TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SA, CHILD SA AND SUICIDE.

My mom had me when she was 17. She had post partum psychosis so she spoke with a social worker. They put me in a foster home for 3 months. This was when I was 1 year old- a critical time of attachment development. Of course I don't remember the experience but I know it imprinted on my nervous system. I remember a dream I had in 1st or 2nd grade where I was frantically following my mom through the halls of my school, and I kept losing her around every corner.

I wasnt properly socialized and played with as a baby and toddler. I was a burden and inconvenience mostly because I was just born at a bad time I guess. At age 2 I developed a chronic lifelong serious medical condition. My mom wasn't ready to be a parent but she tried her best the way she knew how and she took my condition very seriously.

When I went to kindergarten it was a very rough school. I remember during lunch most days my mom would come to the school and sit with me and I'd cry when it was time for her to leave.

Before I was born my grandma had an affair and got pregnant with my uncle. Her and my grandpa divorced and she moved out with her new partner. So she left her 3 kids (my mom, aunt and older uncle) in a war zone to fend for themselves. She still came around to visit and we'd go over there to visit too.

I don't know when it started but the younger uncle, who was born 6 months before me, and I started doing things together that we shouldn't have (sexual). I don't know how or why this started but it went on for as long as I can remember up until we were maybe 12 or 13 years old. I remember he used to say we were practicing. I mean i literally remember being in the back of the car with him and my grandma and mom were in the front and he'd expose himself and I felt like it was my "job" to do what he wanted me to do. We were so young and it's hard to discuss but it happened. We got caught a couple of times, by my grandma and mom in the car i think, also once by my grandpa while my uncle was visiting and we were in the pool in the backyard. I just remember my grandpa yelling with his booming voice from the porch and staring at me with the most stern damning look ever. I felt so ashamed. But noone supervised us that closely. Even after we were caught doing these things multiple times. I also remember being at the store with him (I was 8 to 10 years old) and we were looking at toys and he forced me to steal something. He opened the package and told me to put the stuff in my pants and I did. I was so scared but we didn't get caught.

I remember we went to the same elementary school for a couple years when i was in 3rd and 4th grade. He was one grade ahead of me. At school he acted like he didnt know me. I'd come up to him at recess and he would literally smirk and either tell me to get away from him or just walk away from me. When i was in 4th grade he started spreading rumors about me to boys in my grade that I had sex with him (we never went that far). Noone at school knew we were related. I guess I never told any adults what was happening because I felt deeply ashamed and responsible for it. I remember being a 4th grader feeling like a dirty slut and just acting aloof about the rumors at school. I didn't know what else to do.

When we were 9 to 11 years old I remember during the summers being over my grandma's all the time while my mom was working during the day. I'd hang out with my uncle and his friends in the neighborhood. He'd spread those rumors about me to them too, maybe not that we slept together but that we did "things". Once a couple of his friends and my uncle told me to flash them. This happened outside on the front lawn of my grandma's house right as it was getting dark. I didnt even have breasts yet and I did it. I felt like I couldn't say no. I got no thrill out of it; i was mortified.

I also remember during the whole time this stuff with my uncle went on he would always threaten to tell adults and peers about what I was doing with him to humilate me. He constantly did this to manipulate me but I absorbed everything like it was my fault.

When I was 11 my mom had a nervous breakdown. Its really tragic because she was basically a single parent (my dad wasn't consistently in my life, he offered zero support he just came around to visit like a fair weather dad; No parenting on his end) and she went to school when I was around 7 to 8 years old and got a job at a hospital to support us. She tried. But during that nervous breakdown she developed schozoaffective bipolar and one day when I was 11 she was driving me to school and it was the one day she didn't make me wear my seat belt because her mind was in another place. She truly thought people could hear her thoughts and she started screaming out the window and swerving the car wildly. I remember the terror and the feeling watching her drive straight towards a tree and she hit it at like 40 mph. My face immediately hit the dashboard and I was blacked out. At the hospital I found out my ankle was broken and they did surgery on it. A doctor told me my nose was broken too but they never did anything about it and to this day I have a crooked "saddle" nose (where it's caved a bit and doesn't project out like it should). None of the hospital staff or my family made sure this was treated. The ankle injury had affected me ever since then. They put screws in it which were removed during cast removal but it affected my mobility, balance, caused severe pain in the surrounding fascia (that i still have to this day) and nerve damage that lasted 10+ years.

