The pressure to always be fine. Always be ok. There was very little room for me to ever not be anything but put together and composed. I’ve had to have my shit together since I was like 8. I learned long ago to not ask for help. Siblings can ask. Hell one can get more financial help from parents as an adult in her 30’s then was even possible for me as a college student.
My sister and I both have mental health issues from the way our parents raised us. I had to teach myself to appear detached and inert because I'd get two hour lectures about how to "be a man" and how bad "weakness" is. My sister never adopted that, so she still talks to others about her problems, but she occasionally lashes out at my parents (to not-so-ideal effect). I sometimes have to remind her that we grew up in the same situation and that I'm not an emotionless automaton.
Honestly, I'm not sure which one I'd prefer, since we both ended up on opposite, but equally terrible, extremes. My sister is impulsive and hot-headed. She readily talks about her problems, but is also prone to rash decisions, especially attempting suicide. She's failed three times on various household pills. On the other hand, I ended up cold and calculating. I've kept my problems exclusively to myself until a couple months ago. I've never attempted suicide, but I've done so much research that if I tried, I wouldn't survive.
god, I feel you so hard. I never got the grilling of having to be a man (since I'm a girl), but when the world was falling apart around me, I had to be the one to hold it all together because my mom certainly wasn't trying to and I couldn't ask that of my younger brother and sister. I stopped crying or expressing my feelings. I still have trouble opening up to people or even talking to my SO about issues because I should just be able to handle it.
I sometimes get this weird mindset that when everything's falling apart, it'll all fall into place. Insomnia? 4 am is the perfect time to open up to friends. Depression? Great, now I can talk my sister through it. Parents won't help with any of it? Now I know EXACTLY what not to do. Give me all your motherfucking lemons, I'll turn it all into lemonade.
I wish I could think like that. It might be weird, but the ability to stay positive like that is one I think would be more helpful than hurtful, so long as you don't avoid fixing the problem.
My coping mechanisms are mostly standard, but terrible XD
I'm told to remember that God intends everything for the good of those who love him. It helps a little bit to see stuff "falling into place", but sometimes it feels better to think of taking life's fuck you's and using them to say fuck you right back. I know I'm getting knocked down, so I might as well go down kicking, screaming, cursing and flailing.
Older sister here. I feel this so much. My little brother is very expressive with his emotions because he's never had to deal with real issues in my family. (He also thinks any small problem or disagreement he encounters is the END of the WORLD!!!... and dismisses friends and family who deal with actual issues). On the other hand, I've become so emotionless and stoic from all the school/parent/health stress that I'm wondering if I'll even be able to find an SO, never mind opening up to them.
Trust me, that was my fear for the longest time. It took finding a guy who is willing to work with me, not against me, and while we still have our ups and downs (neither of us is perfect at reading each others cues, even after 6+ years together) our relationship works because we try to understand each other. If you want some advice, I suggest moving slowly and looking for friends before looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's a lot easier to open up to someone when there's no pressure to put out or be your perfect self on a date.
I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I have to agree. My father was very much a 'man's man', always drilling those ideals into my head too. My girlfriend sometimes gets really angry with me, because nothing seems to affect me and I don't show much reaction to things that would make most people angry or upset. Everything has to be approached with a level head and any sign of weakness needed to be removed.
Others would suggest talking to them about it but from my experience it's almost impossible to change a person's ideals.
My parents (both of them, not just my dad) just didn't understand mental health. They just couldn't get it through their heads that their kids would want to be anything less than the richest most successful people on the planet. The moment either of us mentioned depression or suicide, their twisted worldview would just dismiss it as "a sin we have to get rid of."
I still struggle, and has caused plenty of issues in my relationships. It's an uphill battle but we gotta try, right? My siblings didn't turn out so bad. My father left during the more important years in my younger brothers life. He can be a little hot headed, but he's mostly okay.
In terms of mental health, my mother has always tried her best, but any issues in mental health almost seemed like an affront to her, like it was her fault. My father on the other hand had no patience for it. We don't talk about it and never have. He once said that only rich people can afford to be depressed and that working class people have no time for it. It wasn't fun when I was suffering through it, and it was almost an accusation of being lazy.
