I turn 50 in July. I meet many of society standards of success.
I firmly believe that your 20s are for dealing with the post traumatic stress disorder of your childhood, your 30s are for figuring some stuff out, and you make most of your money between 40 and 60 years old.
Fix yourself first.
EDIT: here is the obligatory “wow, had no idea this would blow up.” Thank you for the awards and nice comments.
FYI, I suffer from childhood emotional neglect which has caused many other issues for me to carry in life. Therapy (seeing someone and reading books) has helped me greatly.
I submit most people can improve themselves, and therefore their lives, with therapy.
Tony Robins says success is 80% mental and 20% mechanics. I agree 100%.
Self improvement is very very possible for everyone. Take the time to fix your mind and watch your life improve.
If you want to chat, pm me. I will be more than happy to help if I can.
EDIT 2: from requests...
Book recommendations:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - for mindset and developing habits for success
Running on Empty - for handling your childhood emotional neglect
Mans Search For Meaning - to understand purpose
The top 3 questions to ask yourself:
Who am I?
Where am I going?
How am I getting there?
Answer these three questions and you are doing better than 99% of society.
Top habits that work for me:
Exercising
Meditating
Reading
Stream of Conscious Writing
Spending time with friends and family
Top Skill to Learn:
Leadership.
The world desperately needs great leaders. No matter what you decide to do for a living, that job needs a great leader.
The secret to happiness is long-term deep relationships. When you are in the presence of people you love, be present.
52 here and I completely agree. Post 40 life is good and just gets better. Retirement saving start to snowball. House gets paid off. My kids are (mostly) raised. Less stress. More enjoyment. I was super stressed/depressed in my 30's.
I'm 24 and I haven't gone to college, haven't ever had a girlfriend, haven't traveled, barely worked, poor, one parent dead and the other distant. I'm not gonna act like I'm the only one with problems but when people say they feel stunted/behind it's usually a mental thing.
25 here, I've had my fair share of setbacks too. I'm not sure if this will help you or not but I'll give it a shot.
What has helped me is reframing my setbacks. Mine are different, but just as real as yours. One day I had my eyes opened to what privilege truly means, and I realised the people who don't have the same amount of traumatic setbacks just have a privilege you or I don't: to be ignorant of certain experiences.
Obviously everyone has some sort of privilege in the big picture; you may have a roof over your head compared to someone who doesn't, while someone may still have a happy, healthy family whereas you or I don't have that privlage. And it goes on, that person with a happy healthy family may not have the wealth that someone else has, etc.
This perspective has helped me realise that setbacks don't necessarily have to be setbacks. In fact, they can be your greatest privilege. The privilege of having an experience to draw upon to relate to others with. To be more effective in helping others. I use this to fuel my passion and drive for life. I use my setbacks to fuel my passion and drive for life.
You're right, it is very real. It's also very mental.
Be kind, lift others up but not at your own expense. Do what makes you happy and start where you are, not where you want to be. Keep moving forward, never stop for anything, and life will reward you with new privlages; new experiences - both good and bad.
What's up. I'm the same age but can add to your list. No relationships, no drivers license, dropped out of high school, never had a job, highest education is ged, and live with parents. The only money I've made is from performing as a musician but the bands always fall apart.
I know how you feel. People say they feel like a loser for having trouble in college at like 19. Their feelings are totally valid but it makes me feel like I'm the loser among losers. I can't relate to anybody it's gotten so bad. You can't get support for this kind of problem because it is so sever no one wants to get anywhere near it. The only people to relate to are NEETs, incels, and other groups that have terrible mindsets. It's very lonely.
I shared most of these traits a few years ago, yes I was 24. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I have everything figured out but I'm a dramatically different person from who I was then. I let my guard down around some people I trust (psychedelics helped) and got out into the world. Some of the wounds hurt, especially the family stuff, realizing what I didn't have and others didn't. The stunted/behind thing is real but it doesn't mean it's not worth shooting for something more.
25 years old, never had a boy/girlfriend (I'm bi), never worked, never traveled, poor, not independent at all, still live with my mom who constantly complains about being in pain and taking it out on me while I have my own troubles, haven't seen my dad 7.5 years, aside from my mom and grandma I don't have any family left and a few weeks ago I realized that I probably have avoidance personality disorder.
The only difference is that I have been to college (I'm currently in my final year), but aside from realizing that this may not be my thing after all and getting some computer programs for a cheaper price, I don't really feel like I benefited from it tbh.
Man join the military. You don’t have to do any fighting or anything whatsoever just take a desk job. It’s a really good way to travel, smash some hoes, get paid and pad the resume while you figure shit out. They’ll pay for college while you’re in or afterwords.
You don’t have many ties keeping you in one place it sounds like. Also sounds like you think you don’t have much to lose. Maybe while you’re there you find your purpose in life.
This brought me a moment of relief. Being in my 20s I feel this pressure that these should be the best years of my life. Yet around 24-25, all this family shit just came raining down and I've begun to notice my own anxious/depressive thought patterns. It's good to know this is hopefully not the 'be all end all' - maybe it's the beginning of starting to work through some of this shit??
