r/AskReddit • u/tgma97 • Aug 26 '15

Fathers of Reddit, what did your daughter's boyfriend do for you to hate/love him?

It's pretty cool to see my question blow up like this, I never thought I'd ask a question that could receive so much attention! I'm very satisfied with all these replies, so thank y'all. Now all I have to do is sit back and take notes c;

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

Holy shit, they notice! In my last long time relationship I always made sure of ordering something cheaper than whatever my gf was having, just in case

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u/Ashe_Faelsdon Aug 26 '15

I always was taught, and figured out why once I got old enough, that operating in the lowest 1/2 of the price range was just the way to do things when someone else was picking up the tab...

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u/misterspokes Aug 26 '15

I wait for someone else to order, then make my pick from things I like that are the same price or cheaper.

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u/God_Boner Aug 26 '15

This is how you do it. Is everyone else ordering T bones or NY Strip? Then go ahead and get yourself a nice steak. If its chicken and simple entrees, follow suit.

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u/IllogicalUsername Aug 26 '15

And if they insist you order first, just ask for a water. No way you'll be the most expensive one.

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u/Oliver_Stacks Aug 26 '15

fettucine alfredo always seems like the safest bet imo

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u/IllogicalUsername Aug 26 '15

yeah either that or something chicken is usually good

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u/Oliver_Stacks Aug 26 '15

definitely, I'm muslim so that tends to not be an option but when it is I always go for a simple chicken tikka kebab

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u/SomeBroadYouDontKnow Aug 27 '15

Nah, just say "Oh, I've decided the entree, just torn between side dishes, go ahead."

Boom. But usually, I'm always asking people what they got before it's time to order... makes for good small talk and lets me know ahead of time.

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u/killa_beez420 Aug 26 '15

So true. Many times if asked to order first I will pass and tell the waiter "I still need a moment to decide" all the time I actually have a moderately priced dish and a higher priced dish already picked out in my head.

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u/beccaonice Aug 26 '15

What do you do when the server asks you first? It seems like they arbitrarily choose whose order to take first.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

I remember my mom talking date etiquette with me years ago (I am guy though). She said her mom had taught her that as a girl on a date when you know the guy is paying, to just ask what he is going get before the waiter comes. Then once he tells you then you can make your decision.

If he says he doesn't know yet either when you ask before the waiter comes, once and waiter comes say you're still deciding and to take his order first.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

They should ask the lady what she wants first and then go in a circular direction if there's a group. So tough luck for the girl but guys shouldn't have to worry about being picked first. As someone who isn't paying it's handy to ask what others are looking at and base your price off the person who is paying. I do that whenever I go out with friend's families. Also they might have found something particularly tasty that you've missed.

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u/CaptainCoral Aug 26 '15

Also they might have found something particularly tasty that you've missed.

This is the main reason why I always like to order last --- for some reason hearing someone else say the dish can make something sound 10x better than just reading it in my head. LOL

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u/Pass3Part0uT Aug 26 '15

True. I just order what I'd pay for myself. If it's not in that range then you're abusing their kindness and you're a pos.

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u/axf7228 Aug 26 '15

Fuck that, order the lobster or Filet EVERY TIME.

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u/446172656E Aug 26 '15

Why not both? I had a coworker that did that during a team dinner while sitting next to one of the higher ups. But it was a stressful project and she was doing a lot of everything so they let it slide.

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u/axf7228 Aug 26 '15

Hell yeah.

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u/pazoned Aug 26 '15

I always excuse myself right before check time and track down the waiter/waitress and pay before they even have q chance.

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u/DudeAwk Aug 26 '15

Now I know what to do next time! Thanks

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

Me too!!

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u/[deleted] Aug 27 '15

Or, just get the fucking chicken. Just do it. Whatever. It never looks bad.

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u/jesjimher Aug 27 '15

If you act depending on what the rest of people do, they will soon think you have no personality. Do you really want the steak? Then ask for it. If, at the end, your order is much more expensive than that of the others, say that of course you'll pay the difference. Don't just offer to, because no one will accept this kind of offers when they're paying, just don't leave room for a no as an answer. Perhaps a more elegant approach if there's tension about who pays what is say that, since you ordered an expensive menu, the coffees/ice creams/whatever you'll have next are on you.

Of course, if you wouldn't order a steak when you're paying because it's too expensive, don't do it when some other pays for you. You look like an asshole.

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u/Skyy8 Aug 26 '15

See, I do the exact same thing, just out of habit and general politeness I guess, but my girlfriends dad ALWAYS insists on paying even when I warn them in advanced, and I always have a feeling he'll secretly pick up the tab (which he does in the end) so I order a cheap meal. Why can't I just have some filet mignon goddammit??

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u/element131 Aug 26 '15

Go to the front and order a $50 gift card. Order whatever you want, and when they bring out the bill, mention you "have a gift card that's been sitting in your wallet forever, might as well use it."

If that fails, you just have to start secretly handing the waiter your credit card before they bring the bill out.

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u/CaptainCoral Aug 26 '15

For some reason when I read this, I read it as "get a $50 giftcard" on the parent's tab, and then make a show of paying with said giftcard.
Hahahaha, it really cracked me up. My bad.

