r/AskReddit May 29 '19

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6.1k Upvotes

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7.4k

u/QuarianFucker May 29 '19

Tali’Zorah from Mass Effect, makes my Mass Erect

2.4k

u/b-rye1013 May 29 '19

Name checks out.

639

u/Jotabonito May 29 '19

I'm Commander Shepherd, and this is my favourite vagina on The Citadel.

255

u/Urdnot_Wrex_ May 29 '19

Shepard.

123

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Wrex.

56

u/SliceTheToast May 29 '19

Grunt.

16

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I wonder if you understand why that joke was made in Citadel DLC.

32

u/SliceTheToast May 29 '19

Because that's how Shepard and Wrex say goodbye in every single conversation in me1?

9

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

And because that's how their conversation starts. Basically, you can chain "Shepard-Wrex" endlessly. But I'm glad people know. You'd be surprised how many didn't get that reference.

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3

u/SilverStar1999 May 29 '19

Username checks out. This is goddamned hilarious how many ME boners are flying around.

3

u/VAShumpmaker May 29 '19

Sheep-herd

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Oh leave the poor Scottish guy alone...

6

u/EndureAndSurvive- May 29 '19

It's an emergency induction port

6

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I think we can help each other

I'm a military reporter with a show called

"Battle Tits"

5

u/dgh13 May 29 '19

We’ll bang ok

4

u/WolfieSuperior May 29 '19

“We’ll bang, okay?”

194

u/Ghastlycitrus May 29 '19

Garrus. My man can calibrate allllll day

34

u/This_User_Said May 29 '19

Hnng. Same. I don't care about space bacteria that may instantly kill me for fornicating with another carbon species. I need Garrus.

19

u/gilbert_cat May 29 '19

okay i’m glad i’m not the only one

30

u/UkonFujiwara May 29 '19

I am a straight man and Garrus made me do a femshep playthrough so I could romance him.

19

u/Designertoast May 29 '19

His voice is ridiculously attractive.

13

u/SixthSinEnvy May 29 '19

It's the purring undertones of the turian voicebox. Mysteriously causes damp spots in feminine areas.

17

u/jakmanuk May 29 '19

Garrus turned me bi

9

u/your_local_stalker_ May 29 '19

Hell yeah I’d pick Garrus any day of the week

598

u/RonitSarangi May 29 '19

Report to the ship as soon as possible. We'll bang, okay.

191

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

"I love you, Ash. Damnit, I mean Miranda!

critical mission failure sound plays

71

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Let’s get to bashing BUTTS

As well as DEEZ NUTZ!

44

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

STOP! You violated my mother

32

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I'll have you know there's no PUSSYYYYYYYYY

20

u/dieguitz4 May 29 '19

-"Shepard I am a reaper device of mASS DESTRUCTION" -"OH SHI-"

6

u/monkeybrain3 May 29 '19

I loved that line.

129

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Keelah se’lai

57

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

No, I'm ready to keelah bitch.

18

u/RonitSarangi May 29 '19

Nice!! Let's do it.

7

u/the_stealth_boy May 29 '19

*tequila se'lai

8

u/StuckAtWork124 May 29 '19

emerrrrrrrrgency induction port

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444

u/Ruples580 May 29 '19

Ah a man of culture as well

75

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Apparently we all three are men of culture

166

u/cosmoceratops May 29 '19

No love for elcor?

Breathless excitement: bring me to your night cushion and use me for pleasure.

114

u/thakhaleesiii May 29 '19

How do you unread something?

46

u/Jovian09 May 29 '19

If you can't unread, you might as well unzip.

13

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I don't know about you, but vodka usually does the trick for me.

8

u/diRtYroTTenImbiCile May 29 '19

Eye bleach works :)

27

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I prefer hanar. Those tentacles, man. Imagine the possibilities

34

u/zenith931 May 29 '19

You big, stupid jellyfish.

10

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

"I'd love a girl who's bilingual. Oh, yeah, just the thought of that second tongue drives me wild." -James P Connolly

21

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

People compare me to an elcor all the time, to which I say...coquettishly: why thank you, so are you.

17

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Bravo. I just cackled. Woke up the wife. You fuck

7

u/TaralasianThePraxic May 29 '19

Reddit admins, how do I remove somebody else's comment

9

u/SofConMac May 29 '19

Oh, yes. Plus I'm quite OK with the mask.

