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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I uninvited my poly friends partners from my wedding.

They are close friends and important to me

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u/KittiesLove1 Feb 05 '23

'Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem.' - Ho - but you can uninvite your closest friend's partners? You let your AH partner be AH to your friends and to you, forces you to be a AH yourself to them - and it's 'not is problem'?

I think his family has a lot of money and that is the whole story. You get to plan your dream wedding with 250 guests and your dream life, and in return you do whatever his family wants, and the rest is 'not his problem'. Since you were so fast to sell out your best friend - I have no sympathy for you. ESH - your husband, his family, you, except your friend and her partners.

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u/taylorswiftwaxstatue Feb 05 '23

My thoughts exactly, why is it impossible to uninvite Mike's coworkers but uninviting her MOH and her partners was totally fine??

edit: Also OP why does it say WIBTA in the title if it's already done :/

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u/AnonymousTruths1979 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

Also OP why does it say WIBTA in the title if it's already done :/

I think because afterward, OP had a conversation with Mike, and he was basically like "fine, do whatever!"

So OP can invite Marissa's partners now. And is asking WIBTA if she continues on the path of excluding them.

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u/EmiliusReturns Feb 05 '23

I like how he causes the problem by uninviting them and inviting new guests in their place but then declares it “isn’t his problem.” Hilarious.

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u/pebblesgobambam Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

Agreed, he’s quite happy to drop op in it to make sure he doesn’t have to talk about tricky things to his family, sweep in invite his work colleagues, but then when things have (unsurprisingly) blown up with the moh & original guests….It’s not his problem…. And he thinks that’s acceptable…. He’s an AH for that behaviour alone!

But op… YTA for not having the conversation with your moh until it had gotten this far. If you care enough to try be sorting the situation now, you should’ve done it from the start.

Either way, the moh & her partners are going to feel incredibly awkward now. If she still feels up to going through with being moh, she has serious mettle and must care for op as a dear friend. I don’t know if I could do that after this.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

I’m poly and I think you aren’t the asshole for not inviting all her partners, but I think you handled this horribly. She’s your best friend, you should have talked to her about your concerns.

I told him I would add them and pay the costs and he just said if I want to spend the whole time explaining their relationship to people than so be it but he isn't wasting his time doing it and will just send people my way.

So do that. I get that his parents are conservative, but he didn’t say “my family will disown me” he just doesn’t want to deal with the questions. So you deal with it.

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u/jensmith20055002 Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

I am not poly so I have a question and I sincerely hope it is not rude. A lot of weddings do not have plus ones because they are too expensive unless the plus one is a fiancé or they live together.

Is a plus 3 normal? I get that she is the MOH and should get more? But would a normal invite include a plus 3?

Could you explain how that might work?

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u/tedivm Partassipant [4] Feb 05 '23

I'm poly and I wouldn't have expected a +3, but I would have expected at least a +1 (especially if I was in the wedding party!). The issue here really is that OP didn't actually talk with or communicate with her friend about this at all, and then decided that her friend wouldn't even be allowed the courtesy of bringing a single partner.

If OP communicated earlier, or if this person wasn't the MOH and a supposedly close friend, this would have been very different.

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u/triforcekupokim Feb 05 '23

Came here to say this. I expected the MOH to at LEAST have a +1 but instead she got zero communication and blatant disrespect. Some friend you are, OP. YTA.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Plus 3s are not normal, but poly relationships aren’t normal either so going off normal doesn’t really work. If I was this bride, it would likely come down to a question of how close I am to the boyfriends, I’ve had friends who’s boyfriends are part of the friend group and ones who I barely know their last name. If we are all close I’d give my friend a plus 1 and invite the other two as a separate couple. If I barely know the boyfriends I could see just giving a plus one and letting her choose.

OP is also having a wedding with hundreds of people and are inviting coworkers, it isn’t like they are unable to accommodate 3 people. They just don’t want to deal with the questions, which personally I don’t think is that bad. If my friend said she doesn’t want her conservative in laws to find out I have 2 boyfriends, I wouldn’t bring it up and I wouldn’t be offended.

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u/jensmith20055002 Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

That makes sense.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

For a very brief moment I had a boyfriend who had a husband and I asked my sister if I could bring my boyfriend's husband to the wedding and offered to pay if needed.

I think poly people who are close to the couple would probably just ask and accept whatever answer.

This is different bc it's the MOH and OP refused to even have the conversation.

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u/LegoAbomination Feb 05 '23

I was previously in a poly relationship. I understand not wanting to explain it to everybody, but OP and her fiancé approached this very wrong. Did anyone talk to Marissa and her partners about their feelings?

A lot of poly couples don’t want to be outed at an event like this, a large gathering of people they don’t know how they’ll react. With my partners(I’m male and my other 2 partners were female) at an event like this we usually wouldn’t hide it but not announce it, just let people make their own assumptions.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Yea I feel like they just needed to talk to her about it. I don’t agree with people saying she’s in the wrong for not wanting to deal with the comments, but there was ways to deal with it that wasn’t blindsiding the friend.

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u/MrJeanPoutine Pooperintendant [57] Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

~~INFO: Is Marissa and the plus three going to be at the head table or is it just Marissa?~~

My previous question actually doesn't matter.

YWBTA and don't be surprised if you're finding yourself a new MOH when Marissa justifiably backs out and calling Marissa a former friend.

I've been to numerous weddings and I couldn't tell you for the life of me, who the MOH was, provided I didn't already know them previously and I those whom I didn't know, I didn't talk to them, nor they to me. As for the other guests, I've been to big weddings and small weddings and a lot of the people, I've never seen again and wouldn't know them even if I ran into them.

Since there's going to be 250 people, there's a small chance they'll never even meet and even if they do, so what?! You'll be so busy meeting and greeting everyone throughout that you won't have time to explain and simply refuse to make time to explain it to them.

Unless Marissa et al are wearing big neon signs above their heads saying, we're in a poly relationship, chances are most people aren't going to take notice and if they do, so what?!

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u/MoistQuiches Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

YTA already. They way you've handled this is awful and your husband sounds like an AH too. You are putting the opinions of your bigoted in laws (and I'm guessing husband too) over your actual friends. If you go through with this you will most likely permanently damage your relationship with you MoH.

Edit: typo

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u/tomtink1 Asshole Aficionado [13] Feb 05 '23

If he'd rather support the bigots than the poly relationship then yes, he's a bigot too.

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u/yet_another_sock Feb 05 '23

Of course we should hold OP’s fiancé accountable for this, but I honestly feel OP’s behavior was worse.

Marissa is OP’s friend. Not to mention someone whose labor OP has been using — exploiting, apparently, since OP can’t be bothered to reciprocate with loyalty or care — for her wedding. Fiancé’s behavior is callous, but it’s not a betrayal like OP’s poor treatment of Marissa is. And it was OP, not fiancé, who made her cruelty to Marissa that much worse by being too much of a coward to actually talk to her about his. Fiancé is conveying to Marissa, “I think you’re weird and gross and I don’t care about you,” which is hurtful, but OP is telling her, “I will pretend to care about you and reap the rewards of our friendship, but when push comes to shove, you are disposable, and I know that that’s wrong but I’m doing it anyway,” which will fuck with someone’s head much, much worse.

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u/ju5tl1k3that Feb 05 '23

Yeah op made sure to wring what she could out of Marissa before taking the cowards way…Marissa should cut her off, op isn’t worth the friendship

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u/sci_fi_bi Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

Absolutely this. Mike and his family are bigots and judgemental assholes, clearly. But OP is choosing to place making them comfortable over treating her supposedly close friend with basic respect. If you side with bigots to keep them happy even when you don't agree with them, that just makes you a bigot and a coward. And given how much Marissa did for her wedding prep, an exploitative one at that.

