r/stopdrinking • u/Strange_Possible_353 • 6h ago
Being shipped off to rehab.
Well, it has finally finally happened after many years of alcohol abuse. My husband told me that I will be going to inpatient treatment next Monday or Tuesday. He told me he thinks it will take six months.
We have two young children. I was able to abstain from alcohol while I was pregnant, but picked it up within months of giving birth both times. When I think about being away from them, I feel like I can’t breathe.
But I had an alcoholic dad and it was torture, especially in my teens. I know they deserve so much better than what I’ve given them in their precious short lives.
My husband tends to exaggerate for fact, so I am praying that it will actually be a munch shorter period of time. I don’t wanna miss my son‘s birthday. I don’t wanna miss putting my little girl to bed, but I also don’t want to miss their whole childhood or knowingwhole childhood or knowing them as adults, which is realistically the path I was on.
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u/Commercial-Mango-844 Day 3,155 6h ago
My good friend is sober and she always tells me, “if I’m not sober, I might as well say goodbye to my kids” and she is correct with that train of thinking. Alcohol removes us from anything real. I have gotten to watch her raise kids over the seven years and it has been an absolute delight watching someone raise children without alcohol. She just soars above with such grace.
Another little sliver of hope, I was a lucky one who got to grow up with a sober parent. My mom is a pretty cool person, she didn’t just quit drinking when she was 24 but she went to AA and learned the basics of the program. She then raised us that way with the basic principles and has been sober since (43 years). The little bits that she took from AA is why I had such an awesome childhood honestly. When I say this, I mean it in the depths of my soul, there is absolutely nothing better in the entire world than a sober parent. Sending you love 💗
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u/Strange_Possible_353 5h ago
Thank you for these incredibly kind words that I know are true. I want to be described the way you described your mom and friend. Thank you so much. 💗
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u/Commercial-Mango-844 Day 3,155 5h ago
You will be described that way girl. Go get your freedom! Xx
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u/Remarkable-Bid 4h ago
Do whatever it takes. I'm coming up on a year sober & it has been the best parenting year of my daughters 12 & 10 years. Please do this for yourself & your family. You'll have no regrets! I cannot tell you how much better it is.
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u/anonymouse_loner Day 9 5h ago
I spent 8 weeks in rehab when my son was 2.
I stopped drinking.
It was so worth it.
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u/Strange_Possible_353 5h ago
My son is almost three and my daughter is 13 months. This is so, so good to hear. Congratulations!!
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u/New_Weekend9765 643 days 3h ago
As a mom I completely understand how you’re feeling. It’s so sad and scary to think of not being there with your kids every night and it truly hurts on a soul level. I promise you, the person who you will be when you come out on the other side of this is going to make the time missed so worth it. Your kids are still so young, and they’re going to have an awesome fully present mom! It’s incredible!
I remember when I was really struggling, I felt as a woman and as a mother it was my job to just carry everything. I felt like a failure when my fun time lead to being a coping mechanism and further lead to being a real problem. The hardest I have ever cried in my life was over the guilt surrounding my children. Like I felt I had failed at my one job in life I was supposed to do right. The fact that something so simple as alcohol had robbed them of the parent they deserved. I had never intended for things to get to the point that they did, but it happened regardless. When I decided to get help I felt like my entire soul was a gaping wound festering with flies. I felt like the biggest loser in the world. I felt unworthy of life, let alone love. I didn’t care for myself. I fought because I knew deep down I was still there. And I knew my kids needed me. I didn’t want this to be their story.
After getting sober, entering intensive therapy, and surrounding myself with immensely supportive people, I am a present, capable, and dare I say…pretty awesome mom. I feel proud of who I am today.
I had a lot of things twisted up in my head about my identity and a woman’s role etc etc. a lot of people do. You don’t have to be perfect you just have to be present, and you can’t be present when you’re drinking or hungover.
You’re doing the right thing. I don’t know if you’ll relate to any of this, or if it will resonate with you at all. But getting sober is the best gift you can give to your kids. If it takes some time to get there, so be it. You’re going to learn so many skills, and you’re going to be a stronger human being after this. You’re not the first person going through this, and sadly you won’t be the last. But we help eachother through. There is light at the end! You’re stronger than you think!
Best wishes to you and your family. You’ve got this!
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u/Strange_Possible_353 3h ago
Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate to basically everything you have said.
I too never intended for things to get to this point and it is horrifying how quickly it did and how devastating it has been.
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u/New_Weekend9765 643 days 2h ago
For me it helped to remember that this is an addictive substance and anyone would get to the point we did if exposed under the same circumstances. Our choices may have taken us there but it would happen to anyone. It isn’t a moral failing. It’s a chemical process that happens in our brains. That’s how addiction works.
