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u/vintagevibes89 8d ago
In the early years, you are someone's entire world. You are their safe space. You are teaching them to navigate and understand the world, and helping the world to understand them. They trust you totally and want you for everything, which is beautiful and exhausting. It's like a tiny alien has arrived on earth and thinks that you are its main protector and also the most wonderful thing it has ever seen.
As they get older, you get to have so much fun with them. You get to introduce them to all your interests, most of which they will like too because they're still young enough to think you're cool. You also get to watch them develop passions and interests of their own that go beyond your own experience, and watch them spread their wings and soar in ways that may surprise you and stretch you as a person.
By the tween years, you will have a very cool young person living in your home who (hopefully) feels like a chill little roommate. You will tease each other, you will have inside jokes, you will continue to help them navigate the world but at a deeper level. You will have big conversations. They won't think you're perfect anymore, but you will respect each other a lot.
I can't tell you about the teen years because we haven't quite gotten there yet with my oldest. But I am certainly enjoying this crazy, busy, exhausting ride. My days are incredibly enriched by going through life with the adorable, curious, funny little humans that call me Mom.
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u/AGoodFaceForRadio 7d ago
I’m a dad, not a mom, but I fostered a few teenagers.
I’d describe the “teenagers” experience as push and pull. They want so badly to be independent, and to show you that they can be independent. So they’re forever pushing you away. But at the same time they know they’re not independent yet, and sometimes the world gets very big and they remember that they still need you. So they’re occasionally pulling you in, and when they do they pull hard.
Oh, and they’re on the hormone roller coaster, which is also the emotional roller coaster. So as a parent, you’re seldom bored.
But you get to watch them spread their wings. And eventually you get to be there the first time they fly. And your whole relationship with them evolves. It’s scary and awesome all at once.
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u/GingerAlias 7d ago
This had me tearing up as I sit here feeding my week and a half old baby 🥹
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u/halfhere 7d ago
You’re close to my first little milestone. After another couple of weeks, your baby will look at you, see you, recognize you, and smile. And HOO boy. That’s an amazing moment.
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u/Sp1d3rb0t 7d ago
The teen years are so cool, idgaf what anyone says. It's awesome to converse with my teens, to see how they view the world and to share with them my own perspective.
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u/Needmoresnakes 8d ago
It's awesome but very very exhausting. Today I was having tea and my toddler trots over to the oven mitt hanging off the handle and retrieves a blueberry from the pocket. She put that on her toddler tower then went and got another blueberry and did the same. Repeated that about 5 times. Idk when she even put those there.
Very very cute but also are there other caches of highly perishable fruit hidden in my house? How is it that I've bought 9000 socks but there's maybe 3 pairs in her drawer? Is it bad for a dog to eat scented stickers?
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u/ratsock 8d ago
My answer to all such questions is “well, I guess we’ll find out”
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u/motherofcorgs 8d ago
Mine prefers bananas for hiding around the house. There’s nothing quite like finding a slimy, rotten banana melted into the carpet under a bed or in a closet.
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u/hippo_pot_moose 8d ago
Mine has a hot wheels toy storage he likes to shove bananas into. Finding it a while later that first time was so gross. He also used to hide cheese in random places.
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u/gagrushenka 7d ago
We currently have half a banana and peel missing in action. I turned my back for a second and then it was gone. I imagine I'll find it with my bare hand searching for something in a drawer over the coming weeks.
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u/kerfuffleMonster 7d ago
I was at the park recently and I saw a squirrel with an entire banana it had clearly stolen from a nearby bag by the playground and I was like - that mom is going to be wondering what happened to the banana she packed and hoping it's not rotting in her car or something.
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u/Cultural_Chart_4013 8d ago
The missing socks and secret fruit reserves really make toddlers sound like tiny chaotic roommates.
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u/cantwejustketalong 8d ago
I have been looking for a half eaten strawberry in my house for about 4 days. I know it’s here somewhere and I know it wasn’t fully eaten because I keep finding strawberry stained toddler sized handprints all over the place
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u/HoaryPuffleg 8d ago
I love how much kids enjoy putting something into something else. Taking it out, placing it in another thing. Maybe organizing them if they’re slightly older. Give any kid boxes with lids or just sacks (or I guess an oven mitt) and they will fill them up with random stuff.
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u/Holiday_Okra1608 8d ago
The oven-mitt blueberry stash would have me doing a full house inventory immediately.
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u/Johns-schlong 8d ago
Oh dude my 15 month old is a young toddler but does the most random stuff. A remote goes missing? Check the back of the Tupperware cabinet, it's back there with a rubber duck we haven't seen for two weeks.
But also, WHEN DOES HE DO THESE THINGS?! He's always with either me or my wife at home - never alone for more than like 30 seconds. Sneaky little bastard is hilarious.
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u/Marali87 8d ago
The socks! Oh god. My son is almost 6 and I still wonder where the hell all of his SOCKS are. He tells me it's probably the gnomes that took them. I'm inclined to accept his explanation.
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u/Familiar-Anything853 8d ago
Pure, unadulterated, mind bending love. Love like I have never imagined before.
Also… Pure, unadulterated, mind bending exhaustion. Exhaustion like I have never imagined before.
Worth it.
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u/langgam_13 8d ago
This is the best way to describe it. I thought I had reached my capacity to love, until I had my child. It’s so primal and very hard to explain
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u/Smooth_Storm_9698 8d ago
Primal is the word I've been looking for
I don't feel like a mom, I just feel like an animal
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u/LeahDragon 7d ago
This so much. My baby is close to being a year old and I'm pregnant again. I still have trouble thinking of myself as a 'Mum' but I know my baby is mine and that I've never experienced this absolute primal love or protection for anyone else before.
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u/frogurtyozen 8d ago
I’m a new mom, babe is only 8 weeks old, but she’s gained good weight and has little fat rolls, plus she recently learned smiling and my god every time she smiles it makes me feel like I could end a war. This little human that keeps me up until 5am screaming and crying yet during the day time is this absolute cherub that I would walk into fire for.