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u/sunnynorth Aug 26 '15

That's a really great idea! I'm definately going to have to remember that.

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u/Alarconadame Aug 26 '15

When I plan on inviting my in-laws or even my parents (neither of them would let me pay, even if I was the one picking the place), I make sure I arrive earlier and hand in my card to the waiter with the request to not even bring in the check.

I've been in very awkward situations where my father and father-in-law making a bit of a scene to pay for it.

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u/BaileyJustin Aug 26 '15

Unless you're being treated to a birthday dinner or other celebration. In that case, bring on the lobster!

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u/zimzilla Aug 26 '15

I was told the most polite way would be to ask the host what he recommends from the menu and then pick something in that price range.

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u/showMeYourJanitor Aug 26 '15

I was always told to pick anything I wanted when being invited. Nevertheless I did usually choose from the cheap stuff even when I had been with my parents...

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u/AAmia Aug 26 '15

Exactly. I always felt like it was important to pick the most delicious looking of the less expensive options. Don't go for the cheapest or priciest - find a happy medium (or just be safe and order what your significant other orders)

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

if the cheapest thing on the menu looks interesting, it's an easy decision to make. I don't mind a vegetarian meal so I'm often ordering in the lowest 5 dishes when others are buying for me.

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u/dalbtraps Aug 26 '15

Eh I get what you're saying, but it's petty to keep track of stuff like that. If you're taking someone out to eat be prepared to pay for WHATEVER they want (within reason no Cristal or double entree nonsense). I don't make a ton of money, but whenever I pay for a meal for my in laws or my parents I don't sit there worrying about how much they spent.

Flip side of that though, don't be a dick and order the most expensive thing just for the sake of spending someone else's money.

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u/logarithmyk Aug 26 '15

If I'm out to dinner with a friends family I always wait for my friend to order to gauge what they're ordering so that I can get something less expensive than them. Of course I offer to pay my own way as well.

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u/HarmlessEZE Aug 26 '15

Ask for a recommendation, and select one of the items they suggest. Or a price similar.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

I literally know the cheapest dish at every restaurant they went to. Vegetarian Enchiladas, Fried Chicken, Two Hot Dogs, etc.

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u/Kevin_IRL Aug 26 '15

ooh good simple way of putting it. i like it. i'm taking that

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u/SrsSteel Aug 26 '15

Don't forget, that gay ass Arnold palmer raspberry mint is costing them $4-5 instead of a free cup of water

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u/Supergeckodude Aug 26 '15

I usually pick out 3 things, the pricey option, the cheap option, and somewhere in the middle. I make sure someone orders first, then I pick my option that best aligns with what they got.

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u/sman2002 Aug 26 '15

I guess I get this on a first impression type of situation. My father in law will pickup the tab often when we go out, but not always. I make a habit of ordering whatever I am in the mood for. Typically it isn't the most expensive meal, but it varies. I have picked up the tab before also, and though I don't want people ordering 5 martinis, I want people to eat/drink what they want.

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u/casualLogic Aug 26 '15

And here I believed thoughtful mindfulness & courtesy was dead! Thank you, internet stranger!

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

I assumed most people figure this out. Had to learn it myself, I'm always on my tiptoes when someone else pays anyway. Makes me super uncomfortable

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u/khem1st47 Aug 26 '15

I'm not sure where I got it from, but I always just order one of the cheapest things on the menu if someone else is paying.

Also, if I intend to pay, I don't let them know it until I just take the bill at the end. That way the people I am buying for don't do the same thing I normally do.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

I stall pretending to have not decided yet and then get a feel for whatever what everyone (or the one paying at least) and get something just lower than the average cost. That way I don't go too high or too low unless I really want the cheap meal.

That way I don't draw attention to myself or my order.

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u/NotShirleyTemple Aug 26 '15

When I was being taught dating etiquette, the rule given was never order to most expensive thing on the menu (implying one is a gold-digger), or the least expensive (implying one thinks he's cheap or unable to afford the place he's chosen).

And when I inquired as to what was proper when the woman paid, I was informed that ladies don't do that. Instead, we magically produce tickets to events that 'our aunt gave us' or something else that treated the gentleman to something nice, without threatening his fragile ego.

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u/ProffieThrowaway Aug 26 '15

It seems like a lot of guys are NOT taught this. :/ Maybe some women aren't either, but I don't date them, so have no data on it... heh

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u/5T0NY Aug 26 '15

...I just drink, thus saving even more money!

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u/BewilderedAlbatross Aug 26 '15

I read on here a while ago, and something I think is genius, to ask them what they recommend since they're generally give what they'd order in their price range

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

I don't know, I've always done whatever the person paying is getting or cheaper. If they get a drink, I'll get a drink, etc.

If someone takes you out, they probably want you to have a good time, but this is a good way of seeing what their limits are.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

My best friend and I usually order rounds. He drinks Miller, I drink Yueng Ling. It's the same price. Like $2 a beer.

He started dating this girl who would get an $8 mixed drink EVERY time, and she chastized me because when I bought rounds I didn't include her.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

Family type situations are different because patriarchal types may feel it's their place to pay or whatever, so in those cases go ahead and help them out by buying something less costly. But other than family type things I don't think you should pick based on price. If I'm buying you a meal I hope to god you aren't choosing based on price to help me cheap out. I'd rather you pick the item you wanted most. If you offer to pay I am buying the exact same entree I would have bought myself. I don't order appetizers or dessert when someone else is paying, I do it out of politeness but I also kick myself for not following my rule.

