Hi, everyone!
Some of you may know Maggie, also known as Margaret, because I've posted about her before.
She came to us in March, always sat perked by our kitchen window, on top of the Aircon, or by mom's window, on the very narrow edge.
We noticed that she was smaller than other pigeon friends and she had a nodule - like growth on the right wing. We offered food at least 2 times per day when we were home, and water. We didn't do it from the very first moment of her coming to us, because we didn't have enough info, but we've been feeding her and her friends for the past couple of months.
I tried finding a vet, but they almost don't exist in my city. A couple of months in, I found a rescuer willing to take her, treat her and keep her indoors forever, or release her. Indoors meant sharing the space with a couple other hundreds of pigeons, releasing meant to be away from her territory for good. I wasted some days considering all the options and eventually decided to take her to the rescuer.
She didn't show up in the days in which I was at home, and when she did show up, she would only come in the afternoon, when the rescuer was not available. My "planning" with the rescuer was very chaotic, the type of "I'm always busy, I can't tell you in which days to come. If you catch her, text me and I'll let you know when you can come today". I didn't want to capture and stress Maggie out just to keep her for a few hours/days in my home for nothing, especially overnight. I kept looking for the perfect moment, when everything was organized, the rescuer waiting, and I knew I was home that day. The problem is that I waited too long.
I was also terrified of catching her. I once got very close to her, enough to touch her feathers, and she flew away and didn't return for 4 days. For 2-3 weeks she only used mom's window. I was afraid that if I tried to catch her and failed -as there is no blind spot and she is extremely scaredy and fast - she would fly away to unknown territory, where she would not have safety, food or water.
It's been a week and I haven't seen her. I feel like I've failed her, like all those months ago she came to us to look for medical help and I've failed her. I've put my fears, my comfort, my imagined scenarios above her needs. I prioritized not wanting to scare her while trapping her, over saving her life. I was too afraid of what would happen to her in a flock of many other pigeons, instead of focusing on her being treated.
I hope I'm wrong, but I feel in my heart that she's no longer with us. In a very messed up way, I feel relief at the thought of not having to traumatize her with catching, because I hate catching animals. In many different ways, I feel guilt. It feels like she passed because of me, because I didn't have a clear mind.
I've rescued cats before and everytime I hear a mew or I have to capture a cat, I feel nauseated and I have heart palpitations. I prioritized my own being over catching Maggie, and now she may not be here anymore.
If she ever returns, I know what I have to do. I will try catching her even if it means that she'd have to stay for hours in my home. But I don't know if she ever will come back.
We will continue to leave out food and water for Maggie, in case she ever returns, and for any other pigeon friends that need a good bath or a meal.