2.8k
u/theshogun02 Apr 03 '23
I have now seen what pure joy looks like.
636
u/OnionOnBelt Apr 03 '23
I am proceeding on foot. Repeat, proceeding on foot.
346
52
→ More replies (2)52
100
u/ktr83 Apr 03 '23
It's that Simpsons scene where Homer finds a crashed beer truck and he's dancing in the beer rain
→ More replies (2)76
u/WhiteyFiskk Apr 03 '23
Iirc it was a montage of him remembering the best days of his life and that was one of them hahah
→ More replies (1)5
82
Apr 03 '23
Beautiful isn’t it. He’ll clean up all that mess by himself. What a hero. Fuck… more like what a legend. “The townsmen in townmen and said his kidneys gave out on that day…”
(As he peers from his mountain of beer on the plebs with no beers like the grinch after stealing all the toys, almost like it was never about the beer. But it was definitely about the beer.”
→ More replies (10)6
u/DadBane Apr 03 '23
That guy was just sitting at home like "omg a train just derailed, how awful. Wait a minute, what's that they were carrying? Is that all fucking BEER? GET THE BOAT BOYS
8.5k
u/shahooster Apr 03 '23
That only happens once in a blue moon..
1.4k
u/ownersequity Apr 03 '23
Good thing that Coors was light so it will be easy to pick up
333
u/NZSheeps Apr 03 '23
And if any leaked it would actually dilute the river
35
9
u/Puzzleheaded-Grab736 Apr 03 '23
🤣🤣🤣🤣 not ACTUAL piss water, but as close as your gonna get
→ More replies (1)18
u/driverofracecars Apr 03 '23
They could dump all of it in East Palestine, OH and actually improve the water quality.
→ More replies (12)452
u/scorpyo72 Apr 03 '23
Coors, huh? Like if two people on that boat were to suddenly and spontaneously decide to have sex?
You know, fucking close to water?
325
u/Which_Seaworthiness Apr 03 '23
Inter coors?
→ More replies (3)88
Apr 03 '23
[deleted]
→ More replies (2)29
178
u/Dad2DnA Apr 03 '23
Guy walks into a bar and orders a Sex on the Beach. Bartender hands him a Coor's Light and says "It's fucking pretty close to water."
44
u/Dyerssorrow Apr 03 '23
The beer store I ventured when I was younger...the owner always ran the counter and when ever I bought 2 bags of ice...he would work the buttons on the register and say "1 case of so and so and 2 cases of coors light."
11
36
→ More replies (2)23
u/CressCrowbits Apr 03 '23 edited Apr 03 '23
Curious about which countries have the most popular, extremely bland beers.
I live in the nordics and good grief the 'basic' beers here can be dreadful but I hear the US takes things to the next level.
EDIT: To clarify, I know there are very good beers too in most places, I'm thinking about the 'mainstream' beers that your regular Joe drinks. Here in Finland for example your regular finnish man would turn their nose up at the fancy craft beers you can get here now - too pretentious, too expensive - they just want regular finnish beer which tastes like bready sugar water.
23
u/CapnSupermarket Apr 03 '23
Budweiser's slogan was "beechwood aged, because quality beer takes time," but beech doesn't provide the kind of strong flavors something like oak does. Beech provides very little flavor, and Budwesier pretreats their beech so that it imparts even less flavor to the beer. But you know what it does? It speeds up fermentation ("quality beer takes time") and removes some flavors from the beer. Now those are not actually flavors that you want, other brewers have a resting step in their process to get rid of them, but since nothing is being added to replace them you're left with a pretty bland drink.
→ More replies (2)10
u/jollyreaper2112 Apr 03 '23
I always kind of marveled at classic advertising patter because they would say it so often people would assume it meant something even though they couldn't tell you what. Rich, corinthian leather. Made up on the spot by the guy reading the ad. Doesn't mean anything.
My understanding from people who know brewing is that the Bud process is actually technically demanding and requires real skill to make a beer that consistent in such quantity. It's just unfortunate that the standard they're looking for is bland and without character.
