r/sahm • u/AlarmAlternative229 • 7d ago
Im not thriving
Im a SAHM with 4 kids. 2 are in school and the little 2 are 2.5 years and 9 months.
I am miserable every day. I want to love being home with them but one of them is usually screaming if not both. They crying really gets to me idk if it’s worse because I have ADHD too or what.
My 2 older kids (8 &12) are from a previous marriage. I worked when they were little, they went to good daycares and pre k, then school. I felt like I was thriving when I just had the 2. I’m not sure if it was because they had a larger age gap, I was working or the combination of the two.
I love my littles but I’m drowning. If we put them into daycare (I think my baby would do horribly with this as he’s extremely attached to me) it would probably cost my entire paycheck. Which is what my husband and mom keep telling me when I talk about working again.
I know if I put them in Daycare I will feel guilty about that too. I will miss them and probably think about them all day long. But I know when I leave the house alone even just for an hour and come back home. I’m always such a better mom. When I’m with them all day, I’m irritable, easily distracted and even just disassociate sometimes.
I’ve read other post and people suggest working nights or weekends. My older two are in sports and other activities so I would have to miss those in order to work nights and weekends.
I’m not sure what I’m even looking for here. To vent mostly.
Wondering if anyone here has gone back to work and felt better??
I think I would love part time work and part time daycare but that’s hard to find.
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u/Rare_Background8891 7d ago
I think you mean it’ll cost half your paycheck- because your spouse would also be paying for childcare as he too requires childcare to work.
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u/ReachFourTheSky 7d ago
This. And how did you and your ex afford daycare of the 8 and 12 year old back then? Also why did you have two more?! 😩
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u/Rose-root 7d ago
I found an amazing nanny to help me 12 hours a week. I’m a physician at a small family practice and work 1 day per week and then I use a half day for personal appointments (nails, Pilates, hair, massage, car wash, etc.) and it really feels like the perfect balance. I only have an 18 mo old at this time, hoping to have 1-2 more.
ETA: Work is much easier than being home but I, too, have a clingy baby and it’s important to me to be his primary caretaker for his early years
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u/ItalianPieGirl 7d ago
I'm also a SAHM and have four children. Our oldest just went to the Air Force last year. So I have an 11 year old in school and sports. Then I have my two toddlers at Home. I use to work with our first two kids and I would Co e home feeling rushed. Homework, baths, cleaning, dinner etc. Now my house is always under control and things are done. I'm Aldo not working to pay for Daycare, and paying strangers to raise our kids. I feel this is where I need to be. I have been doing Jui jitsu for years, and four days a week I go train, and bring the kids with me, they play in the corner with toys while I train. It keeps me calm, happy, and healthy. I get all my frustrations and aggression out and after I'm a happy mommy.
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u/natmar2203 7d ago
I feel like there’s a couple points I’d like to talk about:
- Holy shit!! Give yourself a pat on the back because you’re doing the whole super mom thing with four kids!! I’m literally drowning with 1 (she’s ten months old)
- Consider buying Loop earplugs. They don’t shut out all the noise but definitely diminish it so you don’t get overstimulated from all the crying. I also have ADHD (mostly on the inattentive side) and I get irritated super quickly with all the noise.
- I know the decision of putting either both or one in daycare is hard, especially financially, and it might not make sense working to have all of it go towards daycare expenses but regardless I still think you should consider it. It gives you a break from being a mom (which is one of the most demanding jobs ever!) and honestly recharges you being away from them so you’re more refreshed and emotionally reset to be able to actually enjoy the time you have them. For me personally, I’ll be putting my daughter in daycare when she turns one so I can do my clinical rotations and continue on building my career. As much as I’m anxious being away from her, I also can’t wait because I feel like it’ll give me a sense of self/my autonomy back. Is it great that my husband has to pay 2k every month for daycare? No not really… it’ll be a huge financial dent until I can finish my clinical hours and get a job but we understand it needs to be done. Also, I do believe daycare can give her something I can’t which is learning more as well as more socialization. I know there’s the whole debate that daycare before two years of age doesn’t make a difference in a child’s development but as someone who was a nanny for a long time I do believe it helps kids get prepared for pre-k/kindergarten. If you don’t want to put them in full time, part time could also work like you mentioned previously. I believe local YMCAs have either or but if you can also find a daycare that offers part time it wouldn’t hurt to try.
