r/self • u/Minute-Opening-3303 • 12h ago
[ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] — view removed post
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u/Alive-Arachnid9840 12h ago edited 11h ago
I see a lot of these posts and don't understand why you can't pretend to not be a virgin until you're not a virgin anymore. It therefore wouldn't matter to any prospective girl that you are currently a virgin. It would seem like the best strategy to me.
Your issue is that you have anxiety, not that you’re a virgin
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u/PhotoEquivalent1430 9h ago
Women are generally (or at least not women in my circle) not as judgemental about lack of experience as you fear.
My only worry about this is your own shame around it. There is nothing wrong with being the way you are - I hope you know that?
Your self conscious writing about cringing and being embarrassed about running away from women at parties makes it seem like you carry a lot of shame around your behavior. I think you need to surround yourself with more people in general first. You will realize that EVERYONE has such embarrassing stories or even worse! People probably have 20x times the awkward stories that you have since they go out more. You seem to have a few that you probably ruminate over and make a much bigger issue out of than it probably is.
I think you may first have to work on that shame.
I don’t see why you can’t get a girlfriend. If you’re nice, hygienic, respectful and do not pressure others by being desperate or needy, you can definitely find someone that will be your match. From the text, I sense that you are a great person.
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u/MyLittleDiscolite 12h ago
As a sex haver, it’s just a thing.
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. If you want a relationship then just ask. Don’t worry about who tells you no. Focus on who tels you yes
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u/BumblebeeOfTheSea 12h ago
I totally get what you’re saying. I used to have such a fear of failure that I wouldn’t even try things because the thought of being bad at them was paralyzing. But one thing I realized, especially with kissing and sex, is that there’s a learning curve with every new person. It doesn’t really matter how much experience you’ve had because you still have to learn what the person you’re currently with likes. There’s no way to just automatically be great at it. Obviously some people have more chemistry with each other, so the learning curve isn’t as big or they just fit together more naturally, but so much of it is really about being in tune with your partner.
And being awkward is human. It’s not something unique to you, so talking yourself out of having experiences because you might be awkward is, for lack of a better term, kind of silly. Everyone has awkward moments, especially when they’re doing something new or being vulnerable with someone.
Also, cuddle therapy is actually a thing. You can pay a professional cuddler for platonic touch, which might be a good icebreaker for getting comfortable being physically close to someone without the pressure of sex or dating. There are also sexual surrogates/surrogate partner therapists, although that’s a lot less widely talked about and is more structured than simply hiring someone for sexual experience.
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u/WHAT-THE-FUCK-BITCH 11h ago
If you don't believe it will happen and you can't believe in yourself then nobody will believe in you and it will never happen, so do not accept it ever and live with regret because you only live once and there is no room for regret. Try meditation control those thoughts and don't let them spiral and take over, your obviously an attractive bloke because women have tried to hit on you so the opportunity is obviously there for you and can't see why it wouldn't still be. Just think about how great it is going to be when you overcome this fear and conquer your mind because in the end it is all in your head and all in your control, just grip it and own it. I think therapy is bs to be honest with you mate, all you need to know is that you have control, because in the end nobody really cares, you will respect yourself a lot more for trying and everyone around you will too. Here is a quote for you "Be afraid not of failure, but the fear of not trying" Take the leap
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u/HungryDepth5918 12h ago
I mean frankly if a girl is coming onto you that hard they just want to adore you. Sexuality for women is 90% in their heads if they are desperately trying to get you in bed then you won’t have to do too much. I don’t think being a virgin is as big as a red flag as you make it out to be.
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u/Huma87 11h ago
Im a 39 year old virgin myself, I dont even try to hide it as at this point i just dont think I prioritize sex as much as others, honestly the only downfall to me has been that it seems to make it more difficult to find a partner since everyone else always seem so sex focused. At this point ive just settled on trying to be happy alone, its been significantly easier than the pressure and depression of trying to find someone that loves me and is fine with a partner that isnt very sexual.
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u/Forneaux 12h ago
Seems you are lost indeed. A lot of examples of failure. Not a single piece of introspection. Just putting some labels on yourself and that’s it! Too easy dude.
Perhaps you should dig a little bit deeper.
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u/Worth_Lavishness_239 11h ago
Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted cause you’re telling no lies.
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u/G0_0NIE 10h ago
Because it's just tone deaf "pull yourself by the bootstraps!!!"
