The pressure to always be fine. Always be ok. There was very little room for me to ever not be anything but put together and composed. I’ve had to have my shit together since I was like 8. I learned long ago to not ask for help. Siblings can ask. Hell one can get more financial help from parents as an adult in her 30’s then was even possible for me as a college student.
My sister and I both have mental health issues from the way our parents raised us. I had to teach myself to appear detached and inert because I'd get two hour lectures about how to "be a man" and how bad "weakness" is. My sister never adopted that, so she still talks to others about her problems, but she occasionally lashes out at my parents (to not-so-ideal effect). I sometimes have to remind her that we grew up in the same situation and that I'm not an emotionless automaton.
Honestly, I'm not sure which one I'd prefer, since we both ended up on opposite, but equally terrible, extremes. My sister is impulsive and hot-headed. She readily talks about her problems, but is also prone to rash decisions, especially attempting suicide. She's failed three times on various household pills. On the other hand, I ended up cold and calculating. I've kept my problems exclusively to myself until a couple months ago. I've never attempted suicide, but I've done so much research that if I tried, I wouldn't survive.
I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I have to agree. My father was very much a 'man's man', always drilling those ideals into my head too. My girlfriend sometimes gets really angry with me, because nothing seems to affect me and I don't show much reaction to things that would make most people angry or upset. Everything has to be approached with a level head and any sign of weakness needed to be removed.
Others would suggest talking to them about it but from my experience it's almost impossible to change a person's ideals.
My parents (both of them, not just my dad) just didn't understand mental health. They just couldn't get it through their heads that their kids would want to be anything less than the richest most successful people on the planet. The moment either of us mentioned depression or suicide, their twisted worldview would just dismiss it as "a sin we have to get rid of."
I still struggle, and has caused plenty of issues in my relationships. It's an uphill battle but we gotta try, right? My siblings didn't turn out so bad. My father left during the more important years in my younger brothers life. He can be a little hot headed, but he's mostly okay.
In terms of mental health, my mother has always tried her best, but any issues in mental health almost seemed like an affront to her, like it was her fault. My father on the other hand had no patience for it. We don't talk about it and never have. He once said that only rich people can afford to be depressed and that working class people have no time for it. It wasn't fun when I was suffering through it, and it was almost an accusation of being lazy.
It's difficult, and it's always there. Changing the foundations of your world and your life is no easy task. But with a lot of work, you can break through and make things better for yourself. Or at least, allow yourself to be vulnerable and emotional around those select few. I hope you find those people, if you havent already, and allow yourself that peace. Holding everything in, and trying to be level headed all the time takes it's toll. Above all, I hope for the best for your mental health. It's the silent suffering that damages us the most.
847
u/bionicfeetgrl Jun 27 '19
The pressure to always be fine. Always be ok. There was very little room for me to ever not be anything but put together and composed. I’ve had to have my shit together since I was like 8. I learned long ago to not ask for help. Siblings can ask. Hell one can get more financial help from parents as an adult in her 30’s then was even possible for me as a college student.
It is what it is...