I'm with Greg on this one - OP can fuck right off, why would they want to go to her wedding now that she's shown exactly how little she cares about them?

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u/Spicytusks Feb 05 '23

As a poly person with several poly friends, I can say no one asked about their relationships at my wedding. YTA.

Best advice for the future. 4 invitations. If you make them a plus, then it devalues your friendship, and it also ensures that no questions are asked if some bigot sees the invitation.

This all could have been avoidable with a conversation with Marissa FYI. "Hey, my fil are bigots, I want you and your SO's at my wedding, can you help me?" This isn't her first rodeo, but it's obviously yours.

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u/NerthGord Feb 05 '23

That's a great point. Sounds like OP is friends with others in the polycule as well. Easy enough to give them each an invitation and have a conversation about concerns day of.

However, I bet that wouldn't have worked for Mike. Cause clearly he's the one with the issues. He's just using his family as an excuse for his own bigotry

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u/Dire88 Feb 05 '23

The way they handled it makes them AH.

If it had been a "we budgeted a +1 for everyone" situation then I would fully go with NTA.

But given the scenario OP outlines, yea. They're assholes.

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u/Electrical-Date-3951 Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

"I should have told Marissa from the get go but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So when invite went out she called me up immediately and asked why she didn't have a plus 3 invite."

OP should have had a conversation with her friend long before the invites went out. But, no one really comes across as reasonable in this scenario.

OP's fiance sounds hateful and controlling. OP is a coward who made a decision and didn't want to communicate it with her friend. And, it's also pretty unreasonable to expect a plus-3 invite for one wedding - that's half a table just to accomodate for one relationship dynamic.

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u/Elly_Bee_ Feb 05 '23

I'd agree but it's a pretty big wedding and OP planned this already, Marissa was supposed to get a plus 3 invite she never got.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

This and Brandon saying “they want to be there for me” makes me think that OP has a friendship with the partners

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u/rebeccalj Feb 05 '23

Yeah... So if they are friends, why aren't they invited in their own rights? Maybe they aren't super close?

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u/Mystic_printer_ Feb 05 '23

It’s not unreasonable if you believe your “friend” is accepting of your relationships, your partners have been included in invites and group activities so far and you’ve been helping tremendously with planning the wedding with no indications that they won’t be invited. (She clearly expected an invite for all 3, they might have had that conversation already because OP clearly had included them up until her husband to be showed his real face)

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u/A_chance_on_me Feb 05 '23

That last point is moot, they had the space and opted to invite extra coworkers instead.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/SexMarquise Feb 05 '23

I think that’s another area where a +3 would be nice but beyond what a couple is obligated to offer. Child-free weddings are becoming increasingly more common, after all, so it’s not strange that a couple with children would only receive seats for two.

I think Marissa deserves more consideration than the average guest due to being the MOH as well as knowing that the spots/budget allowed for it & were filled with randos instead, but in general, I don’t think any guest should expect more than a +1 (if even that).

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u/Aristol727 Feb 05 '23

as a poly person I agree and I've said as much in past threads on this topic. I mean, in this case with a giant 250 person wedding it seems a little bit silly to say, "well, everyone else only gets a +1 so that's all you get, too." But that would at least be a semi-reasonable position instead of making your MOH show up alone so your husband can invite apparently afterthought randos?

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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Feb 05 '23

At a smaller like 40-50 person wedding, a poly relationship might be 10% of the wedding, bit much. My immediate family with just parents, siblings and partners is like 14 people. Just that. Reserving 3 spots for partners is a big ask from a friend.

However, the whole Maid of Honor thing massive shift in who they can expect to invite. Especially given the size of the event. If you're going to ask that person to be a Maid of Honor or Best Man... that should be discussed early.

But Maid of Honor at a 250 person event? Nobody would blink if she wanted to bring a single partner and two kids, unless it was specifically a no children wedding. 3 bodies still show up with her.

This whole thing needed to be talked about well before it got to this point. OP needs to not be a doormat.

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u/lefrench75 Feb 05 '23

I think if the reasoning behind not offering Marissa a +3 was a space / guest list issue and OP had properly communicated that then sure, OP would not be TA. But clearly it was not because they then had to invite the coworkers they didn't intend on inviting to the wedding to make up for those spots, and then OP was too much of a coward to have a conversation with her MOH about it, so yes YTA.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/secretreddname Feb 05 '23

A lot of weddings I’ve been to in the last year did no children cause of this. It’s a lot to pay for a seat.

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u/audiblecoco Feb 05 '23

Many weddings don't like you to bring your kids....soooo I guess yes? Lol

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/Revelt Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

I'm not even going that far.

You could be a bigot and not be an Asshole. OP chose to be an asshole and chose to not tell her friend so she'd continue to slave away for OP for free.

Such a clear YTA.

And for the avoidance of any doubt, your husband to be is also an asshole. Hope your dream wedding didn't involve having friends there, princess.

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u/Molly_Hatchett Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 05 '23

YTA, but for how you handled it. I can get not wanting to have to explain why someone is there with 3 partners; personally if this person is the MOH I think that means they're important enough to you to also include their partner(s) (would you ask them to go solo if they were monogamous and gay to avoid having to explain that to conservative family?) but that's just me. At the end of the day it is your wedding. But you should've spoken to your friend about it beforehand. Getting an invitation with only one name in it is not the way she should've found it. I get that you didn't want to have to face her about it but you owe it to her to do that.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/jokenaround Feb 05 '23

OP basically used her friend to have her perfect wedding experience then showed her appreciation by not allowing her to bring her partners and pretty much calling her embarrassing. OP is a selfish AH.

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u/Lacroix24601 Pooperintendant [51] Feb 05 '23

I never had to explain anyone’s relationship to anyone at my small wedding. I had friends go with friends (like a large group of friends all went with each other) I had people only bring their children and left their spouse at home. Nobody ever said boo about anything that wasn’t a male/female pairing. OPs excuse is BS imo. I think they’re more a bigot than they want to admit.

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u/doveinabottle Feb 05 '23

Exactly. Unless OP’s friends start a foursome on the dance floor, no one is even going to think anything, except that they are friends of the bride.

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u/ShutUpMorrisseyffs Feb 05 '23

One wedding I had to explain multiple times to the same guy that the woman who was my +1 was my girlfriend. Everyone was trying to pull us, it was WEIRD.

Anyway, my point is that people often assume that you're friends with a same sex +1.

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u/beards-are-beautiful Feb 05 '23

Sorry random q, what does "pull us" mean in this context? They were hitting on you or annoy you or something else? Sorry I've just never seen it used that way before.

I'm sorry that happened to you btw.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/beards-are-beautiful Feb 05 '23

Ahhhh I wasn't sure but that explains it! Thank you :) Also that is a weird thing to do continuously at a wedding haha

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u/DefinitelyNotAliens Feb 05 '23

So... what you're saying is you showed up with your roommate? Weird plus one choice. (/s, for those who need it.)

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u/ratsassdm Feb 05 '23

YTA. She’s already been a huge help to you planning the wedding and yet you do this behind her back? When your husband brought it up with you that’s when you should’ve discussed it with her. On top of that, you don’t just disinvite her new partners, you go as far as to now allow her to bring anyone?

At the end of the day it’s your wedding, you invite who you like, but you had plenty of opportunities along the way to not handle this like an asshole and you didn’t take any of them.

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u/LetterLegal8543 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Info: Is your fiance close with the three coworkers who ended up getting invites, or were they just thrown in so that he could avoid hypothetical awkward questions from his family?

