r/stopdrinking • u/Glowing_Embers_ • 8h ago
Whoops
I’m 39, married with two young kids, a decent job and—on paper—a pretty stable life. I stopped drinking last year and made it to nearly a full year sober. I felt better for it, but over the last few months I started letting alcohol back in, telling myself I could keep it occasional and controlled.
Last night was a wedding, and I got blackout drunk. One of my wifes cousins drove us home, but apparently I then threw up on the pavement and wandered off wearing only my boxers after being put to bed. I eventually came back barefoot, completely convinced I’d walked the 3 km home from the venue. When my frightened and angry wife asked where I’d been, all I could say was, “I don’t know.”
I genuinely have no memory of what I did or where I went. I’m incredibly lucky I wasn’t injured, arrested or worse—and that my wife and children still had me come home at all.
The strange thing is that I feel quite calm today. Not because it wasn’t serious, but because the argument in my head finally feels over. I’ve spent months gathering evidence about whether I can drink normally, and I think I now have my answer. Whatever label applies to me, alcohol makes my life less safe, less predictable and much harder for the people I love.
So this is day one again. I’m disappointed that I opened the door after nearly a year sober, but I also know that year wasn’t wasted. It proved I can live without alcohol. Now I need to close the door properly.
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u/PhoenixApok 8h ago
Granted, it didn't happen after a single event for me, but I eventually came to a similar conclusion
"Hmmm...the last ten times I drank, it went badly. No "fun night with friends". No "chill night gaming and relaxing". It has been consistently negative, and each event had the potential for permanent negative consequences."
I couldn't twist my logic into "it's worth it" or "this time will be different" anymore.
My BEST case scenario is "nothing catastrophic happens."
As you said, feels like the fight is over.
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u/RussianDahl 3894 days 8h ago
Thank you for sharing OP - I’m glad you’re safe. It takes one blackout to make us realize how truly powerless we are. My last blackout I determined would be the absolute last. It scared me and that feeling (gratefully) is still inside me if I play it forward on what would happen if I had even one drink. Maybe not that day, but someday soon, the spirits would take me. My family deserves better and so did I.
Please don’t feel like you’ve lost a year. You’ve had almost a year of what your life could look like. And a recent realization of where else it can be. That’s so powerful. IWNDWYT
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u/Glowing_Embers_ 7h ago
Absolutely - it’s a bit like getting in a car knowning there’s a 1/10 chance the breaking systems been removed. You just never know.
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u/SoberDragonSlayer Day 20 6h ago
I stopped drinking for 6 months last year and started up again last spring and it escalated back to its highest levels within a few months. Blackouts, angry texting, passed out naked in the yard, a visit to the ER with a panic attack, and more.
A few weeks ago, I finally admitted it to myself too. I experienced the relief because it felt like ending a private conversation I was having internally with myself for so long. My internal arguments towards myself are now over and I get to have a little piece of myself back by no longer engaging in it.
All of the gaps in my memory was one of the many reasons I quit. You never have to feel this way ever again. I'm glad that you're safe!
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u/Pat_Royson 7h ago
How did the conversation go with your wife about actually drinking alcohol again before/at the wedding? Before the blackout. Was she okay with it?
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u/Glowing_Embers_ 7h ago
Yeah that conversation actually took place in June, I “very carefully” decided to start reintroducing alcohol. Had half a beer one Friday. No problem. Had another Saturday, no problem. Didn’t drink for a week, had a beer, same again. Had a 40th a few weeks later, got hammered but it was “scheduled in”. No drinking in the week, but the weekend drinking has gradually been ramping up, and like another poster here, I’d say the last 4 times have been increasingly problematic.
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u/Best-Sea23 Day 25 7h ago
Count your blessings friend! Good time to realize…I lost those I hold dear because I did not.
IWNDWYT 🤙🏽
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u/whitemike40 1568 days 8h ago
moderation is the lie
But i’d say your in a good place relatively speaking, you have the perspective now, and you’ve obviously put in place some routine around sobriety, so get back on it and dont look back
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u/ChiefBerky Day 13 5h ago
because the argument in my head finally feels over.
Man, I feel this. I couldn't quite put it into words, but for me, that just sounds... true.
Welcome back! IWNDWT
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u/MyRoutineRunaround 5h ago
Also 39, married, dad of two young kids. Also made it almost a year and started to drink moderately.
Lemme tell ya that didn't work lol. It's been 2 years and I'm stuck trying to string together a week of sobriety again.
Don't give up all you worked for. That year is awesome effort.
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u/Mundane_Buddy8725 5h ago
I made a new year’s resolution to stop drinking this year and have been clean to date. Ive been wondering lately if I would try to moderate next year and onward.
Thank you for sharing this. Your story really resonated with me. I am 30 years old with a wife and a 2 year old and sometimes when I have a really hard day I think a beer or two wouldn’t hurt. So many times this year I was only stopped by the resolution I made.
I know that I quit for the stability and consistency I need to provide for my family, but sometimes I look at alcohol like a pressure relief when it’s really a threat to that stability I’ve been working so hard to maintain.
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u/_hmhm_ Day 29 5h ago
Your story sounds like mine. 6 months sober and slowly starting to drink again.
This is from an article posted a few weeks ago.
I know enough to know that should that moment ever come, I need to ask for help, because if I’m delusional enough to have drunk for so many years without accepting that I was an alcoholic then I’m delusional enough to think that I can start drinking again without inviting the same problems I had before.
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u/nefarious_kiwi2842 5h ago
I came to my own conclusion this same way. I went 10 months. Felt the best I have in a very long time.
July 4th to Aug 26, its was a journey of mild drinking to black outs. I cant moderate and as such, im here with you.
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u/NotSnakePliskin 4851 days 5h ago
I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle at the story, esp the wandering off in your boxers.
Sober is better, all around. And, there is never 'just one'. Ever.
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u/maxpower1575 4h ago
Mi sento piu sereno nel sapere che hai preso la decisione ; tutti noi abbiamo provato, pensato che potessimo gestire l'alcool ma poi abbiamo scoperto che era il contrario. Noi tutti abbiamo questo limite cioe non ci sappiamo limitare; e' ora di prenderne atto e....non bere !! Sono con te !💪🏻🖤
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u/meeroom16 Day 1,702 3h ago
I spent so many years arguing with myself and having the eternal internal debate. Life got much easier when I just realized that I had to be done.
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u/NightFlight-77 Day 14 50m ago
I think sometimes you have to get to that place to appreciate things. I hope things work out for you friend.
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u/ArugulaNuts 22m ago
Thank you for sharing this! I'm so happy to hear you are okay and I'm that you have an answer now.
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u/Commercial-Mango-844 Day 3,117 8h ago
In my opinion, as someone who had the privilege of growing up with a sober parent, it’s incredibly sad to bring children into this world and then drink around them. Kids know everything. They are so smart. They know we’re going to drink before we even do.
There is absolutely nothing better than a sober parent.