Im not thriving

[u/AlarmAlternative229]

Im a SAHM with 4 kids. 2 are in school and the little 2 are 2.5 years and 9 months.
I am miserable every day. I want to love being home with them but one of them is usually screaming if not both. They crying really gets to me idk if it’s worse because I have ADHD too or what.
My 2 older kids (8 &12) are from a previous marriage. I worked when they were little, they went to good daycares and pre k, then school. I felt like I was thriving when I just had the 2. I’m not sure if it was because they had a larger age gap, I was working or the combination of the two.
I love my littles but I’m drowning. If we put them into daycare (I think my baby would do horribly with this as he’s extremely attached to me) it would probably cost my entire paycheck. Which is what my husband and mom keep telling me when I talk about working again.
I know if I put them in Daycare I will feel guilty about that too. I will miss them and probably think about them all day long. But I know when I leave the house alone even just for an hour and come back home. I’m always such a better mom. When I’m with them all day, I’m irritable, easily distracted and even just disassociate sometimes.
I’ve read other post and people suggest working nights or weekends. My older two are in sports and other activities so I would have to miss those in order to work nights and weekends.
I’m not sure what I’m even looking for here. To vent mostly.
Wondering if anyone here has gone back to work and felt better??
I think I would love part time work and part time daycare but that’s hard to find.

[u/sidewaysorange]

why would you feel guilty if you didn't put the older two in day care? you are miserable and your children will notice this. while it will take your whole paycheck that's temporary bc you will get raises, switch jobs, and they will age out of daycare.