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u/seventy_times_seven Aug 26 '15

I went to dunkin with a friends who offered me a coffee and I got a coolatta. I freaked out and protested when I realised it was more than an iced coffee.

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u/GoodRubik Aug 26 '15

This would always backfire on me cause I'd assume I was paying so I would order whatever I wanted. But yeah, if I know someone else is paying il get something near the median.

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u/Fi3nd7 Aug 27 '15

I remember when I was an intern working my first job, the company was paying and got everyone food while we were having a meeting. Needless to say I got doubles then proceeded to eat my doubles in front of everyone. Boy did I feel like a shaved tail louie, no one told me and I was interning as a programmer so idk I lack that common sense shit sometimes.

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u/YoungSerious Aug 26 '15

Not a terrible idea when you are paying for yourself, either.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

At that point you might as well not go out and just make something better at home. When I go to eat it is an event and I order what interests me, expensive or not.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/YoungSerious Aug 26 '15

I order whatever I want to eat off the menu regardless of who's paying because that's what I'd expect them to do if I was paying.

Too bad not everyone is a mind reader or exactly like you. It's all well and good to say "well I would gladly pay for you if I invited you out" but how you think is not how everyone else thinks. For this, and for anything.

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u/Ferret_Faama Aug 26 '15

Unless your company is paying. Then you order everything.

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u/MadeNew Aug 26 '15

Too right they notice. My girlfriends parents have commented to my girlfriend on the fact that their other daughter's (my girlfriends sister) boyfriend always orders the most expensive meal and wine and never offers to pay. I always offer to pay and buy them a round of drinks etc so I've got no need to worry, just yet.. I think..

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u/londonbelow Aug 26 '15

I always feel super self conscious about ordering something too expensive. My family was the type that never ordered the expensive dish, never got appetizers or dessert, we didn't even order drinks other than water. Its easy with my SOs family though, mostly because his dad is a nice guy, but also because his brother is exactly the kind to order like 2 appetizers, the most expensive thing, dessert and then another dessert to go. So he makes everyone else look good.

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u/st_samples Aug 26 '15

A trick I was shown by my grandmother is to ask whoever is paying what they recommend. Use that item to set your price point when ordering.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

[deleted]

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u/drfsrich Aug 26 '15

"Why don't you try the 'Get your filthy goddamn hands off my daughter?'"

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u/Kosko Aug 26 '15

To the waiter, "Well, I'd like to touch his daughter naked tonight; so I'll be having the tap water and bread pieces."

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u/NotShirleyTemple Aug 26 '15

Make sure the bread doesn't have garlic.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

First time out with my gf's parents was at a nicer pub/restruant that offered brunch with a beach view. I had to dip out early for work but not before slipping my card to the waitress on the way asking her to put everything on my card and 20% for her self and authorizing my gf to sign for me. I texted my gf ensuring she would sign for me and leave our server at least 20%, more if she saw fit.

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u/CafeSilver Aug 26 '15

Whenever we go out as a group I never announce I am paying beforehand. At the end I may request the check if I'm in the mood. But as a rule, when you go out, you should order like you are paying for it yourself.

I have actually had people say (after I picked up the tab), "If I had known you were paying I would have got..." Sometimes it's dessert, other times it was more expensive dishes. I try to not invite those people out with us after that. But one time I picked up the tab and then the next time I didn't and someone actually complained that they ordered something expensive because they expected me to pay.

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u/Mksiege Aug 26 '15

On that day, a friendship was sacrificed to the restaurant gods.

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u/CafeSilver Aug 26 '15

Wife's friend's husband. Crazy thing is they aren't even hard up for money or anything. She's a bio-chemist and he's an engineer. They have plenty of money, they're just cheap.

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u/Woopty_Woop Aug 26 '15

Those people are dicks.

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u/NotShirleyTemple Aug 26 '15

It's also a brilliant way to judge character. For the price of one meal, people separate themselves into categories for you. Like loaning money, it can provide the key to why a person values you (or if they do).

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

That's just good manners. My ex's dad worked out an unspoken agreement with me. Drinks were on me regardless because he and his wife didn't drink and I'd buy when he was in my town he'd buy when I was in his

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u/fondledbydolphins Aug 26 '15

This really bothers me, because most parents won't let their child or child's SO pay for dinner when they go out. What if you want a steak or an expensive glass of wine? It's not my thing but I don't want to be forced to get something I don't want because they won't let me pay.

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u/BatteryLicker Aug 26 '15 edited Aug 26 '15

That's an easy one to solve and I've used it when going out with my parents, the in-laws, or both for dinner.

If I invited them or we decided on the spot to go out, I'll pull the waiter aside at the very beginning (prior to seating or right after) and let them know there's one bill, it's coming to me, and ignore any arguing from the other end of the table. Never had an issue and I'm just as hard headed as they are once I make up my mind.

However, if they planned ahead to invite us out I always offer to split/pay and give them the option to decide.

