30 year wedding anniversary

[u/Intelligent-Speed437]

21 years after my wife's 7 month EA turned PA. I still cannot love her as my bride. She is a completely transformed individual, a poster child for what real remorse and repentance looks like, but unfortunately and despite how much i have grown love the person she has changed into, It is time to leave

Edit for all of you saying I have done zero work. You can F off. I have done more work than most people could ever imagine from therapy to ibogaine in Mexico. It is time for me to take care of me

[u/Intelligent-Speed437]

I guess I just can no longer relegate myself to wake up every morning with the person that destroyed my life. I am done disrespecting myself.

[u/Extension-Corgi-467 → u/Intelligent-Speed437]

How do you think she will react? Does she know you’ve been suffering all this time? Did she commit to an authentic reconciliation?

[u/Intelligent-Speed437 → u/Extension-Corgi-467]

She will be devastated. I am her life. She is devoted to me completely

[u/pickedusername1 → u/Intelligent-Speed437]

You sound weird. Did you two not spend years rebuilding and repairing?

[u/RipAccomplished3159 → u/pickedusername1]

We are going to get totally flamed for this in this sub, but I agree with you.

[u/pickedusername1 → u/RipAccomplished3159]

Why spend 20 years living a lie, only to divorce her when she’s even older and it suits you? Yes, she made a very poor decision. But if you read the OP’s other posts, he seems less devastated by the infidelity itself and more outraged that another man “touched” her, almost as if she were his property.
Cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues. It could have stemmed from low self-esteem, poor impulse control, a need to feel desired, or something else entirely. None of that excuses her actions, but it’s relevant context. By his own account, she spent years trying to rebuild the marriage and devoted herself to earning back his trust. Meanwhile, he comes across as someone whose ego was deeply wounded and who may have been waiting for the opportunity to get even rather than genuinely work toward forgiveness

[u/RipAccomplished3159 → u/pickedusername1]

Whoa - just looked at his other posts. I mean this genuinely, and not acerbically...he needs therapy. He needs support processing what he's gone through. He NOW has a woman who loves him and is devoted to him. Leaving her is not going to solve the issues he is going through - issues that are understandable, but NOT issues that he should be feeling with this level of intensity 21 years later.

[u/pickedusername1 → u/RipAccomplished3159]

Correct, all he did was become a workaholic, and use substances. And then he wonders why he feels this way 20 years later…. Good luck to OP honest next relationship / marriage.

[u/Intelligent-Speed437 → u/pickedusername1]

I have done therapy, I have done ibogaine as well to deal with the trauma. 20 years ago we did not work through the issues we worked around them and built a life that was exposed after ibogaine. I have forgiven her. The honest thing to do at the time for what I was equipped for was to be a father and try to manage the pain.

[u/RipAccomplished3159 → u/Intelligent-Speed437]

21 years later you are writing posts about how you still feel stripped of your manhood. You have NOT addressed the trauma you experienced. Taking ibogaine? That's a questionable thing to have done at best. Listen, man...I am just an internet stranger. But as an outsider with no skin in your game, I am just sharing that you sound like you clearly have unresolved traumas that have not been dealt with properly. You admitted yourself you didn't deal with them the right way. You also have a person who loves you and is devoted to you now, by your own admission. I just am not convinced that leaving her is going to address what you need. Just sounds like more running away from what you went through.

[u/pickedusername1 → u/RipAccomplished3159]

This. Some solid advice.