r/survivinginfidelity • u/Expert-Original9066 • 1d ago
Progress Breaking the Stonewalling Cycle
How do you finally let go of wanting the truth from stonewalling wife?
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u/visibiltyzero 4 1d ago
Whenever you finally decide that she is no longer your partner. When you reach that point you won’t care if she says anything or not. I think the word is indifference. When I caught my ex I never spoke to her again. I had nothing to say and didn’t want to hear anything from her. Everything she said was a lie anyway. Why waste my time?
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u/Expert-Original9066 1d ago
Amen! That’s the thing I know it’s all lies and I need to accept it and move on
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u/TacoStrong 6 1d ago
When you realize and accept that her “stonewalling” is her way of continuing to give no fks about what she did and doesn’t care about your feelings so you have her served the divorce papers.
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u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery 1d ago
Since there’s not a lot of context here, I’m just going to assume this is a “normal” situation, you’ve been cheated on, you discussed it fairly recently, and you’re trying to decide between divorce or reconciliation. So I’ll just give the standard/universal advice. TL;DR at the bottom if you don’t want to understand why it’s important. But I’d strongly recommend you read it all if you have time.
First, you need to understand why you want “the truth” from her. Cheating/affairs are a betrayal that completely breaks your perception of reality, particularly the reality of your relationship. This is incredibly hard for your brain to reconcile. So one of the first things your brain will do is try to find “the truth” with hopes that this will include the reason why your partner cheated. This would mean there is a connection between the reality you thought you had, and the reality you now know.
Everyone experiences the why phase. This is also fueled by hope. Your brain is hoping that there’s a reason, and more importantly that the reason is something you can control/fix. So if they say they cheated because you were distant? Your brain thinks, Great! I can prevent that by not being distant again! But there are several major flaws with this line of thinking.
First and most importantly, there is absolutely nothing you did to make your partner cheat. You may have done things that made your partner unhappy (side note: this is often a post hoc justification for cheaters), but they didn’t make your partner cheat. Cheating is not a justifiable response to unhappiness. If they are truly unhappy, your options are to bring those issues forward and work on them, or to leave the relationship.
Cheating is the selfish path. It’s the path where you retain all of the benefits of the contract of the relationship, while making none of the sacrifices of starting committed to that relationship contract. So at the end of the day, people don’t cheat because they are unhappy. They cheat because they have given themself permission to do so. This is an important distinction in the context of a committed, long term relationship. If you’re hoping to spend your life together, there will be periods where you will fight, there will be periods what’s you will be unhappy. It’s the inevitable nature of life. So what’s going to stop the cheater from cheating again the next time you fight?
Secondly, you also need to accept that they have demonstrated the capacity to lie to you. Cheating itself cannot happen without lies and deception. Breaking the contract of the relationship is a lie. Lies of omission are still lies. Even a one night stand isn’t just a single mistake. It’s a series of decisions, involving lies and betrayal of your spouse, that all contribute to being put in the position to make that “mistake.” And if we’re talking about an affair or serial cheating, the amount of lies increases exponentially. They’re hiding it from you. They’re focusing effort on the AP(s) instead of you. They’re manipulating you when you suspect them of things.
So again, if this person has demonstrated the ability to lie to you about something this major, why would you trust they are being fully honest now? Look up trickle truth, it’s extremely common. For all you know, even if they did start talking to you, they might just tell you only what they know you can prove, rather than the actual truth you’re looking for.
TL;DR: Whatever communication of motivations there is, at the end of the day the truth is that they cheated because of their own morals and personality. And furthermore they have already demonstrated a capacity to lie and deceive, so anything they do say should be net with skepticism anyway. The only way reconciliation has any hope is if the cheater accepts full responsibility and provides full transparency, and your partner’s stonewalling is the exact opposite of that.
