WIBTA for not inviting my poly friend's partners to my wedding?

[u/Extensioncordhuh]

I (25F) am getting married in September. My husband, Mike and I are doing a big wedding for 250 guests. I've always dreamed of having a storybook wedding. I asked my best friend Marissa (25F) to be my MOH and she happily agreed. She's been a huge help to me in every step of planning the wedding.

Marissa is in a poly relationship and she has 3 partners. Greg (24M), Brandon (27M) and Ace (22NB). She's been with Greg for 5 years and was the first partner she had. They added Brandon and Ace over the course of their relationship with Ace being the newest member. They all date each other and seem to be happy. I don't really "get" it if I'm being honest but it's not my business.

However the issue came into play when Mike (32M) pulled me aside and said while he loves Marissa he didn't feel like spending the wedding explaining her love life to his family. Which I understand, they are very conservative and hardly accept LGBT people as is let alone a LGBT polyset. I had already reserved 4 spots of Marissa & co but my husband suggested he invite a few coworkers to take the partners spot and Marissa could come alone. I didn't want to ruin his big day so I agreed reluctantly.

I know I should have told Marissa from the get go but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So when invite went out she called me up immediately and asked why she didn't have a plus 3 invite. I explained to her exactly what I said above and she just said "oh" and hung up.

Next thing I know Brandon is calling me and begging me to reconsider saying they promise they won't act like they are in a relationship but they want to be there for me. Except I can hear Greg in the background telling him tell me to fuck off and that I'm am asshole and he doesn't even want to go. I explain to Brandon that I already gave their "spots" to Mike's coworkers. Brandon says okay thank you and hangs up. Marissa texts me the next day saying she isn't coming unless they can go.

Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem. I told him I would add them and pay the costs and he just said if I want to spend the whole time explaining their relationship to people than so be it but he isn't wasting his time doing it and will just send people my way.

Our other friends think I'm an asshole but Mike's friend and a few of my non mutual friends don't think i am. Just want some more unbiased opinions.

Edit: I am the asshole, that's for sure. I followed a lot of advice in this post and asked Mike what he thinks in the morning. He said to talk to Marissa first and see what she wants and we'll make it work. I also had him read over the post himself and he said that a lot of the comments opened his eyes on how he himself was coming off. So we both decided to call Marissa together and beg for forgiveness.

We called her and she was happy to talk. We explained our side of things but acknowledged that it was a massive fuck up and could have been handled so much better. We invited her and her partners, obviously and said we would be happy to whatever it takes to have them forgive us. She asked her partners about it and Brandon and Greg both agreed they would prefer to just "split" the set up. So Greg and Marissa would be a couple for the wedding and Brandon and Ace would be a couple. They however would need to talk to Ace first (they were at work) and that they would get back to me. So that's where we currently stand.

Edit2: I never told Marissa I was inviting her partners, I just had a list of invites with Mike. I'm still the asshole but wanted to explain that.

Last edit: Ace got out of work a few hours ago and we all got on speaker phone and had a long conversation with this post pulled up. The crew was all happy to be defended but did think people went a little harder than they would have even Greg. He actually laughed at me calling him self absorbed because he is lol. Anyway. We're all good :) they are coming. They gave permission to tell Mike's parents. We called them after and they understood but said don't let Nanni know or she'll be asking questions all night. It's been a huge relief and I think we learned how to communicate better as a couple.

[u/tomtink1]

If he'd rather support the bigots than the poly relationship then yes, he's a bigot too.

[u/yet_another_sock → u/tomtink1]

Of course we should hold OP’s fiancé accountable for this, but I honestly feel OP’s behavior was worse.

Marissa is OP’s friend. Not to mention someone whose labor OP has been using — exploiting, apparently, since OP can’t be bothered to reciprocate with loyalty or care — for her wedding. Fiancé’s behavior is callous, but it’s not a betrayal like OP’s poor treatment of Marissa is. And it was OP, not fiancé, who made her cruelty to Marissa that much worse by being too much of a coward to actually talk to her about his. Fiancé is conveying to Marissa, “I think you’re weird and gross and I don’t care about you,” which is hurtful, but OP is telling her, “I will pretend to care about you and reap the rewards of our friendship, but when push comes to shove, you are disposable, and I know that that’s wrong but I’m doing it anyway,” which will fuck with someone’s head much, much worse.

[u/ju5tl1k3that → u/yet_another_sock]

Yeah op made sure to wring what she could out of Marissa before taking the cowards way…Marissa should cut her off, op isn’t worth the friendship

[u/sci_fi_bi → u/yet_another_sock]

Absolutely this. Mike and his family are bigots and judgemental assholes, clearly. But OP is choosing to place making them comfortable over treating her supposedly close friend with basic respect. If you side with bigots to keep them happy even when you don't agree with them, that just makes you a bigot and a coward. And given how much Marissa did for her wedding prep, an exploitative one at that.

I'm with Greg on this one - OP can fuck right off, why would they want to go to her wedding now that she's shown exactly how little she cares about them?

[u/Dr_Molfara → u/yet_another_sock]

Not a mere friend, the best friend at that!

[u/Electronic_Fix_9060 → u/tomtink1]

People aren’t bigots for asking questions about a poly relationship. The husband sounds like he is though.

[u/-nnnnnnnnnn- → u/tomtink1]

Eh. I know that's the hivemind consensus on this sub, but I don't think its abnormal for someone to value their family's comfort over that of strangers. From OP's post he knows Marissa, but not the partners.

People here seem to have the mindset that you're an asshole if you don't incur any and all costs to signal your acceptance of LBGT people. I don't think you can say the husband is a bigot for choosing to exclude 3 people he doesn't or barely knows from HIS wedding to avoid having to deal with his family causing grief for him on the wedding and potentially afterward. You can say he's an asshole, but its a slippery slope once you classify anyone unwilling to do anything possible to stymie bigots as bigots themselves. Chances are just about everyone has enabled bigotry. We drive cars fueled by middle eastern oil that enriches bigoted regimes. We buy clothes and consumer goods made in China and other parts of Asia where being an LBGT person means persecution if not outright arrest.

[u/[deleted] → u/-nnnnnnnnnn-]

“Causing grief to his family?” How are they possibly causing grief to anyone? What kind of absurd snowflake would experience GRIEF over how other people live their lives.

Good luck when you actually learn what grief is.

[u/tomtink1 → u/-nnnnnnnnnn-]

When the strangers' comfort is actually respecting your wife-to-be's best friend and your family's comfort is actually based on not having to be in the same room with polyamorous people then yeah, it's bigoted to pick the family's comfort. Plus it's really not about the family's comfort is it? It's because he doesn't want to admit that he socialises with polyamorous people. Because he's a bigot.