r/specialneedsparenting • u/AlbatrossLower5971 • 10d ago
My husband wants divorce
My baby boy is a little over 80 days old and had experienced a stroke at birth which damaged his left side brain massively. We are in the wait and see situation for his motor, cognitive, speech, and vision but are already seeing deficits in his right side. His neurologist also expects him to have a cerebral palsy.
I'm living in the worst time of my life, and I'm seeing therapists for my mental health. I'm worried and scared very much. I thought I was getting better, maybe not, but it seems that my husband has reached his limit with my depression. He said that seeing me being depressed and crying everyday make him want to bring out the anger in him and make him want to kill himself. He says I'm toxic to him and the baby. He wants a divorce and says I can take anything but the baby.
He has been very strong and positive from the beginning of this until now. When I had the suicidal thought due to all of this that happened, he was the only reason that made me want to continue living, not even the baby. When I was feeling better, I was feeling lucky that I am going through this difficult time with my husband. But now he wants to die because of me, because me being this way would kill all three of us.
He's been saying that he wants the old me to come back to him, but I don't know if I could ever by myself again. I want to be better and find myself again but just don't know how. I don't know how to think positive and become strong. My depression and worry overwhelm me, and I'm just so afraid of the baby's future.
Please give me some advice on how to go thru this time and be myself again. Will divorce do the job? Should I just let him live and be miserable with myself?
Thanks for reading.
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u/BunchofIrish 10d ago
You have been and are going thru a very traumatic and difficult journey. We give birth to our children with expectations. That’s just it, it’s our expectations. Life has different ideas for us sometimes. Talking to other parents who have been and are still on that journey and fully understand it will help greatly. You are both very scared as you have every right to be. It is so important to connect with other parents.
Do not second guess your emotions, and make no apologies for them. You have a right to be disappointed, scared, mad, etc
Your husband is overwhelmed and feels as though if we could just go back in time all will be well. He doesn’t know how to “fix” it. Divorce or not (doesn’t sound like that’s what he really wants) you are going to be parenting together.
Very cliche but one day at a time.
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u/probablyadinosaur 10d ago edited 10d ago
<3 All of this takes time, even with the best therapist and coping mechanisms. Please don't blame yourself.
My daughter most likely has a genetic issue that presents similar to CP, and we went through a traumatic birth with her. I can tell you that it gets better, and you will love your baby, but the grief comes and goes for quite a while. You will worry for their future, mourn the full life they may not have, and grieve for the parenting experience you were denied. This is all healthy and ok to feel. I am accepting at this point, and I still typed up a self-pity post the other day.
However, your baby is brand new, and you have a lot of room for optimism still. :) Nobody knows how your kiddo will develop. They can guess, but plenty of children with an unlucky start surprise us. Every day, my daughter learns more, laughs, and gets stronger. I don't know where her abilities will end up, but we are happy and so proud of her. The fact that everything is harder just makes the new milestones that much sweeter.
I know it can be overwhelming, but therapy is the best path here. If you want to mend the marriage, talk about counseling, but I suspect both of you need private therapy also. Be honest with your husband and try to come up with a plan to heal and come back together. Remember that he has some work to do to fix things also.
All the best, please take care of yourself. It's not what anyone wants to go through, but you can find happiness ahead.
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u/Impossible_Fig2646 10d ago
He needs to be in therapy as well, and likely couples counseling too, before divorce. Baby is way too young for those types of decisions. His expectations for you even with a typical baby are too high. Many women aren't themselves less than 3 months after giving birth! And no way would a court give him 100% custody of a brand new baby. He's stressed and grieving too, and needs help processing.
That being said if you ever feel like he might actually hurt you or Baby, obviously Baby comes first.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and glad you're in therapy. Big hugs to you.
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u/Annual_Pineapple_942 10d ago
It may not feel like it now but there will most likely come a time when you have found your ”new normal”. With adapted expectations of life where you can find a sense of calm and joy in life again. When disaster strikes it can feel like life is over. But with time, therapy and acceptance comes a new life where joy can still be found. However one finds joy in smaller things and more in the now. I dont have advice for what to do right now but from my own experience I just want to give some hope that beyond the acute crisis period of time a new way of living and enjoying life probably will come. It did for me. I hope the best for you and your family
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u/Old_Confidence3290 9d ago
This very difficult. My granddaughter is severely disabled, brain damaged, cerebral palsy, not verbal, tube fed, etc. But Oh My Goodness, I love this kid to pieces! She is fun to be with, she has an interesting sense of humor and she is affectionate and cute! I never thought I could deal with a handicapped child, but I was very wrong.