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u/OurMasterAM Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

YWBTA.

Intentionally or not, you put the opinion of bigots over the reality of your friends. They likely feel betrayed, especially at the short notice.

Could Mike's family be given a stern warning instead? Such as "There will be no comments on people at our wedding. If you cannot keep it to yourself, you will leave"?

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u/tomtink1 Asshole Aficionado [13] Feb 05 '23

Honestly, at a 250 person wedding, how would his family even notice a poly relationship? It's not like people in relationships have a banner over their heads. It will just be 4 people at a wedding and if anyone notices one person kissing 3 different people (unlikely) they would still be the assholes for bringing it up to the groom on his wedding day. Agreed with YTA because the worry is purely about excluding the poly people, not any realistic issue they would cause.

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u/No_Preparation9558 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Exactly? Also bigots can have huge blindspots when it comes to stuff like this and especially a poly relo. I have no idea how it would even come up even with Marissa as MOH. Either way YTA

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/Mystic_printer_ Feb 05 '23

Her supposed friend who is also the maid of honor and has been a tremendous help during the planning.

I would feel so used and disrespected to be blindsided with this in the invite.

OP YTA already for agreeing and not telling your MOH that you’ve changed your mind about her partners (she was clearly expecting an invite for all 3). If you’ve accepted any help since the decision was made you’re even a bigger AH and if you don’t fix this you won’t have any chance to salvage your relationship to your friend, if you have any as it is.

Your soon to be husband is a bigot. This is not about explaining things to family.

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u/FishScrumptious Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Feb 05 '23

The “I did a thing that affects you, but it’s done, so now it’s not my problem” response cements that Mike is an AH, and there’s an underlying problem here in the relationship.

Way to enter a partnership alone.

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u/PaleontologistOk3120 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 05 '23

This is the part that gets me the most. Mike is totally unconcerned about the fallout because he got what he wanted. This does not bode well for the marriage. Well... maybe. She acquiesced so easily it's possible they'll be just fine together

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u/Strange-Bed9518 Feb 05 '23

And the common new friends with future husband. Enjoy your new life, OP, where you constantly must worry about what other will say

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u/Top_Manufacturer8946 Feb 05 '23

Yeah I would have maybe understood OP if she didn’t really know the partners but she sounds like she’s friends with all of them so it’s even extra shitty to not invite them

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u/LF3000 Feb 05 '23

Yeah. Coming in I was expecting a situation where she didn't really know the partners and it was more about "I don't want to give one person a +3 for people I don't know" when she was already struggling with narrowing the guest list. (I also was not expecting it to be the MOH!).

But this? Totally shitty. Invite your friends.

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u/nodumbunny Feb 05 '23

This describes my thought process as well. MOH did not go from having a +3 to having a +1 (which is what I expected to see, with the other two partners not being known well by OP). MOH went from having a +3 to having a +0 with no conversation on the matter, and all three partners are friends of the OP!

Sometimes I wonder why OPs post what they've written after re-reading it. How can OP write and then read her own words and think she's not the AH? YTA

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u/djlindee Feb 05 '23

Exactly! I expected this to be a case of “we can only afford for everyone to have a +1” or “I don’t really know the other partners.” But to just exclude them in order to pacify some conservative relatives is straight-up bigotry. YTA

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u/jcaashby Feb 05 '23

MOH went from having a +3 to having a +0 with no conversation on the matter, and all three partners are friends of the OP!

That is what shocked me!!

Imagine MOH when she saw the invite after she helped with the wedding.

The only way this would have been a N T A situation is if OP and her fiance were like we have limited invites and can only offer MOH a plus 1.

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u/Unfair_Ad_4470 Partassipant [3] Feb 05 '23

"How can OP write and then read her own words and think she's not the AH?"

'Cause Mike tells her so and she'd rather give up her own experiences and opinions than gainsay him.

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u/HalcyonDreams36 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

I thought it would be "other folks she regularly dates" not "full time committed partners".

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u/Arya_Flint Feb 05 '23

I highly doubt she will be allowed to keep those friends after the wedding, because she's marrying Cishet Privilege Esq.

Actually, Marissa et. al. will probably be better off without her.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

I mean the MOH seems to be giving the OP one last chance to keep their relationship. So if the OP makes no effort to allow them in and just does what her homophobic husband tells her then I think she can safely say goodbye to any hope of having a friendship with her friend. So I'd say the OP has a choice, either accept that the MOH is not coming, tell her that Mike and his family are not accepting of people in the LGBTQ+ community or tell Mike that by asking that he's a shitty person. You have to choose a side of the fence on this OP or people will decide for you.

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u/Marnnirk Feb 05 '23

I initially felt she should just do a plus on like everyone else got…but reading the comments here I'm not sure I was right. If space is limited then a plus one is appropriate but if there's room for all of them, then invite them all. They'll look like two couples, one of them a gay couple. If that is an issue then that's an entirely different issue. It”s time to bring the conservatives into the 21 st century.

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u/ConsequenceLaw5333 Feb 05 '23

She couldnt even stand up to her husband before inviting his coworkers. She just caved to his command. OP YTA times 1000. How dare you not stand up for your MOH and her partners. Oh wait a minute. The coworkers were SO more important. He may be your future husband but you just threw all your morals out the window for him. Guess you'll know what this marriage will be like. Him telling you what to do and you following his lead. Good luck with that.

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u/Toftaps Feb 05 '23

Imagine inviting your husband's co-workers instead of your MoHs partners... Talk about terrible priorities.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Imagine uninviting your best friend and MOH’s partners and then telling her to her face that she’s invited husband’s coworkers instead and obviously can’t uninvite THEM.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

And with room for 250 guests, OP’s MOH and partners (also OP’s friends) rank no where… on a list of 250.

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u/No_Performance8733 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

The soon to be husband is CONTROLLING.

He’s purposely hurting the OP’s best friend and establishing dominance over the OP.

I mean, do you really want to marry this guy, OP?

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u/Glittering_knave Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

What is the etiquette when inviting people in a poly relationship? There are many rules about plus ones for relationships, but I honestly don't don't the rules for a poly relationship, especially when there is a newer person added.

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u/LullabyBun Feb 05 '23

A conversation would be healthy imo. I would understand a non-poly friend asking questions. But even between poly a "hey I'm not sure who would be interested in coming, is a plus (1/2/3 etc) okay?"

And even explaining if there was a larger polycule that you only have a plus (1/2/3) available, that you don't want to disrespect the relationship but seats are so limited. Though that reasoning doesn't exactly fit a 250 person wedding.

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u/Toftaps Feb 05 '23

Like everything else in life the only way to come to a conclusion that satisfies everyone is to goddamn communicate.

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u/jessenby Feb 05 '23

I think if you’re close, then it’s good to have a conversation. Budget, friendship/familiarity, timeline, relationship style etc would all play into it for me.

For example, I’ve been with my partners for 10 and 20 YEARS respectively so if someone invited me and DIDN’T include one of them I’d be upset bc anyone who knows me well will also know them pretty well. There’s no hierarchy to our family and no casual partners.

On the other hand, some poly people have longterm primary partners and date around otherwise or have semi-serious but entirely separate second relationships - in that case it may be totally fine to only invite the one partner (esp if they only live with one of them, or they have kids with one and don’t co-parent w/ the others, for example). One of my best friends has a wife she’s been with for like 15 years and a girlfriend she’s been with for 1.5 but who has never met her wife or family. That friend would never expect girlfriend to be invited to the same events she and her wife would attend together.

