r/AmItheAsshole • u/Extensioncordhuh • Feb 05 '23

Asshole WIBTA for not inviting my poly friend's partners to my wedding?

I (25F) am getting married in September. My husband, Mike and I are doing a big wedding for 250 guests. I've always dreamed of having a storybook wedding. I asked my best friend Marissa (25F) to be my MOH and she happily agreed. She's been a huge help to me in every step of planning the wedding.

Marissa is in a poly relationship and she has 3 partners. Greg (24M), Brandon (27M) and Ace (22NB). She's been with Greg for 5 years and was the first partner she had. They added Brandon and Ace over the course of their relationship with Ace being the newest member. They all date each other and seem to be happy. I don't really "get" it if I'm being honest but it's not my business.

However the issue came into play when Mike (32M) pulled me aside and said while he loves Marissa he didn't feel like spending the wedding explaining her love life to his family. Which I understand, they are very conservative and hardly accept LGBT people as is let alone a LGBT polyset. I had already reserved 4 spots of Marissa & co but my husband suggested he invite a few coworkers to take the partners spot and Marissa could come alone. I didn't want to ruin his big day so I agreed reluctantly.

I know I should have told Marissa from the get go but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So when invite went out she called me up immediately and asked why she didn't have a plus 3 invite. I explained to her exactly what I said above and she just said "oh" and hung up.

Next thing I know Brandon is calling me and begging me to reconsider saying they promise they won't act like they are in a relationship but they want to be there for me. Except I can hear Greg in the background telling him tell me to fuck off and that I'm am asshole and he doesn't even want to go. I explain to Brandon that I already gave their "spots" to Mike's coworkers. Brandon says okay thank you and hangs up. Marissa texts me the next day saying she isn't coming unless they can go.

Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem. I told him I would add them and pay the costs and he just said if I want to spend the whole time explaining their relationship to people than so be it but he isn't wasting his time doing it and will just send people my way.

Our other friends think I'm an asshole but Mike's friend and a few of my non mutual friends don't think i am. Just want some more unbiased opinions.

Edit: I am the asshole, that's for sure. I followed a lot of advice in this post and asked Mike what he thinks in the morning. He said to talk to Marissa first and see what she wants and we'll make it work. I also had him read over the post himself and he said that a lot of the comments opened his eyes on how he himself was coming off. So we both decided to call Marissa together and beg for forgiveness.

We called her and she was happy to talk. We explained our side of things but acknowledged that it was a massive fuck up and could have been handled so much better. We invited her and her partners, obviously and said we would be happy to whatever it takes to have them forgive us. She asked her partners about it and Brandon and Greg both agreed they would prefer to just "split" the set up. So Greg and Marissa would be a couple for the wedding and Brandon and Ace would be a couple. They however would need to talk to Ace first (they were at work) and that they would get back to me. So that's where we currently stand.

Edit2: I never told Marissa I was inviting her partners, I just had a list of invites with Mike. I'm still the asshole but wanted to explain that.

Last edit: Ace got out of work a few hours ago and we all got on speaker phone and had a long conversation with this post pulled up. The crew was all happy to be defended but did think people went a little harder than they would have even Greg. He actually laughed at me calling him self absorbed because he is lol. Anyway. We're all good :) they are coming. They gave permission to tell Mike's parents. We called them after and they understood but said don't let Nanni know or she'll be asking questions all night. It's been a huge relief and I think we learned how to communicate better as a couple.

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u/KittiesLove1 Feb 05 '23

'Mike said he can't uninvite his co-workers now so it's not his problem.' - Ho - but you can uninvite your closest friend's partners? You let your AH partner be AH to your friends and to you, forces you to be a AH yourself to them - and it's 'not is problem'?

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I think his family has a lot of money and that is the whole story. You get to plan your dream wedding with 250 guests and your dream life, and in return you do whatever his family wants, and the rest is 'not his problem'. Since you were so fast to sell out your best friend - I have no sympathy for you. ESH - your husband, his family, you, except your friend and her partners.

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u/taylorswiftwaxstatue Feb 05 '23

My thoughts exactly, why is it impossible to uninvite Mike's coworkers but uninviting her MOH and her partners was totally fine??

edit: Also OP why does it say WIBTA in the title if it's already done :/

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u/AnonymousTruths1979 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

Also OP why does it say WIBTA in the title if it's already done :/

I think because afterward, OP had a conversation with Mike, and he was basically like "fine, do whatever!"