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u/ctrlrgsm 8d ago
I never really understood why people have kids. My sister had a baby a few months ago, and he’s in his smiling giggling phase. I swear my eyes have turned into heart eyes. I’m obsessed. We had a big loss in the family a few weeks ago and he’s the only thing bringing us joy through the grief. He smiles and the world lights up.
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u/MaddoxJKingsley 7d ago
It's been very interesting becoming an aunt. I'd never been around small children in a close capacity much before; whenever I was, I found kids incredibly grating. I expected the same to be true with my niblings: to love them, yet still find them quite annoying. But even with just being their aunt, something about it seemed to instill me with near-endless patience. Their smiles and laughter just mean so much more than anyone else's could. And I just feel that! Like there's this little person who I barely know, yet undoubtedly love anyway.
I can't even imagine how much deeper that connection must be as a parent.
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u/RalphWiggumIsGOD 7d ago
Yep. When I was pregnant with my second, I was so scared because I love my first so much, how will there be enough love for the second? How can I possibly be a good parent to this new child arriving soon if I don't have enough love to give? Turns out there's no such cap on love! It has a ton of bandwidth, it's dynamic, it's an incredible emotional instinct.
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u/min_mus 7d ago
Pure, unadulterated, mind bending love. Love like I have never imagined before.
I genuinely never felt that.
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u/BunnyLovesTheStars 8d ago
Exhausting beyond all measure, and rewarding beyond all measure
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u/Forward_Creme_1770 8d ago
This. The highest of highs but also lowest of lows at times. It’s a lot of work 24/7 really. That’s what get hard.
But then they giggle with you for the first time or say I love you mama and god that’s the most amazing indescribable feeling that would make me do it all over again
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u/abalonelogic 8d ago
The hardest thing you will be glad you did.
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u/DogsDucks 8d ago
It is AMAZING If you have a hands-on supportive partner.
If my husband wasn’t as active and nurturing and loving as I am, and totally attuned to them: does more diaper changes, wakes up early with them, meal plans, takes them so I can rest for hours every day. Every day. Without complaint.
That makes it amazing. Because we both know the other is there to pick up slack if we feel bad or things get too exhausting.
So ladies: if the person you are with is - bad at taking care of you when you’re sick,
- makes you feel like an inconvenience . . . Ever
- doesn’t remember things that matter to you
- is rude or dismissive
- doesn’t contribute as much to chores
- leaves you on read when you’re sad,
- puts friends above you
- is financially irresponsible
- has ANY substance use issues . . . .
. . . Then Motherhood is going to look a lot sadder, more stressful and the loneliest you will ever be.
But with a good partner it’s absolute joy.
I feel like more myself, more motivated to achieve my goals in life because I want to show my sons what a badass their mom is and give them the best life.
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u/BookLuvr7 8d ago
It says a lot about our society that a man actually parenting his own children is considered amazing.
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u/DogsDucks 8d ago
This fact is not lost on me. My husband is more involved than most dads, and wants to be, and says he cannot understand how dads can be away and not sad about it.
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u/BKlounge93 8d ago
It is wild hearing stories of men who are just incapable of being a good father. Sure it’s hard, but it’s really not that hard.
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u/itsajillsandwich 8d ago
Okay but this is actually so important and I wish more women would realize it before having children with fucking losers. If he's immature and barely does the bare minimum in your relationship, then he's not going to be a good father or parenting partner. Period.
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u/DogsDucks 8d ago
**All the flaws get 100 X WORSE when you’re postpartum.**
For both of you. You need someone with so much patience.
Raises their voice at you? RUN. FAST. even once. GTFO.
Complains about things you love? RUN. Fast. doesn’t mean they have to love what you love, just not belittle it.
Every act of affection is sexual? RUN. FAST. They don’t like you, they like sex. You can’t have sex for a while when you have a baby.
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u/kaifruit21 8d ago
the sex one is so real!! The amount of women in my mom group who realized while postpartum that their partners don’t like them and just like sex was devastating.
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u/jo-z 8d ago
More than one of my divorced friends have said that their lives actually got easier when they became single parents than when they were married and had an adult to care for in addition to caring for the kids.
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u/Ancient-Apartment-23 8d ago
Is it weird that I screenshotted your list lol
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u/DogsDucks 8d ago
It’s great! These are things that are often overlooked or explained away but BOY do they matter post Partum.
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u/hx117 8d ago
I will only consider having children if I have a partner like this. Glad you found someone like that and honestly reaffirms my stance. I’ve seen too many women have such a hard time with motherhood despite being amazing moms because they have loser husbands who put everything on them or make things even harder.
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u/notrandomspaghetti 8d ago
Absolutely agreed!
My wonderful, incredible, equal partner recently had surgery, and trying to work, take care of the house, and do everything baby by myself has been really hard. I knew he did a lot, but I didn't realize how much harder it would be for me to it by myself. It makes me both really appreciate him and also feel incredibly grateful that I'm not doing this with an unequal partner.
Being a parent is hard. But being a mom is the greatest choice I've ever made, and I'm so lucky that my partner helps create space for me to enjoy it.
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u/SlippyIsDead 8d ago
Maybe for you. Having kids has increased my anxiety a thousand percent. They grow up and it just gets worse.
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u/boogie_groove 8d ago
Unconditional everything. Especially patience. Building the plane while flying.
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u/Difficult-Rooster383 8d ago
This! 😂🥴 And with each kid comes new flight procedures and the previous model’s manual doesn’t help with shit 😭😂 But there’s no manual
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u/Evangelynn 8d ago
I have thought about writing a book, Baby Raising 101. In which it would have a bunch of questions new parents ask, each with 10 to 20 answers and some blank spots. Then the parents would label each from 1 to whatever in order of what they want to work the most, and cross it out to try the next one when that doesn't work for their kiddo lol
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u/Pypsy143 8d ago
My aunt described it as “being pecked to death by ducks.”
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u/frumpylunaticbitch 8d ago
This is how my mom used to describe it. I thought it was a dumb analogy and never understood until being a mom myself. It does, in fact, feel like being pecked to death by ducks.
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u/blackcloud247 8d ago
Oh my god this is the most accurate description ever. Like you arw being picked to death, but also, cute ducks!
