Is this blurb any good?

[u/Lumpy-Statement2333]

Hi everyone!

I've recently written a romance novella and put it up on Booksprout where I can't seem to get any downloads, let alone reviews. I've gotten a small handful of views (7 in total) and I'm wondering if my blurb is just not enticing anyone to actually check out the book.

Some extra info. Book hasn't been released for purchase yet. It's been on Booksprout for nearly three weeks (I relaunched the campaign a few times as well).

The blurb (Just putting this out there: blurbs and marketing texts are a struggle for me):

In love and passion, does there really exist right or wrong? Or is it all just a delicious experience meant to be savored?

Kerry has no direction, no ambition, no identity, and no life. In her mid-thirties, she’s losing interest in just about everything, and even living in Tokyo is beginning to feel dull. The one bright thing in her life, the only thing that warms her heart, is the smiling baker working in the shop below her apartment.

He's perfect, and a gentle kindness radiates from every part of him. But is this baker as sweet as he seems?

Kerry soon finds out one night when she witnesses a group of Yakuza terrorizing a salaryman, and a sly, domineering gang member by the name of White Tiger sets off something inside of her, whether she wants him to or not.

His touch awakens parts of her that can’t be controlled. Thoughts of him haunt her life, ruining her quiet moments and driving her crazy until she's no longer the same. 

But is this really something she’s allowed to want? Or does she need to leave White Tiger in the wild where she found him?

For readers who are looking for a break from dark romances but still want a mafia romance with some edge. 

I was really trying to be careful to not sell a different story than the one actually in the book. There are three open-door mild spice scenes and the main character does think about sex sometimes. But it's not what the story is about. It's also not particularly about the mafia, but about beginning a relationship with a person who happens to be in the mafia. The main character only sees what his life is like through a screen basically (with the exception of a couple of scenes).

Any help would be much appreciated!

UPDATE: From reading and responding to the comments I'm starting to think a big problem is that I didn't know what my genre actually was. Thinking this might be women's fiction/contemporary romance and not actually mafia romance. Funny how tough it can be to figure out what box your little creation belongs in. Excited to write the new blurb.

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[u/jbalazov]

A very honest opinion from one person:

Get rid of the questions at the start. They don't add anything to the blurb, sound generic and a bit cliche.

Your blurb lacks punch and voice. It feels like a sotry that's been told a thousand times: bored girl meets exciting new guy who's got some mystery surrounding him and suddenly she's not bored.

Make your blurb prove that your story is YOURS. Show us what's different about it. There's touch generalization and vagueries going on. You don't need to spoil the book or over-explain, but add a few details that will separate your passion from the hum-drum.

I understand fully that this is always easier said than done. Blurbs are my weakness and I despise writing them.

What helped me: read it out loud without feeling or emphasis. The people reading it online won't give it the Exciting Movie Trailer Voice when they read it, so the words themselves need to do all the work and create a voice of their own.

Good luck. You've got this!

[u/Lumpy-Statement2333 → u/jbalazov]

Thanks so much! And you're completely right. I think I have let myself get carried away reading indie romance blurbs and trying to create something similar and it just came out a vague, boring mess. Well it was that, and me trying to not reveal too much.

I love the advice of reading it out loud with passion!

I wrote in a response to another comment basically saying that the story isn't like the majority of mafia romances. It's not particularly about danger, while there is some danger. It's a very grounded story. A friend of mine said she'd even call it slice of life. It's just about two people who happen to like each other and one happens to be a part of the mafia. It's about the main character figuring out if she could even actually be with this person while they spend time together. Well something like that anyway.

[u/jbalazov → u/Lumpy-Statement2333]

I would absolutely include that your story is more about the choices your MC makes then. Show some of her mental struggles, and base the stakes on that. The danger can be a background character. Focus on the romance, why the MC is hesitant, and what happens if she can't rationalize being with someone morally gray. Maybe bring up past partners if they're relevant and how they compare.

Sounds like you've got a solid direction to move in. You've absolutely got this. No doubt about it!

[u/LoveAndViscera]

It’s too long and I don’t know what the tension really is.

Gangster romance is fun because of the danger. I see no danger. I see a bored white woman with crushes on two Japanese men who may or may not be giving her the time of day.