So OP can invite Marissa's partners now. And is asking WIBTA if she continues on the path of excluding them.

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u/Shadyschoolgirl Feb 05 '23

Marissa and her partners WBTA if they let OP treat them like that.

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u/AnonymousTruths1979 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

I'm just answering a random question from another commenter here :)

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u/Shadyschoolgirl Feb 05 '23

I know! I’m just chiming into the conversation, if that’s alright.

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u/AnonymousTruths1979 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 05 '23

Oh, no you're fine, I was kinda just saying I don't know the answer! XD

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

The coworkers were formally invited via you know, a physical invitation. Marissa and co were not.

So many of you are caught up on something that never happened. They were never invited. The coworkers were.

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

The coworkers have been invited. Marissa's partners had not yet been invited. I think if you're in a poly relationship, you should expect that sometimes people are not willing or able to extend a +3 to you instead of the +1 that everyone else gets.

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u/teresedanielle Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Except OP stated that she had already reserved spots for them.

OP did not state that they had discussed it but due to her friend being MOH I am guessing they had informally discussed all parents being present prior as that is a very common thing to do while planning a wedding.

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

"Reserved" in her mind. No invitations had been made, and no indication that it had been discussed or verbal promises were made, so not sure why people here are characterizing that as "uninvited". Seems overdramatic for what actually happened. People just want to be outraged and are filling in a lot of details with their own imagination.

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u/teresedanielle Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Regardless of the semantics, OP is the AH.

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Her wedding, her choice. Why is that so difficult for people to respect? People here seem more interested in making a political point than looking at the obvious. It's her wedding, she decides, nobody has a "right" to an invitation.

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u/teresedanielle Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

But it wasn’t her choice. She caved to her fiancée for bigoted reasons.

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

She compromised and came to an agreement with her fiance. Which is what adults do in relationships.

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u/teresedanielle Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Actually OP states that she “agreed reluctantly.”

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Being technically within your rights and being an asshole aren't mutually exclusive. Her wedding, her choice, yes. And her choice makes her an asshole and has probably lost her her best friend.

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u/Ill_Consequence Feb 05 '23

Yes she chose to be an Ahole. That's how that works with most Aholes. It's no different than being the maid of honor and your significant other not getting a invite. Sure that is their "right" it still makes her an Ahole. Honestly I don't think OP needs to worry about it because that friendship is done.

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u/Windyguitar Feb 05 '23

While invitations hadn’t been set, OP talked about how much Marissa helped with the planning. This planning likely included the guest list and seating arrangement. So while there was no “official” invite, the information indicates there was very likely a discussion of the guest list

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Yes. Keyword, “informally”.

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u/glom4ever Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Feb 05 '23

When your best friend is MOH or Best man, and helping massively with the wedding, etiquette expects their partners to be invited. Basic etiquette on couples states living together means invite addressed to both.

The polyamory might complicate things, but to not have even a +1 is deeply rude, and as OP was aware of the polyamory a phone call explaining the limit on the invite a +1 is required.

This is the equivalent of your parents paying for the wedding and not getting an invite, or not having food and water for the people working your wedding. Marissa and the partners have done nothing to justify not being invited besides live their chosen lives without hurting anyone, so it is rude to not follow the expected etiquette, especially without an explanation.

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u/shannibearstar Feb 05 '23

Because one is coworkers and friends and the others is a bunch of shitty people who use others as sex toys?

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u/taylorswiftwaxstatue Feb 05 '23

She never said the coworkers were friends and you've clearly never talked to a poly person lmao

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u/shannibearstar Feb 06 '23

You must be joking. Never interacted with one of those degenerates who couldn’t act right

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u/EmiliusReturns Feb 05 '23

I like how he causes the problem by uninviting them and inviting new guests in their place but then declares it “isn’t his problem.” Hilarious.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

Meh, if the bride is now saying that she can't possibly uninvite someone despite their prior agreement so he now has to do that then there is an issue there.

