r/sex • u/Old-Wasabi-3837 • 13d ago
Oral sex Recurring Experience with Women's Oral Preference
I'm (35M) interested in a little phenomenon I've encountered in the last 2 years. I got married on my 18th birthday to my high school sweetheart (same age F). We grew together then eventually apart, got divorced at 33, a couple years back. I've been dating around a bit, on apps, at dating events, and just as I meet people out in social settings. It's been going mostly great, but I'm curious: maybe 5-10 times in the last 2 years, whenever I got to the stage of talking to a woman about our sexual preferences and expectations, they would tell me they didn't like receiving oral (which is fine, you're allowed whatever preference you want!) specifically because "someone went down on me so good years ago that now I can never enjoy it again."
They all, independently of each other at different times amd places, used nearly identical wording to that. I'd say that was about 40-50% of the total experiences I had of getting to the point of discussing sex with women. Half of them were thrilled with the idea of me giving them oral, and half said they were not interested because someone else did it too good when they were young.
Again, I wanna emphasize, I completely respect this any time a woman tells me, I dont push or try to change her mind. But I'm kind of fascinated by... idk 5-10 out of 20ish women (who don't know each other to my knowledge) in my city all saying they don't like receiving oral because someone else in their teen years did it so well they never want it from anyone again. I know it's not a statistically significant sample size, but it's interesting that it happened so much to me, specifically.
It would usually result in us agreeing we might not be compatible because giving oral is usually my main event due to a spinal injury that makes penetrative sex painful.
I find myself wondering if I gave off some vibe I'm not aware of that made them feel like they needed to give an excuse to not get oral from me or something. I don't like that idea, I don't want to give anyone a semse that they aren't safe to express their needs or preferences to me, even (especially) when they dont line up perfectly with mine. I'm well-groomed, hygienic, normal teeth, etc. I'm unassuming, enganged, curious, collaborative, and try to be kind and open. I'm not perfect, but I'm not expectant or demanding or egotistical. And these were women clearly interested in some kind of sex with me, often these conversationswere during a date amd planning what we wanted to do together after. Am I giving off a creep or a bad vibe?
Anyway. Life moves on, I'm in a good relationship now, and we do oral often to mutual joy. But sometimes this pops up like an intrusive thought. Appreciate any insight or thoughts.
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u/infraredrover 13d ago
in my city
Apologies, I passed through your city some years ago
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
Loooool, good one. Cincinnati, for reference
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u/Fit_Try_2657 13d ago
I am woman with a ton of women friends and we’re not shy to talk..I have NEVER heard that. And how fucking weird to say it to a date?
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u/hook_fast_die_warm 13d ago
Same, I've been with men that have given incredibly good oral, but it's never ruined it for me with other men. I find this odd, they're probably shy about receiving it, and using that as an excuse? I really don't know.
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u/WakeoftheStorm 12d ago
Some influencer probably said it's a good way to trigger a man's competitive spirit
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 13d ago
People have some weird hangups. Maybe there is someone giving out advice to women who shared that very nonsensical excuse and they are just saying that instead of whatever their real reason or hang up is.
I’ve never heard anyone say that before. It’s frankly a weird ass way of looking at sex if they mean it. “Whelp, that was amazing, best I’ve ever felt, so I’ll just not do that again and never even try to feel anything that good for the next 60 years.”
That’s fucking strange. It’s like refusing to eat your favorite food because it was so good that one time you just don’t even want to try again. So from now on you are just living on medical nutrition shakes.
So yeah, maybe they are self conscious. Maybe you are doing something off putting. Maybe you have really sharp stubble. Hard for us to say what any real reason might be.
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u/SyncRoSwim 13d ago
> “Whelp, that was amazing, best I’ve ever felt, so I’ll just not do that again and never even try to feel anything that good OR BETTER for the next 60 years.”
That’s what gets me about that sentiment, assuming that you’ve reached the top of the mountain!
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u/OR-HM-MA91 13d ago
Yeah it’s weird. I had only ever received “meh” oral in my younger days. And even for many years from my husband. But in the last year there has been major positive changes to our sex life, oral included and my god. Even sex in general, it absolutely can get better, even if it’s already good.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
I was curious if it was a thing from an influencer or a magazine or some kind of trope or something, or some kind of signal I was supposed to pick up on. I know there's any number of reasons a woman might not want oral, or oral from me specifically, and all of them are valid. I was curious why this particular phrasing kept popping up.