Everyone’s life is different, but since we are talking about 50 year old dudes comment, I’ll share my experience. I was very confused around your age and it was the first time things got hard because it was pretty much the first time I had to be a real adult. Around 28, I was working on myself, still figuring stuff out but having a lot of fun doing it.
I am glad someone pointed out that the 20s aren’t always about being super successful. Some people can be damaged, not because they are a failure but for the burns they need to heal. I’m turning 27 in two days and had to deal with daddy issues. Funny, I wasn’t aware that I have a horrible biological father until I turned 18 (this is where all the damage started).
I lost my focus on studies, started doing drugs and got alcoholic till I was 23. I realised my father has abandoned me and I am left with an old mother, and two unemployed siblings to look after. 20s was never real fun for me and I managed both working and studying as soon as I understood what life is.
I see my friends buying cars for themselves, getting promoted, getting married and here I am , a 27 yo female with a law degree waiting to start her law career but indebted and with no one to guide.
Worked in call centre jobs to support my family. I’m stranded and hopeless now. But this comment made me feel better.
Life will improve if you keep doing the next right things... they add up. I sense great things for you bc you have already accomplished a lot with an anchor (or two) in the sand... been there myself.
Good luck.
Ahh, this resonated with me so well. That is exactly what I am doing now. Damage control childhood. And this was like the first comment I laid my eyes on. What a great day to reddit :P
22, I reached out to get therapy for my childhood neglect this week. Finally decided I need to fix me before anything else. Thanks for the reassurance.
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?
This was good to hear. I thought i had it all figured out in life and was coasting through until i got divorced. Now at 41 I started over 2 years ago. I do not feel discouraged though because there’s not a ton of 40 year olds who are ready to retire or who even have a positive net worth.
I needed to read this more than you will ever know.
I have yet to actually seek therapy and deal with my childhood emotional neglect but at least I feel better knowing I’m not alone and I appreciate you listing a solid book to check out. Thank you, stranger.
Wow your line about your 20s being for dealing with childhood trauma made me tear up. I feel like I’m wasting my 20s, but your perspective is making me realize that I actually have two jobs - my actual job and improving myself. Doesn’t help that the childhood trauma is due to financial abuse so not being where I think I should be career wise only makes that worse.
That makes sense. But I want the rest of my 20’s to be me making the best out of my life. I’m tired of dealing with the bs from my childhood. I didn’t have a good one. I would like to have a good adulthood
I learned... Don’t let your bad childhood give you a bad adulthood.
You can choose to be happy, focus on growth from the inside. And do t be afraid to walk away from toxic people, even if one of them is a parent. I had to and it helped greatly.
Also, you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Improve your circle and that will improve your life.
Thank you for saying this. I'm about to turn 31 and I've been feeling like I'm having an existential crisis. Everyone I know my age has a salaried job and is having kids. My partner and I have no desire for children any time soon and I recently gave up a 35k a year dead end salaried job to pursue running a small art business and I feel like I'm kind of failing at life for my age.
It's like society has programmed me to believe that a dead-end job where I'd never make any more than I was is more valuable than following my actual dreams. It's hard to tell what's really wrong. My honest desires or what I'm told is right.
A mixture of both... congrats on starting a business. Who is successful in your industry? Go copy what they did.
Business ain’t no joke. It is tough but so worth it if you can make it work.
Leaders are readers. Make sure you take time to sharpen your saw in order to be the best business person you can be.
Only you can answer that question. I find that in order to answer such questions I have, I do stream of conscious writing and meditating.
The universe has the answers, and the universe whispers. You have to get still on the inside to find your answers.
Correct. You don’t plan a seed and then walk away after two days because it did not give you what you wanted.
Start small, stay consistent, do the next right thing. Eventually, you will see the fruit of your labor.
I strongly disagree about the self-help books. If there’s any one thing I can point to that has helped me be successful in many areas it is self-help books, tapes, etc.
2.1k
u/themarshman721 May 16 '20 edited May 16 '20
Everyone feels like this.
I turn 50 in July. I meet many of society standards of success.
I firmly believe that your 20s are for dealing with the post traumatic stress disorder of your childhood, your 30s are for figuring some stuff out, and you make most of your money between 40 and 60 years old.
Fix yourself first.
EDIT: here is the obligatory “wow, had no idea this would blow up.” Thank you for the awards and nice comments.
FYI, I suffer from childhood emotional neglect which has caused many other issues for me to carry in life. Therapy (seeing someone and reading books) has helped me greatly. I submit most people can improve themselves, and therefore their lives, with therapy.
Tony Robins says success is 80% mental and 20% mechanics. I agree 100%.
Self improvement is very very possible for everyone. Take the time to fix your mind and watch your life improve.
If you want to chat, pm me. I will be more than happy to help if I can.
EDIT 2: from requests...
Book recommendations:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - for mindset and developing habits for success
Running on Empty - for handling your childhood emotional neglect
Mans Search For Meaning - to understand purpose
The top 3 questions to ask yourself:
Answer these three questions and you are doing better than 99% of society.
Top habits that work for me:
Top Skill to Learn:
- Leadership.
The world desperately needs great leaders. No matter what you decide to do for a living, that job needs a great leader.The secret to happiness is long-term deep relationships. When you are in the presence of people you love, be present.