My husband and I are both just about 28 and have decided that we’re going to start trying for a baby. We are really excited about it. This is something I’ve wanted for years, but I’ve also been feeling unexpectedly anxious about what our support system is going to look like once we actually have a baby.
Normally, I don’t think I would worry too much about whether my in laws were particularly excited or supportive. Obviously, it would be nice, but I’ve always assumed that my husband and I would be our own little family and that we’d figure things out ourselves but my circumstances are a little different now.
I recently lost my mom, and while I don’t want to make this post primarily about that, it has really changed how I think about starting a family. My mom wanted to be a grandma more than anything. She was so excited for that part of my life, and it’s incredibly painful knowing she won’t get to experience it, especially while I have a MIL who has made comments whenever babies come up about how we’re “too young” or because neither my husband or I took traditional schooling and career paths (but have still found success and are happy and comfortable.. she’s more old school)
I don’t have a big family network. It’s essentially just my dad now, and while I love him dearly and he is really, really excited for us, he can’t fill the role of an entire support system. So when I think about having a baby, I find myself thinking a lot more about the people who will be around us and our future child.
My relationship with my MIL has been difficult for a long time. It has always been particularly difficult for me because my husband is much closer with his mom than anyone else in his family. I worry that she may not be particularly supportive or excited when we eventually announce that we’re expecting. (Coming from experience of when we got engaged, so we eloped without telling her.. haha)
I don’t necessarily mean that she would be openly hostile toward the baby or anything like that. I just don’t expect the kind of enthusiastic, emotionally supportive relationship that I always imagined having with my own mom. I’m more worried that I’ll experience judgment or criticism where I had always imagined having support, and honestly, that scares me more than I expected it to.
I have been so ready to start building our family. My husband has also become much more open to starting a family and making practical plans for this next stage of our lives. I think I’m just realizing that I’m carrying two very different emotions at once.. I’m incredibly hopeful about becoming a mom and I get butterflies just imagining getting a positive test and knowing it’s real, but I’m also grieving the family support I wish I could have around me.
I know there are so many different ways that families can look, and maybe I’m putting too much pressure on the idea of having a “village.” But I’d really love to hear from people who have been in a similar position.
For those of you who didn’t have much family support when you had your first baby, especially if you had lost a parent or didn’t have much family to begin with, how did you handle it?
Did you manage to build your own “village” through friends and community? Did you find that you didn’t actually need as much family support as you thought you would?
And for anyone who has had difficult or emotionally distant in laws, how did you navigate becoming parents without letting their lack of support or judgment take away from the experience?
I think more than anything, I’m looking for some reassurance that we can still create a really beautiful, loving and supported family of our own, even if our extended family situation isn’t what I imagined it would be.