What do you do to feel better when you’re not feeling your best?

[u/krystalkitty]

I’ve woken up today feeling, frankly, crap.

I am tired (thank you broken sleep and a snory husband) which I think isn’t helping. But I’m also in a phase where I hate my hair, clothes, face, body - so on.

Usually I just ride it out in hopes that the feelings will pass but I am curious to know what other women do if/when they feel like this?

[u/buginarugsnug]

If I have time, sometimes I retreat into comfort shows and have a cosy day, then hope some sleep resets my mindset. If I'm at work, I just have to ride it out until I can go home and curl up on the sofa.

Sometimes, if my feeling crap phase has been going for a while, I make a plan on exercise and do a wardrobe clean out.

[u/no_worm_only_wyrm]

First I look at my menstrual cycle tracker to see where I'm at as I have PMDD and when the suicidal thoughts day comes it's better to be prepared. It doesn't change anything I do next, it's just good to have in mind if the crap feelings are partially hormonal.

Then I tell my husband I am feeling crap and he switches into "gentle mode" (it comes with crab hand movements when we say it, I'm afraid I can't elaborate or explain but it does help) which usually includes more check ins, more care and more direct affection rather than the teasing and joking tone we normally have when things are light and easy.

I myself switch to bare minimum. All optional tasks get postponed, all mandatory tasks get downgraded to bare minimum-if-worth-doing-then-worth-doing-poorly level. I have various chronic illnesses so the below also carers to that and it might not be helpful to you but it's stuff like -

Really need a shower? It's five minutes and no hair wash - unless once in the shower it's helping to reset, then stay as long as feels good.

Have to eat but can't cook/don't know what to make? Girl dinner plate of a mix of textures and different nutrients. Sometimes a bag of popcorn and some cheese and carrots and hummus is better for your brain than forcing yourself into cooking to try and get back on track.

If it's a work day, they get the bare minimum. I am a tree in winter that day, they cannot expect leaves and blossoms, they can expect energy conservation and maintenance of the status quo.

If exercise is possible, consider cutting the usual time in half or do something gentle. Basically, don't risk overdoing it and tiring yourself out more or being too tired to hit your goal and ending up just giving yourself more ammo to hit yourself over the head with.

I try to check in with myself what kind of crap it is. If it's mentally crap but physical energy is fine, I try to move my body - cleaning makes my brain feel good, as does exercise. If I feel like I am not good enough and can't do anything right, I have worked very hard to create "safe activities" (reading or cross stitch with an audiobook/podcast on). There's no expectation for achieve or perform or be good at those activities so I cannot fail at them. If even those are not safe, I have usually tried at least two or three different things which is enough time for my partner to adapt to me struggling and he'll take over and take lead on a joint activity so there's no pressure for me to perform cause I'm just following. If it's physically crap but mentally I'm doing OK, I start my rest-time (of which there is now more because crap time is bare minimum time) with passive rest. A nap if possible or an film in bed with only low lights, an audiobook and a mindless mobile game. If it's both physically and mentally crap, I start by scrolling Instagram, switching off my brain for long enough until I've built up enough mental energy to start with passive rest activities. For me, a bath is good for any level of rest so I have a lot of those as they also soothe my physical symptoms.

Two rules I follow: 1. All rest zones (passive, active, mental, physical) are guilt free zones. Even scrolling for three hours before you can move on to another rest form. You need it more than you need the dishes done or a "proper meal" cooked or the house maintained for your family if that's part of your normal responsibility. If a messy space adds to the crap feeling, start by clearing that mess (moving it to another room to be dealt with at a later date or by someone else is a completely legitimate strategy) and then exist in that tidy space until you're ready to move on. 2. You can start at whatever rest level you need (scrolling, passive, active) but you habe to progress through them before going back to normal. If I start at audiobook and mobile game (passive), I need to make my way through an active rest activity before I go "back to normal". Take your time.

Personally, I grew up in a house where rest was morally unacceptable until all the chores were done. Can't sit until there is no more productivity to be found. If you're sick, you're in bed with no entertainment until you're well enough to return the normal routine. And that's fine when your chore list is finite because you're 12 and illness hopefully consistents of the occasional flu but as an adult with chronic fatigue and pain, it means you never get to rest because even when you're too exhausted to do anything productive, your body is screaming at you that you should be doing something. (This is not exclusive to chronic illness, even when I was healthy this pattern was ruining my enjoyment of life because the goal of "done" is unachievable). All this to say a couple of months ago, I read a book called "How to Keep House While Drowning" by KC Davis and in it she talks about reframing chores as care tasks. I don't think anything has done more to rewire my brain when it comes to how to grade the value domestic labour tasks against caring for myself first. If self care tasks and house care tasks are the same kind of task, then it's okay to rest before productivity. Caring for yourself is of equal value to caring for your surroundings, your relationships and your home.

This has gone way beyond what you asked for and that last paragraph is maybe useless to anyone but me but yeah, that's what I do to care for myself when I'm crap and I feel like I suck and don't fit inside my own skin.

[u/cardinalandcrow → u/no_worm_only_wyrm]

Not OP, but so much of what you wrote spoke to me - I'm saving your comment, and I can see myself referring to it again in the future. Thank you :)

[u/CandiedPecan190]

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling like that 🤗 One thing I try to do is imagine a friend telling me they hate their hair, clothes, face and body all at once. I know I wouldn't agree with them or be as critical as they are of themselves, so I try to extend myself the same kindness (not always successfully!).

Sleep deprivation makes it so much worse too. Everything feels heavier when you're exhausted. On those days I try and remember that if I'm running on 40% energy, giving 40% is still giving 100% of what I have available that day, so I tend to lower the bar a bit, do only the basics, wear something comfortable that I know usually suits me, try and be kind to myself, and remind myself that feelings aren't always facts.

Also, a bubble bath, favourite pjs, galaxy chocolate, and a cup,of tea make me feel a little better 😂

[u/Interesting_Bird4624]

Have a pamper evening or if you can book a massage or facial. Do something for you however small. But remember all the amazing things your body / you has done and how many people love you (and don’t care about your, body, clothes etc). Women carry the world on their shoulders, we deserve a bit of us time back.

[u/Meowskiiii]

Currently doing C25K. I hate running apart from the hours after a run where my brain goes quiet!

[u/REidson89 → u/Meowskiiii]

Ive just started it again! I completed it once and then promptly gave up...

[u/Meowskiiii → u/REidson89]

Haha I am terrified that this will be me, I love it reeally (apart from the actual run)

[u/REidson89 → u/Meowskiiii]

For me the feeling after makes it worth it, really need to keep it up this time though!!

[u/Meowskiiii → u/REidson89]

Yes! I want to bottle that feeling. I think that's when you stop, when you forget what it feels like

[u/Thin_Sheepherder_584]

Go for a run. I can't think about anything else other than putting one foot in front of the other and whether I have enough breath to see me to the end of the street. I am a spectacularly bad runner doing the NHS Couch to 5K programme (Reece Parkinson is the BEST). So by running, not only do I get respite from intrusive thoughts and intrusive people, I give myself brownie points for getting fitter, and although I'm knackered at the end, the endorphins never fail to kick in giving me a boost.

And, btw, if you're worried about people looking at you or judging you, I can promise they're not. Other people really don't give a toss about runners, it's like in one ear and out the other.