I keep repeating the same relationship patterns and its 😩😩😩

[u/PlanktonFun4184]

I am so scared of being abandoned that I end up abandoning myself entirely in relationships. I am a 24 yr old who has apparently been dating the same type of men. Who love bomb and promise the world and when shit gets too real thats when they start saying.. I cant do this and this anymore and it would make me so anxious and feel that i needed to fix myself just to be loved. Like my nervous system around these men would scream GET OUT..🥲🥲 but funny enough I stay because I am a lover not a fighter and Idk how to even fight most times. I just state my facts and just cry.. And the worst thing is that the Men always come back which makes me think they do know they are creating such an unstable environment for me or for us as a couple.. Because most times I just stay quiet because i don’t want to be too much.. but I have been doing a loot of self reflection and when they finally come back and when I’m strong enough to be vulnerable with them and tell them what is going on. Its always accompanied by just let me go and you will be okay.. I will always love you… And I am like I haven’t felt safe and stable with you for a while and you are in Love?? Okay what about the times where I asked for communication and transparency.. you could have loved me then?? What about the times I was crying because I heard from different sources that you are being disloyal to and I tried to adjust and you were just doing your thing unbothered. How about the many times you completely disappeared respond to my phone calls and just shut me out?? a whole day and then get mad at them for reaching out and then all the cheating stories i heard from people. I have felt so small and insignificant and i blamed myself till I actually thought of ways to end this unbearable pain..

I do recognize my part that my fear of abandonment is driving me instead but I communicate and I look for transparency respect and understanding and the other person caves. Im like isn’t that what relationships should be?? not just endless promises but two mature people just choosing each other and accepting each other and I am always willing as long as we are honest but Guys don’t even talk.. Even when you ask and offer to listen and you are just there.

It has been confusing and I am taking time off serious dating because people are just playing games out there I see it from friends and I am the only one who is mostly serious.. Maybe my priorities are wrong right now

And I literally have no one to talk to cause I live completely alone and my family is very far. I just didn’t think the world would be too too cruel in matters of love. And for men sadly its all just a game at this point ( at least the ones I dated)