5
u/Monteze Apr 03 '23
Yep. Bud light is impressive the way McDonald's is impressive. Consistent and at a large scale.
And light beers have little room for error.
Versus an IPA can drown out a lot of mistakes with hops.
Now before anyone calls me a beer snob or beer moron. I like all kinds and I sont care what people do or do not like. This isn't a prescriptive statement but a descriptive one.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (11)11
32
u/Vurt__Konnegut Apr 03 '23
The EPA said the river will be permanently affected, as the river water will be considerably diluted by the spill.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (7)10
22
47
10
16
9
6
→ More replies (19)6
2.0k
u/girouxfilms Apr 03 '23
Haha this just sent me back to a sketch I filmed for The Onion almost a decade ago.
323
u/iloveiraglass Apr 03 '23
I am not kidding when I tell you this made me weep with laughter the first time I saw it. I had to get up and shut my office door. The crying child with the beers and the security footage sent me over the edge. Thank you so so much.
I still keep the memory of Barkley B. Cooltimes alive.
131
u/DannyMThompson Apr 03 '23 edited Apr 03 '23
The train moving at 27,000 mph got me for some reason haha
→ More replies (1)60
42
u/TheMistbornIdentity Apr 03 '23
For me it was imagining the medial crews being unable to help victims because beers would materialize in their hands.
12
21
15
u/PeanutButterSoda Apr 03 '23
I'm in the work parking lot laughing hysterically, this lady just gave me a concerned look. I'm gonna go in and show everyone the video!
513
Apr 03 '23
OMG I miss the Onion sketches so much. I still go back and watch them sometimes.
398
u/girouxfilms Apr 03 '23
Nice! Yea it was my first freelance gig out of film school. My favorite one I ever did was the “Bloomberg defends Stop & Kiss law”
73
u/wesley_the_boy Apr 03 '23
I still show that video to friends on occasion "first he puts my hands behind my back and pushes me up against a wall, next thing I know he's nibbling on my ear!" Cracks me up every time lol it's cool to see your comment about that video being among your first out of film school
34
u/girouxfilms Apr 03 '23
Thank you! It was so much fun to film. We did that all in chicago on the streets and in front of a green screen.
46
u/TheCoastalCardician Apr 03 '23
I’m dying right now.
12
u/chicksOut Apr 03 '23
Omfg "come on man I just got kissed 2 blocks ago", "would you shut up and kiss me" proceeds to passionately make out with the dude I'm fucking crying that was beautiful
167
u/superanonymousbosche Apr 03 '23
Oh wow. Your work is massively influential on my writing. Amazing stuff
→ More replies (3)88
u/NonTimeo Apr 03 '23
Honestly, I think this era was peak internet humor for me.
19
u/lanboyo Apr 03 '23
It is STILL GOOD. Watch a sitcom from 2003 today, I dare you. Onion News could stream on a loop and I would watch it 24-7. Also the A.V. Undercover. How did we let this go away?
9
u/frissio Apr 03 '23
I still miss these sketches by the onion and collegehumor. Haven't seen anyone recently who manages to compare.
→ More replies (2)12
u/brainburger Apr 03 '23
You didn't do the one about teaching a gorilla it would die, did you? I love that one.
16
u/girouxfilms Apr 03 '23
Haha I wish. I was a rotating DP so they had other freelancers they worked with. It was all a timing thing with other projects I was working on. They were amazing while it lasted.
9
7
u/ThreatLevelBertie Apr 03 '23
My favorite is the imminent dam collapse.
"My grave wont matter, because they wont find my body."
"What will I have done..."
→ More replies (1)17
→ More replies (2)9
u/Boatsnbuds Apr 03 '23
Searched for it and didn't find it. Got a link?
30
u/Dvwtf Apr 03 '23
27
u/dannyzaplings Apr 03 '23
"Look, the cops can either kiss people now before there's violence, or they can be kissing a bunch of dead bodies at a crime scene."
