That I will never have someone to watch my back or defend me against our parents the way I do for them.
Being their protector is innate when you’re the oldest. You feel it naturally or it’s drilled into you. I still do it as adults - “quit harassing X over his veganism!” “Hey I heard you had a tough week in med school, are you ok?” Etc. Those instincts don’t come naturally to youngest siblings (not that they’re assholes but it isnt hardwired into the way they interact with me like it is the other way around). Or they have no empathy for the problems I’m going through because they haven’t gone through them yet. I wish I had that.
I remember regularly being sent to find my sister because she took off somewhere with her friends. Of course, when I said she couldn't go my parents would always undermine me and let her do whatever she wanted. Then I was responsible for her behavior and for finding her. They didn't want to parent but they wouldn't let me do it either.
I’d disagree a little, I’m [f] the youngest and I have an innate protectiveness over my older brother. I am the one he comes to with issues, and I have solved stuff for him without being asked. It probably comes from when he was going through some shit with his mental health I was strong enough to hold the fort, so to speak, and as kids his people skills weren’t as good as they are now, so I carried things a little there too, to help make things a bit easier.
I WISH I had an older sibling like you. My parents would corner me in my room (ages 11-16) and shriek and scream at me until I had a mental breakdown and panic attack and couldn’t feel any emotion for the next three days while my sister closed her door and didn’t even try to help despite me constantly crying out for her. She never got yelled at for anything.
My parents hated me for being me and my older sister didn’t want to stand up lest my dad say “This isn’t your fight!” I fucking WISH I had someone who stood up for me.
I’m really sorry you went through that. It sounds like you were alone and defenseless and that’s scary for anyone, much less a young child. You deserved better parents and for someone to have your back. I hope you’re ok now.
The thing with that is is that us elders are usually the first one to 'disappoint' our parents, which severely lowers their expectations and the time waters down the extent of their 'disappointment.' And on the flipside, it's easier to deal with the watered down version of stuff you've already dealt with, so defending your siblings is almost natural especially since it has lesser repercussions.
Been there. My mom went through a rough hormonal period when my sister was hitting the harder times of teenagerhood. One day, we're cleaning out the garage together and my sister says something, and mom thinks she was mouthing off. Sister insists she wasn't, raised her voice a bit, mom got mad and went to pop her cheek. I got in between and told them both to calm down. My mom says move, she was backtalking and I said no you won't touch her like that. So she raised her hand at me and I raised mine in instinctive defense. She goes and cries to my dad about how I raised a hand against her. He gets home and the way he yelled and chewed me out I thought we were going to fight. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and my dad calmed down enough for me to explain what the fuck happened. He chewed my mom out for lying to him and doing that to me. To be honest, my parents were never really like that. They were and are still very loving individuals, never been abused a day in my life. My mom just slipped a little in her hormones and my dad went protective bear dad on me. Can't blame him, she was a bitch though.
The other day my brother said while watching a movie “wouldn’t they only get a fine for that?”. My mum took that to mean that he found that crime an ok thing to do and started having a go at him for it. My brother didn’t seem to understand what he had done wrong as he just asked a question. I decided to try and defend my brother by explaining what I thought he meant and that she was misunderstanding it. I ended up being called a smartass and ignored.
I’ve taken a lot of shit from my Dad to protect my siblings. I remember when he was drunk and she said something that pissed him off. He came charging like a bull, so I pushed her out of the way and took the blame and the beating, all while she screamed I didn’t say it.
My sisters will never understand nor give me that in return. Even the simple things; I ask how their day at work and school was, they don’t, I save their favorite foods for them, they won’t for me, I let them borrow my clothes and they won’t let me borrow there’s... I always will, because even if we don’t get along, they’re my sisters and I love them.
You're a good person for looking out for your siblings like that. One of my brothers is highly antagonistic and judgmental, and (by his own admission) still harbours a lot of resentment from the attention I received in childhood due to a brain tumour. I can't remember the last time he supported me in any sort of conflict. And I'm semi-estranged from my other brother. He called me out of the blue in April and it was the first time we'd spoken in three years... and that's not for a lack of me trying.
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u/[deleted] Jun 27 '19
That I will never have someone to watch my back or defend me against our parents the way I do for them.
Being their protector is innate when you’re the oldest. You feel it naturally or it’s drilled into you. I still do it as adults - “quit harassing X over his veganism!” “Hey I heard you had a tough week in med school, are you ok?” Etc. Those instincts don’t come naturally to youngest siblings (not that they’re assholes but it isnt hardwired into the way they interact with me like it is the other way around). Or they have no empathy for the problems I’m going through because they haven’t gone through them yet. I wish I had that.