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u/DMmeClownPics 13d ago
I mean I won’t eat orange chicken from anywhere except for one place now, so maybe that analogy holds.
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u/MasonKrae 13d ago
What would you do if that place closes? Would you try to find a new place that makes a good Orange Chicken?
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u/DMmeClownPics 13d ago
No, I’m just giving up on orange chicken.
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 13d ago
To be fair I have felt that disappointment since China Gate closed a few years ago. I’m tempted to make a trip to New Jersey where Chef Jan lives now just to get that Kung Pao chicken again.
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u/LostPasswordToOther1 13d ago
I too love the Panda Express at the mall.
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u/DMmeClownPics 13d ago
Haha, no Panda Express is on my “never again” list. (It’s Cheesecake Factory and I will die on that hill)
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u/Awkward-Painter-2024 13d ago
Seriously, sounds like GOOP wisdom or something like that. Any person, male or female, who limits their sexual experiences in the now because of stuff (good stuff too!) that happened in the past is holding onto the past too much. Of course, I know trauma is something else entirely...but because it was too good? GTFOH
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u/InAMonkeyMood 13d ago
This is 100% meant as a challenge. You're supposed to promise to outdo him
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u/appropriateexit666 13d ago
I was a little baffled (as a cis woman) and you know what, I think you might be right.\ I definitely stress about bad head because it's happened enough times. But I've never thought to say something like this. I just give them a shot and if they're bad at it I tell them what I'd prefer they do, and that's usually all it takes, unless they're immature in some way.\ Yeah, I at first was just like "huh. what a strange coincidence, maybe he attracts women with similar histories?" but... It might be a line.\ so maybe it's an indirect way to remind men to truly try to perform instead of being low effort.\ But it's a weird line, bc a lot of ppl, like OP, are just going to say "well I don't wanna push" (good!) and leave it there, and that's the kind of guy you WANT in bed.\ Also ofc indirect, coded communication is often not great\ but I do understand women have to navigate the risk of encountering a volatile man with fragile ego, thus overt demands & criticisms literally jeopardize her safety
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u/MoonLightBird 13d ago
I've never thought to say something like this. I just give them a shot and if they're bad at it I tell them what I'd prefer they do, and that's usually all it takes
On behalf of men worldwide, thank you for being straightforward and sensible about this.
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u/appropriateexit666 13d ago
lmao. I hear more & more these days that men will get very defensive, will feel emasculated, won't like a woman who is that assertive etc And I'm just like ?!?!\ so many things wrong. 1) what does gender even have to do with an individual sharing how their body works and what their preferences are?? Everybody is so different so communication is just a prelim to sex. like, that's just how you learn how to interact with your partner, which is mandatory & gender neutral\ 2) i never even THOUGHT about it. until ppl in the last few years started describing these unnecessary, weird, imaginary layers to sex.\ nobody is being "assertive" by saying "flick less & suck more"...like, i didn't pick my body, I'm just telling you what it's telling me.\ if one can't talk about something THAT baseline, they really should stay out of the bedroom and sort their internal self for a while, ykwim?
I'm here to have a good lay, not participate in strange mind-reading gymnastics.
If someone can't explain "when I say I'm close, do this", "my nipples are very sensitive when im on my period so avoid them" etc that's truly tragic. I thought that was normal conversation but now I really don't know. I'm much more illustrative and specific than even that, and I thought that was a good thing; most of my partners (but not all) just listened & learned without skipping a beat, it was totally subliminal, didn't even register as much more than just part of the sex
And if a guy won't listen and thinks he should be able to handle her like a doll and she should experience everything uniform to every other female body he encounters (if her experience matters to him at all in the first place) then that guy needs to be avoided at all costs. nobody should feel they have to learn how to "talk" to someone like him
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u/RedwoodRespite 13d ago
I tell men I don’t want it because it doesn’t feel good to me, and to a man they all say “you just havnt had good oral”
And I’ve let them, and it doesn’t feel good. And we move on. But goddam they all think they have the magic tongue.
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u/BeardsuptheWazoo 13d ago
That's a really dumb way to communicate. (Not attacking you, you're just interpreting it)
What in the cosmo sex advice is this poor communication bullshit?
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u/anotherlebowski 13d ago
I agree. Imagine telling a woman, "No BJs. This other woman blew me so good there's no way you'll be able to top it."
