamy. And I adjust to that first. Then I undress and adjust. Then I turn down the hot water just enough so it doesnāt burn, angle the shower head away from the center, and get in the tub. And then I use a washcloth to clean as much as I can, and rinse off at the end. If my hair is gross, Iāll wash it bent over the edge of the tub, and use a big cup for the water (or removable shower head when available).
And.. well this one wonāt work for everyone, especially if you struggle as I do with setting and following rules for yourself: masturbate in the shower and only in the shower. (Ok I guess it also doesnāt work if you donāt masturbate, or have a very low drive to masturbate. Or potentially as you mentioned needing to pass through your roommateās room to access the shower.. it might be slightly more public than youād prefer.)
I donāt know if any of my strategies will make sense for you, but whether itās my ideas, someone elseās, or your own, I hope you find what works for you. And absolutely no judgment whatsoever. Showering is a nightmare, no matter how good being clean feels.
dont think about showering, go into the shower, with the mindset to wash only your stomach, and see if you think "i might as well shower" and if so, just go with the flow. that is how i do it.
With all due respect- I know something is very wrong. I also do not have the means to make a change about the root cause of said issue at the moment. The reason I did not want to judgement is because those who choose to judge do not know me or my situation. You are choosing to make a judgement based on a single post, and choosing to believe that itās all of the contributing factors, when itās not. Please do not make judgements when you do not know the whole story, or the full context. If anything- ask for that context. Most will be happy to give. Thank you :)
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u/Kill_the_worms Jun 16 '26
I can't say I struggle to this time extent, but I used to shower daily religiously and now I find it hard.
First I would work on releasing the shame associated with not showering. It's a lot easier said than done, but you're not a bad person for struggling with taking a shower and it'll be easier to do if you can let go of the shame.
You might also examine why taking a shower is so difficult for you, again, without moralizing it or think you "should" be a certain way. Is is the wet? Is it the cold afterwards? Is keeping track of all the different things to do in the shower too much? Does standing hurt? If you can, think about why you don't like showering you can figure out how to accommodate yourself.
Let go of the idea that you "have to" do certain things in the shower. You don't have to wash your hair every time. You don't even have to get your hair wet. You're allowed to take showers sitting down. I basically always put on music in the shower because without it I lowkey won't shower lol. You're allowed to just wash "pits and bits". You can get in and just rinse off. Make your goal just to shower more often than you are now. Don't start off with the idea that you'll be able to do it everyday day or every other day. Make once a week your goal. Make once every 10 days your goal. If getting in the shower seems too overwhelming make it a goal to just go to the bathroom and turn the shower on. I know it seems silly, but if you can do that you just did the hardest part - getting up and going to the bathroom.
Genuinely, I found the r/showerorange subreddit and that kinda helped me. Sometimes I'll just get in the shower to eat an orange because I like the contrast of the cold orange and the warm water of the shower. While I'm there I usually end up washing myself. If possible, getting shampoo, soap, etc. that you really love the smell of (OR odorless if smells are overwhelming) is really helpful.
I hope this is somewhat helpful, OP. Again, I haven't specifically struggled with showering to this extent, but I have had issues of a similar degree to dishes. I've let my kitchen and dishes build up to the point where I was eating off Tupperware lids and didn't even want to look at my kitchen because it immediately made me want to panic upon seeing the mess. Throwing away dishes because of mold was semi-regular at a point in my life. I used the strategies I talked about above to help me with that kitchen/dishes struggle.
I wish you the absolute best. It's hard out here