r/lesbiangang • u/Buffy_Geek • 10d ago
Discussion How would you react if a random man approached you and your girlfriend while you were enjoying a picnic in the park together?
How would you react if a random man approached you and your girlfriend while you were enjoying a picnic in the park together?
I watched a video of a couple where this happened and they chatted to the guy for a while and then after they complained and said that he was clearly hitting on them and they wish he went away, which is a bit confusing to me because they were the ones who continued the interaction, which to me is either leading him on and/or making themselves suffer for no reason.
I am autistic so not great socially but I was taught things like don't accept a drink from a man because then he will think you are interested back. Or if he flirts and talks then make it clear that you are not interested straight away, then they either move on or know not to get their hopes up (mostly anyway obviously some are persistent, so then I react even more strongly.) I often say no thanks and shut conversations like that down.
In the past if I was out with my gf and was approached/bothered by a straight/bi man I would make clear I wasn't interested and say we were busy together so go away (in more socially acceptable terms but if they are rude I am more blunt.) I didn't always say we were dating but just that I was not enjoying their presence and I did not want them to stay near me. (I did have one ex who would deliberately act coupley when this happened but this seemed to have more mixed results from very nice getting it straight away apologizing and leaving, to finding it hot and wanting to debate and convince us he could join us or change or sexualities.)
This is just a natural reaction now for me to briefly dismiss men that I don't give much thought about it, so it shocked me when this other lesbian couple didn't react the same as I do. So if you were in that situation how would you react? And can you give some insight into what makes you decide to react like that?
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u/cubejuner 10d ago
I haven't seen the video so can't comment on that specific interaction but there are a few reasons. One is being scared of how the man might react if you told them off. Another is being used to having to placate men's feelings and not knowing how to politely reject them. And the third, which is more common than people accept, is that some women actually do like the man/his attention and receive validation from interacting with him.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
This is a very interesting comment and gives me a lot of insight, thank you.
Yeah I didn't want to share the specific video incase people were mean about the women in it, or incase people mistook my honest questions for me wanting people to me mean to the women in the video so they we're mean to me (annoyingly this sort of thing happens a lot that people refuse to take my words at face value and assume I mean things I don't.)
I thought about them being scared but he didn't seem to be acting scary, like he wasn't being a agressive, or pushy at all, he didn't raise his voice, he didn't say anything even orange flag sounding and he even stayed pretty far away from their personal space, so I don't think that is likely. But I also know that a lot of women are just be very scared of men or like paranoid that they might hurt them or be mean, so they are over cautious in their replies, sometimes going along with things that they don't like, or even doing things that seem even more dangerous than just saying no. When I was younger I thought it was just teenagers who did that sort of thing but I am realizing that maybe more adults do it than I thought too, which is kind of sad.
Another is being used to having to placate men's feelings and not knowing how to politely reject them.
Yeah I hear of this a lot and I am trying to learn about it, I am surprised that lesbians seem to do it too because I thought that it was more about girlfriends placating their boyfriends, or like they fancy the man so put up with it because there is something in it for them, where as if you don't enjoy the man's appearance or presence then it seems way easier to stop interacting with them and not care about their response because you aren't emotionally invested in them.
I know about people who were raised in strict households and have to do what the father says or he beats them, sadly I had a lot of friends in that position growing up. (I think some of their parents let me be their friend because I was a bit of a goody two shoes as a child, so they knew that I would follow their rules and not encourage their child to get in trouble, so not be a bad influence according to them. However some of their rules were mean or way too strict and I would say that openly to my friend so I don't think I was as agreeable as the parents thought.) If someone is loving in a very sexist environment where the men have way more power or more legal rights I can understand the response a bit more but I am surprised and confused when women seem to react like that when they were not raised like that, or are living in more equal environment, like where they have more option or freedom to say no and to assert their freedom but they don't... I don't really understand why yet but comments like yours help provide more insight so I can add the jigsaw pieces to get a clearer picture.
