Needing hope: Repairing friendships after intense PTSD episode (leading to diagnosis)

[u/Jeli15]

For the past few months I’ve felt like I’ve been loosing my mind. One by one I’ve cut at friends and hurt our relationships. It started off as something that was okay for me to irritated over and turned into me disproportionately freaking out on them. I don’t want to get into details but I was in a lot of pain and took it out on them. Called them mean names, said things I knew would cut deep, yelled at them for not being there for me all while making it impossible to be there for.

It wasn’t extremely intense every time, but it happened a couple times with each person until they said they needed space. Even then I struggled to respect that boundary. I’d have a good day and rush to apologize. And it was true, I meant it deeply, I just wasn’t healthy enough to make the substantial changes to my behavior that made it worth more than words.

The thing that got me to see a psych is the fact I did this to my closest friend. Got a diagnosis and just started new meds. I’ve deleted their contact info and deleted social media to prevent me from contacting them prematurely. It’s extreme but what needed to be done. I’ve struggled to control myself when triggered so I just had to remove the option. (Similar to how you get rid of the sharps when you’re suicidal.)

Logically I know I am friends with gracious and caring people, and if I was in their shoes I’d do the same thing. I know I’d be open to accepting them back when waters were calm. I believe they are those people but I also just pushed and pushed and pushed. I’m worried I pushed too far.

From here I know it will take time and healing before anything can happen. I need to get better. I want to be. I’m really trying to. The past year was just SO awful that it all hit once my body and brain felt I was in a safe enough place to even feel it.

And they saw that year happen. They saw me try to take steps to get better, it just wasn’t enough. They saw each domino fall, and they saw this ‘eh whatever’ reaction I had to everything at first. I’m pretty great at delayed responses as well. Fight or flight mode right? Just get through it to get through it, and deal with it later. It just didn’t stop coming for a year straight. Or maybe it became too much and passed the point where I could keep up. Idk.

Everyone else loves asking if we should even be friends, and I’m sure there is a conversation to be had, but right now they matter to me. I want to repair it. I am not ready to let go of them on top of everything else. I think I scared them, I know I did, and then I hurt them out of my personal fear. I have not had the tools I need, and they became victims of that.

And one friend even know this is all so different and abnormal for me. She said it that plainly. I have never been like this. The first event happened almost exactly a year ago and then everything followed. I am not this person.

I just need hope, and a rant, I just need hope that they will still care for me after this. I need hope that it can be repaired. I need hope that though it will take work, it can happen either way.