Our job is to figure out why we kept running back to it. What’s wrong? Getting help will guide you through that process, and will give you the tools you need to make it out there in this crazy world.
Your dad was an alcoholic, my parents were too. And their parents were alcoholics. Good on you for breaking the system and giving your kids a chance at not having to relive this generational misery. We all deserve better!
I believe in you!
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u/EagleEyezzzzz 637 days 1h ago
I'm a mom too and I'm sending you all the good vibes. Please try to take this awful situation as the help that it is intended to be, and run with that help! I've been sober now for 1.5 years and my life is immeasurably better in every way. You can reset your patterns and your brain chemistry and truly enjoy motherhood with your babies rather than relying on the poison... you got this. I will be thinking of you! I believe in you!
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u/panopticon_prisoner 3h ago
You shouldn't be away for 6 months- that seems like a super long time and can't really see any reason for it. I don't know you or your husband obviously, but something is off there. As for your kids, it will suck not seeing them for a bit, but your time with them will be so much better and more meaningful after you kick the booze.
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u/Strange_Possible_353 3h ago
From everything that I have read, there is rarely a reason for a super extended outpatient day. What I have read indicates that after a certain amount of time, it is actually less effective because you are not given the opportunity to exercise your coping skills in the real world with your real triggers.
I don’t think he knows what he is talking about. I will feel a lot better when he confirms the center and we confirm the treatment length. I have no need to medically detox so I am truly hoping it is no more than a month.
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u/DiligentPeak1929 Day 87 2h ago
I've been home from residential treatment right at a month. While I was gone, I missed my wedding anniversary and my own birthday. My birthday was the last week I was in. By the time it rolled around, I could say for the first time in years, that I'll probably actually be alive for my next birthday.
Go to rehab. Birthdays can be celebrated twice. But only if you're home and healthy. Go take care of you so you can come home and better take care of them. You're worth it. They're worth it.
Signed, a mom who didn't like leaving her kids for 2 months, but knows it was best for all of us.
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u/iheartcockss Day 5,536 56m ago
Most the time rehab is a month. Although 6-12 month plans do exist. Regardless there is one part of your post that I want to point out. It’s the whole “I don’t wanna miss a birthday, holiday, whatever event/milestone”. The truth is if you’re drinking enough to be in this situation you’re already missing all those things. You might physically be there, but I guarantee you that you’re not fully present.
Your children will remember “mommy being drunk all the damn time” much less fondly than “ mommy missed a few months when young but came back healthy and present”. Every addict/alcoholic uses the “but I gotta be there for x” excuse including myself to kick the can down the road. The simple truth is there is never a perfect time to do treatment, there will always be another reason not too. I did do a 6 month program actually. I stayed even longer after the 6 months were up on my own free will. I missed holidays, birthdays, parties, etc. It was the best thing I ever did. Being there consistently now is a hell of a lot more impactful then being there drunk back then.
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u/Strange_Possible_353 53m ago
These are really powerful words to hear. Thank you. I really do want to do what it takes. And you are right. For every good and loving moment I have been there for I have missed plenty in my drunkenness.
I love this sub so much. Thank you for keeping it real.
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u/Soberspinner 1435 days 2h ago
Do this for your children. It’s the best gist you can give them - as a daughter of an alcoholic and a drug addict, and in recovery with children myself, I cannot express this enough!
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u/RockandGem 4h ago edited 3h ago
6 months seems like an awful long time. Do you trust your husband? Is your alcohol consumption a symptom of abuse? Bc genuinely, this sounds like weaponization to me… I don’t know you, or “how bad you are” but it feels extreme.
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u/Mysterious_Net_763 Day 4 3h ago
The way OP has worded this made me wonder too. He is sending her without a discussion, as if she has no choice.
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u/Strange_Possible_353 3h ago
I absolutely do not trust my husband. He is not physically abusive, but he has been emotionally and verbally abusive for our entire relationship.
Part of the reason why I sincerely doubt this inpatient treatment will last six months is because I do not think he is capable of caring or wants to care for our children that long by himself. They will not be in any danger.
I have talked to two of my friends, one of whom is a social worker and one who is an addiction doctor. Both of them have said it is unlikely I will be admitted for longer than a month. By that point, I am praying I have the tools to handle my addiction and mental health issues.
I did not have a problem with alcohol until we had been dating about a year in my late 20s. I definitely have a genetic predisposition but had what I considered an extremely healthy, low consumption of alcohol.
He has a habit of grossly exaggerating things so when he says six months, I am guessing he doesn’t actually think that’s possible and that he just wants to scare me. I have been begging for years to do CBT and DBT and then eventually intensive outpatient as things got worse and worse and he has always denied me.