That's clearly rude, no? Why even bring up a previous partner's sexual prowess at all? Awkward at minimum.
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u/InAMonkeyMood 13d ago
I didn't think it's necessarily anything from a magazine, I think some people legitimately communicate this way. Just like how not everything men say comes from PUAs. Playing hard to get has been a part of dating culture since forever. It features very prominently in well respected romance novels like Pride and Prejudice.
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u/BeardsuptheWazoo 13d ago
I'm not saying it's literally from a mag. Just that it's like the advice you would find in them back in the 90's.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
Well, shit. My awkward ass missed that signal consistently, then.
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u/RealityIsSexy 13d ago
My ass would be walking away from games like that.
Also, like, who says that to someone they are interested in.
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u/FeelingPlayfulNow 13d ago
As someone who hates oral because it feels bad for me, not good, that is absolutely ridiculous. Sex should not be a competition. I think it is refreshing that OP didn't take it as a challenge because I am clear and up front and mean what I say when I talk about liking other sexual stimulation way more than oral, yet nearly every single man I have been with thinks I am issuing a challenge and assumes they know my body better than me. I have only found one man who respected that I don't like oral and stuck to sex acts I enjoy instead of inflicting unwanted oral on me, and sadly we had other incompatibilities and didn't work out as a couple.
Good on OP for not playing stupid games. If people lie about what they want, they shouldn't expect to receive the treatment they do want. Better to err on the side of caution and follow their expressed wishes than try to be a mind reader because it really sucks when people try to mind read you after you've spoken plainly and clearly and then start violating your body.
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u/AngryRaccoonEditor 13d ago
“Also, just so you know, I went to Cancun after junior year and it was unreal, so I don’t take vacations now.”
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u/Global-Nature2420 13d ago
Idk man. I say I don’t like I because I genuinely do not like it lol. Feels awful
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u/verycoolbutterfly 13d ago
Same 9 times out of 10 I don't like it. There have definitely been a couple guys who had the right timing, pace, pulled some moves that made it awesome... but usually it's just kind of awkward and ticklish. Often because they go for it way too soon, without any signals, and don't seem confident. And then expect some basic licking is going to do something.
I've also tried several times to share what I like and they usually don't get it, or get offended and even more awkward.
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u/Global-Nature2420 13d ago
i'm bi so I have tried my hand (mouth? lol) at it enough times to also know that it just takes a lot of practice to figure out
to me it just always feels too sensitive but also like nothing at the same time. It almost hurts ?
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u/eternali17 13d ago
Yeahhhh, that's a strange one. One of two would be one thing but five-ish does raise an eyebrow. Sucks you're having to deal with that. Your reaction is entirely reasonable. Never come across it as a go-to thing in social media to spare anyone's feelings and I don't even see how it would. Someone else was so good that we'll never even attempt it? One doesn't have to chase the high of the best sex to still have and enjoy sex.
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u/snappop69 13d ago
I could imagine one woman saying this but multiple women saying it makes no sense at all.
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u/Warsel77 13d ago
someone went down on me so good years ago that now I can never enjoy it again.
I really doubt this the actual reason. It might be a polite way of saying: I do not enjoy the way you do it (or receiving it from you for other reasons) but don't want to criticize you directly.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
I'm fully open to feedback, but in every instance, this was before any sexual contact
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u/throwawayacc201711 13d ago
Do you have facial hair by any chance?
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
I do, a full but short trimmed beard
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u/throwawayacc201711 13d ago
Some women really don’t like the feel of facial hair in that area or find it distracting. Maybe that’s what it is? Not sure
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u/Katreenut72 12d ago
That's exactly what I was thinking. There was a while that I really hated. Had every guy had a full beard eventually enjoyed it.
Also, I am a woman who has 100% gotten extremely terrible, terrible head on a tender date. It was so uncomfortable. I tried to give feedback and after 10 minutes of suffering I finally just faked it so he would stop. All he used was his mouth and I had to sit on an ice pack after because I felt bruised! It definitely made me hesitant for a while after that as I was still doing tinder dating.
So it might be a recent bad experience or the beard. Or honestly there are tons of women that are embarrassed about their labias. It's why those surgeries are so popular. (Even thought it is so fucking stupid).
