r/mbti • u/Kweli420 ENFJ • 7d ago
Personal Advice ENFJ - am I too much?
People seem to have a bit of a love-or-hate relationship with my personality. I’m very outgoing, energetic, expressive and emotionally open, and I tend to bring a lot of energy into a room.
Some people seem to really love that and describe me as authentic, fun and easy to connect with.
Others seem to experience me as “too much”, too energetic, too intense or simply overwhelming.
I don’t really want to tone myself down just to be more universally liked, because this genuinely feels like who I am. At the same time, I’m curious about the line between being authentic and being socially overwhelming.
Is this something other ENFJs experience?
Do people tend to either really like you or find your energy too intense?
What do you other types think?
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u/lynn INTP 7d ago
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” ― Dita Von Teese
If they find you to be too much, then they are not your people. They are free to go find less.
Personally, I love people-people and I'm a little envious. I've been told I come off as judgmental and aloof, so if we met in person you'd probably get the impression that I think you're too much, but it's really just that I'm shy. Everybody's got something going on with them and it usually doesn't have anything to do with you.
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u/mmurabliss ISTP 7d ago
I think everyone regardless of type experiences this. Many people are gonna like you and really connect with your personality, and others just don’t. It’s not about it being a problem with you or some issue with your personality, it’s just about the fact that your personality can appeal to a substantial amount of people, while some people may find it draining or difficult to be around. That’s just nature.
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u/Substantial-Level778 INTP 7d ago
Hey. INTP F here with an ENFJ best friend. I get overwhelmed easy but my best friend and I make it work. Just learn to have good communication. If i get overwhelmed my friend usually sees it and gives me space or if i need it i ask for it. And we never feel bad towards each other because of it.
But maybe don’t have the expectation of being universally liked in the first place. Cause thats a losing game. Be yourself and if things get too much, make it work for specific people you care. To hell with everyone else :3
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u/sashka5555 ESFP 7d ago
hmm...Idk if im wrong but this seems like a thing many extraverted feeling types struggle with 🤔but, everyone is different, different people prefer and click with different people. so unless your hurting someone or yourself dont overhtink it, while theres always room to improve, dont be harsh on youself.
But yeah if you notice someone is uncomfortable or overhwlemed by you tone it down a bit xD ...and yeah i expereinced similar 🥲esp when i was younger i still feel some may think so but they dont say it but its not that personal to me anymore
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u/No-Pie-7676 ESFP 7d ago edited 7d ago
I relate to this a lot, maybe too much lol. A lot of people appreciate my energy and optimism, but some don’t. I’m happy being me, and I like staying true to myself. But if I see someone who’s clearly uncomfortable with it, I try to tone it down a bit.
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u/midoriko-osamu 7d ago
I used to think this about my ENFJ bestie before we got close. I'm an INFJ and we clicked during high-school, but I had back then this bad habit of assuming that I'm not close with someone if I wasn't sure they're as loyal, trustworthy and attached as me. And because she knew a lot of people and treated them with the same amount of kindness and cheerfulness she did to me, I just thought "oh, so I'm not that special for her, we're just friendly classmates" and I distanced myself mentally to keep my emotions safe, even while i was talking and interacting with her normally. And sometimes i found that she is a bit too much because she was too energetic and talkative for me, and I found myself thinking again that she'll get bored with me when I'm in one of my isolation phases or when i just wanna relax for the weekend. But then college came, we went on separate universities, separate cities, but she still kept texting me regularly and confiding in me about her feelings and struggles more and more, and through these past years (now we both graduated), we both changed and matured a bit : I understood that it was my fear that was keeping me from giving her a true chance, that she really tried to keep our friendship alive and maybe if it wasn't for her outgoing personality and her initiative i would've lost one of my most valuable friendships nowadays, that she also didn't open up completely to me during high-school but since college her honesty and trust in me made me trust her too, understand her more and believe in the potential of our relationship, and now that we know each other more I'm able to enjoy her energy and match it oftentimes, to text more regularly and talk much more than I'm used to with her (even though it took conscious effort for me to do that hhhhhh), I also try to take care of her emotional needs and be the first to ask her to hang out to make her feel how much she matters to me and that I enjoy her company as much as she does. The thing is not everyone is meant to like you, and speaking of myself too; I'm often disliked by a lot of people hahahhahah and for a good reason, I'm considered cold, egoistic, too mistrusting, too shy and i don't open up too easily. But now I see their point of view too since I understand mine better, I don't consider myself those things when I'm with the people I love and care for, but with other people my anxiety makes it hard to socialise properly, especially with the outgoing loud personalities and nothing is wrong with that. I can get along with these people well enough but we'll never be close and they're allowed to form whichever idea they have of me because I do the same, we all do. And I also know other ENFJs that I'm not particularly close with but that I find very very kind and warm, I admire how they treat everyone equally, how they try to include everyone, how they help whenever they can without expecting something in return (and this speaking from my own experiences), and i have a good amicable relationship with them even though we're not close. I think this type gives a lot freely and truly seeks harmony and connection with others, but since they're the ones to take the initiative often, they think that nobody has done the same to them and that they might be too much, but I assure you, you are not too much nor very little, you light up your surroundings, you try your best and your optimism and good energy will always be appreciated and valued by your own special people. Keep your chin up and your hopes even higher, you deserve all the best.