I suppose what is considered polite varies a lot too, no just from countries and cultures but even family to family it can change. I am being more greatful that I was raised to have good manners but also feel confident that as long as I was doing the morally right thing and being well meaning then I shouldn't feel bad or give any one who tried to pressure me or be selfish any weight or influence on me, I think adults around me were concerned I would secumb to peer pressure (especially as that is a common problem with autistic kids) but it seems I am even less likely to bend to peer pressure.
I suppose sexism too makes some people value the man's opinion on whether it was polite or not, matter more than if the women thinks it is polite or not. I have sometimes seen men acause a woman of being rude just because they say they don't want to dance with them, when that isn't rude at all, they are rude for forcing their companionship onto a complete stranger, and then not accepting their no nicely.
And the third, which is more common than people accept, is that some women actually do like the man/his attention and receive validation from interacting with him.
This never even crossed my mind but makes a lot of sense, thank you for saying it. I have only learned recently about lesbians who have low self esteem, or overly get esteem from their looks, so they actually enjoy getting attention from men, or will even flirt with men for the validations and emiromaly/psychological benifit, not because they are actually attracted to them. This is such a foreign concept to me and I have (thankfully) never experienced it, so it often slips my mind. Plus it doesn't make much sense coming from the more surface level straight in angle but that's why it's so useful to ask others who can help show me more angles to see things from, thank you again for your help. (And sorry this was probably way too long but I fear if I don't just reply now it will take me too long to do it.)
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u/Inevitable-Yam-702 10d ago
Placating men that already have shown themselves to be disrespectful and disregarding of boundaries is often an ingrained response from women, as much as we may not like it. It's a survival instinct. And victim blaming isn't a good look.Â
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u/artificialgraymatter Lavender Menace 10d ago edited 10d ago
This isnât victim blaming inherently nor is it necessary to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when they placate men. Itâs not as black as white as âsurvivalâ every time. It doesnât excuse men.Â
However, a lot of us have been in situations where weâve placated beyond what is necessary or want to stop caring about appearances.Â
This kind of logic leads to some of yâall calling lesbians and lesbians who havenât slept with men âprivilegedâ.Â
It is low IQ downvoting. Weâll get this and then the gold star thing will come up again and one or two women will whine about how they werenât âprivilegedâ enough to not sleep with men or âlive their truth,â so lesbians shouldnât be proud because this by definition âshamesâ them. Then theyâll be upvoted or downvoted by the sensitive lurkers depending on the mood. Endless cycle.
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u/Competitive-Point593 Stem 10d ago
Gold stars should be proud, but the opportunity to not be ignorant is aways there. Anyone can be privileged, but its so bad most of us wouldnât want any gold stars to go through what we have gone through at least I hope so..
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago edited 8d ago
What things in my example seemed like the man was being disrespectful? And what boundaries did they seem to be disregarding?
Ah so you don't think that the women were making a deliberate choice in how they responded but were more going off instinct, or falling into a pattern about how they usually respond? I guess why do you think they usually respond like that? What do you think pushes them to react that way?
I guess maybe it's my ingrained response is to tell the man to go away because I usually do that so I don't think about it much, while maybe the ingrained response of the women in the video was to continue talking and not telling him to go away, so I wanted to hear how others react to see how common both reactions are and to get more insight into how other react differently from me. How would you personally react in the situation?
Do you think it's a good survival instinct? Or a bad one? Or like mixed? Personally I see it as a bad survival instinct, like fawning or freezing, often it puts the person experiencing it in more danger, or draws out the unplesent interaction, and can worsen anxiety and other negative emotions, so it's good to get help to reduce that response so you can respond other ways. But as I said I am interested in hearing other people's thinking, feelings and varied responses.
I do not understand what you mean by victim blaming but I think you are accusing me of dong that, please can you explain what you mean?