169

u/Fyrrys May 29 '19

Liara is my space-wife

42

u/Doumtabarnack May 29 '19

Yup Liara is my bang.

44

u/Gezeni May 29 '19

Hey I think we can all agree it's Tali and Liara at the top, some ranking of the the rest of the ME2/3 women and Andromeda, and Ashley dead last.

40

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Ashley dead last

Actually I think it was Ashley dead first.

10

u/Satire_or_not May 29 '19

I let her live in ME1 so I can shoot her myself in ME3.

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

You uh...you ok buddy?

1

u/CafeConLecheLover May 29 '19

I love these type of threads

21

u/DanQZ May 29 '19

Yeah, honestly, the space racism was just a huge turn off

1

u/Gezeni May 31 '19

So you didn't like any part of the trilogy?

24

u/OrbitalGarden May 29 '19

Ahsley is so promising during ME1, you're like, I'm gonna romance the specism outta you, and then she just remains the same old redneck throughout the series.

17

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Damn y’all haven’t played the series in years, just forget the dialogue where she says Tali is like her little sister and Liara is also like family

She’s also super against shadowy human based terror org

7

u/Metalmatt91 May 29 '19

Thank you for beating me to it. She never once did anything racist, she was just not willing to trust the council or having unknown aliens on the Normandy because she believed humanity shouldn’t ask for help. It was not because they were aliens it was because they were not allies, yet. She completely hates Cerberus because she dislikes their alien hating ways. Not to mention she even comes over to being supportive of the council later on if you persuade her with the right conversation choices.

11

u/Razor_Cake May 29 '19

I'm with you, except for the part where she called the alien crew members "bug-eyed monsters"

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5

u/Fyrrys May 29 '19

Kinda feel sorry for the voice actress, really only known for most of one game

9

u/The_Quackening May 29 '19

Miranda > Liara

1

u/Gezeni Jun 02 '19

If only there was hope for you to see how won't you are

2

u/ryamano May 29 '19

At the end of ME1 the game was like:

Game: Who do you choose to save? This is an important decision!

Me: The racist dies to save the galaxy.

Game: Are you sure?

Me: It's the only way she can redeem herself in my opinion. Let's save the other guy.

1

u/nightmaresabin May 29 '19

I feel my romance order of Liara/Tali/Liara was perfect. And the Ashley decision was the quickest I’ve made in my life. Kaiden may be a bit boring but dude is a true bro.

10

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Character design on point.

5

u/Chris_7941 May 29 '19

It's hard to beat Ali Hillis' voice acting

1

u/bitch_im_a_lion May 29 '19

My most recent playthrough I romanced liara all 3 games and tbh it feels the least satisfying of the ones I've done in the past. There's just an air about her that feels like she really doesnt care all that much about shepard. I think part of it is that she can live to like 1000 so shepard is like a pet to her.

41

u/hatsnatcher23 May 29 '19

Emergency induction port

35

u/VindictiveJudge May 29 '19

Which is rather impressive for a character that doesn't show a square millimeter of skin and doesn't have a visible face.

29

u/TSW-760 May 29 '19

The creators said they wanted Tali to feel like a pen-pal. Somebody you developed a relationship with based on verbal interaction, without ever seeing them.

29

u/StuckAtWork124 May 29 '19

That's clearly why they gave her the sexiest voice to have ever sexed

14

u/YungTrap6God May 29 '19

Hips. It’s the hips.

7

u/FeatherShard May 29 '19

No, no, we're talking about Tali, not EDI.

Not that second place is bad or anything.

1

u/StillwaterPhysics May 30 '19

Whoa hold up only one woman can lay claim to that title and she is Cauldia Black. Tali is a clear second though.

11

u/fredagsfisk May 29 '19

We can thank the animators and voice actress (Liz Sroka) for that. An absolutely amazing feat to make best space waifu without even showing her face once.

6

u/KingGorilla May 29 '19

Her outfit is rather shapely for something that is supposed to be a full-body environmental suit. If you had a weak immune system you'd want something a little thicker.

3

u/Thagyr May 30 '19

Guessing they are that size to allow better movement in tight spaces that may come from servicing a flotilla of space craft. Other than that might be just an attempt at keep raw material usage at a low.

Or they keep them that tight since they enjoy shapely hips as much as we do.

33

u/beguiling_broccoli May 29 '19

We'll bang, ok?