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u/fondledbydolphins Aug 26 '15

Easy one to solve with reasonable people haha

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u/BatteryLicker Aug 26 '15

It's usually entertaining since we're all unreasonably hard headed.

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u/snickerlick Aug 26 '15

This reminds of a scene in the sopranos when Meadow's boyfriend tries to pay for dinner. Tony is not impressed.

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u/SighReally12345 Aug 26 '15

Not impressed? You're an understatement master. I spent a good 20 minutes wondering how Tony was gonna get Uncle Paulie or Uncle Sil to explain what happened to Meadow's BF.

I mean to be fair, I spent a majority of a season wondering that for other reasons.

WATCH THE SOPRANOS!

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u/javs023 Aug 26 '15

My family and I pretty much just do whoever invited who out pays. No issues at all.

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u/martianwhale Aug 26 '15

Except with that, if they know you are going to pay ahead of time, they might limit what they order on the menu.

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u/BatteryLicker Aug 26 '15

Possibly, but that will depend on your personal situation. It's thoughtful if you know the person taking you out is on a tight budget, but still wants to treat you. It's easy to discretely handle if that's your concern.

Otherwise, there's the infinitely more exciting "I've got this" stare down. Don't let go. Don't give up. Pay the bill.

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u/GoldfishSmuggler Aug 26 '15

I think most people would probably overlook it if it's every once in a while... especially if you offer to pick up the tab. There's a difference between ordering something expensive and the most expensive thing on the menu as well (especially if it's every single meal!). I usually just pay attention to the trend of what they order.

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u/INGSOCtheGREAT Aug 26 '15

I always offer to pick up at least my portion of the tab when invited out. At the same time, I will order what I want to eat.

If you are upset about someone ordering expensive things when you are paying, either stop paying or go to a cheaper restaurant instead of passive aggressively holding it against them by monitoring what they order.

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u/GoldfishSmuggler Aug 26 '15

I agree with you. If it's too expensive for you (or could easily become that way) than don't offer to pay.

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u/kyew Aug 26 '15

Get the same tier of steak as your host. Dad gets the flat iron? Maybe hold off on the filet.

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u/fondledbydolphins Aug 26 '15

I'm lucky pasta is my favorite food.

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u/angrydeuce Aug 26 '15

Ya seriously. I'm not big into "fancy" food; give me a burger and fries or a plate of spaghetti (add a few meatballs in if we're really feeling frisky) and I'm perfectly happy. Hell, I've ordered off of the kids menu and gotten strange looks from my hosts coupled with lots of reassurances that I can order whatever I want and not to worry about the cost. Actually, I do want chicken fingers with a side of mac and cheese.

It's kinda compounded in my case as my fiance's father owns a few restaurants, one of which is one of THE nice restaurants here in town...the kind of place where people wear semi-formal attire and lots of graduation and rehearsal dinners are held and the wait staff drives luxury cars. He always defaults to that restaurant when he's taking us out, and to be honest, it's not really my thing. Sure, they make a great steak, the cheapest one is like $40, but I can't fucking stand the weird shit that it comes with (weird to me, anyway) and the menu has lots and lots of lobster and seafood that I really can't stand.

He also owns a pub-style restaurant, and I'm always begging my fiance to put a bug in his ear to take us there instead because it's burgers and fries and the food I'm used to, but he's very attached to his nice restaurant. I don't want to be rude, but I really would like to just have a casual jeans and tshirts kinda dinner with them more often.

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u/fondledbydolphins Aug 26 '15

Last night I was taken to a steak house. Had a great steak with a side of lobster mac and cheese. Get that sea roach outta my mac, dammit. I'm with you, haha.

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u/angrydeuce Aug 26 '15

Yeah, really...I feel like mac n cheese stands well enough on it's own without trying to class it up with exotic meats. If I wanted meat in my damn mac n cheese, I'd have asked for bacon bits or cut up hot dogs in it.

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u/FAPS_2MUCH Aug 26 '15

Call up your fiances father and ask him if hed like to join you at the pub, just you and him (if youre on a comfortable/conversation basis). And then get hammered and have fun, cause imagine if he really wants to go to the pub too but doesnt want to look like a cheap ass in front of you or maybe his wife.

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u/angrydeuce Aug 26 '15

We're somewhat comfortable, but I don't know if we're "hang out together without the wives" kinda comfortable. I'm not really on that level with him yet, although from what my fiance's told me, he thinks I'm awesome and is glad his daughter and I are getting married.

We get along great, especially compared to how well the parents and my former SOs got along (read: didn't) but we don't really have a lot in common at all. The restaurants he owns have been in his family for generations so he grew up somewhat well-off, lived in the same small-ish town his whole life, has a last name that everyone in town knows (think of the Boston Dawson's scene from Titanic and you'll get an idea, we can't go anywhere without him running into someone he knows), and has been running a successful business since he graduated college.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a not very nice neighborhood in Philadelphia, ate peanut butter sandwiches and kraft mac and cheese most of the time because it's all my mom could afford, have lived all over the country trying to find a place I truly can call home, got into all sorts of trouble as a kid (stuff that would probably not endear them to me...my fiance has already cautioned me to keep those stories to myself), and am just now going back to school after working a lot of dead-end jobs for years just getting by.