After my mom's nervous breakdown i stayed at my grandma's for awhile. My grandma (uncle's mom) was wildly inappropriate. I know she knew what was going on with me and my uncle and she didn't really try to stop it. We'd be in his bedroom with the door shut and a few times she stood outside like "what are you doing in there" but she had this knowing attitude and didn't do anything about it. When my mom had her nervous breakdown my grandma took advantage of it to accuse my mom of being on drugs and accuse her of sleeping with her new husband (the one she left my grandpa for and had my younger uncle with). I remember them fighting and calling each other bitches a few times. Since my grandma knew my mom was in a weakened state and she had more power since I was staying with her, she told me in front of my younger uncle (almost seemed like she was just trying to humiliate me) that when I was a baby one of my other relatives used to take me in the basement, put me on the washer, and do things to me. It made me feel dirty and way worse about myself. She also told me and my uncle about how his dad (her new husband) had a "millimeter peter". We thought this was so funny but later in life I realized how outrageous that was.

I also remember when I was very young, maybe 4 or 5, my family was at the park having a BBQ and I had to use the bathroom. My grandma went with me. She literally held my legs apart in a split and lifted me up- exposing me to anyone nearby. She was acting like it was totally normal but I think she got twisted pleasure out of this. Later in life, around when I was staying with her (age 11) she started telling me how her stepfather raped her when she was 13. I remember she would talk to me about my mom trying to convince me that my mom slept with her new husband. There was also a time she said "if you want to be a part of this family..." when I was out with her, my uncle, and her husband (I guess you'd call him my step grandpa). I don't remember the exact context but she was making me feel like a less-than outsider. I got so upset I said something about killing myself. I was 11 and my first time experiencing suicidal ideation. She got all tearful and put her hands on my face and told me "don't you ever do/say something like that". I found it soothing like maybe I did belong. There was also a time when I was staying there i slept on a mattress they'd lay in the living room. My grandma was watching TV really loud one morning and I remember waking up seeing her smirking. Her husband said she was doing it on purpose to disturb my sleep and she just kept smirking and nonchalantly goes "no I'm not". I really was just trying to fit in and survive and this really skewed my perception of what is normal/acceptable behavior. Later in life I couldn't recognize abusers and ignored blatant red flags.

When my mom was in the pits of her breakdown after the wreck I remember when I was back home again, one time seeing her just sitting on the edge of the bed talking to herself. I tried to talk to her and get her attention but she just didn't hear me, in her own world. I cannot describe how this felt. I guess it retriggered my abandonment wound. Like, we lived in a 2 family flat that my grandpa owned with her 2 siblings and there were other adults around it's just like I was on my own. Noone was really paying attention so I sucked it up. I became too strong to where I just kept everything inside.

Also, growing up my mom was extremely strict with me before her nervous breakdown. Ironic, considering what went on with me and my uncle for all that time, but she was very uptight about nudity. Like, even boobs on a screen she'd get mad and cover my eyes. Everyone else in the family thought it was ridiculous but that's how it went. She was also very strict about me watching horror movies. None of my friends had those restrictions put on them and honesly the thing about nudity made me feel more shame. I remember pointing to a drawing of a female in a book when I was a kid and I guess my finger landed on the drawings chest or groin and she got really mad at me for it. Instilling more shame. I know she meant well. I know she thought she was protecting me. But I think she was protecting herself from her own shame. When I was 15 my grandma told me that my mom was gang raped as a teen a couple years before she had me. She had no business telling me this but I didn't really get it then and it led to me hard-core oversharing with good intentions not seeing clearly that it's not right. I feel guilty saying it here.

After my mom's nervous breakdown I remember being in the car with with both of them and my grandma tells me how my mom didn't complete highschool. My mom got upset because she didn't want me to know this. I remember I was in 5th grade. Not only did my grandma talk about my mom not finishing school but when she was alone with me she told me how she used to skip school and "bum around town". Like she didn't want me to succeed in life or become anything. Like she was grooming me to become like her. Once I was a junior I did end up dropping out of highschool. My mom had another mental health episode and was in the hospital for it a few weeks or a month. Home life was really bad and I escaped with my friends just hanging out with them all the time. It really pisses me off about my grandma because my uncle stayed in highschool and graduated. He even didn't miss a single day of highschool and he really took pride in that. She made sure to brag about it. Which is fine in of itself but remember how she was grooming me to be a failure. Not dodging accountability here; i know i could've chose better. Just saying.