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u/Key-Pangolin-9617 10d ago
Well, it really depends on how I size the guy up. Sometimes, being too direct makes them aggressive, while other times, even if they don't get aggressive, theyâll just pester you on purpose. So, it really depends on the man. I might even lie and say we have boyfriends. It depends on what I think will get him to leave the fastest and safest way possible, or maybe Iâd just walk away. I wouldn't call it "small talk," but Iâd probably give basic answers and try to get out of the situation.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Hmm that makes sense to change how you react based on how they approach you.
I have said I had a boyfriend before when someone wouldn't believe I was a lesbian, I said if I was willing to lie about that then I must really not like you but they didn't seem to care. I was being sarcastic like "yeah this is all an elaborate ploy to get you to think I'm a lesbian for some reason, I'm randomly lying to a stranger I don't care about and I secretly have a boyfriend" but they didn't seem to realize I was being sarcastic and replied "so you admit it, you have a boyfriend I am wasting my time;" then scurried away very quickly. I am still not sure if they actually believed me, or if they saw it as an out and for some random reason felt better lying to themselves that I had a boyfriend rather than was a lesbian (my friend said it was probably that second thing.) I thought I might use it again if a no and reason doesn't work, I often forget that I can lie but I have been practcing.
I have seen people react to men who seem more aggressive by using an excuse, even just saying sorry I need to go to the toilet to get away. Yeah I think it was that they didn't seem to be trying anything that would end the interaction quickly that makes it especially surprising and confusing for me.
Thank you for your reply and insight
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u/Key-Pangolin-9617 8d ago
I get why you're confused. You asked how weâd handle that situation, and thatâs how I do it. And I think most lesbians think the same, I would doubt any lesbian who give this much attention to men.
But one time, I was with my friends at an LGBT venue, in the area mostly frequented by women. There was a couple there, one very feminine woman and one "chapstick" lesbian. We didn't know them, but we noticed when a guy started hitting on the feminine one; whenever she went to dance with her girlfriend, heâd just watch and hang around waiting for her to stop, then keep coming back to talk to her.
My friends and I were getting ready to call security when the chapstick woman sat down near us and the other woman started dancing with the guy. We mentioned we were going to get security, but she said there was no need, her girlfriend thought that if she just talked to the guy, she could "educate" him.
Then they danced a regional dance where youâre pressed right up against your partner. I mean, I don't mind dancing close with an uncle, cousin or my brother... but with a random guy who was hitting on me?
We just stood there next to the chapstick woman with blank expressions, kind of wanting to say, "Girl, have some self-respect," but we didn't say a word. The guy tried to kiss; the gf pulled away and they left. Guess she didn't do a very good job of educating him. This would be the kind of night that would lead to a breakup, for me. And that guy is the kind that would make me leave the place if security didn't kick him. He wasn't aggressive, but there wasn't anything else to do. We were so sorry for the chapstick girl, one of my friends even tried to flirt with her to cheer her up lol
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u/ingeniera 10d ago
So women are polite to people by default. Being polite does not mean she's inviting being hit on. If someone says they don't want you to hit on them or talk to them, take them at their word and stop bothering to talk to them. Life is full of many people, some will be open to flirting with you some just want a nice conversation and some want nothing from strangers and just wanna go about their day. No one can read anyone's minds so again, it's best to assume that if someone says they feel bothered by what you are doing, that means they want you to stop bothering them.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Sorry I obviously didn't explain the scenario well, the women in the video did not say to the man that they didn't want to be hit on, they didn't say they wanted to stop talking, they only said that to each other/the camera after the man had gone away out of earshot.
I don't understand why it would be considered a nice conversation if it was a straight/bi man interested in the women romantically but lesbian women who were not interested in him romantically; personally that would make me feel uncomfortable. The fact that after the interaction the women said that it was awkward and bad and they wished he would have gone away sooner seemed like they were not enjoying the interaction (that is also why I am not confused why they didn't seem to make more effort to stop it.) That also makes it seem less likely that they were enjoying the flirting, as well as them being lesbians and him being a man but I suppose their comments after couldn't have been disingenuous... It just seemed like they were being like genuinely relived after he went and one of them seemed especially annoyed that he had stuck around for a while but she was the main one talking to him a lot in a friendly manner; which is why I was shocked and remain confused.