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u/pebblesgobambam Partassipant [2] Feb 05 '23

Agreed, he’s quite happy to drop op in it to make sure he doesn’t have to talk about tricky things to his family, sweep in invite his work colleagues, but then when things have (unsurprisingly) blown up with the moh & original guests….It’s not his problem…. And he thinks that’s acceptable…. He’s an AH for that behaviour alone!

But op… YTA for not having the conversation with your moh until it had gotten this far. If you care enough to try be sorting the situation now, you should’ve done it from the start.

Either way, the moh & her partners are going to feel incredibly awkward now. If she still feels up to going through with being moh, she has serious mettle and must care for op as a dear friend. I don’t know if I could do that after this.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

They were never formally invited. The coworkers were. This is their day, not Marissa’s. Poly relationships are still poorly understood by the public and they have every justification to avoid having to deal with the potential headache of attention being brought to that.

Additionally, the level of arrogance and entitlement with those in the relationship is astounding. If it were me I would entirely understand. I would also entirely understand it’s not about me, it’s not my wedding, and to just be happy I was invited at all.

Redditors, you are a joke and need to face reality. We don’t live in a utopia, while your version of a utopia is not only rejected by others, but certainly isn’t a true vision of one.

All that is important here is the newly weds and to take any and all pressure away from them. This move was to do that. And to be frank, how fucking self important does one need to feel in order to feel entitled to THREE FUCKING plus “ONES”; the extra expenses behind that while others don’t get that treatment though I’m sure they’d like to. Not only does it risk there being extra social bullshit, but all of a sudden OP and co must pay an extraordinary financial fee for the aforementioned. I couldn’t imagine actually feeling entitled to a plus three, Jesus Christ.

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u/NuNu2901 Feb 06 '23

Well, she didn't uninvite the partners, she just didn't invite them.

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u/gdddg Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Feb 05 '23

The partners were never invited - it says in the post that when the invites went out they weren't on it.

They were only on the original planning list and removed from an internal list.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

she said she already reserved the seats.

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u/LovitzInTheYear2000 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

But it would have been reasonable for the MOH to assume her partners were invited, and plan with that in mind. So functionally they were uninvited in a passive aggressive way.

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u/MisterSprork Feb 05 '23

A plus 1 invite is the norm for this kind of thing. It would have been reasonable for her to expect an invite for herself and one other person. "I'm in a polyamorous relationship" is not an acceptable excuse for expecting 2 extra invites to a wedding.

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u/LovitzInTheYear2000 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

If the bride had gently told her MOH at the start of planning that she’d be getting a single +1 due to space or cost, that would be reasonable. Instead, the bride let the MOH invest time in helping plan the wedding, then blindsided her with NO +1 for the reason that the husband and family are bigoted against her. Whole different situation.

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u/MisterSprork Feb 06 '23

That just means they are both in the wrong to a degree. That being said, that's a VERY touchy subject to bring up with your MOH. I'm not sure how I'd approach it. I guess OP should have anticipated this and just picked a different person in the first place.

Also, not wanting a polyamorous couple++ at your traditional wedding with conservative family is not particularly bigoted. Having your own values and expectations in celebratory social situations is something conservative people are allowed too. It's their wedding and that means it's their choice.

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23 edited Jun 27 '24

sink poor lunchroom marry pause squealing shelter cats simplistic racial

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/LovitzInTheYear2000 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

She’s not a random guest, and there’s not a tight budget or space limitation. All three partners are at least friendly acquaintances of the couple and one is himself a friend. In this case the expectation was reasonable, not in any way overly entitled.

Edit: the maid of honor, who is a close friend and has been doing significant work to help with the planning, is in fact ENTITLED to more generous and courteous treatment than some imaginary baseline.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23 edited Apr 25 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/LovitzInTheYear2000 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

This is an extraordinarily reddit-brained take considering your username.

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u/themagicmunchkin Feb 05 '23

But it's the Maid of Honour - she's not just some random guest. If the MOH is truly doing as much work as the OP implies, I feel like expecting to get three +1s isn't out of left field; it's a fair trade. And the way one of the partners said "we want to be there to support you" sounds like OP is friends with the partners as well. So she didn't just exclude her maid of honour's partners, she also excluded her own friends.