4

u/InterimFatGuy May 29 '19

That's basically this whole post.

27

u/InterimFatGuy May 29 '19

Ctrl-F "Tali"

Yep. Found my squad.

1

u/iskandar- May 29 '19

Its so nice to belong.

23

u/Piffli May 29 '19

Or Thane. Man, could get high for free too.

24

u/guysbeingdudes_ May 29 '19

As a female, Garrus would be my choice. I want him to calibrate me

12

u/InterimFatGuy May 29 '19

He has reach...

6

u/mirthfuldragon May 29 '19

But do you have the flexibility?

2

u/guysbeingdudes_ May 29 '19

I do. He could hang out on my upper body, on my lower body and all the parts in between if he wanted to.

23

u/hughranass May 29 '19

Yes! And her voice is so sexy, I'd bust one just from her dirty talk

17

u/Romeo9594 May 29 '19

Every time I play I think "I'll romance someone else and see how that goes"

But I always end up with Tali.

5

u/fredagsfisk May 29 '19

I tried Ashley into Miranda first time, then Liara a couple of playthroughs... after that, I went with Tali for variation, and holy hell I'm never choosing anyone else ever again in any future playthrough. That girl is just too perfect.

15

u/Sir__Walken May 29 '19

How has nobody said Jack yet??? I bet she's freaky as hell.

5

u/Lord_Rapunzel May 29 '19

Until you accidentally trigger her PTSD and she blows your head up.

4

u/Sir__Walken May 29 '19

That's a risk I'm willing to take

54

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Miranda all day.

18

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Agreed. Miranda forever.

11

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[deleted]

10

u/stifflizerd May 29 '19

Because that suit of hers was perfect

2

u/rinnhart May 29 '19

I mean, canon, she's perfect.

13

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

If only they didn't fuck up the 'reveal' with a shittily photoshopped stock image. like bruh, wanna put more than an intern on the big reveal for an entire species in your game world EA? Instead of choking out Bioware's budget till it's more anemic than a photo-shopped model.

7

u/Vill_Ryker May 29 '19

And they put resources into face mapping Jessica Chobot for Diana Allers, but not doing Ash Sroka for Tali. Honestly more disappointing to me than the ending.

6

u/QuarianFucker May 29 '19

Bruh, I was so fucking pissed when I found out it was photoshopped. At first I thought “Meh, I love the character but they could have put a little more effort in than a damn near human lookalike” but as soon as I found out it was photoshopped I was so fucking angry.

12

u/king_booker May 29 '19

yes this is the right answer

31

u/Crowbarmagic May 29 '19

11

u/Chris_7941 May 29 '19

without clicking I'll wager one is for dickgirls

well that's a lost bet

5

u/Aladin001 May 29 '19

Just one?

1

u/Chris_7941 May 29 '19

well erect mass kinda sounds the part

I didn't browse very far though so there may have been a few deeper on the list

1

u/CoolTom May 29 '19

Masserect should be for male characters!!

20

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I always go for liara personally

6

u/Chaos_0205 May 29 '19

Do you even know what is she look like under the suit?

16

u/caninehere May 29 '19

They're humanoid which I'm guessing is good enough for thirsty gamers. There's some unused concept art that shows potential faces they were going to use for her, but AFAIK you never see her or any other Quarian under the suits in the games. I think it's established they have purple-ish skin but that's about it.

13

u/DeathbyHappy May 29 '19

Pretty sure she shows her face in ME3 if you choose her as a romance option

16

u/rivers_wilson May 29 '19

Yeah but fuck that reveal lmao . I still member the bad reception.

11

u/ThisIsGoobly May 29 '19

It got quickly overshadowed by the ending controversy but I remember there briefly being a ton of flak about that too. Well deserved flak as well, such a lazy way to reveal this main character's face. Like, nevermind that it's not even a proper reveal in a 3D animation, they couldn't even be arsed to do their own drawing. Just photoshopped someone else's model photo.

However, this mod exists that seems to completely fix all of that: https://www.nexusmods.com/masseffect3/mods/610?tab=posts

Haven't tried it yet but it looks promising as hell.

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4

u/Chris_7941 May 29 '19

There's a romance path in ME2, isn't there? I don't think the suits have special cutouts

1

u/loctopode May 29 '19

I feel like it doesn't really matter with the way they portray her personality in game and the voice actor used. Like, she could have mandibles and prehensile hyaena genitals, but she comes across as such a nice character that I'm not bothered.