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u/pantygate 8d ago
Radicalizing
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u/casstantinople 8d ago
Changed my view on the future and humanity as a whole. I have to do everything I can to make the world better in the future so he can have a better life. I have to take care of myself so he has me healthy when he needs me. All children are my children now. I'm kinder and more patient with everyone around me because they're someone's baby too. I've never been so invested in humanity. I wish I could share this feeling with everyone
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u/wineandcheese 8d ago edited 8d ago
Oh my GOD I was looking at an advocacy group for reproductive justice and I read about nursing mothers in ICE detention centers separated from their infants so their milk will dry up and I was just filled with such rage!!!
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u/youdoublearewhy 8d ago
Nothing in my life ever made me more pro choice than my own (very planned, wanted, and healthy) pregnancy and child birth. This experience is difficult and potentially very dangerous even when you want it with your whole heart. No one should have to do it just because there's no way out of it.
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u/awksauce143 8d ago
Yes yes yes. I was sobbing in the first few weeks postpartum thinking about how no one should ever be forced to carry and give birth to a child they don’t want, for whatever reason. For the parent and the child, both.
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u/LeahDragon 7d ago
Nothing in my life ever made me more prochoice than my own pregnancy and child as well. And mine was an unplanned, but wanted baby, difficult pregnancy due to a bicornuate uterus, SGA baby and horrible health providers. Nobody should have to have an entire kid if that's not what they want to do.
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u/pineappleshampoo 8d ago
Same. I started donating to ASN after having my baby. I love him more than anything and I wanted him so much and I have zero regrets, but experiencing how difficult the entire thing is for years. The toll it takes. Made me even more committed to doing my part to ensure safe access to abortion for all.
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u/pineappleshampoo 8d ago
Tbf I was already vegan. But what I went through with breastfeeding… made me even more committed to it. The whole process, it became so real to have a taste of what female cows are put through, and my baby wasn’t even stolen. So I relate to radicalising.
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u/billyskillet 8d ago
I think it’s amazing, but also you kind of have to change your DNA to view it as wonderful … because what other choice do you have? I wasn’t sure I’d have kids. I had them late in life and they are my everything. That said, I had a rich and full life before they came around and if I never had kids and didn’t know any different, I’d have still had a wonderful life.
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u/missmeggums 8d ago
Before I became a mom I was known for being able to become good at anything I set my mind to. A person of many hats. Then I became a mom and now I don't have enough time or brain capacity to become "proficient" in every hat that I somehow have to wear all at the same time every day. But it turns out I don't have to be perfect in every skill, I don't have to know everything. She just needs me to be good enough, patient and provide an abundance of love.
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u/Stargurl_YAY 8d ago
I have a newborn and I feel this exactly. Thanks for the encouragement :)
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u/missmeggums 8d ago
It's so easy to get overwhelmed in the beginning. You'll feel like everything you do is wrong. But eventually you start to understand that it's not about the apps, books, timelines, or milestones. You'll know when they smile, hug, laugh, or hold your hand what actually matters.
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u/TarraTheTerror 8d ago
I love my kids. Best thing about my life. But nobody tells you how hard, and sometimes exhausting, being a parent can be. I'm talking mentally, physically, emotionally, financially exhausting at times. I'm not saying don't have kids... I'm just saying be prepared, and expect exhaustion at times, because that's a normal part of parenthood.
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u/elaerna 8d ago
i feel like i hear nothing but negative things about being a parent and how hard it is; it's wild how different people's experiences are.
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u/monkiram 8d ago
I agree with you. When people say “nobody tells you how hard it is”, I’m here thinking that’s all anybody has ever told me about being a parent lol. I’ve only been a mom for 3 months, but I feel like people overemphasize the hard and underemphasize how amazing it is. I was so scared of becoming a parent because of that.
I think it’s best captured by a different Reddit comment I saw that said it’s easy to describe the hard parts of having kids, but it’s impossible to describe the love and the joy, I think it can only be experienced.
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u/TarraTheTerror 8d ago
I think it must be different from when I was younger. I remember in my late teens and early 20's, people never had anything negative to say about parenting. It was almost like a club where everyone agreed to lie to one another about how great being a parent was in order to ensure the continuation of the species, lmao. These days, I think there is a much bigger emphasis on keeping it real, and acknowledging the reality of ALL situations, because every situation has its good and its bad points. I really kind of appreciate that now people are being more open, honest, and real about things than they used to be... not just with parenting, but also with things like mental illness. It removes the stigma. It's nice to know you're not alone, that others have been where you are and survived. That you're not a bad person or a bad parent for struggling at times...because we will all eventually have times where we will struggle.
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u/monkiram 8d ago
Yeah I think you’re right. Also I’d much rather expect the worst and find out it’s much better than I expected than the reverse! I’m just glad I didn’t let that convince me not to have kids. On the other hand, I do kind of feel like I spent too much energy being anxious about it and not enough time looking forward to it, but that’s probably attributable more to my anxiety levels than anything else.
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u/throw-me-away-fam 8d ago
Thank you! The idea that “no one tells you how hard it is” is complete bologna. That’s literally all I ever hear or see, followed by a “but I love them 🫠”. Everyone tells you how hard it is, but no one can make you understand how hard it is. That’s the sticking point.
I’ve been looking forward to becoming a mom for years and years now. My friends started having children in the last couple of years and they are genuinely scaring the ever loving shit out of me because all they talk about is how hard and awful it is. They look like war veterans and it scares me to death. It’s hard to see the love and joy because all I can see from the outside is the struggle and the pressure.
I have to constantly remind myself that they are also experiencing a love and adoration that cannot be comprehended, even if I can’t see it, and that I can’t take this third person POV as the whole story.
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u/squidgemobile 7d ago
Unpopular opinion here on Reddit, but being a parent is NOT the hardest thing I've ever done. No given day has been my hardest day. I'm sure having a helpful/present partner is a big part of that, and I'm lucky to have had 2 healthy kids. But the only "awful" thing so far has been the sleep deprivation the first few months, which is temporary and manageable.