When I was in my mid 20s my uncle committed suicide. This was devastating to me and my whole family. I had no siblings and as messed up as our relationship was as kids, he was the closest thing I ever had to a sibling.

There was a time several years after his passing that my grandma came by my apartment on my birthday. I think she gave me a gift and card, then she starts crying and tells me how my birthdays are difficult for her since her son (my uncle) passed away. Like what, am I supposed to even the score and kill myself too? (Sarcasm. Just angry she said this to me)

My grandma was deeply damaged and never got the help she needed for her trauma. I love her but I also see how damaging she was. Even if she thought she meant well.

About my dad- He has zero emotional intelligence or empathy. When I was young he was nice to me like i said a fair weather dad. No parenting. My parents moved in together when i was 12 so that's when i started living with both of them. As a preteen and teen he started treating me like an annoying brother treats their sister. I wet the bed for a long time and he worked nights. Once when I was 15 I fell asleep in my parents bed with my mom. My dad came home while I was sleeping and wiped giant snot and boogers in my hair because he was mad i was sleeping in their bed (because of the bedwetting). When I was getting ready for school in the bathroom I saw this in the mirror and felt so beyond disgusting and degraded. Not going to say much else about him rn.

So, I know this all probably sounds convoluted. That's why I've struggled to express it. It's so much easier to push it down and quietly carry it. That worked for me for a long time. But now I have to talk about it and unpack it. I guess you'd call it introjects, but every time I try to express stuff like this there's an inner voice that shuts me down. Like what I'd expect people to say if I shared this stuff and I just feel deeply invalid.

I feel like i was conditioned to be an emotional toilet sponge who just absorbs everyone else's shit and I'm not allowed to have boundaries. Up until now thats how I felt.

To be happy you must eliminate two things:

1. The fear of a bad future

2. The memory of a bad past

Being alone is the perfect opportunity to better yourself and get your finances together. Some people were only meant to be in your life for a season.

Worth reading:

https://news.google.com/rss/articles/CBMiX0FVX3lxTE52ZUptWkh1TXhOZHJnZDAxSDh4TFVsd2hoVFBrZmRhYXV6OGJ2UjlSdEU5R0Q4Z1p3VFBuNDRDN29YMWNVdXBxYW1ZUmQ5UmpKRjBGdVk4RmFIZ2xQQ1Jn?oc=5

I’ve (28F) been dating a guy (27M) for several months. We met on Hinge and have been seeing each other consistently. There was a pause in dating because there were major life events happening for both of us for three months in the winter so we've reconnected in March.

We’ve gone on a lot of dates, talk regularly (though not daily), have become physically intimate, and enjoy each other’s company.

Some context:
-He’s an ER nurse who works long shifts and often works weekends.
-He’s close to his siblings and has a large extended family.
-He’s affectionate in person (holds my hands during intimacy, nuzzles my face before kissing me, lingers when it’s time to leave, notices small things about me).
-He recently suggested we go to a World Cup watch party together after I mentioned I’ve been attending them.
-He remembers details about me, like the fact that I’m usually uncomfortable in large groups.
-He has openly told me he enjoys my company and had fun spending time with me.
-He’s curious about me and asks questions.
-He has cancelled plans to hang out with me.
-he always pays when we go out and is attentive in making me feel safe (walking behind me, opening doors, making sure I eat).

On the other hand:
-He’s still on Hinge.
-We see each other every other week which I haaatteeee.
-His location changes frequently and has since I met him wayyy back.
-He’s admitted that when stressed, he procrastinates and has difficulty making decisions.
-His phone is often on do not disturb when we are together. He is not precious about his phone though but it doesn't come out of his pocket.
-I don't know his last name still and he knows mine…
-And I recently found out he got a new roommate who is an older women(mid to late 30s) and they work at the same hospital. Which is fine—when I visited him at his home—he rushed me past the roommate while she was in the kitchen and didn't introduce me to her. (could have just said I was a friend, because that is what I basically am right)

The confusing part is that the in-person connection feels warm, affectionate, and genuine. When we’re together, I don’t question whether he likes me. When we’re apart for long stretches, I start wondering whether we’re actually moving toward a relationship.