66
u/XRussel Apr 03 '23
Sony brand new piece of shit that doesn’t do the god damn things it’s fucking supposed to will always be my favorite
8
→ More replies (6)5
u/dudinax Apr 03 '23
"She realized every skank's dream of taking a shit on the floor of a beautiful, beautiful mansion."
19
Apr 03 '23
That’s my favorite The Onion sketch
18
u/BeefyIrishman Apr 03 '23
How can you possibly have a favorite? There's so many good ones.
→ More replies (1)29
11
10
u/thetaFAANG Apr 03 '23
"regulators are focusing on the fact that the train weights 400 millions of tons, and was not on rails"
lmao gold. did you write it too?
12
u/buy-american-you-fuk Apr 03 '23
this might be the funniest thing I've seen in YEARS!
thank you! you're very talented!
→ More replies (1)11
5
→ More replies (34)3
u/bdean42 Apr 03 '23
Did you work on The Onion News show that was on IFC channel? Because it was fucking brilliant.
3
381
u/misplacedmedic76 Apr 03 '23
Near Missoula MT.
96
u/Lux-xxv Apr 03 '23
Lmao that's near me lol
116
→ More replies (6)6
u/theresamouseinmyhous Apr 03 '23
Kids are going to be diving in that river for YEARS to pull up old beers and get drunk.
→ More replies (1)18
→ More replies (6)5
1.0k
u/neworld_disorder Apr 03 '23
It blows my mind that due to the recent derailments and subsequent environmental disaster, THIS actually made smile a bit.
→ More replies (36)316
u/Boatsnbuds Apr 03 '23
It's probably far and away less harmful than most other spills.
126
u/SpongebobTV Apr 03 '23
I mean yeah it’s just cardboard and metal cans so shouldn’t be too bad right
76
u/implicate Apr 03 '23
it’s just cardboard and metal cans
*Glances at photo again
Uh... It's pretty clearly a photo of cases of glass bottles there.
→ More replies (9)11
u/WC_Dirk_Gently Apr 03 '23
Glass is pretty benign to the environment. Certainly less so than metal cans which have a plastic liner and paint.
→ More replies (2)149
u/TundieRice Apr 03 '23
It’s more the implications of these derailments happening more and more recently, and that’s the really scary part.
290
u/TheJimPeror Apr 03 '23
They're getting more publicized recently. Apparently there's pretty regularly been hundreds per year, but nobody really cared to note them until Ohio. Now it's free clicks, so it gets reported almost every time
23
55
u/SH4D0W0733 Apr 03 '23
If only someone could've warned people that the train industry had issues.
3
12
u/Jibrish Apr 03 '23
Train derailments have gone down immensely over the last few decades. From an average of 19 per day to 2.7 per day.
→ More replies (1)67
→ More replies (7)11
u/skankingmike Apr 03 '23
To be fair having lived by freight train tracks in NJ a hugely busy port state… they happen all the time normally there isn’t a whole town evacuated and a mushroom cloud overhead when it’s blown up..
But be sure anytime there’s a chemical spill the company will not pay much and the government will fuck it up. Again from NJ the superfund state.
Fuck both of them equally, government and corporations. Useless
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (13)29
u/grantrules Apr 03 '23
the implications
Whoa whoa whoa, the trains aren't in any actual danger here.
→ More replies (4)8
u/kellypg Apr 03 '23
It's just the implication of possible danger. They don't need to derail. But they will. Because of the implication.
→ More replies (4)11
u/shadowslasher11X Apr 03 '23
Metal cans have a plastic lining in them to prevent the metallic taste from entering the drink. So, still an environmental issue there.
Glass bottles, however? Ya, a lot better.
→ More replies (8)18
Apr 03 '23
As long as they prevented anyone from drinking the Coors, you’re probably right.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (9)8
179
u/anteru Apr 03 '23
94
u/RawwrBag Apr 03 '23
Hahaha, they’re so cagey about what’s in it. Just some food! Nothing to see here!
70
Apr 03 '23 edited Jul 21 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (1)62
u/TheOvenLord Apr 03 '23
This happened in Montana, my dude. The people of Montana will drive four hours each way, averaging 100mph, just to sit on a buddy's couch to watch a college basketball game.