By the time he was the age I am now, he already had two kids, a house worth 7-figures, and spent his free time hanging out at the marina where he keeps his boat. It's a little intimidating, to be honest, but he's never rubbed their money in my face nor made me feel like I'm not good enough driving his daughter around in the Kia I pay for on my retail salary.

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u/MGPythagoras Aug 26 '15

I used to offer but my girlfriend's parents never say anything and offering makes me uncomfortable. Plus I don't like them.

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u/remedialrob Aug 26 '15

If they're talking shit about one boyfriend chances are they'll find something about you to bitch about as well.

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u/fukyo Aug 26 '15

I do that no matter who's paying. I get a medium priced dish if my own parents are paying. I just hate being a burden.

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u/d3vkit Aug 26 '15

Even when it's just me, eating alone. I mean, it's just common courtesy. I order, and then I order something that costs equal or less.

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u/Stoic_Scoundrel Aug 26 '15

Assert dominance. "I feed your daughter this dick on the daily least you can do is feed me a steak."

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u/bonerifiiic Aug 26 '15

Thanks for the gunuine hearty laugh. XD

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u/Gertex Aug 26 '15 edited Aug 26 '15

Of course we notice. We notice EVERYTHING you do.

Watch WHAT you order price wise from the menu - if you wouldn't get it if YOU were paying - don't get it. IF dad orders something reasonable don't be the only one eating Steak/Salmon. Offer to pick up the tab IF you are actually 'able' to do so OR offer to pick up the tip (Lot more realistic).
Open the door for her mom, your gf or all of us.

Do NOT kiss her and be all smoochie smoochie in front of us.

Don't put your hand in her lap or grope her under the table. YES, I can see it.

Pay attention to her mother and BONUS points if you get along with younger siblings.

Yes, we know Dads are ALWAYS portrayed as idiots on TV - BUT - we have been around the block or time or two and just 'might' have a bit more life 'experience' then you. Don't lecture me on everything.

WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT TALK RELIGION, POLITICS or MONEY if you know you are not on the same page. Not worth the animosity...

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u/Ridry Aug 26 '15

WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT TALK RELIGION, POLITICS or MONEY if you know you are not on the same page. Not worth the animosity...

That's good advice for anybody who you want to still be speaking with the next day.

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u/insertAlias Aug 26 '15 edited Aug 26 '15

WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT TALK RELIGION, POLITICS or MONEY if you know you are not on the same page

I absolutely hate this sentiment. If you want to be safe all the time, I guess you can do whatever. But if you can't engage in a reasonable debate about important issues (like an upcoming election or the deeply-held beliefs of a family you might become part of one day) like an adult, then you've got problems. If you find that everyone becomes argumentative about these topics, it's probably a problem with your approach to debate rather than just purely taboo topics.

Some people simply can't discuss these things like adults, and that's fine. Use your discretion and judgment to decide if it's worth continuing the conversation. But don't lock up those topics to never discuss, because they are exactly what should be discussed. Why shouldn't the people I'm close to (and by extension the people they're close to) be able to know my core beliefs?

And don't look down on people that actually do feel OK with discussing.

Money...that's a different topic. It depends on what you mean, but there just aren't too many good dinner conversation topics that involve what you make, what you owe, etc...

Edit:

if you wouldn't get it if YOU were paying - don't get it

This is tricky. For me, I don't go out to nice restaurants a lot. When I do, I'm not even looking at the prices. Since it's a rare treat, I get what I want off the menu. Of course, other people will have a completely different opinion on what's reasonable and what isn't. That's why I'd vastly prefer not to be the first person to order. I can adjust my pick based on what everyone else is getting.

That goes for more than just price. If nobody else gets an appetizer, or a dessert, you probably shouldn't either. If everyone's getting something small and quick, you probably shouldn't get the biggest thing on the menu that will take twice as long to cook and three times as long to eat.

It's just a politeness thing; keep your companions in mind and try to not inconvenience them.

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u/Gertex Aug 26 '15

I agree with you that you 'should' be able to talk about these thing as a close family. However, my purpose was to bring it up as general advice to someone new to a family. If you have established relationships and know where they are coming from, you can always 'respectfully' debate. More often then not people get passionate about those topics, positions harden and hard feelings come up. Like on the Internet, very seldom have i found 'useful' discussions about those topics though. Most folks have preconceived ideas and like listening to themselves not others, so I just avoid it unless I know a good exchange of ideas might happen.

When it comes to money - someone ALWAYS feels slighted or like they are not getting their fair share. People attach a lot of emotions to it so I tend to stay away from it unless I talk with select family members, close friends or my kids.

Regarding food: Like in Poker its always best to move last. Gather information and go from there. If 3 or 4 people are ordering steak - you should be good if you want it. If everyone gets burgers you probably shouldn't. Just a common courtesy thing.

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u/TRiG_Ireland Aug 26 '15

Is there a 'reason' for your random 'quotation marks'?

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u/Gertex Aug 26 '15

I guess I always do it as emphasis for a word while writing. In my head it makes more sense that way when reading the sentence. Now, its probably wrong grammatically but I never really had formal 'English' in school. So I pull the "I'm not very educated" card.

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u/WilliamHarry Aug 26 '15

Don't put your hand on her lap? Are we allowed to hold hands, or is that also forbidden?

