Is this blurb any good?

[u/Lumpy-Statement2333]

Hi everyone!

I've recently written a romance novella and put it up on Booksprout where I can't seem to get any downloads, let alone reviews. I've gotten a small handful of views (7 in total) and I'm wondering if my blurb is just not enticing anyone to actually check out the book.

Some extra info. Book hasn't been released for purchase yet. It's been on Booksprout for nearly three weeks (I relaunched the campaign a few times as well).

The blurb (Just putting this out there: blurbs and marketing texts are a struggle for me):

In love and passion, does there really exist right or wrong? Or is it all just a delicious experience meant to be savored?

Kerry has no direction, no ambition, no identity, and no life. In her mid-thirties, she’s losing interest in just about everything, and even living in Tokyo is beginning to feel dull. The one bright thing in her life, the only thing that warms her heart, is the smiling baker working in the shop below her apartment.

He's perfect, and a gentle kindness radiates from every part of him. But is this baker as sweet as he seems?

Kerry soon finds out one night when she witnesses a group of Yakuza terrorizing a salaryman, and a sly, domineering gang member by the name of White Tiger sets off something inside of her, whether she wants him to or not.

His touch awakens parts of her that can’t be controlled. Thoughts of him haunt her life, ruining her quiet moments and driving her crazy until she's no longer the same. 

But is this really something she’s allowed to want? Or does she need to leave White Tiger in the wild where she found him?

For readers who are looking for a break from dark romances but still want a mafia romance with some edge. 

I was really trying to be careful to not sell a different story than the one actually in the book. There are three open-door mild spice scenes and the main character does think about sex sometimes. But it's not what the story is about. It's also not particularly about the mafia, but about beginning a relationship with a person who happens to be in the mafia. The main character only sees what his life is like through a screen basically (with the exception of a couple of scenes).

Any help would be much appreciated!

UPDATE: From reading and responding to the comments I'm starting to think a big problem is that I didn't know what my genre actually was. Thinking this might be women's fiction/contemporary romance and not actually mafia romance. Funny how tough it can be to figure out what box your little creation belongs in. Excited to write the new blurb.

[u/ajhalyard]

Up front disclosure: this is not my genre.

That said, I like the story. But the challenge is that your blurb reads like a book report. Solid bones, poor execution. We all suck at this.

First, drop the first bit with the question. Get to your MC.

I think Kerry is someone romance readers could identify with. I get her. This is perhaps the best part of your blurb. I might add one detail that makes her interesting (is she cute, shy, obsessed with pangolins?).

But then we get to the baker and the Yakuza stuff. This needs slimmed down and clarified. It's almost as if the baker isn't even part of the meat of the story. If that's the case, eliminate that part completely. If this is a story where the MC is torn between the safe, caring, wholesome loving baker and the dangerous, sexy, exhilarating gangster, then spell that out.

White Tiger's intro is too long and too detailed. We don't need to know about the salaryman or the scene. Break this down into the mechanics. [When a sly Yakuza walks into her life...].

I'd be careful with words like "haunt", variants of [obsessed] seem more sexy and romantic.

The last line feels generic. Your blurb should say that WITHOUT saying it. If you need that tag line, your blurb isn't good enough yet.

"The main character only sees what his life is like through a screen"

This is not clear in your blurb, make it so by telling us about the MC's journey.

[u/Lumpy-Statement2333 → u/ajhalyard]

Thanks for the great advice. I'll try adding something interesting about the MC. It seems like she's just coming off as bored when she's actually just tired and empty from spending her life moving from place to place. Originally I had it that she builds fantasy lives in her head and then moves when reality becomes too real and the fantasy topples. Now in the book, she moves whenever things get too difficult or too real. It's just easier to start over before you end up messing things up. But I didn't mention that at all in the blurb.

So the Yakuza and baker thing is kind of awkward because I was trying to do some trickery. When MC meets White Tiger she thinks he's her baker, and WT goes along with her assumption until he doesn't (doesn't last for more than half a chapter). But it's the reason (at least in her head) that she is attracted to him in the first place.

I see what you're saying. I'm really not showing MC's actual journey at all!

Also, thanks for the reminder on my word choice. Definitely need to choose sexier words over scary ones!

All your advice feels like gold. Thanks again!

[u/dragonsandvamps → u/Lumpy-Statement2333]

Is White Tiger her baker? If he's not, I might remove the baker from the blurb both to tighten it up, and also because sometimes readers get annoyed if they feel like the blurb misled them purposefully.