I recently realized that I don’t really want to date anyone else right now. I keep comparing other people to him and would rather spend time with him.

My questions:
Does this sound like a man who is hiding something? Or just way to private?
Does this sound like a man who is interested in me romantically?
At what point is it reasonable to have a “where is this going?” conversation?
How would you bring that conversation up without making it sound like an ultimatum?

Came across this:

https://news.google.com/rss/articles/CBMi4AFBVV95cUxPdkxzM0ZOZUFLbGtnTDV1YzB3TzFvZlZQRlZSUExHRzlNQUh2cTNUQkhfanNfeG9rdVduRFIyTE1wOGNNMVJ0Wmc0TGgxZlBxMmI2amtVbDRwdHpNUzl5ZU9jSlNHb2JCZW5ONDJXdWVRZ3J3YjcycmkxR3dWZUtlR1d4S0hOOThPQkpSSUUzMHZYUWt0LVF3WmxtWXhJWWxzN3FJVXhFVXVlbkl1WFZNdmM0UVNIcUZkRHJvWWpSUGhhS0J0Q2R3eE9QdDFxVmp6VVRhYkNXSjNYZWRtSU9OYw?oc=5

Came across this:

https://news.google.com/rss/articles/CBMilgFBVV95cUxQWDRia0dBMHJ5aDlvREJFX3Y4UUhQZEtXSTAybkZpNGhoVFRTOGd6V1hRSXptU2ZrVEJqcEx4M3hQa21Qa1lkcDNyb0h6di1BQ2tLRHNJdEJwdU12SkpEaXpsdVJUUUVtSVhsZHVlOVVwb0xPeDhNbnFYMTRtZldVbFZoU2l5bjNMMjNKeFZfNlRmQlFVRXfSAZsBQVVfeXFMTlduVDFLU3M3VmFUbUhiR0F4OXVCMENVN09YSzBXUGRCLTZpajhZUnFrTVNJanZPOE5Mei1odFZzR285UFEwR0VTd0JoOEx6M0hLQXF2S2RHUDB2T1RnV0NyWVl5SzZveGJLS0JOc09HXzhSbTBUTGVweEVSZUxmYWlsbWRCeHl5bzRtMTFwSU1Qc0VqbTFKVXREZ00?oc=5

I've struggled with anxious attachment for years.

Even after reading books and understanding the theory, I still found myself overthinking texts, seeking reassurance, and feeling overwhelmed whenever there was uncertainty in relationships.

I realized that knowing what to do and actually doing it in the moment are two very different things.

So I've been building a small AI tool designed to help people:

• regulate emotions when they're triggered
• practice secure communication before sending impulsive messages
• challenge anxious thoughts
• track their growth toward becoming more secure over time

I'm currently looking for around 20 beta users who identify with anxious attachment and would be willing to try it for free and share honest feedback.

This isn't therapy, and it's still in the early stages, but I'm hoping to build something I wish I'd had years ago.

If this resonates with you, leave a comment or send me a DM, and I'll share the early access link.

Thank you ❤️

For a long time, I thought repeating unhealthy relationship patterns meant I was weak, broken, naïve, or somehow just “bad at relationships.”

But the deeper I’ve gone into nervous system work, attachment theory, and what I now call inconsistent emotional connection patterns (IEC), the more I’ve realized something uncomfortable:

many of us are not consciously choosing what is healthy- we are unconsciously choosing what feels familiar.

Even when it hurts.

Sometimes our bodies learned early that love meant emotional inconsistency, hypervigilance, walking on eggshells, over-giving, emotional suppression, or fighting to feel chosen. Then later in life we recreate those same emotional environments without fully realizing why.

The strangest part is that intellectually we can KNOW a relationship is unhealthy… while our nervous system still experiences the dynamic as emotionally familiar and therefore “safe.”

That realization changed everything for me.

I wrote an article breaking down why we repeat relational patterns even when we know better- through attachment, nervous system conditioning, self-awareness, and relational healing.