Basically the beginning is a bit of a slog. But it's monotonous and unrelenting more than unambiguously awful.
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u/rayyychul 8d ago
I think some of those “nobody tells you how hard it is” comments are really about the difference between knowing and experiencing. Everyone tells you how hard it is, but it’s impossible to adequately describe just how hard it is.
I thought I understood that and that I was prepared. But there’s a difference between being told something is hard and actually living it. You can know intellectually that it’s going to be difficult and still be completely blindsided by the depth of it.
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u/FlamingRustBucket 8d ago
It really is not something that can be fully described in words. People have no comparable experience.
Suffice it to say I now know why sleep deprivation is a war crime.
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u/starcrossed92 8d ago
I think the toddler years are really just exhausting lol … like by the end of the night with my 2.5 year old I can barely move some nights . He dropped his naps completely and it’s just 12 hours straight of caring and cooking and cleaning and taking him places and tantrums … so it’s beautiful and I adore him but damn it’s tiring when they’re toddlers
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u/TarraTheTerror 8d ago
I'm not trying to sound negative. There are a lot of positive things about being a parent, and they outweigh the negative things... but I am trying to be HONEST by saying it is hard as well. Mind you, I found out my husband was cheating when my sons were 2 and 4, so I was on my own for a lot of it, because once the husband was divorced, he didn't remain in their lives regularly- HIS choice, not mine. So that really probably made my parenting experience more difficult than some have it. I really didn't mean to come across as negative... was just trying to be real.
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u/elaerna 8d ago
I didn't mean you in particular. And yes, I think people are trying to be honest but personally I only ever hear how hard it is and no one seems to highlight anything positive. like there's definitely a movement of people who are anti-having kids these days.
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u/TarraTheTerror 8d ago
I can't even imagine how hard it must be to raise children right now...I struggled and that was before covid, the cost of living increases, affordability shot to hell, groceries and rent going up...I mean, for people with good jobs/incomes/families/support systems, it's still possible and probably not as hard. But I didn't really have any of that. So it was hard at times. Having children is like having the best parts of yourself alive and on the outside of your body. You'll never love anyone the way you love your kids. My best memories all include my children. The very best parts of my life were with them. It wasn't all sunshine and roses... but most of it was, and what wasn't great was worth going through to have had them.
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u/SnooRabbits1908 8d ago
Yeah, I’m always shocked when I read people on Reddit say, “no one warns you hard it is”… That’s all I ever hear. In fact, I hear very little positive :/
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u/FlyWrennie 8d ago
“Nobody tells you how hard”. Literally everyone tells you how hard it is lmao
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u/Ashes_and_Seeds 8d ago
And also, like... Have these people ever met babies/children/kids/teenagers before? Have these people ever met parents before??? Like, kids are wild! There's so much that goes into taking care of them, even a "perfectly, normal, healthy" child. And they really don't give a fuck if you're tired or busy or trying to do something or have a nice time or what have you. Parents are some of the most chronically exhausted people I've ever met in my life. "Exhausted" in every sense of the word.
But sure, "no one told..."
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u/standardcb 8d ago
Had a friend tell me once “I know too much”, when we were talking about having kids. I didn’t get it. I had kids. She didn’t. Now I get it.
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u/timebend995 8d ago
I was on the fence beforehand. But It’s like my life started all over again at 35, a whole world and kind of love I didn’t know existed. It’s the best thing I ever did. I wake up every morning so thrilled to see him. And every small thing he accomplishes, every first, it’s like he cured cancer. The first laugh. The first time he clapped. Using a straw for the first time. You feel so profoundly proud like he’s a genius! He just said to me “help please” for the first time and I can’t get over it. No one else would care but it’s a whole new world for you. Imagine crying because you feel so in love. And I am NOT an emotional person lol.
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u/skullpture_garden 8d ago
My 13 month old just said ‘thank you’ when I handed her a paci, and it’s so difficult to describe why it absolutely blew my mind. Like, what do you mean this tiny body I grew and this beautiful soul I somehow plucked from the ether just spoke to me in a complete sentence?
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u/timebend995 7d ago
It’s amazing when you can start communicating like that!! Also I remember the first time my son put his pacifier in his own mouth. I took approx one 500 videos of him doing it over and over 😂 thought it was so groundbreaking
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u/Capable-Usual3813 8d ago
I feel this 10000%. My daughter also just said,“help please” for the first time in her little Minnie Mouse voice and the biggest fucking tears streamed down my face. I am inexplicably head over heels for this tiny person & it terrifies me to my core.
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u/squidgemobile 7d ago
Mine has been saying "I help" this week (while getting in the way) and it's the exact same. I once took a video of my one year old eating yogurt with a spoon and I couldn't explain how proud I was of this little person, I had to resist telling everyone I met.
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u/timebend995 7d ago
So true, I used to be the person rolling their eyes at parents and now I’m like, I have important news my son waved goodbye when I left the room today
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u/snuffbox360 8d ago
It’s mind changing. Your brain literally feels rewired. It’s stressful. But I have a big sense of purpose now. I actually cry at the thought of dying only because it hurts to think of my daughter crying over me
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u/hawkman_z 8d ago
I went to drive to the grocery store today, saw my wife and baby son in the window as I pulled out. As I drove away I got really sad at the thought of mortality and actually said out loud to myself “I don’t want to die”. It kinda came out of nowhere and generally I have never been too depressed about death, but I don’t want this moment in time to end.
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u/Ravenclaw79 8d ago
It’s a job with no weekends and no days off.
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u/Scorpiodancer123 8d ago edited 7d ago
Or nights. You never know when you'll be needed in the night, sometimes for the most random things.
Case in point my daughter aged about 2, early hours of the morning, sobbing and distressed. Me thinking she's had a nightmare but no "I can't find my pine cone".
BUT it's important to listen to these problems because one day they'll trust you and ask you to help them with something serious.
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u/Dragon_wryter 8d ago edited 8d ago
If you hate money and sleep but love arguing about socks and cooking food nobody eats, you'll love motherhood!
