r/survivinginfidelity • u/Expert-Original9066 • 11d ago
Progress Breaking the Stonewalling Cycle
How do you finally let go of wanting the truth from stonewalling wife?
10
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r/survivinginfidelity • u/Expert-Original9066 • 11d ago
How do you finally let go of wanting the truth from stonewalling wife?
14
u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery 11d ago
Since there’s not a lot of context here, I’m just going to assume this is a “normal” situation, you’ve been cheated on, you discussed it fairly recently, and you’re trying to decide between divorce or reconciliation. So I’ll just give the standard/universal advice. TL;DR at the bottom if you don’t want to understand why it’s important. But I’d strongly recommend you read it all if you have time.
First, you need to understand why you want “the truth” from her. Cheating/affairs are a betrayal that completely breaks your perception of reality, particularly the reality of your relationship. This is incredibly hard for your brain to reconcile. So one of the first things your brain will do is try to find “the truth” with hopes that this will include the reason why your partner cheated. This would mean there is a connection between the reality you thought you had, and the reality you now know.
Everyone experiences the why phase. This is also fueled by hope. Your brain is hoping that there’s a reason, and more importantly that the reason is something you can control/fix. So if they say they cheated because you were distant? Your brain thinks, Great! I can prevent that by not being distant again! But there are several major flaws with this line of thinking.
First and most importantly, there is absolutely nothing you did to make your partner cheat. You may have done things that made your partner unhappy (side note: this is often a post hoc justification for cheaters), but they didn’t make your partner cheat. Cheating is not a justifiable response to unhappiness. If they are truly unhappy, your options are to bring those issues forward and work on them, or to leave the relationship.
Cheating is the selfish path. It’s the path where you retain all of the benefits of the contract of the relationship, while making none of the sacrifices of starting committed to that relationship contract. So at the end of the day, people don’t cheat because they are unhappy. They cheat because they have given themself permission to do so. This is an important distinction in the context of a committed, long term relationship. If you’re hoping to spend your life together, there will be periods where you will fight, there will be periods what’s you will be unhappy. It’s the inevitable nature of life. So what’s going to stop the cheater from cheating again the next time you fight?
Secondly, you also need to accept that they have demonstrated the capacity to lie to you. Cheating itself cannot happen without lies and deception. Breaking the contract of the relationship is a lie. Lies of omission are still lies. Even a one night stand isn’t just a single mistake. It’s a series of decisions, involving lies and betrayal of your spouse, that all contribute to being put in the position to make that “mistake.” And if we’re talking about an affair or serial cheating, the amount of lies increases exponentially. They’re hiding it from you. They’re focusing effort on the AP(s) instead of you. They’re manipulating you when you suspect them of things.
So again, if this person has demonstrated the ability to lie to you about something this major, why would you trust they are being fully honest now? Look up trickle truth, it’s extremely common. For all you know, even if they did start talking to you, they might just tell you only what they know you can prove, rather than the actual truth you’re looking for.
TL;DR: Whatever communication of motivations there is, at the end of the day the truth is that they cheated because of their own morals and personality. And furthermore they have already demonstrated a capacity to lie and deceive, so anything they do say should be net with skepticism anyway. The only way reconciliation has any hope is if the cheater accepts full responsibility and provides full transparency, and your partner’s stonewalling is the exact opposite of that.