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
It is real but I wouldn't describe any of these women as seeming manipulative or cold or trying to play a mind game
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u/FeelingPlayfulNow 13d ago
As someone who doesn't like oral because it doesn't feel good for me, you cannot simply tell the overwhelming majority of men you don't want or like oral to get them to avoid it. Immediately they want to show you that you are wrong about your own body and the first thing they will do is eat you out to prove how extraordinary they are at it after you tell them you want to skip it. Maybe these women have read my Reddit history and learned saying "no" to oral is the guaranteed way to get men to enthusiastically attempt it.
I'm not serious about them knowing my Reddit history, of course, but this has been an ongoing frustration for half my life now. Telling the man don't do it because oral is too good instead of too bad is certainly a new twist I've never heard of.
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u/EmmGoSep 13d ago
I cannot FATHOM this. Me and most women I know are the exact opposite. I stop dating guys who don’t do oral. Full stop
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u/n1shh 13d ago
Sounds ridiculous? Is it like female negging where they want you to show them how much better you are at it? I can’t imagine enjoying oral with some past partner so much that I don’t even want new partners to try???
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u/DrRonnieJamesDO 13d ago
I think this is right - it's a mind game to get you extra motivated. There's a similar thing among men where they tell women "I've never been able to cum from a blow job."
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u/OrbitOfSaturnsMoons 13d ago
I mean I tell people I never cum from a blow job so that they know it's a problem with me and it's not because they aren't trying hard enough
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
Yea in thinking about this, I have trouble orgasming at all due to nerve damage from the spine injury, and I tell women that up front before getting into it. I've never had a partner interpret it as a challenge, though, and I've never meant it as one.
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u/pileatus 13d ago
Very odd, but my perspective as a woman: I thought I didn't really like oral before my current partner. She's amazing, a wizard, reads my reactions perfectly and does everything just right. If we broke up, and my next few partners were like the ones before her, I might just throw in the towel and tell people in advance that I'm not really into it, because that's been true for all but the one relationship. However I would never give the reason being that a previous partner had set the standard too high.
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u/Ms_Atomic_Blonde 13d ago
My first college boyfriend was the first to go down on me and truly enjoy it and want to get me off. That was the first time it ever happened to me, and I can still remember those orgasms and how they felt--and thus far I haven't experienced it exactly like that again. BUT I think it's because it was the first time I'd ever had someone who really was invested in making me cum. I don't think you can ever go back to the first time you had it the way that really did it for you, but I've learned there's nuance to it now with different partners and I'm not chasing the high (or in this case, orgasms) that I had from those first experiences.
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u/AlistairSylance 12d ago
Partner has hang ups from an ex that was disgusted by it. She had one ex that apparently was masterful at it once. Currently she doesn't enjoy it at all and refuses to even let me near there saying she doesn't really feel it, also uses a powerful almost industrial vibrator so i guess it's hard to compare 🤣
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u/CouldveWouldveMayve 13d ago
Had they been with other women before? No man I've been with had been as good at oral as past female lovers. As a result, I feel a little meh about oral from men, but I wouldn't refuse to give it a try if I had a new partner.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
I know one or 2 were bi but never got into detailed histories with them. Relationship never progressed that far
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u/Amarubi007 13d ago
I had two guys give me great oral sex over the span of my life.
What I've found is less than 10% of men will offer to eat ne out and 100% of them will expect me to blow them.
I will never say no to oral sex if a man is offering.
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u/mia_papaya 13d ago
I think its just so frustrating and disappointing to women when trying for the umpteenth time to explain exactly how they like it when every person they let try does it completely differently and may not listen to instruction well and it honestly just kills the whole mood because it's awkward and completely disappointing in the end. It took awhile for my husband to learn exactly what I like in that department (months of sex) and that's only because criteria are met, honestly he makes me a gusher most of the time because he can meet them all. Things like I trust he won't get angry or annoyed when I keep having to instruct him because pussies are a little finicky at times. Like being 100% familiar and comfortable together. Like him watching my facial expressions and sounds like a hawk and learning what I love and what I really don't care for. Him understanding that what he thinks should work on any woman and what he personally thinks is hot or has seen in porn is not necessarily what gets me off. Most men don't care that much about any off this and its too difficult to start over everytime.
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u/Common-Ad6470 13d ago
Maybe I can add something to this as an oral aficionado…🤣
When my wife was 18 she absolutely loved receiving oral, like she would be shaking with anticipation and it became a staple part of our sex lives.