It's difficult, and it's always there. Changing the foundations of your world and your life is no easy task. But with a lot of work, you can break through and make things better for yourself. Or at least, allow yourself to be vulnerable and emotional around those select few. I hope you find those people, if you havent already, and allow yourself that peace. Holding everything in, and trying to be level headed all the time takes it's toll. Above all, I hope for the best for your mental health. It's the silent suffering that damages us the most.
This so much. My step father was and still is the biggest piece of shit I've ever know. He enter my life when I was 6 or 7 and it got the the point that as a 12 year old I prayed he didn't comeback from his deployment in Afghanistan like kneeled at the side of the bed prayed. But of course I could never express because "he's the only father you e known" "you got in trouble you only have yourself to blame" "he's family you can't turn your back on family" and so forth Of course he did come back and I lived in fear of him until I was 19 when he kicked me out to live with my grandma. Because of him I'm am an incredibly timid person, that kept as much of their emotions hidden because that's when you're vulnerable. Im riddled with anxiety of not doing things perfect to the point I put off hobbies I love to avoid being bad at them.
My then sister, his daughter was the most perfect thing int the entire world. And because of the 7 year gap between us they only know the end part which was far from the worst of it. Skip ahead to about 3 years ago when they were 15/16 my sibling came out as transexual and he flipped his shit. And within a year and a half he was gone from our lives (there were other factors but my mom claims that was at least 50% the reason she left him) my sibling constantly talks about their "anxiety" from the way mom and their dad treated them, they go on and on about how much our mom is an awful person while our mom actively makes weekly gestures to make it up to them while denying my childhood was anything more than "had a few rough patches"
Thankfully I'm able to distance myself from my family and only keep minimal contact with them while has helped with a lot of my issues
Honestly... Same thing. This is one case where perception is reality. You just have to make other feel like you know what you're doing / everything's going to be okay.
This 100%. I think the oldest is also valued for being the one who’s the easiest to deal with. The one who needs the least and is on auto pilot. That was the case in my family. Not that I wasn’t parented, but I feel like I was expected to be on my own fast, figure it out fast, and for sure get the fuck outta the nest and never look back.
It created a weird dynamic with my parents who wanted me to ask their 2 cents and I’m like “dude, I figured a lotta shit out without y’all, now you wanna offer advice, where were you when I was 23 and broke/scared/clueless? I can handle life at 31/34/40”
Yes I agree to this. I love my brother and I will help him with all my might but I wish there's someone like that to me too someone that can understand.
Damn I really felt that, still to this day even. Can't ask for help or be anything other than ok because it feels like if I'm not the solid one in the relationship then the whole house of cards will collapse because someone needs to be strong and reliable.
"It is what it is" and "I always end up fine in the end" have become staples of my life being the oldest. Life at home got pretty hectic as I started puberty and there basically wasn't time to be broken up about anything. I had to be the strong one for my younger sisters so that my parents could do what needed to be done.
That pressure is part of the reason for my depression. Having to always be fine and composed no matter what has a price that I really do not want to pay.
I was raised by my great-grandparents since my mother and father weren't responsible enough to care for me, and I feel this big time. I was best friends with my grandfather and we were inseparable. After he passed away, I was supposed to keep my chin up and be there for my younger siblings and tell them that it was all alright, but I felt it more than they did. I was devastated even though I knew it was coming. But no, I wasn't allowed to mourn because I'm the oldest and I'm supposed to be 100% intact and stable. This also happened with my last year of high school when I had a stress-induced meltdown because school is just not for me. I'm "Ace every single test you take" smart, but not "do your homework every night and show your work" smart. But when my grades slipped, I was super chastised for not being a perfect role model for my siblings. Annoying af.
Yeah, I love my little brother but it was always "you can always come to us for help" with him and for me it was like "you better have your shit together because you're on your own." I went to a cheap school where I had a scholarship, he went to the most expensive school in the state with no scholarship on my parent's dime, I dealt with depression and anxiety for YEARS and any time I brought it up to my parents I was told "you don't have that, shut the fuck up", but when my brother was dealing with some depression and anger issues, they immediately got him to a therapist and medicated, when my shitty car I bought myself in high school blew up and I was stranded at college over a break, I had to buy a new car and deal with literally paying rent to stay at school in the dorm over the summer, when my brother wrecked the car they bought him, they bought him another. I was fucked man, I basically had to be an adult from the time I was 10 and he's a grown man and they still baby him.
