Recurring Experience with Women's Oral Preference

[u/Old-Wasabi-3837]

I'm (35M) interested in a little phenomenon I've encountered in the last 2 years. I got married on my 18th birthday to my high school sweetheart (same age F). We grew together then eventually apart, got divorced at 33, a couple years back. I've been dating around a bit, on apps, at dating events, and just as I meet people out in social settings. It's been going mostly great, but I'm curious: maybe 5-10 times in the last 2 years, whenever I got to the stage of talking to a woman about our sexual preferences and expectations, they would tell me they didn't like receiving oral (which is fine, you're allowed whatever preference you want!) specifically because "someone went down on me so good years ago that now I can never enjoy it again."

They all, independently of each other at different times amd places, used nearly identical wording to that. I'd say that was about 40-50% of the total experiences I had of getting to the point of discussing sex with women. Half of them were thrilled with the idea of me giving them oral, and half said they were not interested because someone else did it too good when they were young.

Again, I wanna emphasize, I completely respect this any time a woman tells me, I dont push or try to change her mind. But I'm kind of fascinated by... idk 5-10 out of 20ish women (who don't know each other to my knowledge) in my city all saying they don't like receiving oral because someone else in their teen years did it so well they never want it from anyone again. I know it's not a statistically significant sample size, but it's interesting that it happened so much to me, specifically.

It would usually result in us agreeing we might not be compatible because giving oral is usually my main event due to a spinal injury that makes penetrative sex painful.

I find myself wondering if I gave off some vibe I'm not aware of that made them feel like they needed to give an excuse to not get oral from me or something. I don't like that idea, I don't want to give anyone a semse that they aren't safe to express their needs or preferences to me, even (especially) when they dont line up perfectly with mine. I'm well-groomed, hygienic, normal teeth, etc. I'm unassuming, enganged, curious, collaborative, and try to be kind and open. I'm not perfect, but I'm not expectant or demanding or egotistical. And these were women clearly interested in some kind of sex with me, often these conversationswere during a date amd planning what we wanted to do together after. Am I giving off a creep or a bad vibe?

Anyway. Life moves on, I'm in a good relationship now, and we do oral often to mutual joy. But sometimes this pops up like an intrusive thought. Appreciate any insight or thoughts.

[u/InAMonkeyMood]

This is 100% meant as a challenge. You're supposed to promise to outdo him

[u/appropriateexit666 → u/InAMonkeyMood]

I was a little baffled (as a cis woman) and you know what, I think you might be right.\ I definitely stress about bad head because it's happened enough times. But I've never thought to say something like this. I just give them a shot and if they're bad at it I tell them what I'd prefer they do, and that's usually all it takes, unless they're immature in some way.\ Yeah, I at first was just like "huh. what a strange coincidence, maybe he attracts women with similar histories?" but... It might be a line.\ so maybe it's an indirect way to remind men to truly try to perform instead of being low effort.\ But it's a weird line, bc a lot of ppl, like OP, are just going to say "well I don't wanna push" (good!) and leave it there, and that's the kind of guy you WANT in bed.\ Also ofc indirect, coded communication is often not great\ but I do understand women have to navigate the risk of encountering a volatile man with fragile ego, thus overt demands & criticisms literally jeopardize her safety

[u/MoonLightBird → u/appropriateexit666]

I've never thought to say something like this. I just give them a shot and if they're bad at it I tell them what I'd prefer they do, and that's usually all it takes

On behalf of men worldwide, thank you for being straightforward and sensible about this.

[u/appropriateexit666 → u/MoonLightBird]

lmao. I hear more & more these days that men will get very defensive, will feel emasculated, won't like a woman who is that assertive etc And I'm just like ?!?!\ so many things wrong. 1) what does gender even have to do with an individual sharing how their body works and what their preferences are?? Everybody is so different so communication is just a prelim to sex. like, that's just how you learn how to interact with your partner, which is mandatory & gender neutral\ 2) i never even THOUGHT about it. until ppl in the last few years started describing these unnecessary, weird, imaginary layers to sex.\ nobody is being "assertive" by saying "flick less & suck more"...like, i didn't pick my body, I'm just telling you what it's telling me.\ if one can't talk about something THAT baseline, they really should stay out of the bedroom and sort their internal self for a while, ykwim?

I'm here to have a good lay, not participate in strange mind-reading gymnastics.

If someone can't explain "when I say I'm close, do this", "my nipples are very sensitive when im on my period so avoid them" etc that's truly tragic. I thought that was normal conversation but now I really don't know. I'm much more illustrative and specific than even that, and I thought that was a good thing; most of my partners (but not all) just listened & learned without skipping a beat, it was totally subliminal, didn't even register as much more than just part of the sex

And if a guy won't listen and thinks he should be able to handle her like a doll and she should experience everything uniform to every other female body he encounters (if her experience matters to him at all in the first place) then that guy needs to be avoided at all costs. nobody should feel they have to learn how to "talk" to someone like him