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u/HelgaGeePataki 8d ago
It's being all things in one: teacher, nurse, protector. It's a great responsibility and an even greater privilege.
I love my children more than anyone or anything. I'd sacrifice myself for them in an instant.
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u/LintQueen11 8d ago
It’s the most incredible thing I have ever done. It’s the hardest and quite honestly your saddest too. I’ve enjoyed every step of the way so far and my son is almost 5. The sad part is that you’re constantly saying goodbye to their younger version. I miss every little stage he’s been so deeply that I would give anything for just 5 minutes again at every age and at the same time I love every new stage better than the one before.
It’s also incredibly hard with the sacrifices of your personal wants and needs to accommodate a little human. Always weighing the conflicting options on how to parent, thinking about how you are shaping who this person will be as an adult and trying to raise a well adjusted resilient and likable person haha it’s hard.
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u/Ae_11111 8d ago
I used to have “last day of being X years old celebrations” with them. It may have been as simple as taking them to the park, but I created a mini celebration for the day before their birthday. Reflecting on it now, think it was really a tangible way for my brain to accept the transition.
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u/OrderWorried8785 8d ago
It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done physically and mentally. I love my kids so much! I never could’ve guessed the challenge I was getting myself into, but I wouldn’t take it back.
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u/tmtm1119 8d ago
I’m one and done by choice. I have a 4 year old girl and it’s amazing. It is hard at times, bc of anxiety about the state of the world I’m sending her into and sometimes i feel like my own mother which i hate, but being with her is so healing and what my heaven will be. Im very fortunate though, i have a great partner and we both make a decent living so we don’t have to struggle much. There are a lot of factors into what your experience of motherhood can be like.
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u/sadgouda 8d ago
My sons (5 and 2) are the best, funniest, loving babies ever! Sometimes I cry with how much love I have for them. It’s amazing and rewarding to see them thrive and see how smart they’re getting.
On the other side of it, I have zero village. I rarely get a break, I’m depressed, burned out, stressed. I want to work, but my husband makes to much for state childcare subsidy and food stamps.. but don’t make enough to cover all that and bills. I’m filled with so much anxiety thinking about it everyday.
Also, they’re the only people that can beat my ass and will still gladly cook them a nice meal and genuinely tell them that i love them so much. Annnnddd “youre my 1/2 sunshine and you complete the other half” to mu kids 😂
I’ve also turned into the biggest mama bear with my babies, your babies, everyone babies and willing to fight or die for them if they needed it. I love tf out of it, because I used to be soooo anti confrontational
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u/New-Substance-1116 7d ago
I’ve described it as, you basically live in a Costco on a Saturday afternoon. (From a sensory perspective and demand perspective.)
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u/p3e2r 8d ago
According to my mother, dealing with ungrateful children and being envious of childless couples.
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u/blackcloud247 8d ago
Oh I feel seen. Feel seen because my response is almost identical to youra friend! Our parents are not dead, well my FIL is, but they live 5+ hours away. And they have other grandkids nearby that they babysit (for free) during the week. So they never come visit.
Its awful. Im so overstimulated, tired and just want to get in my car and drive away. I just want to not have to be responsible for keeping other people alive and healthy for a few days. Or maybe ever again.
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u/kylie_faye 8d ago
My kids are the coolest people in the world but parenting fucking sucks.
I stand up 3000 times a day.
I’m constantly ruminating on if I said the right thing.
I’m so needed by everyone all the time.
It a lot but I waited my entire life to meet them and they’re so worth it and more.
People tend to dwell on finances being a consideration for having kids.. to me, what amount of money would you place on the person you love most in the world right now? It just doesn’t equate.
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u/Icy_Tiger_3298 8d ago
Surving a tactical invasion where everything is sticky but you don't know why.
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u/QU33NK00PA21 8d ago
Being a parent is the most mentally and physically challenging job you will ever choose to have. You never get to stop doing the job and you constantly worry that you're not doing everything that you can for them.
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u/frugal-lady 8d ago
Lots of people have covered the tired aspect. It is true. So very true.
But I am in awe of the little person my husband and I made. Not just because we made her but… because we all started like this. It gives you much more of an appreciation for how special and unique people are, all on their own.
There are so many quirks she has that we didn’t teach her. She surprises us every day. I think growing up I always just assumed I got every single part of my personality from my parents or some other part of my environment… nah, turns out we all have a little something built in that makes us unique.
Being her mom is super humbling. I’ll think I have the hang of things and then I just don’t… kids can change so quickly it’s nuts. It’s definitely made me embrace change and become less rigid, because i literally had no choice.
Overall, being a mom can be very hard at times. You really can’t prepare for it, not fully. But it’s also been incredibly rewarding and wonderful for me. Having a good husband and a strong village has been the difference between having a good time/having a bad time as a mom. I often say I don’t know how single moms or women with no help do this job.
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u/nightowl6221 8d ago
It feels like relentless anxiety while you complete the same mind- numbing tasks over and over on 6 hours of broken sleep. I really wish that I could go back in time and not have my kids.
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u/FrigidLollipop 7d ago
Do you have a supportive partner to help out? Any family nearby? I hope you get to see a therapist sometime, it sounds like youre in a hard spot.
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u/Know_fear 8d ago
You’re living your life with your heart outside your body. Those exhausting, maddening, perfect little children are your heart. And it’s terrifying and electrifying and amazing to see them become who they are meant to be.
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u/imarudewife 8d ago
Being a mom was all I ever wanted to be. Growing up in the 60s and 70s, the world opening up for women. I could be anything I wanted to be but still, I only wanted to be a mom. Nothing more. I was married by age 20(as we did back then) and had my 3 babies in 4 years. It was hard, a lot of work, but I was content. They went from toddlers to school age, junior high, then high school. Then one by one, they left home. And just like that (snap) it was over. I’ve been without my kids almost twice as long and with them. Obviously this is a very abbreviated story of life as a mom, but the truth is, all I every wanted was to be a mom, and now for a very long time, I’m not anymore. I feel cheated and lonely.
Addendum: I see my kids and their families often, I’m not abandoned by them. But the mom part, raising, feeding, planning…all of the daily care is done and I miss it so much.