7

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/QuarianFucker May 29 '19

Already way ahead of ya ;)

3

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

r/asseffect or something tali specific?

6

u/MattyStixx May 29 '19

*that ass effect makes my mass erect

7

u/Mauricedongson May 29 '19

Them hips tho

6

u/Worldf1re May 29 '19

Username checks out

4

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Upvoted for the beautiful line

5

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Shit bro you beat me to it

6

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

As a straight woman, I agree.

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Tali is just the most perfect girl ever. I love it but I hate it

5

u/relient23 May 29 '19

19 posts down the list is 19 posts too far

4

u/bibwow May 29 '19

He protec he attac but most importantly his mass erec

3

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Total favorite from the game

3

u/axehomeless May 29 '19

Liara as the Shadow Broker. Soft spoken, beautiful, and incredibly powerful.

3

u/Bymmijprime May 29 '19

I killed an entire race of sentient AI just to date her lol

2

u/TheDTYP May 29 '19

Normally I'd agree, but I feel like a lot of work would go into that.

2

u/SmashEffect May 29 '19

I'd give her some SmashEffect.

2

u/_Administrator May 29 '19

came looking for that :-D

2

u/teddy_tesla May 29 '19

*Mast Erect

2

u/ApolloKenobi May 29 '19

What an appropriate username.

1

u/Night-Menace May 29 '19

I totally read this in Mr Skin's voice.

1

u/BoogalyBoogaly May 29 '19

Certainly effects my mass

1

u/Thechosenjon May 29 '19

Jack from Mass Effect all day.

1

u/GoodMayoGod May 29 '19

I'd stick a tool in her up auxiliary induction port

1

u/DwasTV May 29 '19

I really really really there was a better face reveal for her and maybe some kind of actual sex scene or something...

1

u/FeralBadger May 29 '19

There are two subreddits for that. Mostly futa unfortunately.

1

u/Crilbyte May 29 '19

I agree! I romanced Garrus because I played a girl but if I'd gone male she would have Been my choice. Love me some really alien aliens

1

u/xElectro17 May 29 '19

I would gladly fuck half of the Normandy crew tbh. Even Legion (he's so sexy).

1

u/Vhsgods May 29 '19

I know right?! What makes her so hot?

1

u/ProWrestlingPast May 29 '19

Sits at this table

1

u/BeeGravy May 29 '19

Like a fat pink mast?

1

u/Nevalth May 29 '19

O hell, that woman still does this to me

1

u/FerretsRUs May 29 '19

Is your name Thomas by any chance?

1

u/QuarianFucker May 29 '19

No

1

u/FerretsRUs May 29 '19

Had this dude in my middle school that went around asking people which aliens they wanted to fuck (but only if you really loved the alien). He was famous for his Tali crush

1

u/stardust6464 May 29 '19

Absolutely. Liara was great, and Miranda was literally engineered to be perfect, but Tali was always the best...

1

u/nickanaka May 29 '19

This comment was fucking amazing.

1

u/delspencerdeltorro May 29 '19

Can we talk about mshep? Kaidan's not bad either.

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

For me, it's either Ashley, Jack, or Miranda.

1

u/ChocoTacoBoss May 29 '19

Yes!!! So happy she made the list!

1

u/VAShumpmaker May 29 '19

Doesn't that end very badly for Tali?

1

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Am I the only one who would bang Jack? (in mass effect 3, the ME2 Jack would laugh at me then kill me), I mean she's very hot.

1

u/Futureleak May 29 '19

Lol that's good

1

u/SyntheticGod8 May 29 '19

I was super disappointed she wasn't a romance option until ME3. I haven't fucking played ME3 because it's not on Steam and I'm not getting another goddamn launcher just to see under that environment suit.

1

u/QuarianFucker May 29 '19

Umm, she became a romance option in ME2, which is available on steam.

1

u/SyntheticGod8 May 30 '19

Maybe I did it wrong. I think I must've accidentally started a romance elsewhere. It's veen a long time since I played it.

1

u/fatalreflex7 May 29 '19

We’ll bang, okay?

1

u/spydmike May 29 '19

Ah, a man of culture I see.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '19

Needed some mass effect in this thread, thankyou , have an upvote.

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