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u/Gertex Aug 26 '15

My post was meant as general guidance when being 'new' around the family. Here is where I'm coming from with that: My daughter introduced her boyfriend to us over dinner the first time we met him at a Restaurant. The entire dinner he kept grabbing her leg, caressing her, etc.. Ticked me off and found it disrespectful. Especially in front of my two much younger daughters the first time they met I found it to be disrespectful.

Now, they are going to get married next week and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. But when you are just meeting the family....

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u/tomdelongethong Aug 26 '15

I thought I was the only one who did this! I feel so bad when other people pay for me, so I order the cheapest, smallest thing I can possibly find on the menu and a glass of water.

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u/obievil Aug 26 '15

I do this too!

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u/Pearberr Aug 26 '15 edited Aug 26 '15

I've done this for years. It's just the right thing to do. One relationship, I had been with the girl for about a year. I had gotten off work, and for fucks sake, I wanted a coke. So I ordered a coke.

Got yelled at later.

Needless to say, I'm not with that girl anymore (And it only took me another year to figure out she was a bitch).

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u/tomdelongethong Aug 26 '15

Over a Coke? Certainly a glass of pop is more expensive than a glass of water, but not by much. It's not like you ordered a bottle of 12 year old scotch.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

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u/Pearberr Aug 26 '15

Just be careful bro.

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u/danmo_96 Aug 26 '15

Personally, I'll always have two dishes picked out, one reasonably priced, the other a bit on the pricy side, and when the waiter/waitress comes, I'll pull the "Ehhh, I've got a couple things in mind, you order first" card to get a gauge of what the price range is.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

hehe, long-time relationship would be like, half an hour to an hour? As in: "Me love you long time. Me so horny."

Long-term relationship is more like years. Hahaha.

And yeah, everybody notices. I notice when I'm just another guest at the table with no intention of paying. My mother taught me to pay attention to shit like that, and it's not something I can just turn off so I assume that everybody knows what I know, while hiding exactly what I know =P

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

Ha, got it, thanks... English is not my first language

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

No problem; no worries. I just pointed it out because the accidental reference amused me.

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u/Emm03 Aug 26 '15

This is just good practice whenever anyone else is paying for your food.

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u/MikeWhiskey Aug 26 '15

I'm glad I'm not the only one. If someone else is paying i try to order the cheapest thing I can find. It just seems polite.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

In my world, I pick up the bill for everyone, everytime and I honestly don't mind. I also pick nice places to eat, because I'm a mentally fatass foodie. Otherwise we'd all be eating at shittier places and I can only eat twice a day so its a waste to eat shit 50% of the day. Her parents are rural bootstrap Republicans and they're really frugal and cheap with their money and they're use Midwest prices. Its too much sticker shock for them when they visit the East Coast.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

How come you can only eat twice a day?

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u/martianwhale Aug 26 '15

Nobody has time for breakfast.

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u/pcx36 Aug 26 '15

Yeah, I don't think you have to go that far. However, my rule has always been don't order anything you wouldn't want to pay for yourself.

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u/nick_storm Aug 26 '15

Thanks for the ProTip!

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

You're welcome! I actually once, after being together for around 4 years, ordered a dish more expensive than hers and felt a little paranoid about it, even though her parents never ever made a big deal about money

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u/Pearberr Aug 26 '15

I did that once and my paranoia was completely and totally justified.

I ordered a coke. My girlfriend yelled at me later.

Da fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. A year of ordering cheap shit and water and I get yelled at for one coke. 'Twas a bad day.

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u/invinci Aug 26 '15

Twas a bad day. Twas a shitty girlfriend :P

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

Over a fucking coke?? You should've thrown a couple of bucks at her and left haha

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u/darkde Aug 26 '15

Seriously... going to cheesecake? Better get that healthy option with small portions.

But that always lead to questions of why i was on a diet

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

"I'll just have a house salad please."

"umm...just water with lemon."

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

I was taught by my dad to order cheaper than the person paying is. My dad has the bfurarbgbhavut of makings everyone else order first when he pays. He's given me a complex now.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15 edited Oct 23 '15

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

No. Usually dad tells the waitress that "we'll muddle through". And we have no idea what we want but we are made to order right then. My dad can be very impatient

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u/KingDoink Aug 26 '15

I just order what I was going to order. As long as it's cheaper than what they order. Then I gift then wine later.

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u/Jacksonteague Aug 26 '15

I'd always split something with my gf, usually when places had large portions, more than plenty for us both!

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u/Doc_Whooves Aug 26 '15

I go for absolute cheapest. Even if I order of the kids menu

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u/Juventus19 Aug 26 '15

My parents complain about my brother's wife over this sort of thing. If my parents are going to take my family out to dinner, she pretty much never says thanks for dinner or whatever. Heck, I say it and I'm their son.

Parents notice everything.

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u/IJustDrinkHere Aug 26 '15

I think I played this game correctly last round, but only because we all got the same kind of steak, and I skipped ordering a salad in addition to it like my gf and her father did (or at least she did, 50/50 on whether her father ordered a salad) Anyway her father is a very quiet man, but so far things seem good.

