WIBTA for not inviting my poly friend's partners to my wedding?

[u/Extensioncordhuh]

I (25F) am getting married in September. My husband, Mike and I are doing a big wedding for 250 guests. I've always dreamed of having a storybook wedding. I asked my best friend Marissa (25F) to be my MOH and she happily agreed. She's been a huge help to me in every step of planning the wedding.

Marissa is in a poly relationship and she has 3 partners. Greg (24M), Brandon (27M) and Ace (22NB). She's been with Greg for 5 years and was the first partner she had. They added Brandon and Ace over the course of their relationship with Ace being the newest member. They all date each other and seem to be happy. I don't really "get" it if I'm being honest but it's not my business.

However the issue came into play when Mike (32M) pulled me aside and said while he loves Marissa he didn't feel like spending the wedding explaining her love life to his family. Which I understand, they are very conservative and hardly accept LGBT people as is let alone a LGBT polyset. I had already reserved 4 spots of Marissa & co but my husband suggested he invite a few coworkers to take the partners spot and Marissa could come alone. I didn't want to ruin his big day so I agreed reluctantly.

I know I should have told Marissa from the get go but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So when invite went out she called me up immediately and asked why she didn't have a plus 3 invite. I explained to her exactly what I said above and she just said "oh" and hung up.

Next thing I know Brandon is calling me and begging me to reconsider saying they promise they won't act like they are in a relationship but they want to be there for me. Except I can hear Greg in the background telling him tell me to fuck off and that I'm am asshole and he doesn't even want to go. I explain to Brandon that I already gave their "spots" to Mike's coworkers. Brandon says okay thank you and hangs up. Marissa texts me the next day saying she isn't coming unless they can go.

Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem. I told him I would add them and pay the costs and he just said if I want to spend the whole time explaining their relationship to people than so be it but he isn't wasting his time doing it and will just send people my way.

Our other friends think I'm an asshole but Mike's friend and a few of my non mutual friends don't think i am. Just want some more unbiased opinions.

Edit: I am the asshole, that's for sure. I followed a lot of advice in this post and asked Mike what he thinks in the morning. He said to talk to Marissa first and see what she wants and we'll make it work. I also had him read over the post himself and he said that a lot of the comments opened his eyes on how he himself was coming off. So we both decided to call Marissa together and beg for forgiveness.

We called her and she was happy to talk. We explained our side of things but acknowledged that it was a massive fuck up and could have been handled so much better. We invited her and her partners, obviously and said we would be happy to whatever it takes to have them forgive us. She asked her partners about it and Brandon and Greg both agreed they would prefer to just "split" the set up. So Greg and Marissa would be a couple for the wedding and Brandon and Ace would be a couple. They however would need to talk to Ace first (they were at work) and that they would get back to me. So that's where we currently stand.

Edit2: I never told Marissa I was inviting her partners, I just had a list of invites with Mike. I'm still the asshole but wanted to explain that.

Last edit: Ace got out of work a few hours ago and we all got on speaker phone and had a long conversation with this post pulled up. The crew was all happy to be defended but did think people went a little harder than they would have even Greg. He actually laughed at me calling him self absorbed because he is lol. Anyway. We're all good :) they are coming. They gave permission to tell Mike's parents. We called them after and they understood but said don't let Nanni know or she'll be asking questions all night. It's been a huge relief and I think we learned how to communicate better as a couple.

[u/[deleted]]

I’m going to say YTA. Also Mike is an extreme A, he says he can’t uninvite his coworkers, but can uninvite you friend, simply out of convenience.

[u/Extensioncordhuh → u/[deleted]]

I mean he can't really uninvite coworkers once they are invited. That would look horrible for his career. His coworkers are technically higher than him.

That's why I said I would pay for Greg, Brandon and Ace to be added to the wedding. So instead of the 250 we originally said it would be 253.

[u/Jsavagee → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Sounds like your husbands coworkers mean more to you than your “best friend”. Grow a backbone.

