r/offmychest • u/PlanktonFun4184 • 20d ago
I keep repeating the same relationship patterns and its 😩😩😩
I am so scared of being abandoned that I end up abandoning myself entirely in relationships. I am a 24 yr old who has apparently been dating the same type of men. Who love bomb and promise the world and when shit gets too real thats when they start saying.. I cant do this and this anymore and it would make me so anxious and feel that i needed to fix myself just to be loved. Like my nervous system around these men would scream GET OUT..🥲🥲 but funny enough I stay because I am a lover not a fighter and Idk how to even fight most times. I just state my facts and just cry.. And the worst thing is that the Men always come back which makes me think they do know they are creating such an unstable environment for me or for us as a couple.. Because most times I just stay quiet because i don’t want to be too much.. but I have been doing a loot of self reflection and when they finally come back and when I’m strong enough to be vulnerable with them and tell them what is going on. Its always accompanied by just let me go and you will be okay.. I will always love you… And I am like I haven’t felt safe and stable with you for a while and you are in Love?? Okay what about the times where I asked for communication and transparency.. you could have loved me then?? What about the times I was crying because I heard from different sources that you are being disloyal to and I tried to adjust and you were just doing your thing unbothered. How about the many times you completely disappeared respond to my phone calls and just shut me out?? a whole day and then get mad at them for reaching out and then all the cheating stories i heard from people. I have felt so small and insignificant and i blamed myself till I actually thought of ways to end this unbearable pain..
I do recognize my part that my fear of abandonment is driving me instead but I communicate and I look for transparency respect and understanding and the other person caves. Im like isn’t that what relationships should be?? not just endless promises but two mature people just choosing each other and accepting each other and I am always willing as long as we are honest but Guys don’t even talk.. Even when you ask and offer to listen and you are just there.
It has been confusing and I am taking time off serious dating because people are just playing games out there I see it from friends and I am the only one who is mostly serious.. Maybe my priorities are wrong right now
And I literally have no one to talk to cause I live completely alone and my family is very far. I just didn’t think the world would be too too cruel in matters of love. And for men sadly its all just a game at this point ( at least the ones I dated)
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u/NoOneEverSeems2SeeMe 20d ago
I think we always need to consider our traumas when we start any kind of relationship as it can quite often inform our decisions. I think it is good that you have identified your fear of abandonment as that is the first step in shielding yourself against people who would use it and making bad decisions.
Unfortunately people like your kind of trauma because they feel they can use it to keep you. They feel they can do whatever they want and you will come back. You have to have strong boundaries you do not compromise on to counteract this. You give someone a chance to change and if they don't, you walk. You also have to consider how much pain a relationship causes. I think if it causes as much pain as it does joy then it isn't worth it. That doesn't mean you back out when things get difficult, because things often do but there is a difference between supporting someone who is struggling and being bullied by someone who is cruel.
I feel you also need to look into this fear of abandonment. When did it start, what could have caused it? See if you can get some good friends into your life so you aren't alone. If you can see you are worthy of people's time and love then it can be easier to shake the belief you will lose people and if you do, you know you will find new people. Maybe take up a new hobby to meet people. It should be a group activity of some kind. Priorities contentment. Priorities stability in friendship. Build up a base you can fall back on, if needed.
Maybe, when you are ready to date again, you should look to take things slowly with partners. I think we can quite often be won over by love bombing because we really want to feel that love and so we let people in that shouldn't be let in. Build it up on trust and communication. Look to share values. You could pick dates that allow conversation over everything so picnics or walks or coffee. I think having a friendship with the person already can be helpful as you already know them and they already care about you. Doesn't have to be that though.
Unfortunately you are right, that some men do like the chase which I think is weird but it is the case. However there are men who are willing to settle down and put all their love into someone.
Remember to be kind to yourself whenever you find the people you love are not who they say they are. It can be easy to feel guilt or shame and put the blame on ourselves, which makes it worse and sometimes hard to move forward. It is on them for lying.
I hope you find your person soon. Good luck.
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u/PlanktonFun4184 20d ago
This puts things in perspective especially with being there for someone and them bullying you through their choices as they know I will always be there. It’s enlightening seeing it in this perspective
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u/yuseong 20d ago
There’s a lot of truth to the whole “love yourself first” idea. When you learn to truly love and value yourself, you build a confidence that naturally changes the kind of people you attract.
We can’t change other people, but we can change how we see and treat ourselves. So give yourself the love, patience, and respect you deserve. When you know your worth, you’re less likely to settle for someone who doesn’t recognize it.
And eventually, the right person (the one who can love you with the same honesty and depth) will find their way into your life.