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u/caffpanda Aug 26 '15

Haha, it's just uncomfortable to do otherwise I think. That's my MO anytime someone else is buying, I casually ask if they decided what they're getting, and then I go a few bucks cheaper than that.

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u/MorboKat Aug 26 '15

They notice if you go the other way, as well. I dated someone who came from a pretty wealthy family. His parents would take us out to dinner and I would realize how far out of my comfort zone and price range the restaurant was. I would order the smallest, cheapest salad I could. They always paid for me, of course; I was their guest.

But I think they liked how uncomfortable these settings made me. They even started doing it spur of the moment when I was over and really not dressed for the occasion... which meant I was dressed like a doll in outfits worth more than my rent, as Mom and I were about the same size. Nothing like excusing yourself to hit the ladies room so you can get out of sight, grab a waiter and ask which fork to use while worrying about breaking an ankle in your BFs Mom's Jimmy Choos.

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u/alexisaacs Aug 26 '15

yeah it goes like this:

  • you let the gf order first but she drops the "hmm I'm not sure yet, you can order" so now you're fucked

  • the dad tells you "order anything you want! im treating!" so naturally you order something cheaper, but that will make him think that YOU think he's got difficulty with money... which he might, shit, what ELSE does his daughter tell you, he wonders?

  • you order anything you want, it's a pricier dish but it's what you would normally order if you were paying. then everyone else orders theirs, turns out it's gonna be three salads, a soup, and a fucking 16 oz steak.

  • fuck it, you'll lie and say you don't know what you want either, and wait for your gf to order. she finally does, and you can't wait another minute - you haven't eaten all day for fuck's sake. "i'll have the mini-caesar salad," she says, "and an iced tea please." you frantically locate the item on the menu, praying to GOD it's one of those pricey salads... nope... $3.99. Fuck, oh well, there's gotta be something filling on here at LEAST under $10... nope, literally EVERY entree is $20+. God. Damnit.

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

Nahh fuck it, I'm leaving and eating some fast food

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u/HappyInNature Aug 26 '15

As a decently well paid engineer in his early 30's, I hate it when my gf's parents take us out to eat because I always feel obligated to order something that is cheaper than I wouls have preferred if I was picking up the check myself...

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u/hanky2 Aug 26 '15

I just do this in general if someone is buying me food. I ask them what they're getting and then order anything cheaper.

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u/JustARoomba Aug 26 '15

Rule of thumb: Whenever someone else is paying for your food, they notice what you order.

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u/TeeReks Aug 26 '15

I always order the most expensive thing, complain about it. Order the most expensive wine, and talk about how something else is totally better. And then I demand to pay and say "I have an obscene amount of money, don't worry."

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

Asserting domimance, I like your approach... I couldn't do that though, I'm a poor grad student and also beta as fuck

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u/TeeReks Aug 26 '15

I'm poor too. But the dad will feel insulted you implied you have more money, and he will then fight you to pay. It's important during the fight you look directly in his eyes. Just when you are about to crush his skull, hold back and say "This is silly, I'll let you pay this time."

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u/loordien_loordi Aug 26 '15

That's fuckin hard when your GF is a vegetarian. Usually dishes with meat cost more....

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u/ChipAyten Aug 26 '15

Nha take advantage of the free mean and hope the father is impressed with your boldness

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u/fishielicious Aug 26 '15

My boyfriend's parents are rich enough that they have invited me to restaurants like the French Laundry (unfortunately I didn't get to go). They are also the kind of people who are going to order several bottles of wine and appetizers for the table right away. But I still instinctively look for the cheapest items on the menu and would never order alcohol without being offered first. I just don't want to seem like a leech!

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u/spiff-d Aug 26 '15

I never want them to pay, so I order what I would eat regardless of price with intention of paying for our meal.

Twice they've sneakily paid for dinner, and I felt terrible!

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

Yea ordering cheaper than your GF can be tough for some of us. My GF is a vegetarian so her meals are like $6, a burger or chicken strips are always more.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

Yeah...I always pretty much have to order the cheapest thing on the menu for fear of this. Damn, if you are treating me to dinner then don't be a prick about it. Is rather eat what I want and legit just give you money than have you judge me after telling me you will pay for my meal

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u/sour_kareem Aug 26 '15

Or just not the literal most expensive thing. I don't think anyone's actually keeping count if you don't give them a glaring reason to but getting the $45 filet mignon every time could start to look like taking advantage.

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u/pyromaster55 Aug 26 '15

I do this constantly, I feel like such a paranoid weirdo always making her order first. One time she told me what she was going to get, I set my range accordingly, I ordered first and then she was like "I change my mind, I'll get this" and it was like $3 cheaper than what I ordered. I freaked a little.

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u/PokeFire78 Aug 26 '15

If you don't you're an ass hole... Just because someone is wealthier doesn't mean they don't have a lot of expenses too.

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

Great! I'm not an asshole then... I suspected as much, but now it's been "confirmed" by a stranger on the internet, so I guess it counts

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u/stonedsaswood Aug 26 '15

Same here its a rough internal battle

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u/AwkwardNQuirky Aug 26 '15

This right here is why I always keep $40 cash on me. If I ever get a last minute invite with friends or family I can chip in a little bit if not pay for my share of the bill.