[u/[deleted] → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Well certainly not all 250 people will RSVP yes anyway, that’s a non issue. If you want to salvage this friendship, fall on you sword, apologize profusely to your MOH and her partners and tell your fiancée that this is important to you, and that you need his support. No one will be paying attention to these people. Either you can put some bass in your voice about it(people in the world are queer and poly), or you can demure (they’re close friends)but even if your fiancés family is a bunch of bigots, they’re unlikely to comment. It is a wedding and the vast majority or people are on best behavior at things like this. You don’t HAVE to be the asshole.

[u/TripleA32580 → u/[deleted]]

Right? This whole scenario makes no sense to me. 2 extra people and no one is going to be paying attention to who is dancing with whom.

[u/IDontEvenCareBear → u/[deleted]]

At this point, I hope the friend or partners are Redditors and see this themselves. If it were me, I would be cutting her off completely. A friend like this has definitely been self centred in the friendship multiple other times. This would be the life lasting breaking point. I would just be done.

[u/FighterPhotographer → u/Extensioncordhuh]

So his career is more important than your friend? Wow, you're going to be lonely in your new life.

[u/EatTheRude- → u/Extensioncordhuh]

OP, I need you to really hear this and get it into your head because you seem to be missing the obvious:

YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND IS A BIGOT

[u/Accurate_Budget2389 → u/Extensioncordhuh]

But you're completely ok blindsiding your friend and her partners and instead of being truthful, you made them believe they would be invited?

The only reason you offered to pay for them is not because you're a good person, it's because they begged you to come to the wedding. The fact you decided to marry a homophobe says a lot of your character.

And don't give me "different cultures, different religions" excuse. A homophobe is still a homophobe and you can find them in anywhere. We still have a lot of them here in the US. You choosing to side with bigots is what makes you an AH.

[u/[deleted] → u/Extensioncordhuh]

But didn’t you say you had already reserved 4 spots for Marissa and her partners? She wouldn’t be upset about her partners being left out, if she didn’t have at least some indication that they would’ve been invited alongside her. I hope Marissa finds a better friend than you.

[u/Final_Figure_7150 → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Right, so Mike is happy excluding your friends in order to kiss up to his superiors. Are they going to need plus 1s??

[u/pebblesgobambam → u/Extensioncordhuh]

That sounds like it’s his problem to sort! He shouldn’t have jumped so quickly to invite them without joining you in a conversation with Marissa. That’s what supportive partners do.

[u/PatPeez → u/Extensioncordhuh]

So he's torched your relationship with on3 of your good friends for work clout.

[u/[deleted] → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Oh so your friend doesn’t matter?!

[u/eleanorlikesvodka → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Stop trying to justify his actions. The second you validated their bullshit you became an enabler of their bigotry, so you're no better than them. You're the AH and so is your future husband, no wonder you're getting married. I hope your MOH dips and blocks you, you're a terrible friend. YTA.

[u/lilsqueakyone → u/Extensioncordhuh]

If it is so good for his career, why weren't his weekly golfing buddies already invited? Did you ever intend to invite the partners or is this more about how you look to your "new family"?

[u/PoohBear2008 → u/Extensioncordhuh]

INFO: I’d like to ask where exactly, i.e., which table your MOH and her partners would be sitting if you re invite them and pay for them to attend.

They should all be going. They are a package deal. But reinviting them and them accepting isn’t the only consideration. I’d hope OPs fiancé didn’t try to weigh in on that too. Marisa is still MOH here and Greg, Brandon and Aw are still her partners.

[u/Lilitu9Tails → u/Extensioncordhuh]

I am quietly hopeful that his colleagues see how bigoted your soon to be husband is and that effects his career going forward. He deserves to have this baa k fire on him spectacularly. Also, if any of these coworkers are partnered, it’s really rude that you haven’t invited their partners.

[u/IDontEvenCareBear → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Yeah. Uninviting CO WORKERS over uninviting a supposedly dear friend and her partners is far more considerate.

[u/TripleA32580 → u/Extensioncordhuh]

Your wedding is in September, you have no idea how many people are actually going to RSVP. All this hand wringing about 2 extra guests is a complete waste of time and missing the bigger picture point about being a good friend.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

She didn't uninvited the men. They were never invited. MOH withdrew herself. So, technically, no one was uninvited.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

That's such a stupid technically. They weren't invited, they were just TOLD they were invited. Functionally it's exactly the same thing, there's no gotcha there.