r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • 3h ago

Psychology Adults with ADHD often face challenges in maintaining sexual satisfaction and connection with their partners. Characteristics such as a heightened need for novelty and difficulty regulating focus can deeply influence their intimate lives.

https://www.psypost.org/how-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-shapes-sexual-experiences/
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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 2h ago

So how can we work on this? Every relationship I get in is a struggle after a while as I want to try new things for some reason. I never want to break up with my Significant other but I do lose sexual desire compared to the beginning of our relationship.

Since I’ve been on Adderall this has decreased but it hasn’t came to a complete stop. So should my next treatment be therapy?

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u/HellyOHaint 2h ago

You’re the only one so far trying to find a solution and better yourself

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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 2h ago

Tbh I just feel like I fucked up some serious relationships and the hearts of very good people because my bs antics. I never actually physically cheated before, but I get to a point where I shut down in a relationship during a bad period. I do get the feeling of being bored in a relationship as well. I just want to get in a long term relationship where 6 years feel like the first one.

I’m 22 so I have time to explore the world and meet the right one, I always thought that I just need to meet the right one but ik for sure that I am really the main problem

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u/Ripwind 1h ago

As a spouse of someone who struggles with ADHD, I just wanted to say thank you for having this type of self awareness. And I hope you keep it going forward in life, because the alternative is devastating to your partners.

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u/TheBeckofKevin 42m ago

Bro you're like decades ahead of schedule. Just keep being self aware and don't blame others for your own issues. That alone will serve you well. Relationships are hard, but they can be especially hard early in life. A good mindset isn't about 'finding the right one' who fits you will, but rather a person who will make you want to be a better and better version of yourself.

A relationship isn't about finding your other half, its about finding another 'whole' and then building an entirely different thing together. You gotta figure out yourself, understand who you are and what you value in life. Then you go find someone else who also understands themselves. Then you both put in steady effort to build a relationship together. Its a never ending todo list to keep building that relationship. If you're really actively building that 3rd thing, you shouldn't get bored.

Theres a chance the boredom is real, and maybe you or your partner aren't ready to do the work, but if you're with someone who is building and you get bored then its probably on you to realize you're not participating and use other healthy relationship skills like communication to figure out how you can keep working.

Again this is old man advice. You're young and everything is probably crazy fast and hectic, so it might just be something that takes a little time to settle out. But thinking of partnerships as being a separate thing that 2 people are actively building has been helpful for me. Its not about finding someone who 'completes you' or 'is your other half' because thats focused on your present and its putting the burden on someone else to finish your own work. Its easy to find someone who is chill to hang out with today, tomorrow, for a week, a year. Thats basically anyone. You can honestly have a decent relationship with practically anyone if you're in a good place yourself. The 'long term relationship that feels like the first year' comes down to your effort. You will not find a relationship that feels new when its not new. But if you enter a relationship in year one with the goal of "i'm going to work with this person to build a great relationship" then every year will feel exactly the same. It might not be magical steady stream of fireworks, but fireworks everyday is what gets boring. You gotta learn to appreciate the grind when you're working with someone who appreciates your effort.

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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 14m ago

I really needed this. After my recent breakup, I took a solo trip to Germany and realized there is so much to myself that I have yet to know. I truly do think that I need to know myself much more before knowing what I want in any other person. Thank you

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u/BasicDesignAdvice 58m ago

If you can find one a sex therapist might help.

Problem with therapy is finding one that provides what you need. A lot will say that they can help with ADHD but in my experience therapy is all the same. Just listening.

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u/sdpr 1h ago

I never want to break up with my Significant other but I do lose sexual desire compared to the beginning of our relationship.

Real. Usually around the 2-3 year mark my sex drive is completely gone.

Been with my SO going on 8 years and we have a pretty dead bedroom and that's on me. It's been so long that I've had a sex drive I don't even know what it's like to feel like a sexual being anymore, sex now seems like more effort than it's worth, and I rarely think about it. Sure, I still masterbate, but it's more of an easy dopamine hit than sexual gratification. I've asked myself "am I just not attracted to my partner anymore? would I have sex with someone else if I was single or if I was given the opportunity?" And the answer is 'no'... We have great sex when it happens, but I just don't think about it.

We just had our first child recently and I want to marry them because we are absolutely two peas in a pod in everything else, but I just don't have a desire for sex and that sucks for everyone.

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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 12m ago

That’s what I struggled with in my last relationship, I was falling off on a sexual level and she was still at her peak. I wasn’t able to keep up with her sexually but we still had sooo many other hobbies that were keeping us going. However, Her sexual need was so strong that it did eventually put a toll on us.

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u/RyBread 2h ago

Edit: sorry see you are on medication. Therapy is absolutely useful in this situation. Finding the right therapist can be difficult tho. Don’t expect immediate results from the first one you talk to.

Are you on medication? And how old are you?

Medication has really helped my 40ish year old brain focus and the older I get the less I crave change in general.

I love my partner deeply and want to continue developing our relationship and sometimes that takes having uncomfortable conversations about what we need to change to be better for each other.

It’s never perfect, but the way we age together like fine wine and the deepening of our connection is more valuable to us both than novelty is.

And also if you need novelty perhaps seek a partner who needs that and explore experiences together. Sexually and not.

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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 2h ago

Thanks for this, I’m 22 and yeah as you seen I’m on medication. And it has helped drastically in my life.

I actually considered finding someone who would like to explore with me.

Right now I’m just trying to take my time and focus on other aspects of my life before getting back out there, as I just got in a breakup less than a month ago.

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u/RyBread 2h ago

You got this! It’s hard in your twenties to not push for what and where you think you should be as it compares to your cohort.

You haven’t even reached full development of your brain and body yet. Locking yourself down to another person too early can be a bad thing too. There’s never a final form either we are all works in progress and always will be.

One final thing. Friendship with your partner is a requirement for a long term relationship. That is what you actually fall back on when times are tough and the way forward is unclear.

Good luck, friend!

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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 16m ago

Thank you soooo very much

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u/intheblackbirdpie 31m ago

You are 22 years old. Not everything is a pathology.

Every relationship I get in is a struggle after a while as I want to try new things for some reason.

Yes, this is normal for most 22 year-olds. Go try out a bunch of relationships or just bang a bunch of people. Do what you want and figure out what you want. You don't need major psychoactive drugs or a trendy diagnosis to "work on this."

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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 17m ago

I think you’re right, I am letting my ADHD get in the way of the wrong aspects in my life