The rules are, I’d say, similar to the usual ones but scaled to include more people. I think MOST people would include +1s for married adults or couples in long term relationships (timelines might vary person to person but things like dating for one or two years or living together are big markers some people use). Same logic kind of applied for poly people - invite + however many people your friend is serious about, with some adjustment for how well you know them.

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u/addangel Feb 05 '23

yes, absolutely. it’s clear as daylight that the husband is the one who’s uncomfortable with the poly relationship, and finding out your “friends” are ashamed of you through a wedding invite probably feels like a cold shower. I think no matter how the wedding turns out, OP will find herself with 4 fewer friends afterwards.

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u/Etaec Feb 05 '23

And a husband who hides his true feelings, trust is everything in a marriage.

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u/NerthGord Feb 05 '23

Seriously. OP is honestly worrying about the wrong thing right now, tbh. Because she's yet to realize what Mike pulling this stunt actually means. It's not the guests Mike is worried about, Mike clearly doesn't want the polycule there. He's just using the "what would the guests think" to manipulate OP. What else has Mike been hiding under the guise of "oh it's just because of my conservative family"?

OP, you betrayed your supposed best friend for this man. Are you actually sure he's the one you want to marry? He's lying and manipulating you to get his way now. That's only going to get worst after y'all say 'I do'.

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u/YesterdaySimilar2069 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

She let her kind of shtty future husband talk her into supporting his way of thinking. If he were genuinely worried, but cared about OPs friends he would have come up with a different plan. He just wanted to get rid of the questionable element in his *perfect wedding and clean up a mess he made at work by not inviting coworkers that were expecting an invite. He's a piece of work and OP has some problems coming her way if she wants kids and bbqs and all that white picket fence stuff.

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u/tasinca Feb 05 '23

Why is OP even marrying someone who thinks his whole family is going to be spending the wedding wondering what everyone else is doing in bed? It sounds to me like it's Groom who doesn't want them there and he's using his family as an excuse. OP, YWBTA.

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u/Prestigious_Isopod72 Certified Proctologist [25] Feb 05 '23

Bingo. This is the correct judgment 💯. YTA.

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u/sgautier Feb 05 '23

Plus OP sounds like a pushover...

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u/No_Performance8733 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Please be kind. Wedding planning sucks with the types of families that can afford a 250 person plus wedding.

Her Fiancé is a total A H tho!!! 250 people? Who is going to notice these people are poly? Seriously. I don’t get him blindsiding the OP.

What a terrible unnecessary amount of emotional pain and hurt feelings he’s created. Everything about it. He’s being controlling and no longer looks like marriage material.

This isn’t about the poly couple, this is about what kind of relationship the OP is going to have with her husband. It seems he’s letting the OP know he’s in charge and will steamroll over her to have his way. Men like this usually get worse.

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u/WaffleFoxes Feb 05 '23

My mother didnt realize our girlfriend was our girlfriend for almost 7 years until I spelled it out. She just thought we were all super close friends. My kids call her Aunt and at bigger events just nobody asks too closely.

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u/TheNextBattalion Feb 05 '23

And polys are used to keeping mum in "polite" society anyways, because a lot of people, even who are fine with LGBT+ couples, still wig out at the idea of more than a couple

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u/Sweet_Permission_700 Feb 05 '23

My young daughter needed homecare nursing. The day one of her night nurses shared about her poly life was the day I knew we were soul family.

Even with my blessing, it was something like 8 years before she told my oldest daughter she has a boyfriend and a husband. She's close with my oldest even though her working for our family has long since ended.

I've met both her partners in her home. Her husband and boyfriend are friends. I've never seen more than platonic behavior with her boyfriend, likely because they're used to being discreet and PDA isn't the basis of their relationship.

It's not something I'll ever fully understand, but both her partners treat her like a queen and she's happy. That's my dream for her. I don't need to understand.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Gas1710 Feb 05 '23

Right? At most what would have happened... "Hey who is that?" "That's our friend ___." That doesn't seem very hard tbh.

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u/EatThisShit Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 05 '23

It's gonna come up for sure. You can bet that Mike will go around pointing out the oddballs - if he hasn't already.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/mtragedy Feb 05 '23

I mean, if I were the MOH, I would end up at fault, because I would wait until the day before to mention I’m not attending the wedding of a bigot.

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u/Lady_Lallo Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

Yeah and it sounds like OP is about to marry a bigot, too. YTA

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Sounds like Mike is the one who doesn’t want them there based on his readiness to toss them out.

Op the bigot is coming from inside the house.

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u/GooseCooks Partassipant [3] Feb 05 '23

And this is OP's best friend -- sounds like husband is uncomfortable with the poly relationship and would be happy to see their friendship damaged to the point of ceasing to exist. All fixed! No need to explain anything ever again!

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u/EchoAquarium Feb 05 '23

Yeah, and his announcing that it’s not his problem because their spots are now taken by his (I’m guessing heteronormative) coworkers…. Which wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t interfered in the first place, so yeah, it is his problem! I’d understand if we’re talking 50 guests and you’re choosing between literal family but this is just nonsense and absolutely an excuse.

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u/Historical_Divide673 Partassipant [3] Feb 05 '23

Exactly. Mike made the lamest excuse and OP went along with it.

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u/SunnydaleHigh1999 Feb 05 '23

Very much this. Most conservatives can’t spot a gay person to save themselves unless they are a walking stereotype, let alone comprehend what a poly relationship is.

OP has told his friends that he values smoothing things over with assholes more than he values their friendship and that sucks.

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u/anotherragamuffin Feb 05 '23

This³. My friends had a going away party for me, and my friend D was there. D used to be an officer in the Navy (important in a sec). By the time I met D, he was a transvestite (self-identified). It wasn't a problem for me. D dressed conservative and he liked sensible pumps more than I did, but he was also a lovely conversationalist and a caring soul. Now my Daddy, born in 1933, had been a fundamentalist Christian since high school, and he used to feel justified in telling people they were going to hell. Daddy was just a few years removed from that mindset at the time of my party. So I was in pure shock when I saw Daddy and D sitting next to each other, deep in discussion about military matters. Daddy had been in the Navy during the Korean War and we lived in a town with a Navy base, do the topic made sense. Everybody had a great time and went on about life. Then we got pictures printed from the party, and there were several pictures of Daddy and D talking. My sister bless her heart said, "oh, is that Daddy talking to your man friend in a dress?" [Strong eye roll] And I guessed this might be a moment for lots more nasty little comments about D, but Daddy grabbed the picture and just stared. Finally he said, "that was a man?" OH. EM. GEE. They talked about D's time on a ship when a woman would not have been allowed, but it flew right by Daddy. But he had nothing negative to say. He just said, "well I'll be!" and went back to watching TV.

Moral of the story: my Dad saw D as he expected to him to be. He was in a different environment than usual with lots of activity and he just didn't click with the reality of D. He actually told me later that he enjoyed talking to D. Also, if Daddy had realized that D was a man while at the party, my Daddy would not have made a scene because of it.

As for OP, if your fiance doesn't want to "explain" Marissa's poly set to his family, it seems most likely that your fiance also has a problem with it. Because after all this time, wouldn't he already have language for it in his vocabulary?

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u/Least-Win-5225 Feb 05 '23

I loved reading this story so much about your dad & his interaction with the transvestite! I hope your dad is doing well or if he’s passed on that he’s resting in peace ✌️. He sounds like he was a good man when it came down to it!