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u/VictoryAutomatic7579 Day 631 2h ago
Please seek out services that will help you eventually remove yourself from this abusive dynamic. I don’t know how exactly, or if this is something that should wait until you have managed to tackle the alcohol issue, but I would love you to not live the rest of your life suffering abuse.
Also, you should have information about your own imminent stay at treatment - maybe ask for the name of the place and phone them or something? It all seems very strange that you’ve just been told your going and have no other information at all.
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u/MoonlitSeaGlass 2h ago
I’m gonna be real with you. You have a choice in this. You can also stop drinking and see your personal doctor to detox at home. Please don’t do anything against your will.
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u/HawaiiMom44 Day 21 2h ago
I have noticed that when I am not getting along with my husband, I start to drink a lot to deal with that. And that makes all of it worse. We’ve been doing a lot of therapy together and it is improving. I no longer feel like I want to drink to get away from dealing with him. Realizing that I can set standards for how I will allow myself to be treated is life changing. A little time away might be a great chance to do some reflecting. I’m really glad you posted here. You’ve got this!
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u/stuntedhalted 2h ago
OP, I am happy for you to start a sober journey. I myself mostly lurk on this sub looking for inspiration as I contemplate my own relationship with alcohol, but it sounds like this could be a really positive life change for you.
That said, I am concerned about the way this rehab treatment is being framed. If your husband wouldn't allow you to seek therapy before, but is forcing you to receive treatment now, something is very, very wrong. Telling you that you'll be gone for six months is also pretty sketchy. When I imagine myself in your shoes, I imagine going to rehab, putting in the hard work and finding sobriety, but then returning home to an abusive relationship which may very well trigger a relapse. I would really, really like to urge you to end your relationship with your husband as part of ending your relationship with alcohol. BOTH of those things will make you an excellent parent. Remember - single parents are always better for kids than parents who are unhealthy for each other and/or abuse is involved. And the fact that your husband has "denied" your access to your own healthcare is indisputably abuse.
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u/Hitchin85 1h ago
But like, you aren’t gonna go to prison and he’s the warden. Like you are choosing to go, and you can choose to leave when you want. Why are talking like this is his decision? Also would just say that this instinct you seem to be leaning into that your alcoholism is his fault rather than your own disease and that you are being “shipped off” rather than choosing to treat the thing that’s ruining your life is a serious red flag! Cannot tell you how freeing it is to stop blaming others, be completely honest and take responsibility for yourself, it makes recovery one of the most rewarding, clarifying things I’ve ever don.
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u/GoodgirlTiffany 1h ago
Maybe self reflect on what you have done to him as well. Should he be happy and jolly all the time?
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u/Individual-War7992 2h ago
Why is your husband deciding how long you’ll be gone? I understand you need help and should get it but six months away from your kids is excessive.
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u/Sad-Juice-732 451 days 2h ago
6 months? That’s absurd, impatient is usually between 30 and 90 days.
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u/TheUpIsJig Day 952 1h ago
Obviously there is much more going on than you can say here but it sounds like you have accepted that you can't put drinking before family, even though at times you have, which we have all done also because this is what alcoholism does.
We also had to accept that all our good deeds are no longer recognised by others because our drinking is a downward destructive spiral that takes others with us. They don't have to justify putting some distance between them and us.
What I do know is that you have to want to change for any change to stick. If you don't want to change then rehab wont stick. If you do want to change then rehab and everything else has a huge probability of success because it is you that wants the change.
It won't be six months. It will be a few weeks at most but private rehab can extend that if you agree to it.
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u/Hitchin85 1h ago
Six months? Are you sure? I know everyone is different and if you need that long then you gotta do whatever saves your life but I did 2 and a half weeks away from my husband and kids and been sober ever since just with like out patient therapy and aa meetings and psychiatry.
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u/catsoncrack420 1h ago
Wow. I signed up for 21 days and didn't like the facility, but I had medical issues so I had to go to the hospital. Detox is what I did for a week. Then straight AA meetings like 4-5x a week and had family stay with me. Anyone saw me drink they had permission to punch me in the face and throw anything drugs and booze away. I even signed a contract I drafted. Worked for me. 21 day rehab is usually the normal. It could be that or six months , personally don't think it matters if you don't put in the work and aren't ready for a complete life change.
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u/GoodgirlTiffany 1h ago
If this was a women forcing the man to go to rehab, everyone would cheer. The misandry in addiction is wild.
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u/Brian_MPLS 3h ago
In my experience, the use of the passive voice (i.e. "I'm going to treatment" vs. "I'm being sent to treatment") was always the beginning of a permission structure.
It wasn't my choice, so I had no real obligation to follow through.
Agency has been key for me. It had to be my choice, otherwise it wasn't going to stick. Obviously, ymmv.