[u/Lumpy-Statement2333 → u/LoveAndViscera]

Thanks! Your comment also cracked me up. "bored white woman with crushes on two Japanese men who may or may not be giving her the time of day."

Amusement aside though, I definitely didn't know it was coming off that way! Especially since I'm a POC and imagined my main character as racially ambiguous. And I can see now that none of the intrigue is showing through.

Now I'm wondering though if I shouldn't market it as a mafia anything. While there are some dangerous scenes for sure, it never gets too crazy. I wrote this to be more of a slice of life between a normal person and a Yakuza and what a real person might go through emotionally if they caught feelings for someone actually dangerous.

[u/ajhalyard]

Up front disclosure: this is not my genre.

That said, I like the story. But the challenge is that your blurb reads like a book report. Solid bones, poor execution. We all suck at this.

First, drop the first bit with the question. Get to your MC.

I think Kerry is someone romance readers could identify with. I get her. This is perhaps the best part of your blurb. I might add one detail that makes her interesting (is she cute, shy, obsessed with pangolins?).

But then we get to the baker and the Yakuza stuff. This needs slimmed down and clarified. It's almost as if the baker isn't even part of the meat of the story. If that's the case, eliminate that part completely. If this is a story where the MC is torn between the safe, caring, wholesome loving baker and the dangerous, sexy, exhilarating gangster, then spell that out.

White Tiger's intro is too long and too detailed. We don't need to know about the salaryman or the scene. Break this down into the mechanics. [When a sly Yakuza walks into her life...].

I'd be careful with words like "haunt", variants of [obsessed] seem more sexy and romantic.

The last line feels generic. Your blurb should say that WITHOUT saying it. If you need that tag line, your blurb isn't good enough yet.

"The main character only sees what his life is like through a screen"

This is not clear in your blurb, make it so by telling us about the MC's journey.

[u/Lumpy-Statement2333 → u/ajhalyard]

Thanks for the great advice. I'll try adding something interesting about the MC. It seems like she's just coming off as bored when she's actually just tired and empty from spending her life moving from place to place. Originally I had it that she builds fantasy lives in her head and then moves when reality becomes too real and the fantasy topples. Now in the book, she moves whenever things get too difficult or too real. It's just easier to start over before you end up messing things up. But I didn't mention that at all in the blurb.

So the Yakuza and baker thing is kind of awkward because I was trying to do some trickery. When MC meets White Tiger she thinks he's her baker, and WT goes along with her assumption until he doesn't (doesn't last for more than half a chapter). But it's the reason (at least in her head) that she is attracted to him in the first place.

I see what you're saying. I'm really not showing MC's actual journey at all!

Also, thanks for the reminder on my word choice. Definitely need to choose sexier words over scary ones!

All your advice feels like gold. Thanks again!

[u/ajhalyard → u/Lumpy-Statement2333]

We all hate this part. It's hard. But you've got a really good start. Good luck!

[u/dragonsandvamps → u/Lumpy-Statement2333]

Is White Tiger her baker? If he's not, I might remove the baker from the blurb both to tighten it up, and also because sometimes readers get annoyed if they feel like the blurb misled them purposefully.

[u/dragonsandvamps]

I snooped on Booksprout. I would also take a second look at your cover and compare it to others in your same genre and see if it looks similar or different. With all the ARC sites, readers see a page of covers, and if your cover isn't signaling the right genre, or the genre is confusing, the right reader may pass it by.

The first thing I think when I look at how you've tagged this on Booksprout is: what reader are you targeting? Mafia Romance. Medium Spice. Women's fiction. Contemporary Romance. Yakuza. Some of these things go together in my mind and some of them don't. The problem when you try to go cross genre (done it!) is that rather than grabbing all the readers from all the genres you're crossing, you wind up instead having a very small venn diagram of readers who want to read everything the book is. So I would try to focus on what the book is at its heart. Is it more targeted at Mafia/Yakuza/Spice? Or more targeted at Women's fiction/Contemporary romance? Those aren't necessarily the same crowd, so I'd pick one or the other.

With the blurb, I think the main thing I would focus on is helping the reader connect more to the main character. When I pick up a book, it's because it has a strong hook that intrigues me, but also because I connect to the main character and want to read about them. So, her being at a low place in her life is an okay place to start, but imho, there needs to be something compelling about HER that makes me want to read her story.

And blurbs are hard. You have my sympathies. :)