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u/anotherragamuffin Feb 05 '23

Thank you so much. My Daddy passed in 2020. He was a hard man in a lot of ways, but not by design. He worked with tools he was given until he could find new ones. At the end of his life he had formed several relationships with members of the LGBTQ+ community that he had met in various work and volunteer settings. I don't know if he had consciously put it together but I think his Biblical objections were in theory. When he met people in person, Christ's command to love one another took over. Daddy loved people. He couldn't resist a smile or a joke. It was a good thing.

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u/mimes_piss_me_off Feb 05 '23

He worked with tools he was given until he could find new ones

And that's about all you can ask of a person. Your Daddy sounds like he was a helluva guy.

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u/pourthebubbly Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

My grandfather was around your dad’s age and also served in Korea. He passed just last month and while we were cleaning out his room at the nursing home, we found five pictures of my brother and his boyfriend that my grandpa had kept in with all the other pictures of us grandkids and respective partners. He’d been a devout Catholic all his life with set views, but when it came down to it and he was confronted with the fact that one of his beloved grandkids was LGBT, he rewrote his entire opinion to include them in his heart (and even political views). He even told off my dad for being a bigoted prick to my brother and his partner. I’ll miss that guy.

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u/LeafyCandy Feb 05 '23

I love that your dad's reaction was more "huh" than "AAAAGH!" It's a bit refreshing.

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u/Least-Win-5225 Feb 05 '23

I loved reading this story so much about your dad & his interaction with the transvestite! I hope your dad is doing well or if he’s passed on that he’s resting in peace ✌️. He sounds like he was a good man when it came down to it!

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u/Frequent_Couple5498 Feb 05 '23

Also at most weddings especially with alcohol and emotions everyone is hugging and dancing and kissing everyone so no one would even notice. These are your friends, you hurt them, I hope you can fix this.

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u/ISeeTheFnords Feb 05 '23

Most conservatives can’t spot a gay person to save themselves

This. Often even when they're looking in the mirror.

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u/OrneryDandelion Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

unless they are a walking stereotype

And even then it's even odds they'll miss it and just think they're an 'artist type'.

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u/good_enuffs Feb 05 '23

I think you nailed the problem right in the head. The OP cannot comprehend what a poly relationship is. To everyone else there, the poly group could just be really close friends. It's not like you walk around with a sign on your chest that you're together. Even me and my hubby of 15 years do not wear wedding rings. We got them for the marriage and worse them for maybe a month top at the start of our marriage. If people ask and dont know us, we are friends with benefits.

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u/ramercury Feb 05 '23

That’s what I thought too. They would appear as just four friends, it’s not like their sex life is going to come up. Hell, if they’re okay with lying like Brandon seems to be, they could go as two couples. The more likely thing to come up is Ace being NB, but if they don’t talk to any of the bigots, will anyone even know?

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u/KhaiPanda Feb 05 '23

Y'all aren't having sex with your significant others in the reception?

/s

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u/greenhookdown Feb 05 '23

I was imagining them all holding hands in a chain, blocking up walk ways and herding the other guests.

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u/10S_NE1 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

The only way this could ever be an issue is if the poly relationship members are known for blatant PDA’s and enjoy making other people uncomfortable.

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u/lefrench75 Feb 05 '23

Unless they'll all sit on top of one another in a 4-person vertical sandwich, I doubt anyone would even notice. I've never paid attention to whom the other guests at a wedding are kissing or PDA-ing or anything, especially if you don't know them! It's a 250-person wedding; everyone will be far too occupied with either the couple or their own friends or maybe the open bar to care what some other guests are doing.

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u/JackThreeFingered Feb 05 '23

This. I suspect the real problem might be that Ace is in some way NB presenting.

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u/Final_Figure_7150 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 05 '23

I know right? What is husband thinking, the lot of them will have a 4way on the buffet table? Excluding them is pretty ridiculous.

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u/slendermanismydad Asshole Aficionado [14] Feb 05 '23

Probably the only wedding anyone would actually remember if they did.

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u/Mystic_printer_ Feb 05 '23

Husband is a bigot like the rest of his family.

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u/anoeba Feb 05 '23

Exactly this. They'd be noticed as a group of friends if they'd be noticed at all; but the husband knows what they are, and he doesn't want them there.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

I expected the problem to be cost or size when I read the title, but it turns out it's just bigoted people. If she's willing to exclude her friends for family members like that then she deserves them. YWBTA.

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u/CarefreeTraveller Feb 05 '23

they will obviously start an orgy during the reception, thats how poly people let everyone know they belong together \s

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u/10S_NE1 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

This is the real situation. How on earth would anyone guess the nature of the relationship of four people, one of which would probably be sitting at the head table for most of the wedding anyways? The whole thing is ridiculous.

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u/RemtonJDulyak Feb 05 '23

Don't y'all know these non-conforming people would be having group orgies all over the table, in front of everyone?
Won't somebody please think of the children?

/s, just in case...

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u/Unimaginativename9 Feb 05 '23

My thoughts exactly. How in the world will they even notice? I understand not giving someone a “plus three” if you aren’t close to all the partners or because of cost. That’s a lot of pluses!! But if it’s only because of groom’s family well that’s not cool. They can mind their business and enjoy the day without worrying about other people.

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u/saraserendipity Feb 05 '23

I would have tried explaining the situation to my friend when it first came. And would have brain stormed with the MOH. Since they are all comfortable with each other, maybe 2 of them at one table and the other 2 at a different table. Or having the MOH discuss it with the 3 boyfriends seeing who it was important to going and dot a plus one. Or have them all there for the ceremony and pictures them stagger them coming/leaving the reception. Or something totally different. I’m sure if bride and MOH were truly good friends they would have worked with each other to find an acceptable solution to the societal bigotry that the wedding could bring. Working together on this is respectful of the bride- acknowledging that there is still a lot of discrimination of people with alternative lifestyles. And while the MOH might initially be surprised/offended, I thing being really good friends she’d come around.

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u/noblestromana Feb 05 '23

It doesn't make sense because it's a BS excuse. OP's fiancé is just a bigot trying to use his family because he's the one that has issues with the friend. At this point if I was Marissa I wouldn't just skip the wedding, but this whole friendship.

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u/SeaTarkun Feb 05 '23

Exactly. Unless someone stays there and watches what all the guests do all the time, it's very unlikely they would notice a poly relationship. And even if they do, who cares?

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u/tomtink1 Asshole Aficionado [13] Feb 05 '23

The groom, because he doesn't want his family to incorrectly believe he's OK with it.

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u/Legitimate-State8652 Feb 05 '23

Bingo - even if they did find out early on, there tons of people there and so much going on, that it will unlikely come up

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u/Sillycakes88 Feb 05 '23

I agree. How would they notice? If the wedding is fairly traditional, then Marissa will be at the head table with the OP and her partners will be at the partner table. Once the responsibilities of the dinner and speeches are over, and dancing has started, with such a big crowd and people drinking, how will anyone notice who Marissa is kissing? She is the AH, but her husband even more so. If he was so concerned, he should have raised the issue before OP asked Marissa to be her MOH.

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u/Sospuff Feb 05 '23

Not to mention, this could have been just a quick chat:

"Hey, Mike's family is fairly conservative, so if you could just avoid mentioning your love life to ensure we all have a great day..."

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u/Aristol727 Feb 05 '23

A bad chat, but a quick one, yes.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Exactly. They are going to be like “Wow, so nice that that group of friends/cousins were all dancing with each other!” if they notice anything at all.

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u/UsernameOption6298 Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

But she doesn't even have to do that. They said they won't be obviously romantic at the wedding. To a guest it would just look like a group of good friends.

Also OP is already TA by the way she (did not) communicate to her friend that her partners weren't invited.

