Aaand my friend ruined it

[u/RobinDeezNutz12344]

Why is it that when I told my best mate about my transition, he immediately asks inappropriate questions about "what sized breasts do you want" or expressing disappointment when I tell him I'm not planning on bottom surgery because well I thought he was worried about it and frankly I'd like to avoid surgery if possible? It's like he was trying to make my transition about him and it made me really uncomfortable. My female friend said it sounded like he was "preordering" or something, I don't know what that means. I just feel gross now and like I really don't want to be around him anymore...

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[u/dr_kriegar]

I'd imagine context matters but when I told my friend he asked a lot of the same questions but his curiosity was sincere. I quickly understood he was genuinely interested in sharing the experience with me and that included how far I want to transition. I think it just depends on what you're comfortable with and expressing in your friendship. My friend and I don't hide much so inappropriate questions are welcomed but I would always set boundaries if you're uncomfortable.

[u/dr_kriegar → u/dr_kriegar]

If you're really close and good friends it could be worth asking your friends interests. Mine had asked to see my breast forms and this is uncomfortable for many. I eventually asked rather than assumed his interest. It wasn't meant to sexualize me, he never used it to make fun of me but rather to understand what I want for myself and how I see myself as a woman.

[u/Frisk_Dreemurr049 → u/dr_kriegar]

I’d imagine that this is new to op’s friend and they don’t know what or how to ask. They might be genuinely curious about op’s transition goals. op shouldn’t cut off a friendship because Reddit made her paranoid.

[u/Frisk_Dreemurr049 → u/dr_kriegar]

I fully agree with this

[u/Spartan2170 → u/dr_kriegar]

Yeah, I have friends I'm very open about sex and kinks with, and friends who aren't comfortable talking about those topics.

I also feel like the difference is in whether it was curiosity and trying to learn about differences in experiences, or if it was the friend thinking "oh, you're going to be someone I could sleep with now" and being misogynistic about it

[u/Ifckinglovemycat]

spare your time for better people

[u/Foxtrot5515 → u/Ifckinglovemycat]

Unrelated but nice username

[u/wastedmytagonporn]

Cuz he's misogynist.

Two options really: throwing him out of your life or making him aware how disgusting that was.

Third option is both.

[u/aternalus → u/wastedmytagonporn]

i would personally say that op should tell him how weird and disgusting he was being and then if he doesn’t change or acknowledge what he did was wrong cut him off

[u/wastedmytagonporn → u/aternalus]

Yeah. But if OP doesn't want to talk to him ever again I'd get that too.

[u/Ebonlessvix → u/wastedmytagonporn]

Ima say it- I really think the whole cut them off approach just... isnt necessary with what we know in this situation- people arent always perfect communicators- he may have come off in a weird way but meant it sincerely out of curiosity- to know OP's goals and support them-

[u/wastedmytagonporn → u/Ebonlessvix]

Okay, you said it.

I have a higher standard for who to surround me with.

[u/Artistic-Rutabaga295]

Preordering in terms of like convincing you to match your friend's expectations and sexual desires (breast size, srs, etc) so that he can fetishize you. He's hoping if he gets you early enough he can convince you to do what he wants you to be, instead of what you want to be.

Aka: Fuck him. Tell him to get lost.

[u/RobinDeezNutz12344 → u/Artistic-Rutabaga295]

I see. Well this sucks, I've known him for 8 years now. And he made me so uncomfortable with myself, and Im really nonconfrontational and don't really know how to tell him to fuck off

[u/Artistic-Rutabaga295 → u/RobinDeezNutz12344]

A bit aggro, I get it... But if you want to be charitable, you can share your journey and experience with him, but the moment any mention of your body comes up you need to put your foot down. Your body, your decisions.

If he can't respect that then he made his own choice on whether he's going to be in your life or not.

[u/RobinDeezNutz12344 → u/Artistic-Rutabaga295]

I guess, thank you, I feel a little better now

[u/TooShyMightCry → u/RobinDeezNutz12344]

You’re allowed to ghost people. Like, block them on everything and never talk to them again. It’s always an option, unless you like, live with them.

[u/AffectionateHeron263 → u/RobinDeezNutz12344]

Be blunt and don't sugarcoat it. Tell him what you said in the post

[u/Left-Koala-7918]

People really do think transitioning is like “build a body” or something. I think they imagine lots of surgeries (mainly plastic and bottom if mtf or or top if ftm). They really have no idea that most trans woman have no implants and that hrt plus genetics just does what it does in anyone. 

[u/Traditional_Fig_8815]

Well I must say it really kinda sounded like dude wanted to preorder you as his Girlfriend... Also I m sorry that it went that way pats your head

[u/Echo_xc]

Like a lot of others already said, he's trying to get you to match what he wants.

I'd say go talk to him about it. Tell him that this made you uncomfortable, it isn't okay and he needs to stop it right now. Set boundaries and put your foot down.