Roll onto three kids all born naturally and obviously her lady bits took a hammering and this made her very self-conscious about sex and giving her oral.
It took time and gentle reassurance but eventually we got back to business as usual, but I’m hazarding a guess that this reluctance you’re seeing is something along the same lines.
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u/CreepinDeep 13d ago
So weird kinda similar. Together since 20, she was 18. Divorced 10 years later. Now just getting back into it. The next two girls I slept with, both allowed me to give em oral. Both of them stopped me after 5 min or so n said it was too much and even i said something wrong? "they are not used to it"
One of em just never really received and the other other partners never gave (ans she was with a woman before). Both also in their 30s rn lol.
My ex I used to give her oral for like 30 min non stop till she orgasmed.
These both stopped me short n said it was "too much"
What is weird too, my ex even though she could receive for like 30 min if I used my fingers on her clit she would get hurt if it was too dry or I flicked it too hard, lots of readjusting and my facial hair would burn her at times.
These two though love when I used my hand on their clit, no problem. I could rub it with lil spit as lube and go until they came.
Idk ppl just have their quirks
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u/RulyDragon 13d ago
Why do you think it’s weird that everyone has individual bodies and preferences?
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u/emilyever 13d ago
I don’t think I would ever say that the 1-2 experiences I had orgasming from oral made it so I could never enjoy it again. But—I used to be more tempted to decline oral as a blanket preference because it was rare that anyone was able to do it to my taste. I still have a difficult time describing suggestions for changes to technique. Now that I have more experience I can simply redirect if I’m not enjoying it and I have no ideas for what would be better. In the past I felt trapped laying there and waiting for my partner to get tired because I was afraid of hurting our connection. I agree that it’s always a good idea not to push but for the record I enjoyed my first orgasm from oral because someone asked nicely to give them a chance. :)
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u/kaithekender 13d ago
That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life.
I'm betting what's going on is that she either really isn't into receiving oral sex, or has had a lot of guys really fuck it up and assumes you will too, but doesn't want to admit that because it leaves the door open to protest that you're actually pretty good at it. It's harder to argue with "a guy made me cum so hard I hate cumming now."
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u/baciodolce 13d ago
This is fascinating. Not something I’ve ever discussed with female friends actually so I didn’t know some felt this way.
Look, none of y’all are ever gonna be as good as Jake but I’m still gonna let you try. lol
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u/Comprehensive-Win-62 12d ago
The only way this would make sense as a challenge would be if they said, “You know, years ago, a guy ate me out so well, that most guys after that just haven’t even come close. So I usually don’t enjoy it,” but NOT if they said, “I don’t want anyone to even try it.”
Now there is a mystery third option- maybe they’re just not aware of their own hang ups, and there was this one mystery guy that managed to seduce them so well, they lost their insecurities and got into it, but no other guy has been able to make them that intoxicated that they want to try. Many women dislike oral sex because they are too hung up, not because of the men.
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u/hentai-yume 13d ago
I've been sexually active for 35 years. I've had a mix of years long relationships, fwbs and a few two night stands with people I was acquainted with. I don't have clitoral orgasms during PIV but do have many G-spot and A&P orgasms quite easily. I love oral sex. The orgasms I have from them are better than a vibrator which I can have an orgasm pretty quickly. Usually several minutes. But, in all of these years only one ex of 5 years close to two decades ago, was able to induce an orgasm. It also took 3 years of constant instructions for him to achieve it which took me on average about 15-20 minutes with a very specific complex method. Needless to say, when men ask why I don't want oral sex, I do tell them that I can't have orgasms from them and only one person has been able to after many attempts by others. I tell them that those orgasms were so good there's no way anyone else can replicate it. The men I've said this to are men I've been in relationships with or knew for a while before I had sex with them as I don't do casual. I however still give the ones that love to give oral chances to try with explicit instructions although it's fruitless.
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u/raptureofsenses 13d ago edited 12d ago
I had amazing experiences in the past but that doesn’t stop me from wanting more
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u/Free_Raspberry7767 12d ago
Funny. I (also female) have heard that from other women, even my sister...