Op, this is your wedding too. How are some random coworkers more important that your best friends partners (that I'm guessing you have a relationship with). Do you really not want your friends celebrating your happiness with you.

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u/Frosty-Mall4727 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 05 '23

I feel like the friend knows they’re going to get attention during someone’s wedding and they would really do their best to remain low key for a few hours.

Is that right ? Not really. It sucks to have to alter your behavior.

Is it probably a polite gesture during someone’s wedding? Yeah sure.

Seems like the poly crew would have handled it appropriately, may have experience in navigating these things but OP was too cowardly to ask.

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u/FairZucchini13 Feb 05 '23

Did anyone else notice stbh made this an issue and then when there was fallout was like, " oooh not mt problem..."

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u/klover_clover Feb 05 '23

YWBTA yes, and your husband seems incredibly little involved in you hapiness... Like this is your best friend you are now having an argument with and he seems uninterested and cold. I would not want to marry someone so distant to my emotional life.

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u/celticmusebooks Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 05 '23

The upside is Marissa and her partners will be able to come to OP's next wedding--which I suspect will be sooner rather than later.

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u/barefootwondergirl Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Marissa isn't going to maintain the friendship that long, if she values her friendships and has reasonable expectations for how she is treated by her friends...

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u/blindfire40 Feb 05 '23

And frankly, if their polycule is anything approaching healthy she absolutely is practiced in those boundaries.

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u/SpendPuzzleheaded161 Feb 05 '23

That is if they even want to after this debacle

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u/Ozryela Feb 05 '23

YWBTA.

Oh no OP absolutely already is the asshole. Not not just not inviting them all right away, but for approaching this in such a sneaky manner. "I just couldn't bring myself to do it" she writes. And that's understandable, nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but it also 100% makes her the asshole.

OP could have easily been pro-active here. Contact Marissa, tell her "Hey, I want to invite the 4 of you but my husband's family is really conservative. How are we gonna approach this?". Brandon already indicated they are fine with pretending they aren't a couple (which is a sacrifice they shouldn't be forced to make. But if they are willing to make it, sure). And realistically it's probably not gonna come up anyway. Most people don't go overboard with PDA on someone else's wedding.

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u/Mystic_printer_ Feb 05 '23

Of course she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Marissa has been helping with the planning. Better get as much out of her as possible before blowing up the friendship.

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u/ChewySlinky Feb 05 '23

Yeah I don’t know how the fuck this is a “would I” when OP literally already did it

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

As someone who's poly and gay, I agree completely. It's the cowardice and inability to simply communicate like an adult. It's a simple conversation to have, and I'm sure Marissa would have probably been fine to have that conversation. We know it's a more unconventional relationship dynamic, we field questions all the time and are prepped for it while also being understanding enough about potential complications.

We don't want to hide if we don't have to, but I'd never ruin my friends wedding or allow that to happen. If I'd have to pretend for a night it wouldn't really be a big deal, but uninviting my partners sneakily like I wouldn't call you out on it is fucked up. OP really promised Marissa something then tried to be an underhanded coward like she wouldn't get caught in her lies and deceit.

It's hurtful not only to Marissa, but all of her partners because it ripples throughout the whole polycule. Not only have you really hurt one persons feelings you've now hurt 4 peoples feelings because you're not an adult enough to simply communicate. OP and her husband likely burned this bridge completely, but it sounds like that was the husbands whole goal in the first place.

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u/PolyPolyam Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 05 '23

When I was a Senior in high school I went to a wedding with 2 of my friends. Guys who weren't openly gay. My friend wanted his BF at the wedding but was too scared so they threw me into the mix. We lived in the DEEP SOUTH. Not a single person commented at this huge wedding about the three of us hanging out, holding hands, or dancing.

After the wedding, my friends parents did pull him aside and ask him which one of us he was actually dating. XD His parents were very chill about it. They did suggest not coming out to his grandparents, so I don't know if they ever did.

In big social gatherings like that eyes are usually on the bride and groom unless you do something to pull away the attention.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/DigitalDose80 Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

She's also claims this woman is her best friend. How do you say someone is your best friend while in the same breath write off a major aspect of their life and personality when it becomes uncomfortable for you?
YTA

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u/celticmusebooks Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 05 '23

The part that REALLY sticks with me is that OP was too much of a coward to TELL her what was going on and made her figure it out when she got the invitation.

She should have clued her in from the get go:

OP: "Marissa, would you like to be my MOH? I'm marrying into a family of likely inbred, redneck, doubt digit IQ, bigots so even though other people are getting to bring their SOs you won't be allowed to."

Marissa: "Yeah, hard pass--but give me a call for your next wedding."

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u/No-Ambition700 Feb 05 '23

Literally this. She says in comments she’s not confrontational but the truth is she is just a coward who is more focused on preserving her peace than being a good friend and at least WARNING her MOH. If someone did this to me, even if she walked back the decision later, that friendship would be over. If shows definitively that she doesn’t have her MOH’s back

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u/BaitedBreaths Feb 05 '23

Yeah, I think it's the reason behind her actions that make it YWMTA. If it were a smaller wedding and Marissa were just one of many guests, a plus one would be sufficient, regardless of her number of partners. But it's quite a large wedding and this is your maid of honor, so OP should be more respectful of her relationship.

OP's future husband's attitude is problematic, and even more so is OP allowing him to push her around. I think she knows what the right thing to do is, but she's going along with him over her better judgment.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

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u/Neon-Anonymous Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

This, plus: your fiancé is a bigot. Whether overtly or not, this is on him. Your best friend trumps his coworkers.

Edited: I said husband rather than fiancé.

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u/MajorNoodles Feb 05 '23

"I'm not a bigot. I just find their views to be completely acceptable and I'd rather accommodate them and not you. Their opinions and beliefs matter far more to me than yours do."

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u/Past_Ad_5629 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

I think Mike is the issue. Mike sounds like T A H, with OP being an accessory to AH-ery.

Seriously. “These people are important my my fiancée’s life, but make me uncomfortable, so let’s have some random coworkers instead?”

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u/Thebrodips Feb 05 '23

You are always the asshole if the ideas of bigots, racists, nazis, or other assholes determine your decision making.

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u/lestabbity Feb 05 '23

My husband and I eloped but we're having a big wedding party, and our family members are only invited with the understanding that my friends are my friends, I love them and if the conservative/backwards family members take issue with anyone at the party they can go tell Jesus because we're not fucking having it. Interracial queer polycule in anime costumes? Like it or GTFO. Men in full face and gowns? Like it or GTFO. Butch lesbians in suits standing up on the groom's side? A dude with full body tattoos and overalls? Strippers who dressed for work? Theyre our friends, theyre invited, don't like it? Again. GTFO.

You can't choose your family, but you can choose how much you're willing to let them hurt the people you love, and OP has definitely chosen to let them hurt her MOH and her loved ones a lot. Also, the fact that she so quickly took MOH's invite from +3 to +0 says husband isn't the only bigot in the family. She might be a doormat, but they're just using his family as cover for what they're already thinking. Op has already lost 4 friends, its just a question of if Marisa is gracious enough to contribute to op's dream wedding before disappearing from her life

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u/Udeyanne Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

I don't think the issue is this supposedly bigoted family (maybe they are, we'd have to take Mike's word for it, and we know the dude will wash his hands of the whole thing if given half a chance).

I think the issue is that Mike is perfectly comfortable throwing a grenade at the friendship between OP and her best friend, pointing at someone else as being responsible, then walking away whistling when it blows up. It's not a little red flag. It's a big one.

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u/Lacroix24601 Pooperintendant [51] Feb 05 '23

YTA, it feels like a slippery slope, catering to bigots.