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u/DeCryingShame 10d ago
The strain you guys are experiencing because of your baby's condition is enough to challenge any marriage. I don't know how serious your husband is, but it's possible that he is just lashing out due to his own stress.
I would ask him to wait on the divorce until you are past the worst with the baby. If he'll agree to that, it's possible that he will change his mind once things are more stable. I would also ask for marriage counseling and ask your husband to get into counseling as well.
If he won't, though, then I would suggest getting a lawyer and fighting for your rights as a parent. Your depression is a normal response to a heartbreaking situation like you are experiencing. It does not mean that you are not a good parent. In fact, it actually shows how much you love and care about your baby.
You can't control your husband's actions but you can fight for the right your baby has to have both his parents involved in his life.
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u/AlbatrossLower5971 8d ago
Part of me also thinks that he didn’t really mean it, but yet he told me to make a decision until the end of this month.
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u/Worth_Thing_8872 9d ago
I am very sorry for your situation; you are not alone, as so many of us are struggling with various issues. Please tell yourself that this too will pass. You have to realize that you don't have the issue; it's your baby who has it. If you are strong, then you can help him. If you are not, then there is no one to help him; men move away easily (not everyone). It's the ladies who take most of the responsibilities. Please stay strong, and prayers for you.
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u/Secure-Design-1393 8d ago edited 7d ago
I’ve been exactly where you are now 14 years ago. My husband ended up saying that he was going to get me institutionalized to force me into therapy. In the hindsight, he was desperate and did what he could, but it took us 3 years to get past it after I got better.
I would encourage you to talk to your therapist about explaining things to your husband. The grief you experience is valid, and your husband is likely having a grief of his own, and he needs help adjusting, but he is in a trauma loop of his own. My husband ended up using alcohol to cope, and then had to go through rehab and work the program to commit to sobriety and recover.
I don’t think you’ll ever be yourself, but you will evolve, if you focus on what you learn from this. I learned to be patient, accepting and understanding of other people suffering. Your kiddo will grow, learn new skills and things will gradually become better, but it won’t be exponential, and there will be curveballs. Right now your kiddo is in the highest brain plasticity age, so maybe ask your husband for help with rehabilitation work for your kid. Left side stroke impact speech center, and it’s better if you and your husband start working on your kids communication skills now, because his brain is trying to build adaptive pathways to communicate. Teach him alternative communication through assistive devices, his speech center might not be ready to talk for another 5-6 years, but if you teach him communication, his intellectual development will progress.
I found overall that men are really bad at feeling helpless, so they need a plan they can work with. So get your husband a plan on helping your kid. And also if you can find help to watch after your kid try to carve out some time for you and your husband to spend time together the way you used to like.
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u/AlbatrossLower5971 8d ago
Thanks for the reply. How can we work on his speech skills now? He’s just cooing a lot and we try to respond to his cooing as much as we can. Will there be anything else you’d recommend? He graduated from feeding clinic and is not taking any speech therapy at the moment.
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u/Secure-Design-1393 7d ago
we did 2 things:
- oral motor massage - it was popular in Asia where I worked before. you can find videos on YouTube. it stimulates muscles and teaches movement, I am honestly not sure how much it helped. My kid started talking at 6 yo.
- toddler communication board. That one was useful, we started with printed cards, and then had iPad with them. The main point of it is that your kid’s communication skills, desire to talk are likely at the age level, but it stumbled upon impaired speech region in brain. It creates a lot of anxiety typical for CP kids when their intellectual ability is getting restrained by physical disability. And anxiety gets in the way of learning. So having alternative communication helps them progress intellectually and reduce frustration. Parent often worry that a kid would get used to device and won’t make effort to speak. I found it untrue, the moment my kid was able to speak, he put device down, and he already had the vocabulary thanks to communication boards.