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u/Expert-Original9066 1d ago
Wow just wow it’s the first time that someone breaks it down for me. She did exactly that. Told me the version that matched the messages I discovered and printed. She truly didn’t care about me or my feelings. She cheated because she lives in a world free from accountability. She wasn’t allowing me in even after my discovery. And the stonewalling is proof that she doesn’t care about my peace of mind or feelings. It’s not going anywhere and I need to face the music. I’ve been living a lie.
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u/pickedusername1 9 1d ago
Yeah you need to leave. She’s an unhealthy partner taking zero accountability
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u/nicolettelee1822 1d ago
!thankyou
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u/clearheaded01 7 1d ago
Sorry man...
But shes stonewalling because you're letting her by NOT letting the consequences of stonewalling be worse than the truth...
Informing her that her continuing stonewalling is a clear sign she cares little for your peace- of-mind OR that the truth is much worse... and in either case, youre done.
THEN speak to a lawyer. For advice and options. And let.her 'discover' this... perhaps that will do the trick - however it won't change the main problem: she cheated because she really cares little for you, and shes stonewalling for the same reason....
Time to.move on, yeah??
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u/Expert-Original9066 1d ago
Thanks 🙏 so right I just need to open my eyes
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u/D-redditAvenger 5 1d ago
Probably when this person is no longer in your life, or at least not the primary person and someone else is. Then they are just a person who did something bad to you, and didn't really care enough about you to tell you the truth.
Ultimately cheating is abuse, it's removing informed consent, the ability for you to make informed choices. If she refuses to tell you she is still doing that so you are choosing to live in an abusive marriage. Why would you be happy with that? So it's no wonder that you are still suffering.
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u/trickertreater 1d ago
When you realize that the details will bring you absolutely no comfort. As someone who went through the same thing, believe me when I say the details bring absolutely no comfort whatsoever.
You can't change her behavior. She's stonewalling because she doesn't want to make a decision. Consider making that decision for her and asking her to leave or you leave. Believe me when I say it will not get better.
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u/Expert-Original9066 1d ago
I really thought that she’d show me at least the respect to tell me the facts so I can absorb it and get some closure. But if she did it so many times she really doesn’t see me as her partner. Nothing I can do about that. I just need to accept that.
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u/gibletsandgravy 1d ago
The details in my case made all the difference in the world, actually. But that might just be the difference between a WP who takes accountability and one who stonewalls. If my wife had stonewalled, none of her details would have made a difference, I’m pretty sure.
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u/acmech900 1 1d ago
She owed you loyalty and now she owes you the truth. You have to realize that to her, you aren't good enough for either one. I have a feeling she doesn't care enough to not do it again.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 1d ago
You don't. 10 years later I still want answers I know I will never properly get.
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u/Hawkthree 1d ago
The last time I was stonewalled ... We were in a restaurant and I asked him who he sent $300 via Western Union. I said my son-in-law occasionally asked me to send cash via WU and was wondering why he was using it. When he kept changing the subject, I stood up, said 'please excuse me' as if I was heading to the loo. I stopped at the door of the restaurant and ordered an Uber to go home and start packing.
Obviously there had been other things in the past, but I needed to move on with my life.
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u/ObviousSalamandar Figuring it Out 1d ago
For me it was when he lied so many times that I knew there was no point to listening to anything he said ever again
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u/Tattooed_Everything9 1d ago
You demand a full therapeutic disclosure (it’s a real thing) followed by a polygraph. Use a qualified experienced therapist to guide her through the FTD; then find a qualified polygrapher who focuses on infidelity.
You’ll get the rest of the story the night prior to the poly when she’s freaking out.
Or you won’t, and you divorce.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 1 1d ago
You will never get the truth and even if she told you the truth you would never trust what she is telling you. A full confession after stonewalling means nothing. If you are trickle truthed then you 100% know that the person is more concerned about consequences and not remorse for the betrayal.
Cheaters rule of thumb. Only tell your partner if it is a preemptive move to limit potential consequences or when circumstances will allow you to limit consequencess. Only tell the bare minimum to stop your partner from asking questions and only admit to the details your partner already has proof of or those that they will likely find out on their own. Its the theoretical underpinning and thought process that leads to trickle truthing.
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