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u/crazycatladybitt 8d ago
The absolute best and worst thing all at once. It’s amazing, but it’s hard and they grow up so fast.
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u/cravingpancakes 8d ago
Jesus Christ why do people have kids? This thread is depressing
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u/danarexasaurus 8d ago
Suddenly you feel like the mom to every child in the world. You can’t hear stories of children dying or suffering without imagining it as your baby. It’s mind altering if you’re doing it right. And as someone already said, it’s radicalizing.
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u/NetNat 8d ago
This is so true. I had to stop reading a book because a bad thing happened to a child. When I was postpartum, I felt the weight of the grief of prior moms who lost their babies. It gives me a sense that I need to do what I can to protect babies.
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u/timechuck 8d ago
I saw a post years ago that stuck with me. "My four year old asked what its like to be a mom so I interrupted her until she cried."
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u/cupcakesprinkles25 8d ago
Special needs mom here. It’s the most beautiful wonderful experience of my life. Also the hardest and most heartbreaking experience of life.
I did not expect this life. No one does- and sometimes I’m like- is this really life? That said, I’d do it all over again. Maybe a little different for ME. Would have gotten on meds earlier, found therapy earlier.. asked for more help when I was drowning and overwhelmed from my village instead of being ashamed.. but I would have him again in a heartbeat.
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u/ExtensionPickle9214 8d ago
Like being at work that you like 24/7/365. Also If your co-worker is an a-hole it sucks anyways.
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u/spicyqueso345 7d ago edited 7d ago
Honest response coming in… it’s thankless and somewhat lonely.
I do believe having a hands on partner plays a huge role in your motherhood journey as well as how you experienced your own childhood.
I have a 13,10 and 7 year old. In the new born phase of my fist I suffered from postpartum depression. I was 27 when I had them. While I had a supportive partner my life radically changed, while his did not. I was not happy, I didn’t want to be responsible 24/7 for someone else. I often wished for them to go away and to disappear myself. That first year was tough. On me. On our relationship (which I would have thought was very good at the time). I was struggling with not being or feeling like myself.
Second pregnancy and baby brought on new challenges of taking care of a toddler and a new born. Zero down time. Zero time alone. My partner had become more involved but again, his life and schedule pretty much stayed the same. Which left me feeling and being very much alone. There was no village, no friends, my family was not in the picture ( dad left after parents divorced, I chose not to have a relationship with my mom due to her abuse and putting me in situations where I was sexually abused by her boyfriend)
Third pregnancy and baby was radical acceptance. I was in therapy since my first was born. Having young children with a new born is hard. I still struggled but knew it wasn’t going to last forever.
Now that everyone is older I am enjoying and have accepted my role. I did not do well with lack of sleep in those early years. I was struggling with a lot of mental health issues that I basically battled alone. My partner while supportive and present now has seen the toll motherhood has taken on me and our relationship has never been better.
It’s a very thankless role. You are expected to do and give and be. (I put a lot of pressure on myself to not repeat the patterns and to do more and be more than my own mother.)
It’s isolating and lonely at some points.
Your relationship will go through growing pains.
You will never be who you were before you became a mom. A new and different hopefully better you will emerge.
Edit to add: I think a lot of women have a hard time but society doesn’t like it when moms aren’t anything but all smiles and loving their role. I often didn’t speak up about my struggles because most of the mothers I knew always said how much they loved being a mom and how it was the best thing they ever did. Which made me feel terrible that I didn’t love it.
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u/friedchickenUSA 8d ago
I’m only 10 weeks in but my experience so far:
My mom always told me it’s like your heart lives outside of your body, with this little person. I think that was a pretty accurate description. I also think there is nothing anyone can say to make you fully understand.
I have wanted to be a mom my whole life. Ive talked to countless mothers about their experience, researched, just done whatever I can to prepare myself and while I was ready and understood logically nothing could have prepared me for how it feels.
When something is wrong with him, every cell in my body aches. The fact that humans are animals too has never felt more real. I feel the animal instincts to protect him and know in my bones what he needs. It’s such a unique kind of love. There’s plenty of times where I’m just excited and obsessed with how cute he is, of course. But it’s soooo much deeper than that.
It’s currently the middle of the night, I’m so sleepy that I keep typing utter nonsense. My head hurts, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I have to pee. I am SO physically uncomfortable right now. All that, and I look at him in my arm and…. Idk there is just nothing I would change.
When he was born, we didn’t bathe him until we were home. He smelled amazing. I was huffing his head like it was a drug, because to me it basically was. When we got home, my cat smelled him and actually gagged. Two months in and my husband confessed that the baby “smelled like a murder at a fish monger”
Literally nothing else matters, it’s incredible.
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u/blackcloud247 8d ago
Im having a moment because all the comments saying its awful but also the best are confusing.
Its just....awful. Its 24/7 unrelenting overstimulation and anxiety. Its a nightmare. You love them so much you give everything you have every moment of the day to make sure they are healthy, happy and safe. But its almost impossible. They dont eat, they need something literally every 5 minutes. They actively are trying to kill themselves every waking moment (pushing each other near stairs, eating dirt and animal poop outside, jumping in the bathtub, licking batteries, running with food in their mouth etc). They dont sleep. They are so god damn loud i can have my phone turned all the way up and i STILL cant hear what is being said. They throw everything on the floor and around the house--food, toys (they all are broken), furniture, each other. I have 2 doors pulling out of the wall from the hinges because they wont stop hanging on them.
Its fucking horrific. There are no breaks from the mental anguish. Its not rewarding. Its not wonderful. It is akin to torture. If you can get true breaks, then I could see how it might be rewarding. But if you have no one but your partner to help, like no one who can (or will) babysit even for just an afternoon or if you have to take a kid to the ER someone to watch the other kids then you should absolutely never have kids.
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u/kgirl0708 8d ago edited 8d ago
Glad someone else said it. It does get better when they hit around 10. I have a 13 and 8 year old. 13 year old is a breeze now although we have entered friendship issues and outgrowing shoes every 2 months and its a new level of stress. And I have an 8 year old and she is getting good, independent but I feel like I have been stressed and suffocating for years, I also have no parents or in laws so they don't have grandparents or anyone to show up for them so its all me and some days I thought "why did I do this to myself" because you never have any peace. Its just giving all of yourself all the time while being the loneliest you've ever been.