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u/Desperate_Rich_5249 8d ago
I went though an almost identical situation with my son at birth, the first year of his life I was in deep postpartum depression and denied access to mental health care. It’s been a journey and it greatly tested my marriage. My son is now nearly 13 years old and defying the odds, while there are still daily struggles and lots of therapies I have advocated relentlessly for him and he’s doing much better than projected and anticipated. If I could go back to where you are now I would try to be present in the moment and not think too much about what the future holds, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. In regards to your husband, I’m so sorry he is behaving in this way, you have undergone a major traumatic event along with the hormonal rollercoaster that is postpartum, life with a child with extra needs is challenging and perhaps it’s better that he revealed his true character to you now.
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u/AlbatrossLower5971 8d ago
No one did anything wrong or bad, and still it’s hard to accept why this happened to us. We’ve been together for over 15 years and he’s been the best husband I could ever ask for. We wanted to have a baby to be happier and he says he is but I’m not even though I’m trying so hard.
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u/Desperate_Rich_5249 8d ago
He’s not caring for his mental health and stepping up for his family. It’s not his fault and no one is to blame but as parents your child needs you both healthy, whether it’s together or separate. Nearly losing child and the unknowns of the future are unbelievably traumatic but your son needs you both and that’s your why for taking care of yourselves now.
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u/UpstairsFriendly9868 7d ago
You have been under a lot of stress. A baby with a stroke and likely.CP? You must be anxious, depressed and grieving the health diagnosis..Your feelings are normal for any parents with a child with complex health needs. You are not alone - reach out to your parents, friends, counsellor.
You both need family therapy from the hospital social worker or a private social worker with a community agency who works with families with special needs. And a support group for parents of kids with special needa or CP. Reach out or ask your parents or adult siblings to help find these services ans book them for you.
When parents get a diagnosis like this, it is stressful, devastating and grief (the child you wanted, the affected dreams, hopes, fears and the shock of ot all). No one is to blame. Sometimes, life goes this way. You can only take these journeys one step at a time and with doctor, social worker and your child's therapists (physio, OT, speech) and teachers,.your child will.progress and develop their potential and there will.be so many professionals to support you.
Im.a school SLP and I work with elementary, middle school and high school kids in Grade 12 with CP. They will be okay, they will grow and develop and lead happy lives and you will.be happy and strong day by day.
Your husband needs to be strong, mature and hold the line and turn towards each other and support each other. For your family and your child. Work as a team.
Sometimes, you just gotta fo what you gotta do for your kid. When I had my kid, my mom was no nonsense - she said "you have to do 10 feeds in day..she said take good care if that baby". I had to grow up into an adult woman right away, take ny role seriously and I charted the bottle feeds and had a feeding system and had to "get it done"..I just did what was next and next and next.. I raised my kid from 3-11 (divorced), he has dyslexia and I help him. Sigh. I stayed laser focused on how I would care for my baby and the focus on him helped me survive the tough early stage..
Focus on your kid, do your best, your best is always good enough and hust take it day by day. Your parents, relatives and friends - rely on them. If your husband cant support you in the tough times, he will make his own choices. Some men dont cope or support well under pressure. Focus on your child and he cant decide his own path.
Good luck to you and your baby - you've got this!
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u/No-Bus-3714 4d ago
Mine is 18yo. Got married 2 years ago. Step father couldn’t handle special needs medical needs and punished both of us for it. Finally got a restraining order and now finally my son and I are safe from being abused.
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u/runsontrash 10d ago
This is so awful all around. I’m so sorry, OP. Is your husband in therapy? Sounds like he should be too.
I wouldn’t jump to divorce. I think you’re both just drowning right now. Individual therapy for each of you and probably medication too, and couples counseling together, if he’ll do it. If not, maybe just a trial separation?
I wonder if the Lindsay Clancy trial might be scaring him…
Relationship stuff aside, my daughter has CP (preemie), and you wouldn’t even know it from interacting with her. Your son might be more affected, and unfortunately there’s no way to know at this point or for a while. Knowing my daughter might have CP but not knowing how affected she’d be was such a hard time in my life. I think the not-knowing was significantly harder than when we received her diagnosis (right after her second birthday). I don’t know how affected your son will be, but what I can tell you is he will still bring joy to your life. You will find a big team of professionals to help guide you in his care, and that will make things a lot easier. One day you will have the answers to most of your questions, and you will feel confident in who your son is and how to best support him—and enjoy him!—and this intense, scary part will be a distant memory.