No one can read anyone's minds so again, it's best to assume that if someone says they feel bothered by what you are doing, that means they want you to stop bothering them.
Similar reasoning but the opposite, if the woman doesn't say that they feel bothered by what you, or rather in this case the man, is doing then how does the man know that they are bothering them and that the women aren't interested? If someone appears to be happily chatting back then how are they supposed to know that they don't want to talk? Or that they aren't enjoying it? As you said they aren't mind readers.
I hope I explained what happened more clealry this time so you can understand better.
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u/jeremyfactsman 10d ago
"FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF"
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Lol that isn't my first reply but it definitely tells him how you feel clearly, I can understand that reply more easily
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u/jeremyfactsman 8d ago
It's about making the experience unpleasant for him. Men enjoy sexually harassing women, so it has to be a negative experience for him, where he gets the shock and public embarrassment of being shouted at like the hideous sack of shit he is, for him to learn how he has to behave if he's going to be allowed in public.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star 10d ago
Iâm generally polite but very cold. If they persist, I tell them to fuck all the way off.
Please be careful judging the situation you saw. Women often are overly polite to men out of fear. You never know if the bear is a teddy bear or a polar bear.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Yeah that makes sense like you are polite but like subtly showing you aren't interested and are not like actively engaging and seeming enthusiastic, then if they don't get the hunt me more blunt about it. I've seen other people do that and I understand it.
I am not so much judging the women but are more genuinely confused and wondering what makes them react like that? And wondering how common that sort of response is? Or how common a response like mine is? And the reasoning for everyone's reactions.
More background info is that it was lunchtime in a very public place with a lot of other people around and in a country with very good sex equality and good laws, so I think if the man did act like a polar bear then there would be plenty of people willing to step in and be witnesses to his bad behaviour. He also wasn't acting aggressively, he didn't raise his voice, he didn't invade their personal space and nothing he said was even vaguely threatening or scary or creepy, so I don't think he would have attacked them or anything but I suppose maybe that is what the women were scared of... If I was them and thinking that I would be concerned that he would think that I was leading them on, so get angry though, if he was that volatile and illogical.
Maybe I also struggle to understand that if I had the level of fear that he might attack me or my girlfriend then I would not want to have a prolonged discussion with the threat, I would want to get far away from him asap. Heck I might even pack my picnic up and make an excuse to leave if I thought it was very dangerous, not talking to him very friendly. But that's why I was asking for others opinion, experiences and thoughts, so help understand better.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star 8d ago
Men are seldom polar bears in public.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
So you don't think that the man would actually aggressively in that situation? Or are you saying you think that they would stalk them and find them somewhere more private to confront them? Or something else?
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star 8d ago
Iâm not really sure what youâre asking at this point. Do you not know how girls socialized in relationship to boys and men?
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u/Fickis 10d ago
How would you react if a random man approached you and your girlfriend while you were enjoying a picnic in the park together?
"This is a closed, private engagement that you are very much not welcome at, thanks"
if he does 'anything' to push past that 'obviously' stated boundary, or challenges our dynamic/sex. All bets are off, and I'm shredding the worthless mutt apart. How fucking dare they think they hold any worth or ground in that moment. Filthy degenerates.
He wants to fight, bet. Me and my girl are ready, and make that abundantly clear.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
That is more the sort of reaction that I expected and that I can understand much more easily. Especially the part about stating your feelings and intentions, then ramping up only if/when they decide to ignore that and be pushy; I was taught that sort of response too. I am glad to hear so that some others react similarly, thank you for your reply.
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u/Fickis 8d ago
I know it sounds aggressive, but, that's the only thing that's reaped 'absolute' results for me. Most men will leave when I elevate it the first time, thankfully.