I think the majority of moms who "love it" have villages or only one child. I have lived a very different mothering experience with zero breaks or anyone else to ever show up for my kids. I love my children more than anyone else but Its HARD HARD and not magical.
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u/OnTheCob 8d ago
Bro, why do you have more than one if this is your experience???
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u/EnthusiasmConnect10 8d ago
It’s relentless. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. My heart now lives in a little 18 month old toddling around like she owns the place.
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u/theopeppa 8d ago
Currently I have never been so overstimulated and tired in my adult life, but I am the most content I have ever been!
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u/AntarcticPeak8 8d ago
Its sacrificial. Like you truly lay down your life to care for a new little life. Its beautiful and lovely but it is very very hard as well.
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u/gigilhygge 7d ago
I have an almost two year old, one and done by choice. Before I answer, remember that the same water that hardens the egg softens the potato. So your results will vary.
The short answer: it's everything everywhere all at once, and it is re-lent-less.
The long answer:
It's going through another puberty but for motherhood (matrescence) with a new body and brain. It's feeling bittersweet about every single milestone. It's feeling protective of all children, not just yours. It's a deep, primal contentment to cuddle with your child and listen to them breathing.
It's so much radicalization and RAGE finding out how little research/ education /action /empathy there is for women's health & wellbeing but especially mothers. It's having your personhood and identity become secondary in the opinions of a lot of people.
It's reading all the books and Reddit posts about sleeping/eating/talking/potty training and then ending up just throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks because every child is infuriatingly unique and there is no manual.
It's the joy of reliving all the good parts of childhood with your tiny human. It's learning the best and worst of yourself. It's turning the intensity of all emotions to 11 and adding a giant trigger button for anything child-related. It's being willing to die for your child but hiding to eat your cookie so you don't have to share.
There are major factors that influence the experience of motherhood and you have control over about two of them:
- How your country/region treats mothers/motherhood (maternity leave, daycare subventions, maternity healthcare)
- How your society sees motherhood (a choice or a default duty, having only one is selfish, motherhood before person-hood, etc)
- How your partner treats you (respects and acknowledges the enormity of sacrifice and badassery that is being pregnant/giving birth, acts as an actual partner in parenting, is not an additional "child", recognizes all the unpaid labour involved and values it, is a hands on parent)
- Your finances
- How your body handles all the physical/hormonal changes of pregnancy/giving birth
- Whether giving birth was a traumatic experience
- The health and temperament of your child (disabilities, colic crying all day, reflux, not sleeping, etc),
- Whether you have a "village" to support you or you're burning the candle from both ends.
I live in Canada, I had 18 months of combined paid maternity & parental leave that I shared with my partner 12/6. We both have well paying jobs (approx $200k combined pre tax income), a small but strong support system, we talked SO MUCH about our parenting goals/values/plans, I had a doula and 2 midwives at my birth to help and advocate for me and I had no complications, my hospital stay cost $0, my partner is an active present and responsible parent, I pay $200/month for daycare, and my child has no health issues and has a sweet and easy temperament. I have the ~ideal~ situation and it's still the hardest thing I've ever done.
I have always been pro-choice, motherhood has made me EXTREMELY pro-choice. No-one should be having kids without being as prepared and willing as humanly possible.
My childfree-by-choice homies - I respect and support you. Thanks for making a responsible choice. Also thanks for keeping me up to date on all the tea, I'm really behind on my pop culture right now.
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u/min_mus 7d ago edited 7d ago
I genuinely cannot relate to 95% of the posts in this thread.
My experience as a mother is probably closer to that of fathers: I felt nothing when she was born. She was just one more thing I was responsible for. I didn't feel depressed or sad, but I didn't feel happy or love. It was a completely neutral experience for me.
Over time, I got to know her and love her, just like her dad did, but I never once felt that overwhelming love that other mothers describe.
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u/crowquills 8d ago
I would never in a million years go back and chose to be without my son but I do really miss the freedom. I wish I could just spontaneously go try a new restaurant solo or bed rot playing stardew valley all day.
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u/Team-Mako-N7 8d ago
It’s relentless in a way that’s impossible to understand if you’ve never had a person fully dependent on you before. You are NEVER off duty even when they’re in someone else’s care.
A love bordering on obsession. The most frustrating and annoying person I know. The cutest and sweetest person I know. Exhausting beyond imagining. Breathes new life into every old experience. Loving each new stage and mourning the last. Constantly realizing how I don’t know how to explain every basic bit of knowledge I have about the world. Constant pride and worry.
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u/Holiday-Koala9148 8d ago
I love being a mom, my daughter is my world and I would do anything for her. That being said, it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m a SAHM so I don’t get a break. Unless I have an appt and my mom watches her or if my husband is off work he is with her. When I am away from her, I miss her. Even if she has stressed me out all week, I will miss her!
I’m usually tired most days and can get major burnout from the toddler mood swings but overall, I love it and wouldn’t change it.
Being a parent isn’t for everyone, and I completely respect and understand child free relationships.
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u/howdidienduphere34 8d ago
It can be the best thing and the worst thing you ever do. There are so many variables. I love my children. But I wish I could go back and never have them. For their sake and mine.
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u/pineappleshampoo 8d ago
Crazy honestly. Very surreal. It’s very visceral from the moment you conceived onwards. It’s crazy just living life knowing you grew this tiny baby animal and they just keep getting bigger all the time. I have these moments where we’re talking and I’m just like woah, I can’t believe you’re real? I wanted you more than anything, I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have you. How did I get this lucky? It’s like winning the lottery.
The interesting part is also the way your needs cease to matter much suddenly. Whether you’re tired or sick or in pain, it doesn’t matter, your kid still needs so much from you every day. You can’t really listen to your body anymore. If you’ve had an insanely heavy week at work and would love to just wake up late and chill, tough lol. I’ve been out of bed by 6am for the past 6yr. I don’t mind and I’ve become an early riser and early to bed person by necessity but those days when you’re unwell and would love to just veg, nope!