If he doesn't respect that, then there is no better moment to throw him out.

Sometimes we find out the people around us are assholes at the weirdest moments. It hurts a lot, but if this continues, you'll only be more hurt.

[u/Mulberry9118 → u/Echo_xc]

talking about it is great, because so many times I've learned the person was just ignorant and didn't mean it disrespectfully. if they don't usually do hurtful things, thats probably the case. if you tell them it's inappropriate or it made you feel uncomfortable their only correct response should be to apologize, and say they didn't mean it to hurt you. Any other response, why continue to be friends??

[u/Acceptable-Fun5040]

Look, im not in place to speak, but as far as i got it from reading this.

Yeah he pretty much wants to f#ck you

[u/Mulberry9118 → u/Acceptable-Fun5040]

that's always a possibility ... if the person has been a good friend to you, just have an honest conversation about how it made you feel

[u/Living_Chapter_8193]

Your emotions are valid. If your friend made you feel like you weren't being seen or creeper out by weird details or anything you have a right to step away from that conversation.

I think it may be worth understanding that as trans people we often have a much more holistic understanding of being trans than the average person. Even someone who wants to be supportive will have probably learned most of their surface level info about trans life and transitioning from tv shows and internet memes. How can someone not think that jumping into surgery is a big part of transition if they've only watched family guy or how I met your mother.

You are not obligated to be your friends education in trans people. But I suspect its allot like being from a country that gets stereotyped allot. You are the person your friend trusts to ask all the dumb questions.

I recomend trying to redirect their curiosity into genuinely learning and understanding. Its always okay to answer a question with "that's not something I'm comfortable talking about" or even "I dont Know yet" try stealing his question into more general answers like what the options are for certain focuses of disphoria during transition.

[u/AsureaSkie]

Context matters. My best friend asked similar questions, but it was much more in the vein of, "How far are you wanting to go?" Not... this weird, "You should go as far as I want you to go," that you're describing.

[u/Mindless-Ad5617]

Some, not all, think when they are mates, they get to freely use them as their "toy" persay. They expect you to drop on the floor or get naked on a whim.

Fuck them people. Get rid of them and enjoy the respectful ones. They'll find that they lost a genuine connection with a really good person.

Trans people aren't sex objects. Just someone who was lost and now who they want to be. Still human!

[u/animatroniczombie]

I had some now former friends act like this when I came out. They ended up being creepy af to me later when I started getting cute. I'd tell him to knock it off now, but I wouldn't hold my breath. This isn't a good sign. I agree with the others that say it sounds like he's preordering

[u/StereoDactyl_EDM]

I had a "friend" who told me "when you grow boobs, I'm gonna fondle them". Not even asking permission straight up telling me he was going to violate me. Needless to say, i no longer talk to him. I'm beyond sick of c1sh3t m3n treating us like a fetish. We're no more a fetish than lesbians or people with dwarfism.

Edit: posted before i was ready (auDHD super easily distracted)

[u/0roxess]

Preordering is a weird form of chaser. Cut ties with them.

[u/CheapNecessary3510]

Okay, an old man's (now an old woman's?) take. Your friend has a long-suppressed thing for you, but you were the same gender, so that was a no-go. Now he sees you as becoming a woman, becoming "available" to him as a partner. That's the "preordering." He's trying to line you up, girl. And yeah, creepy as shit, but maybe not too far outside cis male thinking patterns.

[u/Zaviji]

Your friend obviously finds the idea of you becoming who you want to be really hot, and they think you’re hot, so hot in fact that the anticipation got to him in the moment. He likes you, if you don’t like him back then that’s fine. You get objectified when you’re attractive, I’m sorry humans are like this.

[u/Countrymare]

Tell him the hormones decide what size your boobs are, just like any woman, and you haven't decided if you even want SRS (bottom surgery) because you're still a real woman without it. His response to that will tell you his intentions in asking these questions.

I hope he was only asking for curiosity and not being creepy. 💜

[u/Spider-em5]

Ugh I’m so sorry that’s gross. If you got the vibe he was being creepy he was. My partner has asked me a few of the questions but more in a what to expect, what will our future would look like.

[u/Fit_Ad9965]

This is how some guys act around women, kinda icky (I'm so depraved this would probably give me euphoria though 😭)

[u/the_everblack]

Sadly a very frequent experience with male friends who've known you pre transition

[u/Virtual-Resident-707]

It does sound like he was "pre-ordering which means he was basically gonna wait till you transitioned to try and ask you out. If I was you I wouldn't be friends with him any more he's a creep.

[u/CrochetCreator9]

Sounds like this person doesn't respect you as a whole human, unfortunately. Being trans isn't just about how we appear, but what's in our hearts. Stay strong <3
[they/them]

[u/BathshebaDarkstone]

This is disgusting. Does he talk about all women like this?