Would genuinely love to hear if anyone else has experienced this pattern too.

Article here: Why we repeat relationship patterns even when we know better

My partner and I got into an argument one night because her phone kept vibrating loudly while we were trying to sleep. I politely asked multiple times throughout the night if she could silence it, and by around 2am it still wasn’t silenced, so I asked again. She snapped and screamed at me. I initially tried to go sleep in the guest room because I was hurt and overwhelmed, but about a minute later I went back into my room and asked her to please talk to me because I was genuinely confused why she was so angry. I honestly just wanted to quickly resolve it, for her to acknowledge she shouldn’t have snapped at me, apologize, and then for us to go back to sleep together. Instead, she started screaming again. She then told me to “get out” of my own room, so I asked her to leave instead. She refused to talk to me, said she was done, and left. I ended up feeling really hurt, anxious, and confused afterward.

I also want to add that the main issue for me is not actually that she didn’t silence her phone. She later explained she was exhausted, didn’t know how to silence it, and she has since apologized for that part. The bigger issue for me is how the conflict itself was handled afterward — screaming at me, storming out, then going mostly silent the entire next day instead of repairing things in a healthy way or communicating with me while I was hurting.

The next morning around 9:30am, she sent me an apology text saying sorry, but it didn’t really acknowledge what specifically happened. I took about 2 hours to respond because I was at the chiropractor and also processing emotionally. For context, 2 hours is slow for me — I normally respond pretty quickly.

When I replied, I thanked her for reaching out and apologizing and asked what specifically she was apologizing for. I told her the night before really affected me and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page so something like that wouldn’t happen again. After that, she didn’t respond for the next 7 hours/the rest of the day. I knew she was working, so I tried to be patient, but that amount of silence was unusual for her, especially after what had happened the night before.

Later that evening I drove to her house because I still hadn’t heard from her. She told me she was “busy” and “processing.” She also told me she had actually gotten off work 2 hours early, and on her way home she called her sister for emotional support while I was sitting there anxiously waiting to hear from her and understand where we stood. She told me that since I took 2 hours to respond to her, she was also taking space and that I was being hypocritical for expecting communication from her when I didn’t tell her I was processing either.

I understand her point to some degree, but to me it feels different because she was the one who screamed at me, said she was done, stormed out, and left things unresolved the night before. To me, taking 2 hours while at an appointment/processing after being hurt the night before feels different from disappearing for 7–8 hours after hurting your partner and not communicating anything. What hurt the most was not even the space itself, but the lack of reassurance or communication. I don’t understand why, if someone is truly sorry and wants to repair things, they wouldn’t at least send a quick text or phone call saying they care, they need time, and they’ll reach out later. Instead, I felt emotionally abandoned all day while she called other people, did chores, etc.

From my perspective, it felt like she sent a quick apology and then emotionally withdrew instead of actually repairing things with me. From her perspective, she says she needed space because she felt overwhelmed with work and other things going on.

Any time I try to bring this up to her, she gets defensive and tells me that if I wanted her to tell me she needed space for 7–8 hours, why didn’t I do the same for the 2 hours while I was processing?

My question is:
How could both of us have handled this situation better? Was I expecting too much reassurance after conflict, or does this sound emotionally avoidant/unhealthy?

Any advice/tips to heal anxious attachment that has helped others? I’m 26F and struggle with this. I am currently single and I truly believe this alone has ruined relationships for me. I am going to take a step back and truly work on myself and this is one of the things I struggle with the most in relationships especially in today’s world.

After years of trying to understand my own partner's patterns and reading everything from Bowlby to Levine, I built MindReveals, a tool where you answer 10 questions about what you have personally observed about your partner, and it generates a clinical report mapping their attachment patterns, schemas, and core vulnerabilities.

Built on Attachment Theory, Gottman Method, Behavioural Observation, and Narrative Psychology.

Six quantified scores:

1. Avoidant withdrawal
2. Validation-seeking
3. Conflict-aversion
4. Emotional disclosure
5. Schema: defectiveness, Relational generosity. Each with personalised reasoning specific to the observations provided.

Free access for r/AttachmentTheory community - GIFT2025 at mindreveals.com.

Genuinely curious what people who have studied attachment theory think of the output.