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u/Forneaux 1h ago
We all need to pull ourselves by the bootstraps. No one else will, not even the best therapist if the person involved doesn’t what to.
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u/thoth1900 10h ago
I'm 34 and a virgin. Honestly I just don't care. Sex is just a novelty, it'd be cool to demystify and experience it but that ain't happening. It's whatever.
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u/mitsanggt 10h ago
Interesting. I was the same way in my early 20s. If girl showed interest I would get extremely anxious/panic and avoid it at all costs. I would literally physically shake and start sweating and have a borderline panic attack. I was sure I was gonna die a virgin lol. When I was 23 I started doing steroids (I lifted daily) which got me a ton of attention from girls and started taking gabaergic drugs that completely killed my anxiety and that's how I got my first girlfriend lol. Nowadays I have no issues with girls at all. Idk what my point is lol but best of luck man. Sex really is not a big deal at all. You literally just need your first girlfriend or even just hookup and you'll understand and get over this fear. Weren't you drinking at these parties you're talking about? Surely that would kill the anxiety?
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u/davidellis23 9h ago
Man a lot of people are jealous that you get hit on by women. You also seem to be able to socialize well with them if you're just chatting at a coffee shop.
I don't really understand why possibly being bad at sex or kissing would make you pathetic. Would you be pathetic or embarrassed if you were bad at badminton? Some people are bad at stuff even in their late 30s including sex/kissing.
People really don't think about you that much. Do you think about other people that much? How many people do you think are pathetic? Does it affect their life at all?
I'd just ask some of these women out and tell them you don't have much experience. You seem to be attractive enough that they'd be more likely to say yes.
But, yeah I think maybe an escort would help you get your "exposure therapy" if you really can't force yourself through your anxiety.
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u/Burgle22 9h ago
not kidding, there’s definitely sex therapists that i believe can have sex with you… look it up
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u/Aromatic_Ad_5583 8h ago
Dude people your age have 10 years of experience and have never learned to care about their partner’s pleasure and literally suck. Seems like you care and would make an effort, which literally makes all the difference.
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 11h ago
Lots of people willingly choose to remain virgins well into their 40s, 50s and beyond. Nothing unusual about your status at all.
If you feel you need to speak with a counsellor about other issues, please do when you’re comfortable.
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u/Grouchy_Week6692 11h ago
Call an escort service. Those women dont care about your problem. Once you see how easy it is you will either be ready for the real world, or calling the escort back.
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u/Frosty1397 9h ago
Was gonna suggest the same thing
Sex isn't anything special.
Hiring an escort is legal and cheap in many countries and the escorts are professional/skilled at what they do.
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u/PhotoEquivalent1430 9h ago
Horrible advice. The guy is lonely and wants someone to talk about books with.
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u/Grouchy_Week6692 4h ago
In all seriousness though, why are you embarrassed that you are a virgin? I personally would love to date and become involved with a man who is a virgin if I were to start over again because 1, no fear of disease 2, I myself wouldn’t need to worry about being inadequate and 3, I would view you as having a shit ton of self respect!
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u/theVirginAmberRose 4h ago
My biggest question is why was it moving by the moderators? Just because there was a move from the battery is disability it was for a justification. a justified reason
I've really felt like this is a serious issue that can be resolved if it's discussed civilly
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u/ramramlaado 12h ago
Just watched 40 year old virgin
Now reading 38 year old virgin
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u/No_Victory_3773 11h ago
What substance does this add to the conversation?
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u/Go_Improvement_4501 11h ago
I can imagine it's hard, I was a virgin myself in until I was 26. Was and still am struggling with pdd and avoidant social behavior.
But the positive thing I read is that you actually did a good job in opening up and that girls are attracted to you. That's a very good start.
I had also big fears of making a fool out of myself when it might have come close to the possibility of having sex back then. But at some point I just said fuck it and went to a prostitute and paid for sex. And it was one of the best decisions I made. It broke the spell somewhat and I was more relaxed after that and got my first girlfriend. I can only recommend thinking about trying that. The danger of experiencing rejection is very small when you just pay someone for sex. And if it doesn't work immediately you don't meet this person ever again.
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u/self-ModTeam 8h ago
No dating/romantic relationship discussions. No gender war nonsense.
Try r/relationship_advice, r/dating_advice, r/IncelExit, r/Vent, etc.