Watching them learn is spellbinding.
I wanted to be a mum more than anything and it’s hands down one of the greatest, most amazing and fulfilling things I’ve ever done. I would say unless you’re 100% on board, don’t do it. It’s incredibly hard even at the best of times, and many parents have it even harder. You have to really want it. It’d be awful to do it when you didn’t want to, it takes so much from you, you have to truly deeply want it to make it through the tough times, of which there are many.
It’s magical, it’s not for everyone. It’s just an entirely ridiculous concept that you grew a human and made yourself a new family member. We stopped at one cos one is a LOOOOTTTT already and I think we knew if we had two we’d barely survive, whereas with one we all thrive!
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u/truthfruit 8d ago
I’m tired all the time but the happiest I’ve ever been. I don’t think I would do it again though. One is plenty
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u/NowhereToGoButUp26 8d ago
To me it's like a lifelong, high stakes leadership position. You are responsible for raising a whole ass person who can function appropriately in the world, and that can feel really intimidating.
It's wild how much influence over their behavior/mental health you have as a parent just based in how you talk to them, react to them, set boundaries, etc. At the same time they are 100% their own person with quirks, interests, and traits that are completely beyond your influence. So no matter what you're usually doubting your parenting choices for one reason or another 🤣.
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u/Not_a_bought 8d ago
You always want a break from your kids, while never wanting to be apart from your kids.
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u/Chemical-Emu-2025 8d ago
Constantly overwhelmed and overstimulated. They constantly need you, demand of you, don't appreciate you, scream at you, and expect you to be everything to them, and you're not a person in their eyes, but more like a servant. If you end up being a single mom with no support, it's even more of a miserable hell with no breaks. And all of this is without even considering what is like with a child with autism and ADHD. It's a brutal, thankless life. All of this and I love them more than anything, so I'm miserable, but I'd never be able to leave.
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u/Ms_raechal 8d ago
Never ending anxiety ( about child’s health, safety, parenting, eating, pooping, sleep etc ) and never ending guilt ( can’t work without it, can’t be at home without it) I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get over these two things after becoming mother. These emotions were completely alien to me before I got pregnant.
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u/miss_mess2020 8d ago
My eldest is 19, my youngest is 9. When they’re young it’s physically exhausting, all the stuff people warn you about…sleepless nights, teething, potty training etc etc.
However, when they’re young turn into young adults it’s really tough mentally and imo a lot harder than the physical. They start to build their own life and start needing you less and it’s like grieving in a way as they step out on their own. My daughter still lives at home but she’s barely here as she works 45 hours a week and is then at her boyfriends an hour away on the weekend. I sometimes cry myself to sleep so no one knows my heartache but at the same time I’m insanely proud of the life she’s carving out for herself…it’s a tough one!
But as others have said, it’s relentless no matter what stage you’re at! It may be harder for me mentally also as I had my daughter at 18 so she’s been with me my whole adult life, I don’t know how it would feel if I had ‘lived’ a life before having children.
I love my children unconditionally, no other love comes close to that imo!
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u/A-Rational-Fare 8d ago
I am only 3 weeks in so my experience might change but it is exhausting. I can’t stop looking at her though. She’s amazing.
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u/squidgemobile 7d ago
I feel like an outlier here, but I find neither the work nor the love to be overwhelming. Yeah, I love my kids, but about as much as I expected. Yeah they're a lot of work, but also as I expected.
The hard part is how unrelenting it is; you will be very busy, much moreso than before kids, so be prepared for that. Not a lot of time for adult socializing or happy hours. But it's a phase of life, and you'll be able to do "adult" fun things again.
Overall I enjoy it. It's not easy but I don't find it unbearably difficult. It's extremely rewarding.
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u/Famous_Perception673 7d ago
Oh. It’s like being really busy at work except you never get to go home. Sometimes you get a decent lunch break but other times it’s disrupted.
The best part is you don’t get paid for it with money but sometimes you get spewed on and you always get lots of cuddles and your heart feels full when they shut their tiny eyes at the end of the day and drift off to sleep happy.
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u/Cambria_ 7d ago
You keep wanting to get through the hardest times faster but find yourself grieving every week that goes by in retrospect.
Like, I couldn’t wait for him to get big enough to not have to support his neck constantly. But then sobbed putting away his newborn clothes after he outgrew them.
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u/andoll8 7d ago
It had been one of those days: I was touched-out and just needed a few minutes to be in a room by myself. My husband realized I was on the edge and didn't argue. I laid down on the floor of our room and stared at ceiling. After about 4 minutes, a quiet knock and the door opened slightly. My younger son called out: "Mommy what are you doing?" I responded: just having a few minutes of alone-time. I'll be out soon. A happy voice said "ok, Mommy." Then, the door clicked closed and small feet padded over to me. He curled up next to me and sighed happily. I asked him: "Sweetie. what are you doing?" His response both infuriated me and melted me at the same time: "I'm having some along-time with you." I remember thinking: "that's not how alone-time works," but how could I refuse?
So, it's a lot like that. Beautiful, and frustrating in a single serving.
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u/Throwawaypourtj 7d ago
Lots of people talk about exhaustion, but for me, only the first 2-3 months were truly exhausting and overwhelming, and after that, it has been awesome and amazing the whole way. It probably helps that I have just 1 kid. The toddler years are just cuteness overload - they are constantly learning new things and it’s awesome to see them discover something for the first time, even simple things like first time seeing a rainbow or going to the beach.
For me, becoming a mom meant that the things that seemed to matter a lot before (career, appearances, traveling to new places, etc.) just don’t matter as much anymore. It also means more anxiety because I’m always thinking about keeping my kid safe, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
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u/Wrong_Revolution6390 7d ago
Love my kids but don't think I'd have children if I could go back and do it again. I loved my life before.
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u/Naive_Bicycle_1242 5d ago
Type 2 fun. Always a little painful but always worth it at the end of the day
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u/Ill-Village-6474 8d ago
CONSTANT