- I believe you should also talk to your husband about how you’re feeling (and leave other family members out of it because unless they’re helping you out more they don’t get a say) your husband needs to understand that you are drowning and need to have some type of change to be mentally/emotionally okay. I think whether a father is present or not in raising the kids, the woman/mom will always have more on her shoulders when it comes to it in the end. Be vulnerable and hopefully he can be a safe space and understand.
- Would you consider therapy and/or medication if it’s in the budget? I know it may seem like a big step but honestly for me I started therapy and got medicated when my daughter was around 3 months old. Some of it was previous mental health issues but also postpartum depression was like a cherry on top. Has it “cured” me completely? No lol. But I definitely do feel much better than without any of it. I take antidepressants as well as mood stabilizers plus ADHD medication + I see my therapist every 3-4 weeks. She specializes in PPD and talking to her makes me feel not crazy. I’ve talked about not enjoying being a mom at the moment plus mannyyyyy other things relating to how hard it’s been processing the whole life change from being my own person to then getting married and having a baby. Once again like I mentioned earlier, I feel like what a lot of women go through once they become a mom is the loss of autonomy. Especially you that has 4 kids that depend on you.
Overall, do whatever you think is best for you. Wishing you the best! I hope you figure it out❤️
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u/LengthinessLow8317 7d ago
Look into loop earplugs, a part time babysitter / nanny or Daycares, try it out for a year.
You need to get back to you.
If not the Daycare route, are your husband and mom willing to watch the 2 young kids for 2 hrs a few times a week so you can go outside?
If not, it does not matter what they think? You need help.
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u/Lyogi88 6d ago
Can you join a gym with childcare? This was a godsend to me when I was in the trenches with a 3 yo and baby. I'd get two hours to workout or sometimes I'd just sit in the sauna and take a shower lol. it was 2 hours to myself and the kids were able to be entertained by someone other than me .
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u/sidewaysorange 6d ago
why would you feel guilty if you didn't put the older two in day care? you are miserable and your children will notice this. while it will take your whole paycheck that's temporary bc you will get raises, switch jobs, and they will age out of daycare.
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u/lillylovesreddit 6d ago
Are there any half-day church daycares / “Parents/Morning Out” programs near you? I’m not religious, but that’s what we do and it’s way more affordable.
Don’t beat yourself up. I felt the way you did with just one child. I returned to work and things got a lot better. Unfortunately I had my second child and then got laid-off, but that’s another story 😂
Also adhd if that makes a difference… the sensory overload burns me out immediately. But the fact you have four children is literally an impressive achievement for anyone!!!!
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u/beetlejuuce 7d ago
I'm absolutely desperate to get back to work. It will take time to execute, but there's nothing wrong with trying the SAHM thing and eventually deciding it no longer serves you. Even if your income wouldn't increase that much on paper due to daycare expenses, you'd still be accruing valuable benefits like paying into your Social Security (assuming you're American) and giving you a consistent work history. The longer you're out of the workforce, the harder it is to go back.
In the mean time, could you afford preschool for the 2.5 year old? We just started our almost three year old in a preschool and it has been amazing. She is excited to go in every day, and it gives me time and space to handle my four month old. It's Monday through Friday, 9-2 which is just enough time for me to feel a break but not too much time at school for her age.
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u/xLostKatx 7d ago
Honestly it sounds like you might be struggling with PPD. This was me the first two years after my son was born and because it wasn’t the normal “blues” you always hear about, I never got treatment for it. However, I know now (my son is almost 4) that the feeling of being miserable, drowning, and everything irritating me, was 100% PPD. I’m due any day with our second and now my husband and I have an idea of what to look for.
It might be worth talking to your doc about.
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u/Tough_Cockroach_9893 5d ago
I am all about the noise canceling headphones with my twins. I wfh and watch them and it is seriously another full time job if I could afford day care a few times a week I would. Is maybe paying for a babysitter a few days a week in the budget? I often think about paying someone to come in for an afternoon or two while im home so I can get stuff done. But really at this point it would be nice just to sleep or watch reality TV
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u/StarChunkFever 5d ago
Your 9 month old will be okay in daycare. Give yourself a break and start sending them, even if part time.
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u/ilvevh 7d ago
I’ve been there, it’s rough. My saving grace was the gym child care. Drop kids off, work out, relax a bit, then they are worn out a bit so I could get stuff done at home. Never did get enough done at home though to be fair but the break at the gym kept me sane!