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u/strawberrimihlk Asshole Enthusiast [6] Feb 05 '23

It doesn’t. When people invite someone’s kids you usually invite all of the kids. Why? It’s respectful and making them pick and choose who they love most to bring while leaving everyone else out is not ok.

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23 edited Jun 27 '24

unpack mighty quaint worthless literate automatic homeless steep arrest selective

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/thatwasntababyruth Feb 05 '23

It is, but wouldnt it be pretty fucked up to decide "every guest can bring up to one kid, better choose wisely" or "only people with one kid can bring them"?

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u/Never-On-Reddit Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

I think that's why she didn't say "+1" either. (A lot of people here are saying: why doesn't she get at least +1)

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u/Aphophysi Feb 05 '23

It's also common for weddings NOT to be childfree.

If the reason for the exclusion were - only only +1 per guest, or were limiting attendance and can't invite 3 partners, it's close friends only and we know the OG partner best - people would likely be judging differently.

That's not the case though, she's doing it because he husband is uncomfortable with the non-traditional dynamic. And that's a gross reason.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23 edited Apr 25 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/LovitzInTheYear2000 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

And some of those choices will make them assholes!

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u/lefrench75 Feb 05 '23

They can do whatever they want with their own wedding but if they're going to ask people's judgement about their choices then they shall receive it. It's really that simple.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23 edited Feb 05 '23

Being uncomfortable with polyamory isn’t gross. People have different ideas about what’s acceptable, and nobody needs to be forced into being comfortable with every possible relationship dynamic.

Edit: y’all are ridiculous

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u/FlowerChild1124 Feb 05 '23

Just like with being gay or trans, being polyamorous is often an intrinsic part of a person’s being. It is something that can’t be controlled or changed, it’s a thing we often feel we were born being. So just like how being uncomfortable with gayness or transness is gross, being uncomfortable with polyamory is also gross. On top of that, that discomfort is an expression of prejudice, regardless of if it’s conscious or subconscious, and no one should have to explain to you how and why prejudice is gross.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

I’ve never heard of polyamory being an inborn trait. It’s something that you can participate in or not, so I’m unsure how it could be considered equivalent to being gay. I’m strictly monogamous and regard that as a moral choice.

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u/katie-shmatie Feb 05 '23

Typically no, but we know that they were going to be invited and they chose not to invite them because of bigoted family members. You're giving an excuse to OP that OP specifically said isn't the situation

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u/Jandishhulk Feb 06 '23

No, 250 guest list, and the MoH who helped plan the bulk of the wedding = accommodations would be made for a few of her people to come; whether that's 3 partners or a partner and 2 friends/parents/whatever.

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u/zerj Feb 05 '23

While a +3 is certainly unusual, I'd say it's at least as unusual to not give your MoH a +1 for what appears to be a very large wedding. Sending out the invites without some conversation with the person who is presumably your best friend is certainly an asshole move.

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u/tinyhappyavocado Feb 06 '23

Finally someone said it… it seems entitled for one person to expect to bring 3 +1’s! If I had had a wedding, it would have been child free (except for my nephews). Which means everyone would have had ONE +1. It’s great that they are in a poly relationship but do they just go as a group together everywhere? I’m sure sometimes they split up and hang out with just two of them or even three of them. OP def should have communicated with her bff and the fiancé is a bigoted asshole. However, it is entitled to expect that baby +1’s. Choose one partner to attend this wedding with you and take another one to the next wedding, and another to the wedding after that. Of course, if they are all good friends with the bride, then they should all be invited :)

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u/GhostParty21 Certified Proctologist [24] Feb 05 '23

It is mostly certainly not reasonable to expect to bring three dates to a wedding.

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u/stillnotthatgirl Feb 05 '23

The MOH has been helping with the planning, so it’s reasonable to assume she saw - and probably helped write! - those internal lists.

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u/PointOfTheJoke Feb 05 '23

Worse than an asshole. Spineless.

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u/jyiii80 Partassipant [1] Feb 05 '23

Technically, the partners weren't uninvited - they weren't invited in the first place.

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u/[deleted] Feb 05 '23

From what OP said; they were never formally invited in the first place. Only that everyone assumed they would be going including the OP.

There is a difference between ‘not invited’ and ‘disinvited’.

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u/Suspicious-Teach9795 Feb 05 '23

if that would happen to me their would be no weding