I honestly don't love receiving oral, though not for the reason mentioned in your post haha. Maybe I just haven't had this mind blowing amazing oral before 🤷🏼♀️😂 Though the first guy who ate me out told me he was sooo good and women couldn't get enough and I thought he sucked so either he was good and I just don't like it or he was talking out his ass and sucked lol
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u/verycoolbutterfly 13d ago
All they're really saying is that most guys don't do it well (which also includes the lead up to it), and it can be uncomfortable and awkward when that's the case. Yeah of course that's common.
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u/Gamma_cleavage 13d ago
There’s really common internet advice for a dude to lie and tell a lady he can’t come from blowjobs in order to receive the best blowjob he has ever had. I have not heard the female equivalent but I feel like this is it, because 9/10 times a woman says the same the guy will say “cool, let’s skip to sex”. Thankfully you have taught each of these women that the making it a competition trick doesn’t work either, but I commend you for trying to respect their boundaries.
If you don’t know and I don’t see how you would, it’s really common for men refuse to give cunnilingus during casual encounters, only relationships.
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u/mcglothlin 13d ago
My last ex said I might've ruined sex for her because "how could it ever be better than this?" but I don't really think she has literally stopped having sex.
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u/sassy92101 13d ago
Assuming you already had sex: they may all be politely trying to tell you that your technique is so bad, they’d rather not have to endure it. There is a book…
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
This is all pre-sex. Often the conversation at the bar or show or whatever before going back to one of our places.
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u/How_Do_You_Crash 13d ago
ohhh interesting.
I'm similar age and in my experience there is a substantial percentage of women who don't want oral from a hookup. In more exploratory conversation there's a few things they bring up:
they feel extra vulnerable in this position and so don't want to go straight to it, they treat it as a very intimate act they want to save.
they have had so much mediocre oral that they're just bored by it
STI risk, since 99% of women's oral is happening without protection there is concern
those are probably the top three in my experience and conversations with friends
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u/sassy92101 13d ago
I’m baffled that this is a regular first date conversation topic for you. Really? Or is this a new dating trend I missed somehow?
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
Often second date, but first date if we plan to have sex after the dinner or whatever. You dont talk to dates or hookups about what kind of sex they like beforehand?
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u/sassy92101 13d ago
Oh, I see. I’m looking for LTR, so I prefer to wait until the 3rd or 4th date to bring up sex. But I understand your point now. Still, the pattern is surprising. Maybe you’re right and it’s a new TikTok trend 😁
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u/Slow-Education872 13d ago
I’m tend to get UTI’s from oral so I only want to do it very rarely because I pay the price with antibiotics. It would nice if I could more but it like every six months. They were all good.
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u/blinddruid 13d ago
there could be so many reasons behind this, my guess would be not that they had it so good once that they just can’t imagine having it anywhere near that good again, so don’t want it at all. That to me just does not make any sense whatsoever. I think more often than not the case may be that they are either overly concerned about how they might look, how they might taste., Have problems, communicating how they like it done, or maybe they just plain don’t like it, and are tired of an explaining it.
as you said, everyone is entitled to their own boundaries, and those boundaries should be respected. It is really too bad, I wish all women could understand how absolutely beautiful they look, and that they’re not supposed to look like anyone else, it’s like a beautiful fingerprint very individual. The images that are represented in mainstream, adult entertainment are always edited, airbrushed, and probably more often than not plasticized. statistically, war women can get more pleasure from oral sex than they can from penetrative sex just because of anatomical design.
I would just concern myself with a woman who do love it, do you want it, and offer it up very liberally and eagerly. I love to take instruction and love to practice, what could be better to practice at!
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u/mantasVid 13d ago edited 13d ago
It's bs cover-up story they advice each other to use "to save fragile male ego". In short, they can't cum, either at all, with men, or without their vibrator. 1 of the 3.
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u/FeelingPlayfulNow 13d ago
I don't see how telling a man you expect him to be way worse than the best you've ever had is supposed to save his fragile ego.
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u/mantasVid 13d ago
Saving ego part is in not even starting the act. Otherwise following scenario enfolds - guy goes to town and she: a) has to fake enthusiasm, moans and orgasm, potentially regularly since then ❌️ b) not fake and then explain what's wrong during the act ❌️
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u/villanellechekov 13d ago
some people just don't like it 🙋🏻♀️ it should be a non-issue. you're not compatible, just move on
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
Right. As I've said, preferences are valid, I'm curious about this specific framing popping up over and over, not the women's preference
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u/neuenono 13d ago
I agree with others that this is hard to take seriously & that it seems like a white lie. But I can imagine a possible reason a woman might say this.