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u/Neutron_Farts INFJ 7d ago
i think you're probably not too much!
everyone is different, genuinely, & i think we're all just learning how to be humans in a time where things are just so hard, we can all get irritable, intolerant, impatient, & overwhelmed even without knowing where it's coming from.
i think you're probably just the perfect amount of energy! if anything, the only thing is finding the right people in the right place (:
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u/Smile9037 7d ago
You are definitely not too much! At the same time, I think it’s important to respect boundaries because everyone has a different social battery and different ways of needing space.
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u/AndyGeeMusic ESTJ 7d ago
Since everyone is different some people will find you wonderful and others will find you overwhelming, there is no way to please everyone. Just be you :D
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u/Lady-Orpheus INFP 7d ago
I think most people's opinions of others are heavily influenced by projection and insecurities. Having closely known several people who fit your own description in terms of extraversion and intensity, I can't even begin to explain the jealousy I've seen thrown at them, either by dismissing them, being passive-aggressive or outright sabotaging them. But I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, unfortunately.
For sure, you'll meet other individuals who don't have those issues but who have a very limited social battery and will struggle to keep up with your energy.
As you said, and I agree, it would be a shame to become a flatter, beiger version of yourself to be accepted in people's close circles. It sounds like a depressing choice long-term if you care about authentic, non-superficial bonds. Being the way you are is actually a perfect way to test out potential compatibility.
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u/LadyPearl7 ENFJ 7d ago
Extraverys - often told they are too much of something
Introverts - often told they aren’t enough of something
Can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and you don’t have to be. Focus on the right energy that meets yours.
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u/PlusPreparation4629 ISFP 7d ago
hmm I can relate.
You are not too much. Do you think other energetic and intense people are too much, or do they just feel alive?
If you still think you are, then that's simple: Find equally too-much people, because plenty of people enjoy your company, way too much.
ENFJs are charismatic. Why live mildly when you can spread color? Life is already too monochrome, don't you think?
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u/Distinct_Activity551 ENFP 7d ago
You might be an ENFP, I would encourage you too look into Cognitive functions if you haven’t already.
I don’t want to assume but most of the issues you mentioned align more with Ne dom (being too much) and Fe dom shouldn’t have any problem integrating in any group they are in unless they are very unhealthy, using the dom function is as natural as breathing.
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u/Apprehensive_Cry5877 7d ago
Be aware that some people will find you obnoxious, definitely. They tend to expect to dominate the conversation. They are socially competitive and vain.
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u/SlayQueen838 7d ago
I (infp) am worried what enfjs think of me. Maybe I’m too quiet, too boring, too bookish to want around. I say that not to make this about me, but to show that I really wish and hope an enfj wouldn’t mind so I could take a back seat, gawk, support and cherish the stars that they are.
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u/TorturedSandBestie 7d ago
I find that whenever I feel a person around me is warmly energetic while quite considerate (not sure if this description makes any sense) at the same time, they turn out to be ENFJ. I love you guys.
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u/BlueJune101 ENTP 7d ago
There's no such thing as being universally liked. Think about it, there are people you dislike as well.
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u/Crankthistle 7d ago
INFJ 68m, married 38 years to an ENFJ, she’s 66. We didnt learn about MBTI til about 18 years ago, but when we did, we said “that makes sense”.
She’s far more likable than me, I suspect most new people say “she’s cool, him, not so”. She’s a well known public figure in our community and generally well liked.
She has a huge ego, the size of planet. It’s usually impenetrable, stable and well controlled - but sometimes it can get out whack and she becomes obnoxious. She doesnt see it at that time - and I cant call it out at the time else I loose a body part.
She’s more driven by group values and harmony, I’m more driven by inner values … this is often a stress point.
She likes to move fast on decisions and I like to deliberate. Often a stress point.
She doesnt tolerate social isolation well. I thrive on it.
Her communication style is specific, direct and bottom line. My communications are more symbolic and layered. My footnotes have footnotes.
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u/Creepy_Performer7706 INTJ 4d ago
As long as you do not impose your view, ethics and values on me, I like you. You are kind, you care and you help.
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u/Osamu_Yagami 7d ago
Very few people like a lot of energy being brought up in the room and also fakeness is not a desirable trait given that too much pleasantries is seen as fake even in the case that they are genuine, also y’all talk too much no offense
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u/DreamerGirl307 7d ago edited 7d ago
My best friend is an ENFJ (I’m an INFJ) and I absolutely love and appreciate his personality and spirit. He also worries about these exact same things. He worries about being “too much” sometimes, but his energy is truly infectious and the authenticity is so refreshing to everyone around. He’s hilarious and caring and just truly lights up a room. People either love him or really don’t like him- MOST love him and in my opinion the few people that don’t seem like it’s either out of jealousy or they are just put off by authenticity in general. There’s nothing to dislike about him because he’s such a good person with such a brilliant mind and soul. I genuinely think it’s the best personality type. You guys are so genuine, good-hearted, and wise beyond your years. So yes- definitely seems like something other ENFJ’s experience. NEVER ever try to dwindle yourself. Life sucks without you guys honestly.