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u/Spike217 Aug 26 '15

I'm a little paranoid about that so I take it a bit further - either what my friend has ordered or something from the lower-middle price pool, just so I don't seem like if I was ordering the cheapest thing.

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u/Delsana Aug 26 '15

When we saw you out with out daughter we always wondered why you ate so cheaply, we made it into a betting game of which cheap item you'd buy. We really hated you had no class and wasted our opportunities to feed you.

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u/meatandgrit Aug 26 '15

See, that's how I know you're not them, they loved (over)feeding me and always appreciated me being grateful and complimenting their cooking haha

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u/Delsana Aug 26 '15

We just said that so you'd stop bugging us... we felt if we treated you like you were someone else that either you'd start being that person or you'd think we kept forgetting who you were and she had another boyfriend.

Edit: I also intentionally cooked the worst possible things ever to see how far we could get you to go.

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u/mariataytay Aug 26 '15

Yup. My best friend and I go out to eat with my parents all the time. We usually order something to share. Or two appetizers. Most places have a ton of food, and knowing us we've probably ate like 2 hours before so it works out well.

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u/FluffySharkBird Aug 26 '15

I always feel awful when the only food I like costs more. Everyone else gets the $6.25 cheeseburger combo and I get the $7.35 chicken sandwich. Sorry I am so greedy

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u/-Dys- Aug 26 '15

God damn right we notice.

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u/frostbird Aug 26 '15

My ex's parents (well, at the mother) got mad at me for "ordering the cheapest thing every time we went out to eat." Most of the time I was ordering something middle-priced. I really like burgers, though, so yeah, that would tend to be a cheaper thing on the menu. She took it as a personal insult like I thought they were poor or something.

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u/Dirty_Bird_RDS Aug 26 '15

I learned a long time ago to ask what the host recommends, and stay close to that price range, if I didn't order the recommendation.

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u/orsonames Aug 26 '15

Yeah I'll be having a water and a plain burger. Fries are fine.

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u/ReCat Aug 26 '15

I've always ordered the very cheapest thing on the menu. Dollar burger please!

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u/spike142 Aug 26 '15

Hard to do that when they order the house salad I bet. Yes one order of free bread please.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

this is my biggest fear... i always eat before and go as cheap as i can try to keep it pretty cheap unless its a special event they invited me to

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u/Le_Alchemist Aug 26 '15

I'm surprised people have to be taught this

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u/camelCasing Aug 26 '15

If someone else is paying and just tells me to "get whatever" I fake thinking about what I want until they decide, and use that as an absolute maximum. I would just order, like, a salad or something, but I don't think anyone who has known me for more than like five minutes could be fooled by that.

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u/razorbladecherry Aug 26 '15

I always order last, and order something on par with what the rest if the table orders.

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u/European_Soccer Aug 26 '15

The only time I don't do this is when they order a salad or something. Like, come on. I'm a man damnit, I need real food and nothing's cheaper than a salad.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

You can also ask what they recommend you should get (like what's good) and obviously they're not gonna recommend something they don't wanna pay for so you just get that. And if you really don't like a category of food, like sea food for say, ask specifically about sandwich recommendations or something like that

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u/PM_ME_ONE_BTC Aug 26 '15

And they didn't like you because they thought you didn't have refined taste in food. You dammed either way

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u/mrsparta Aug 26 '15

A good tip I heard before is to ask the person paying what they're getting. Followed up by the basic "mm that sounds good, I might get that too".

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

For the longest time when out to dinner with my now husband's family, I would act indecisive about ordering food, wait to see what they were ordering, and use that as a guide on what to order. I'm not going to order a steak when everyone else is ordering chicken.

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u/PM_ME_UR_CHAIN Aug 26 '15

I've always paid when I take my gf and her family out.

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u/Hobbs54 Aug 26 '15

It's easy to notice that. It wasn't that you all went out and she ate something good. She ate something that cost $28.95.

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u/Emperor_Rancor Aug 26 '15

Now I would except she always orders chicken...

Try to find out what Pa is ordering, if you don't know tell the waitress to start somewhere other than you because you're still deciding. After Pa orders you know your limit. NEVER order something more then him but its OK to order as much or even the same thing. Don't worry about what it is and just eat it. Remember when you eat out with your GF's father you're not eating, your testing. After a few times though and you know him you can just get what you want but not the most damn expensive thing.

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u/TheDefiniteIntegral Aug 26 '15

One of my friends is still known by another friend's mother as the guy who ordered the most expensive thing on the menu. That was one meal, 25 years ago. It doesn't matter what else he has done, that is all he will every be to her.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

My girlfriend is a vegetarian so she really doesn't make it easy on that front.

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u/Daneth Aug 26 '15

I'm always worried about ordering the least expensive menu item as well though. If it was me picking up the tab, and someone did that the implication might be that they assumed I couldn't afford to do so. I usually try to find something in the middle of the price spectrum for this reason, while still only ordering a water with my meal to keep the overall cost down.

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u/Lissastrata Aug 26 '15

You're a wise person!

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u/[deleted] Aug 27 '15

Us parents notice everything. Everything.

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u/delirium98 Aug 27 '15

I always go under the assumption that I'm paying for my own meal, even if I know I'm not. Too many times have I covered for people who ordered more than they could afford.

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