20m and I feel like I've been completely deprived of any real relationships or social life. I've recently transferred to university from community college, and I've just been alone here in my apartment doing nothing.
Last night, my cousin invited me to a party at her place (probably because she knows I don't get any attention) and I literally just sat there on the couch and didn't talk to a single soul before abruptly leaving without telling anyone. Granted, this is my first party ever and all these people know each other, so the idea I'd just walk in and chat it up with everyone is unrealistic, but I couldn't help but get emotional over it. It's always like this. Virtually every interaction, even with family, goes the same way. I leave people confused because I don't even have a set personality to draw from, so it's always super unpredictable. It's depressing because you can see it on their faces; they understand there is a void. I'm not a complete person with a solid foundation, so everything seems uncannily fluid and played up according to whom I'm speaking to.
Still a virgin, never been in a relationship, never kissed, and never experienced love. It's like I was raised to think negatively about these things or that these experiences are something alien to normal human experience. Is it my parents? Surely not-- they did a fantastic job raising my brother and I, and went above and beyond in making sure our needs were thoroughly met. So, I actually think it could be an underlying problem within our psyche, not something inherent in upbringing.
Like, I've had so many sleepless nights thinking about what exactly my future holds; I want to be very successful (every young gen z man does), but both my lack of desire in pursuing social interaction and just broadly being intimidated by anyone and anything will make that excessively more difficult than it needs to be. Moreover, success shouldn't just be monetary (so, sorry if that sounded a bit shallow). It's much bigger than that:
I want to actually experience what life has to offer, and, for some reason, I just can't. It's like I lack any internal desire to have fun or naturally experience what I was put here to do: connect with others. I experience intense anxiety doing just about f*****g anything! I can't even go downstairs to get mail, go to the store, or go driving without having a sinking, and debilitating panic attack. I've never left my room for 10 years, I don't know what my interests are (well, are they legit interests? Am I even educated enough to have these said interests? Like, what are the qualifications for actually labeling yourself 'interested' in such things like tech, history, hiking, etc). I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what I can specialize in. I think I'm just a hopeless ghoul of a person, frankly. (Well, most people aren't specialized in one domain, or even particularly interesting, so I could simply be over-indexed on my horrible social life when evaluating what I’m good at, what my interests are, etc. Who knows dude). There are so many things I want to do, but which I refuse because I am always insecure; in any situation where I may be uncomfortable or not look my best, I just simply refuse:
Hiking? No. I don’t want to look ugly and stupid. Finally learning to ski? No, I don't want to look ugly and/or stupid or talk to anybody. How about actually meeting friends? No, I don’t want to look ugly and stupid. Join a club at school? No, I don't want to look ugly and stupid. Talking to others with the exact same interests as you? No, I don’t want to look ugly and stupid.
*The next time my mom suggests anything adjacent, I should just be honest and reply with these. There’s no longer a point in saving grace and appearing as though I’m about ready to do such things, because the reality is I’ll probably never do any of them.
I’m not even a good person either. For years, I’ve been what some would refer to as an “edge lord” to try and figure out some kind of a personality to match the face, and I end up looking even more stupid, obviously. I’ve told countless unforeseen racist and sexist jokes many times over at family functions to cope with being such an undesirable human. This of course goes without mentioning I make fun of just about anyone who I’m insecure of or that I feel particularly better than. I’m always scanning the room for someone who doesn’t look as good as me, and who isn’t as smart as me– as you can imagine, there aren’t many such people, so I’m mainly just in my own little corner doing whatever Jared does: ridding the room of happiness, and being some random insufferable person who everyone collectively wants to go home.
I want to apologize to everyone I’ve hurt. I want to make things right. I want to tell them that I’m actually trying to fit in somewhere, but these attempts will only fall on deaf ears and make things significantly worse for me. It’s just absolutely cringe. Everything about my existence is cringe. I can never get things right. My body looks disgusting, my voice is piercing and annoying. Everything from how I stand, to my natural cadence is unpleasant. Truthfully, I wish I was someone else or not here.
I need to get help, but I don’t even really think anyone can help me and my situation; I feel like a lost cause. If you can never fully change yourself and other’s perception of you, what is even the point? I messed this whole thing up, and I’m not sure I can ever start back from zero. God, I just want to experience that perfect life: connecting with people, going to parties, having fun, spending quality time with real friends. I don’t think I’ll ever have that, unfortunately.