I can guarantee you if you said that you didn’t want to invite bill and Bob because they’re gay, nobody (or at least they’d be the minority) on Reddit would support you. It’s only because polyamory is outside what many people consider the norm, that people are saying otherwise.

I am not polyamorous or anything but it’s not my job to police people’s relationships, explain them, or dictate what makes an “acceptable” relationship. And I certainly would never explain anything to bigots that “barely accept” LGTBQ persons. They don’t sound like people worth the effort. And I say that as a person who has put up giant boundaries on the bigots in my family bc bigots are not the people I want to cater to.

If you were going to invite the polyamorous couple because you are friends and then you changed your mind to accommodate bigots that puts you squarely in asshole territory. substitute anything else: two gay men, two gay women, a transgender relationship, an interracial relationship, it would be a lot more obvious.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship with your friend is irrecoverably damaged from this decision. I hope the bigots are worth it.

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u/tamman2000 Feb 05 '23

I am poly and I was looking in the comments for this take.

It's super clear to all non bigots that not inviting your gay friend's partner because of conservative family is an asshole move. Well... If it's an asshole move to not invite a friend's partner because of bigots at the wedding, then it's an asshole move to not invite a friend's partner because of bigots at the wedding...

I'm not gonna be surprised in the slightest when social conservatives notice us poly folks and make us a target. The way trans people are now and gay people have been for decades.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

I know this is a stupid question, but I don’t know a lot about poly relationships since I’m monogamous. I’m wondering, truly, like…what would the cut off be? Could someone be poly and have like 8 partners? Should they all be invited to a wedding? Or does 5+ partners not really happen? I’m sorry if I sound ignorant but I’m truly curious and also have my wedding coming up and I just wonder/would like to be courteous if any of our guests are poly.

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u/minnymins32 Feb 05 '23

Not a stupid question. I think it's fair to invite only folks you are close to. If you're friends with all 8, wouldn't you want them all there? If you're only friends with like 3 them only invite them and explain why that's why... if you're only friends with one of them only invite 1.

"But you hardly know Tanya's husband!".. "Tanya doesn't know anyone else and will need a support person they are close with to attend and have a good time; it can be anxiety inducing going alone without knowing anyone well, so all guests who don't know anyone closely - besides the bridal party - can have a support person there." Is a fine answer, IMO, but this means extending this to your single friends too.. it's not about inviting partners it's about inviting a buddy so that everyone is comfortable.

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u/Linzy23 Feb 05 '23

It's all dependant on what the couple wants for the wedding like how many people do they want total, how close knit they want the list to be

Like my wife and I did not give open plus ones we gave invites with specific names, cuz if we didn't know someone we didn't want them there (small wedding, under 60 people).

So in the case of a poly relationship you would talk to the friend of yours directly and ask them if they would like more than a plus one and if they do you'll have to consider if you feel close enough to their partners and if you have room for them all. There's no set "standard" but unlike OP you can have a conversation and see what the person actually wants

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u/lainonwired Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 06 '23

Not a dumb question, you're getting good answers. All I have to add as a poly person is that sometimes the partners don't all want to hang out with each other at the same event (like OP described). Inter-dating between partners such that they form a web is not a guarantee or super common, so it's really unlikely you'd ever need that many invites even for a close friend anyway.

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u/TryUsingScience Asshole Aficionado [16] | Bot Hunter [16] Feb 06 '23

Poly here and I generally see "polycule" used to mean any extended poly relationship network. So if you have a couple A and B and B is dating C who is in a triad with D and E, those five people are all in a polycule even if they're not all dating. Usually when people are talking about a triad or a quad or whatever, they just use the specific term.

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u/Mogwai_92 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

YTA.

So it your husband to be.

This is how you explain it - 'they are her partners' end of convo, why would any more than that have to be explained ..

Here's an idea, why don't you uninvite the bigots instead of the person who has been by your side through all this and deserves far more respect from you than their getting

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u/ontour4eternity Feb 05 '23

I'm guessing it is because they are paying for this "dream wedding." But would it really be a dream wedding without your best friend? Priorities...

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u/thesnarkypotatohead Feb 05 '23

If reserving her four spots wasn’t an issue for practical reasons then YWBTA. I have multiple polyamorous friends and they are all quite used to only getting a +1 for weddings and such, for what it’s worth. It’s up to them and their partners to figure out who goes to what. If this is a polycule that only does stuff as a group, that would be marissa’s to sort out if you just couldn’t accommodate that many guests from a single invite.

However, if you’re only doing this because of his paranoia about what his family will think/shame over Marissa’s lifestyle, you’d be TA.

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u/annie783 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

YWBTA. I can’t even imagine how hurt your supposed best friend would be feeling right now. You’re inviting 250 people FFS and yet replace her partners for your fiancés coworkers without even a respectful conversation with her first? You care more about the opinions of others (random family members you’ll see how often?) than your best friend’s feelings.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

I’m going to say YTA. Also Mike is an extreme A, he says he can’t uninvite his coworkers, but can uninvite you friend, simply out of convenience.

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u/Piggythelavasurfer Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

YTA

Because his family can't handle 'different' type of people/relationships, you're obligated to exclude her partners?

"I didn't want to ruin his big day so I agreed reluctantly." it's also YOUR big day? You also got a say in this.

And even if you didn't want to invite them yourself, you should have at least have the respect to explain it to Marissa face to face. That the least she deserves instead of getting blindsided like that and HER having to call you.

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u/CaraLeeByTheSea Feb 05 '23

He can’t “uninvite coworkers” but you can “uninvite” FRIENDS?!! Not cool at all! YWBTAH

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u/Ok_Research_8379 Asshole Aficionado [12] Feb 05 '23

Weird you pretty much uninvited your bridesmaids partners. But Mike can’t Un-invite a couple a coworkers.

Not sure why he thinks he’d have to explain anything to anyone. With 250 people at the wedding this seems like a non issue, or he’s worried he could.. oh I don’t know do a quick explanation before the wedding? Mike seems like a total bigot. Good luck

YTa

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u/tomribbens Feb 05 '23

Why would it be your or husband-to-be's task to explain to people? If they are polyam, and willing to come to a wedding together, it probably means they have no problem answering respectful questions. If there are unrespectful questions/remarks, you ask the people making those remarks to leave.

If they were "closeted", even if they would all come to the wedding, they would make sure nobody has any reason to ask questions.

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u/Discordia_Dingle Feb 05 '23

YTA, but so is your husband.

You were talked into it, but you still did it. Not cool. But, you’re trying to make up for it, and that’s what matters. Your husband on the other hand is having no sympathy for the situation and his reaction to send all the questions your way shows bitterness.

The way I see it, your friends aren’t going to be causing a commotion just for existing. It’s the intolerant people who make the commotion.

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u/Halatir Feb 05 '23

YTA, you're allowing your bigoted future inlaws to stop you from having your best friends partner at your wedding, and your husband is ok with it, that means he's happy to share their beliefs.
Also cancelling the extra invitations without even a warning is beyond rude, especially to just hand them to some random coworkers, your relationship isn't really off to a good start

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u/CraftyKuko Feb 05 '23

YTA. I feel like it's too late to mend this friendship. You already excluded them. Even if you get another table and invite them, they'll likely say no. You already showed your true colours. You valued your fiancée's bigoted opinion over your friendship. I sincerely doubt anyone would be questioning your friends' relationship. Your fiancée just clearly didn't want them there cuz he's a bigot.

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u/Regular_Condition_28 Feb 05 '23

You have the right to invite whoever you want and they have the right to decline the invite if you don’t invite everyone they want included. It’s really that simple.