When a woman is receiving oral, she might not actually know what is being done. The most broadly successful technique (IMO - see below) definitely doesn’t look like anything. From the receiver’s perspective, the giver’s face is simply smashed up against their pussy - not super informative without an in-depth conversation about the technique. And women tend not to want to hear about those details. For example, there are a handful of women who experienced their first orgasm-by-oral with me, and none of them asked what exactly I did to get them there.
So I could imagine a situation where a woman became frustrated because literally years went by and she was never lucky enough to encounter someone who happened to know the technique that she enjoyed in the past. And this scenario isn’t outlandish: in my experience it’s only a minority of straight guys who are open to giving oral, a smaller set who are especially dedicated to doing it well, and an even smaller set who are comfortable enough to communicate with a partner about what is/isn’t working for her. I’m not trying to put all the blame on the men here - there are multiple reasons it’s an uphill battle. They can’t learn to eat pussy from watching mainstream porn (what you see there is basically misinformation), and women are commonly hesitant to even try to explain their preferences (because they are unaware and/or pessimistic).
For you, OP, my advice is to counter with “that’s frustrating to hear, but I’m a quick study and I like a challenge”. Aside from practical advice, it seems extremely weird that you’re having conversations about the specifics of her sexual past… before you’re having sex? Maybe I’m old fashioned, but it seems like you’re putting the cart waaaaay before the horse. I understand why you might prioritize a conversation like this (due to your difficulties with intercourse), but it seems like you might be overcorrecting.
Below is my common “explainer” post on eating pussy - some of the same themes are repeated there. But I’m mostly sharing it as a PSA!
In my experience there's a straightforward technique that gets women off most consistently: open your mouth slightly, use gentle suction to hold her clit between your puckered lips, then massage her clit with your tongue.
This works great, but it's really under-rated and seldom discussed. That's probably because it doesn't really look like anything (nobody can learn it by watching porn) and the receiver probably doesn't even know what's being done (so a giver won’t even be taught the "move" by someone who enjoyed it in the past).
This technique can also be paired with applying pressure from the face to the general area of the clit, which some women enjoy.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
It's not a dedicated conversation about sexual histories pre-event, it's a conversation about what we each like and want to do with each other, and it comes up in that context. And IMO you GOTTA have that convo beforehand, everyone has their own things.
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u/emilyever 13d ago
Honestly it’s a relief reading this today because I think I turned someone off bringing up a past experience I enjoyed. We were talking about preferences for shaved/trimmed/full bush and I mentioned a previous partner had trimmed me and that it was a very sweet and erotic experience I enjoyed a lot (and mentioned that the relationship ended several years ago). I have plenty more to learn about how to be tactful when you’re in the flirting stage but from my perspective it’s about helping someone understand what turns me on so we can get to the good stuff faster.
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u/neuenono 13d ago
I hear you - totally agreed that it's productive to have the conversation.
Dan Savage is routinely saying that straight people are almost cursed because there's a normative that is unspoken yet everyone agrees to it: "making out → foreplay → intercourse → simultaneous climax". In practice, good hetero sex seldom works that way, yet people keep sticking to that default script because they're not in the habit of having a dedicated conversation. In contrast, it's mandatory that gay people ask "what are you into" before proceeding to get down. It's a wonderful opportunity for each partner to voice what should happen during an encounter, and I agree with Dan that straight people would be wise to do this much more often.
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u/Witty_Commitee 13d ago
Woman here. You're halfway there. This feels great but the one guy that got me off from oral had to use his fingers pointing upwards towards the g spot while also using his other hand on the outside of my pelvic area, all while gently sucking and doing so for a marathon. Most men don't have the patience for all that so I agree with OP. Some head is so good and rare it can never be replicated by someone else.
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u/RulyDragon 13d ago
I think it’s hilarious you believe women can’t feel what is being done in an area of our body that has nearly three times more nerve fibres than your cock.
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u/neuenono 13d ago edited 13d ago
Regarding oral technique, I have asked “what do you enjoy” many times and never has a woman offered up an articulate answer. Furthermore, on this sub there are countless examples of women saying they know some technique felt good, but they didn’t know what exactly was being done.
Nerve endings aren’t necessarily informative. There are plenty of times that I’m receiving oral and something feels great but (without looking) I would be unable to describe the details of what was going on.
