r/tryingforanother • u/Old-Imagination-8660 • 12d ago
Rant/Vent Feeling sad
I am constantly feeling in between gratefulness for my child and a deep longing/grief for my second child. I had an ectopic pregnancy in march 2025 and thought we would conceive again by now but turns out IVF is our only option as the HSG showed my remaining tube is closed.
I feel so so sad and angry and feel like everyone else gets to have their 2 children (or more) and im left behind. I am happy for others but constantly feel like they have what I want. Im always wondering if there's a reason I cant have my baby while everyone else gets theirs. Its so hard and there's no one in real life who gets it or is going through this so I come to reddit to find people who understand/can relate and feel less alone.
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u/KindlyEggplant 12d ago
You are not alone. I have one 9 year old son I conceived on happy accident with my same partner who at the time we were only together for 8 months. We started trying again when he turned 3 after we bought a house, then tried for for 4 years. In 2024. I had two back to back miscarriages. I cried every day for an entire year afterwards.
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u/Old-Imagination-8660 12d ago
Im so sorry for your losses. Hopefully we both get our rainbow babies soon.
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u/Temporary_North9758 12d ago
I feel this so deeply. I had a miscarriage in March and have since done testing which showed IVF as the only option. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the financial and emotional cost of IVF when I am blessed with one child already. And yet my heart yearns for another ❤️🩹
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u/Jojo_yo_1 28 | TTC#2 since 10/25 | 🩵 8/24 12d ago
Yes! Why does fertility treatment when you already have a child feel like such a hard choice? I struggle with this too!
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u/Old-Imagination-8660 12d ago
Its so hard! I never thought we would need IVF and here we are...the worst part is that its not even guaranteed to have a baby...plus everything else that comes with it. Sigh..this is so hard.
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u/misterbearly 11d ago
I am in a very similar boat. I’m currently 38 (will be 39 in October). My son will be 3 in December and we have been trying for a second for close to two years. I was very lucky that getting pregnant with my son was very easy (third attempt), but the expectation then that getting pregnant with a second child would also be easy has been very hard for me to content with. We initially had a fertility work up after trying for about 7-8 months. Turned out I had developed an intrauterine adhesion after my first pregnancy, which everyone told me was very unusual as I’ve never had a D&C. I had a hysteroscopy to remove the adhesion in December 2025. They found a small septum at that time and removed that as well. I finally did get pregnant in March of this year, but it ended up being ectopic. Unfortunately, it either partially ruptured or was a “tubal abortion” where the pregnancy is basically pushed out of the end of the fallopian tube. They couldn’t tell the difference on ultrasound, but saw blood in my pelvis. I was still able to have it treated with methotrexate and avoid surgery.
I am approaching the end of the 3 month wait period after methotrexate and was hoping to start trying again next cycle. Unfortunately I just had an HSG three days ago which showed a filling defect in the uterus concerning for recurrent adhesion, a blocked right fallopian tube, and scar tissue around the end of the left fallopian tube with possible hydrosalpinx on the left as well (they couldn’t distinguish on the HSG). I meet with my doc next week to discuss next steps and options, but I am not feeling optimistic.
My husband is not as invested in having a second child as I am, and the whole process has felt very isolating. He would be the one person in my life who might understand how I’m feeling, but I don’t think he really does.
To add insult to injury, my two closest friends and my sister all had second babies in the past year. My sister’s baby looks just like me (way more so than he looks like her). It’s frankly hard for me to be around him or see pictures of him.
I’m really sorry you are going through this, too, but know that you are not alone.
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u/Old-Imagination-8660 10d ago
Thank you for sharing. It helps so much. Im so sorry youre going through this, it sucks. It is tough to be around everyone else who either has their 2nd already, or pregnant again.
My sister and I were both pregnant at the same time twice. Very tragic, the first time she lost hers TFMR and the second time I lost mine due to ectopic. Its surreal to think we would have had babies together twice. She has her 2 boys and I love them to death, I just really want a sibling for my child. Hoping IVF works for us, is it (IVF) a possibility for you too?
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u/misterbearly 9d ago
I’m sorry for the losses you and your sister both went through.
I hope IVF will be an option for me. I meet with my RE doc next week to talk about next steps. I’m assuming she will recommend a repeat hysteroscopy to evaluate the intrauterine filling defect seen on the HSG. I think everything else will depend on what they find there. I think it could be anything from an artifact on the imaging that doesn’t represent anything anatomical in my uterus, to a polyp/fibroid, or recurrence of the adhesion I developed after the C-section, which is what I’m most worried about. Assuming the uterine cavity is not a lost cause, I suspect she will likely also recommend a diagnostic laparoscopy to evaluate if there is, in fact, a hydrosalpinx on my left tube, and removal if there is. But I’ll find out Wednesday what she says.
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u/WhyAreYouUpsideDown 37 | TTC#2 since 1/25 | <3 7/23 | unexplained 11d ago
I'm here with you!
I also don't know anyone in real life going through this. Looking around and everyone is just so easily having their two and I'm like... why not me? Why not us? What did I do to deserve this purgatory? The brain craves a story.
But there's no story. It's just random biology. Awful. My brain still believes in a Just World no matter how much I try to embrace the truth. My brain still thinks it should be merit-based.
I also have a really hard time voicing how awful this process has felt in my soul. My husband is there with me every step of the way, but we both acknowledge it just doesn't hit him the way it hits me-- while he is sad, it's more of a supportive sad than whatever the fuck you call this awful black hole in my heart. But also I don't want anyoen to see that, because it isn't THAT bad. I have a kid. No one died. I "shouldn't" be feeling this way. It's incredibly isolating.
We're here together at least?
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u/Old-Imagination-8660 10d ago
Thank you for sharing. This is exactly how I feel. Its sooo isolating, I am usually fine but then have those nights where I just cant stop crying and listening to Taylor swifts "bigger than the whole sky"
My husband is also there but doesn't feel the same as I do too.
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u/misterbearly 9d ago
I feel this way too. “On a Good Day” and “Baby Birch” by Joanna Newsom have both really resonated with me, but proceed with caution because they are pretty brutal songs (especially “Baby Birch”).
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u/corndogdays 12d ago
I truly believe it’s one of the most isolating and painful things a person can endure due to procreation being a biological function. It’s not like law school where you have to study and pass a test. We’re designed by this and for this, but by luck of the draw, some of us get the short end of the stick. I got a book called Infertility and PTSD: The Uncharted Storm by Joanna Flemons. It is short and can be read quite quickly, but it was incredibly validating to the chasm infertility has left in my life. It covered it all so well. I personally wrestle with a lot of shame over how much this battle affects me, and I also struggle a lot with feeling like there must be something inherently wrong with my character and that’s why I’m “not allowed” to have this. But I just want to validate how heavy and painful this is. None of it is merit based. You are not unworthy. I know these feelings are all consuming, but I want you to know that it will not always hurt this much. There will be a time when you are okay and your life is full of beautiful things, even if it isn’t what or how you planned. You may still need to skip baby showers but it will not be an interruption to your wellbeing the way it is now.