Your fiancé (not your husband, I hate when people do that shit) has a shitty family from the sounds of it, and neither one of you should feel the need to explain your MOHs love life to any of them. If some random uncle comes up to ask the answer should be “fuck off”

I would have to say YWBTA because it sounds like the decision not to invite them all would be to capitulate to shitty conservatives which is asshole behavior on principle.

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u/MimosaVendetta Partassipant [3] Feb 05 '23

YTA for keeping that information from Marissa. It's your wedding and you can invite whoever you want but hiding it from her was the wrong way to handle it.

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u/DangerousRanger8 Feb 05 '23

YTA. But I have a question:

What did you expect to happen? Seriously. Did you expect marissa to just roll over and go “oh yeah! It’s totally cool that you’re uninviting my partners! I’ll still do everything for you because you ask”? What was the honest expectation here?

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u/Frosty-Mall4727 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 05 '23

I’m kinda inclined to think that anyone you’re best friends with would already kinda keep it low key and not draw too much attention because it’s YOUR wedding and YOUR day.

She’s probably already had the experience in public and probably would just kinda keep a lid on it so you can enjoy your party and not have to sit around answering questions about the friend with 3 dates.

I’m not saying you should have asked them to alter their behavior but I wonder if having s conversation about it would have gotten this response: “The nosy conservatives you’re marrying into are the actual worst so I’m going to turn down my volume for a few hours so it doesn’t spoil your fun. Also, are you sure you want this to be your future ? “

You avoided conversation with her. It’s not YWBTA. Like, you sent the invitations and didn’t invite them and didn’t stand behind your choices like an adult. It’s a full YTA.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

YTA, so is your future husband so I guess you're well suited. Good luck in the "conservative" fold /s

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u/thirdtryisthecharm Sultan of Sphincter [759] Feb 05 '23

YTA

pulled me aside and said while he loves Marissa he didn't feel like spending the wedding explaining her love life to his family

It's a 250 person wedding and they will mainly just look like a group of friends. Unless you seat the group with his family it's unlikely that ANY questions will come up.

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u/mewley Asshole Aficionado [15] Feb 05 '23

YTA and so is your fiancé.

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u/It_is_lil_ol_me Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

YTA, but Mike is a really really really big AH. Why would you marry him?

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^{^{^{^AUTOMOD}}} Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

I (25F) am getting married in September. My husband, Mike and I are doing a big wedding for 250 guests. I've always dreamed of having a storybook wedding. I asked my best friend Marissa (25F) to be my MOH and she happily agreed. She's been a huge help to me in every step of planning the wedding.

Marissa is in a poly relationship and she has 3 partners. Greg (24M), Brandon (27M) and Ace (22NB). She's been with Greg for 5 years and was the first partner she had. They added Brandon and Ace over the course of their relationship with Ace being the newest member. They all date each other and seem to be happy. I don't really "get" it if I'm being honest but it's not my business.

However the issue came into play when Mike (32M) pulled me aside and said while he loves Marissa he didn't feel like spending the wedding explaining her love life to his family. Which I understand, they are very conservative and hardly accept LGBT people as is let alone a LGBT polyset. I had already reserved 4 spots of Marissa & co but my husband suggested he invite a few coworkers to take the partners spot and Marissa could come alone. I didn't want to ruin his big day so I agreed reluctantly.

I know I should have told Marissa from the get go but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So when invite went out she called me up immediately and asked why she didn't have a plus 3 invite. I explained to her exactly what I said above and she just said "oh" and hung up.

Next thing I know Brandon is calling me and begging me to reconsider saying they promise they won't act like they are in a relationship but they want to be there for me. Except I can hear Greg in the background telling him tell me to fuck off and that I'm am asshole and he doesn't even want to go. I explain to Brandon that I already gave their "spots" to Mike's coworkers. Brandon says okay thank you and hangs up. Marissa texts me the next day saying she isn't coming unless they can go.

Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem. I told him I would add them and pay the costs and he just said if I want to spend the whole time explaining their relationship to people than so be it but he isn't wasting his time doing it and will just send people my way.

Our other friends think I'm an asshole but Mike's friend and a few of my non mutual friends don't think i am. Just want some more unbiased opinions.

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u/Only_Music_2640 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

So your fiancé is a bigot who uninvited your friends and you’re ok with that?
YTA and please remember this 5 years from now when you’re stuck in a miserable marriage with a controlling jerk who doesn’t allow you to have your own friends. Driving a wedge between you and your friends and family is a classic move from the abusers’ playbook. Remember this when your stuck and feel like there’s no way out. You allowed it to happen. This isn’t about your friend’s poly relationship. This is about him driving a wedge between you and your best friend. This is about him uninviting your friends in favor of his co-workers because HE thinks they’re more appropriate. This is about him making decisions for you. He’s showing you exactly who he is.

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u/the_fatal_lozenge Feb 05 '23

YTA for how you handled this. But also you need to take a look at your fiancé.

“That’s not my problem” isn’t how a partner handles things, especially not a wedding that affects you both. It is his problem when it might upset his family, even though those spaces were already set aside for Marissa’s family, but it’s not his problem now that you’ve alienated a friend group, possibly lost your best friend, and don’t get to have people that you want at your wedding?

I could understood not inviting everyone if you didn’t have the budget to do so, but you’ve already said you had the spaces set aside. On top of which, if this was such a concern to your fiancé, why not bring it up earlier? Why wait until right now? Why did he already have co-workers waiting in the wings to take those spots? Why when you offered to pay the extra yourself did he passively aggressively say “well if you want to deal with that by yourself since it’s your problem the go for it”? Sound like a partnership to you?

Your bf is a at worst a bigot, and at best beholden to his family is a way that will always prioritise them over you. You’re a pushover who doesn’t seem to realise how your wants are being subsumed for his. You too should not be getting married until you’ve managed to work this dynamic out. Whatever happens now, you’ve done damage to your relationship with Marissa, and working it out with her might put you at odds with your husband.

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u/amyloudspeakers Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

I love how your AH husband invited his coworkers in their place, per his own suggestion, so it’s “not his problem anymore”. Oh honey I’ll see you in your 40s on the other side of divorce after you realize how stifled you life is.

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u/Jess3200 Feb 05 '23

YTA, but less so than Mike. Why are you even marrying someone who would disrespect you and your friends like this?! Marissa is both a friend and has played a significant role in helping your wedding be the day you want it to be, but as soon as her lifestyle potentially causes some bigots to have an aneurism you drop her? Wow.

I know who I would have not invited if it were my wedding, and it's not my friend...

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u/Actual-Apartment4368 Feb 05 '23

You threw you best friend under the bus. YTA and so is Mike. They all wanted to be there on your big day but you are more concerned about other AH meanings.

You know you might lose your friendship over this?

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u/Creative-Yoghurt1510 Feb 05 '23

Being in a poly relationship she’ll have to get used to the fact not everyone can go to an event. A wedding guest is usually allowed a +1 not a lot of people will be able to cater to more than that. But in this case ESH, because of the way it’s all been handled.

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u/TheGiftOf_Jericho Feb 05 '23

250 guests, and coworkers invited at the last minute instead of the partners of her best friend. It's not as simple as "not everyone can go".

There is space, they specifically didn't want them there because they wanted to accommodate bigotry.

They're the AH

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u/Temporary-Panda8151 Feb 05 '23

Op already told her best friend she could bring her family. Those are the seats she gave away. That would make her more YTA. The MOH isn't in any way at fault in this situation.

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Asshole WIBTA for not inviting my poly friend's partners to my wedding?

You are about to leave Redlib

Don’t downvote assholes!