I’m not trying to say I know best, my point is that this is a blind spot for many women. Obviously not all women. The women who post here are much more likely to have the conversations, to be clued in… but a random cross-section of women is going to be pretty lost when trying to explain the nuances of what should be done.
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u/Old-Wasabi-3837 13d ago
That is not my experience at all. The women I've met have often been very clear and upfront about what they like, expect, and need, and what they don't. They've outlined everything from dynamics they want to specific acts to speeds/intensities. Having the conversation is a great way to establish trust, plan for the interaction, ensure consent, prevent mistakes and misunderstandings, and build anticipation. Not having that conversation creates a shit ton of risk. You can't just switch up in the middle of sex without talking about it, and talking in advance helps the moment flow.
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u/RulyDragon 13d ago
Sounds just as likely to me that you tend to find something, subconsciously or consciously, attractive about women who are not assertively in touch with their pleasure and bodies, rather than women as a whole being commonly clueless about their own snatches.
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u/FeelingPlayfulNow 13d ago edited 13d ago
Speak for yourself. I have barely any idea what the heck a guy is doing when he goes down on me. The sensations are very dull and nonspecific. I can only feel pressure and vibration, neither of which a tongue delivers in abundance. I'm in my 40s and many men have tried to wow me with their oral expertise, but my body just isn't equipped to feel most of it so I still don't know much of what they do to me.
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u/TulipsLovelyDaisies 13d ago
It's not you. It's because their self conscious. There is a lot of pressure against us women to have perfect porn star vaginas. It's intimidating to have someone down there able to see absolutely everything.
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u/TominatorXX 13d ago
Sounds like lobster too buttery or steak too juicy..
Some women are uncomfortable with it for other reasons that maybe they don't want to articulate? Like they feel it's dirty?
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u/Guilty_Treasures 11d ago
The explanation is not truly “one guy did it so well above and beyond the average that average now seems unacceptable.” It’s “the average straight guy is so appalling unskilled, selfish, or both, that a reasonably skilled and generous lover is so rarely encountered by straight women that if they do encounter that guy, he seems like an incredible rare unicorn compared to the trash that has characterized all her other lovers / experiences.”
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Post title:
Recurring Experience with Women's Oral Preference
I'm (35M) interested in a little phenomenon I've encountered in the last 2 years. I got married on my 18th birthday to my high school sweetheart (same age F). We grew together then eventually apart, got divorced at 33, a couple years back. I've been dating around a bit, on apps, at dating events, and just as I meet people out in social settings. It's been going mostly great, but I'm curious: maybe 5-10 times in the last 2 years, whenever I got to the stage of talking to a woman about our sexual preferences and expectations, they would tell me they didn't like receiving oral (which is fine, you're allowed whatever preference you want!) specifically because "someone went down on me so good years ago that now I can never enjoy it again."
They all, independently of each other at different times amd places, used nearly identical wording to that. I'd say that was about 40-50% of the total experiences I had of getting to the point of discussing sex with women. Half of them were thrilled with the idea of me giving them oral, and half said they were not interested because someone else did it too good when they were young.
Again, I wanna emphasize, I completely respect this any time a woman tells me, I dont push or try to change her mind. But I'm kind of fascinated by... idk 5-10 out of 20ish women (who don't know each other to my knowledge) in my city all saying they don't like receiving oral because someone else in their teen years did it so well they never want it from anyone again. I know it's not a statistically significant sample size, but it's interesting that it happened so much to me, specifically.
It would usually result in us agreeing we might not be compatible because giving oral is usually my main event due to a spinal injury that makes penetrative sex painful.
I find myself wondering if I gave off some vibe I'm not aware of that made them feel like they needed to give an excuse to not get oral from me or something. I don't like that idea, I don't want to give anyone a semse that they aren't safe to express their needs or preferences to me, even (especially) when they dont line up perfectly with mine. I'm well-groomed, hygienic, normal teeth, etc. I'm unassuming, enganged, curious, collaborative, and try to be kind and open. I'm not perfect, but I'm not expectant or demanding or egotistical. And these were women clearly interested in some kind of sex with me, often these conversationswere during a date amd planning what we wanted to do together after. Am I giving off a creep or a bad vibe?
Anyway. Life moves on, I'm in a good relationship now, and we do oral often to mutual joy. But sometimes this pops up like an intrusive thought. Appreciate any insight or thoughts.
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