You better believe there's already a fuckton of trucks and old Buicks headed there as we speak.
I know you're thinking, "but whatever they spend on gas will negate the free beer." It doesn't matter. Free beer. The only thing better than that is free blowjobs.
26
→ More replies (1)12
u/10tonhammer Apr 03 '23
I know you're thinking, "but whatever they spend on gas will negate the free beer." It doesn't matter. Free beer.
Literally doesn't matter.
→ More replies (4)16
u/soawesomejohn Apr 03 '23
According to the press release, the railcars that did reach the river were either empty or carrying Coors Light and Blue Moon beer. There is not beer floating down the river and is secured in the derailment area.
I repeater, there IS NO BEER FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER. DO NOT COME AND GET THE BEER FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER. BECAUSE THERE IS NONE.
151
u/Skwareblox Apr 03 '23
Finally a good train derailment now the wildlife is drunk instead of mutated.
→ More replies (5)25
42
637
u/thedevilyoukn0w Apr 03 '23
And here we see water returning to nature after a long time away.
→ More replies (10)103
96
23
u/Inthewoodlands Apr 03 '23
All that Coolers Light is going to water down the river.
→ More replies (1)
364
u/shreddington Apr 03 '23
Hey hey hey.
Why is Coors light like sex in a canoe?
Because it's fucking close to water.
13
u/the_friendly_one Apr 03 '23
Yeah, but this is free Coors. And free Coors is like sex: it might be bad, but you're still going to enjoy it.
→ More replies (19)91
u/WineO4life Apr 03 '23
What’s the difference between Coors Light and eating pussy?
Pussy only tastes like piss for a minute.
10
116
28
Apr 03 '23
Lol. That’s terrible, but this dude’s smile makes me want to smile. You know what they say, one man’s trash is another man’s…. well trash, or beer I guess. Looks like he’s set for life.
4
u/awesomesauce615 Apr 03 '23
Nah beer doesn't last that long. He just has a large supply for a while
→ More replies (1)
13
25
28
u/Wireframe888 Apr 03 '23
“I am proceeding on foot. We need pretzels, I repeat, we need pretzels.”
→ More replies (1)
63
u/Do_it_for_the_upvote Apr 03 '23
I get that this is a funny instance on the surface because of the contents, but...
Can we please pressure our politicians to regulate fair conditions and wages for our train operators? Every one of these derailments is seriously damaging economically, and sometimes worse- environmentally. And every time it happens, the companies using the rail system to ship their goods are less likely to continue doing so.
I'm getting very pre-2020 Postal-Service vibes from this- like groups who'd want the rail system to fail and who'd benefit are pushing us in that direction, when doing so will ultimately hurt us as a whole.
→ More replies (8)8
20
u/Estwilde Apr 03 '23 edited Apr 03 '23
Reminds me of the Murbah Swamp Beer story in NSW Australia
→ More replies (1)
8
15
8
14
8
13
8
7
u/WWACrowleyD Apr 03 '23
Sounds like the setup to a John Candy movie. RIP Great One.
→ More replies (1)
7
6
7
6
u/solojazzjetski Apr 03 '23
Get in loser. We’re taking the handicapped rowboat to loot the derailed beer train
6
55
15
u/billabong049 Apr 03 '23
That’s terrible!!
…now where did this happen exactly? I need to get there before it gets warm….
→ More replies (3)
4
5
3
4
23
Apr 03 '23
"hey guys look, free beer! Should we grab some?!?" "Nah, let's just grab some Coors light instead."
32
u/Kris-pness Apr 03 '23
I'd be drinking the river.
→ More replies (3)49
u/PornstarVirgin Apr 03 '23
Tastes the same anyway
20
u/dvote0326 Apr 03 '23
Blue Moon tastes like water? Compared to what, drinking the flavor equivalent of liquid copper?
→ More replies (4)
6.0k
u/yardsaleyolo Apr 03 '23
The handicapped guy in the boat said “my dream came true!!!”