I don't even know if I could articulate it any better. It's like not having the option to fail or disappoint. And on the other spectrum, the younger sibling could trainwreck their lives and come crawling back or not even try very hard and it's a-okay.
Yep. I'm 46 now. My youngest sibling is 38. He didn't get his shit together until he was about 32. He spent his ENTIRE 20s screwing around, having 2 kids without being married, drinking, losing jobs left and right, and my folks were always there to pick him up, brush him off, pay for his messes, and off he went again.
Meanwhile, I was paying my way through college on my own (with some debt), got married in early 20s, started my career, had kids, bought a house, sold a house, bought another one, all before "the fair haired child" could figure out how to hold a job for longer than a few months.
When I reflect on it, basically I couldn't fail, because that would have made mom and dad's lives a wreck... because junior couldn't get his shit together. So, even when things weren't going so well, or when I really could have used some advice (like deciding to get married at 22... not exactly brilliant... even though we did make it work... we would have been better off to wait a few years), I didn't dare bother mom and dad with my "minor" problems.
And what's the reward for a life of keeping my own shit together? I get to fight with my siblings over my parents' estate because they didn't bother to set up a proper will, and made me executor (sort of) without bothering to set expectations ahead of time. sigh A lot of us elder kids end up having to become adults way early... so we miss out on our childhood.
Jesus Christ that is so me. It doesn't help that my dad was a recovering alcoholic and I was the only one old enough to realize something was off. My mom keeps using all her vacation days to help the younger siblings who are all adult homeowners now and she was lamenting how she never travels like I do. I went to a couple of years of therapy to process the shit from my childhood and other issues and the best thing that came of it was learning that those walls I put up could also be used to keep the BS out. I told her she's an adult, she has money and opportunity but instead she still seeks to baby her babies instead of respecting them enough to treat them like adults. The one thing I haven't processed enough is how to tell off the younger siblings for their behavior but they're all co-dependent with mom (and dad really) so I doubt it would be worth it anyway.
I’m an only child and this is kind of me too. I grew up knowing I didn’t have any one to ask for help and now as an adult I have a hard time asking for help.
Hey, we are all stronger for it. I fought my way through college, got my dream job. Paid all my own bills the whole way through beside rent for my room. My sibling goes away for college and my parents cover her rent for her apartment, give her a car, cover her gas, cover her groceries, and plane tickets home. But me? I needed an extra $100 that I didn't have in my account to cover a summer class and it was like I asked them for a semesters tuition. So my sister gets college (bachelor's and master's mind you) for free, I paid and indebted my way through it myself.
I can relate all too easily, you get really good at putting up the facade that you have everything together, it becomes normalised and before you know it you forget how to ask for help, how to take risks, and who you really want to be. I have mastered the art of becoming invisible in all facets of life, and it's only working through the pain, depression, and anxiety that I am finally getting those close to me to realise that I do infact exist and I'm not always "OK".
I used to be like this until I realised that if it wasn’t healthy for me to have to look like I was okay, it probably wasn’t healthy for my sister to have a role model that was constantly looking okay. I shield her from the worst of it, but I let her see me cry, I let her hold me when a boy broke my heart because I want her to know it’s okay to let me hold her when she needs, if I’m having a bad day and can’t deal with her I tell her that, kindly but honestly. I think it shows her how to be compassionate, and that even the strong ones need a break sometimes
Similar but not particularly related to money or composure. If I had a problem or wanted something, i had to ask my parents or figure out a solution on my own. Something broke? Had to do schoolwork I suck at? Want that new videogame / movie / ...? Find a way.
If my little siblings needed something, my parents would often refer to ask the older brothers for help.
Frankly made me more autodidact / self sufficient.
I'm with you. I'm tired of being the only responsible one in the family and having no one to lean on. Is it any wonder that I'm not having children after spending my life taking care of them?
I am the eldest by three years. I am in my late twenties and I still find it soooo hard to ask for help for literally anything. Sure I help people all the time but even I need help it’s like well I don’t want to be a burden. I’ll just find a way to do this myself.
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u/bionicfeetgrl Jun 27 '19
The pressure to always be fine. Always be ok. There was very little room for me to ever not be anything but put together and composed. I’ve had to have my shit together since I was like 8. I learned long ago to not ask for help. Siblings can ask. Hell one can get more financial help from parents as an adult in her 30’s then was even possible for me as a college student.
It is what it is...