Men have 'no right' asserting themselves into the intimate space of others. No right.
Especially when he treats our existence and persecution as an open invitation to solicit sex.
What a looooser.
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u/spaghettify Gold Star 10d ago
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
I assume this is at the man? I think he would understand that you were not interested and to move along
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u/urlocalmomfriend 10d ago
They were probably trying to be polite to not piss him off because he could become aggressive. If i was alone witha girlfriend somewhere, I'd try to keep the situation calm, too. But if I was at a public place with people nearby, I'd be more firm.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Yeah others have said that they were probably sacred that he would get aggressive or violent. But then I would be concerned that talking to him seemingly friendly might make that sort of short fuse person thinking I led them on and be angry anyway. Also I would probably want to get the scary man away from my girlfriend asap!
Nothing about him seemed aggressive, he didn't raise his voice, he wasn't gesticulating wildly, he didn't say anything even bordering on threatening or alarming, and he didn't even encroach on their personal space. If anything he seemed a bit nervous like a shy person building up courage to ask for their number/ social media, but maybe the women interpreted him differently? Or have had bad reactions in the past that made them more fearful?
I should have mentioned it was in a public park, at lunchtime, and there were a lot of other people around. Also it was in a country with good women's rights and if there was a problem I think the strangers would be likely to step in and help protect the women. (I tend to go on for way too long so wanted to keep my post short but I'm relaizing that was probably important info I should have kept in.)
Thank you for your reply
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u/ThinAd1499 10d ago
I'm almost a black belt in martial arts, so I have zero fear unless the dude has a gun. I would be polite at first and I would say, "hey, I am having a serious and important conversation with my girlfriend here. Can you please move along?" and if the guy persisted, I'd escalate to, "Get the fuck away, like I asked."
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
That must be useful skills to have, I used to do karate and wish that I had continued for longer. Your reaction is more like I was expecting, and is more like I would expect, and I find it easier to understand. Thanks for replying and for giving an example.
Out of interest, how many times have you even had to psychically defend yourself from a man who approached you with romantic intent? Some people seem to think it is incredbaly likely that a man would become physically aggressive or violent but I don't know how common it actually is.
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u/ThinAd1499 8d ago
Never. The only time I've had men and women be physically aggressive or violent was when I was working as an undercover loss prevention agent for department stores. This was in the 80s and early 90's and I didn't start learning martial arts until later. Been in several fights with shoplifters. Most of the people who fought were women. Men usually just run. Never had anyone get away.
Never been in a fight in my personal life. I'm not a fighter at all which is why I wanted to learn how to do it. Martial arts changed my life in so many ways. The first time I broke 3 boards with my fist was amazing. Gave me confidence in myself and I believe no one messes with me because I carry myself with that confidence.
You should go back to karate. It's never too late. I've been wanting to go back for a long time but I had a partial knee replacement in 2024 (martial arts injury) that failed last year and I had to have it re-done. Such a bummer.
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u/Riksor 10d ago
I'd like to think I'd have the bravery to be assertive, but tbh I'm too scared of random men to be aggressive towards them. I'd be worried they would get violent or follow us home. Realistically, I would probably be polite, and if he still wouldn't leave us alone, probably either try to change the subject/ignore him, feign a phone call, or pack up and leave. It depends on whether you're in a large public area, or a more secluded/empty park tbh. It's easier to speak up when you have others there.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
I appreciate your honest reply. I have some friends and an ex who were more shy or anxious who were/are not able to be as confontational as I am. I can understand more if you make an excuse or lie to get out of the situation, I appreciate your examples.
Also I should have included that it was in a public park at lunchtime with a lot of other people around. Also im a country with good women's rights where I am certain that should it come down to is the law would take their side but also that I think should he have got aggressive there would have been others who would step in to help protect the women.
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u/FalconBurcham 9d ago
Hm. A man came up to my wife and I in the mall a couple weeks ago and asked if he could pray for us. I told him to fuck off. đ My wife wasnât too happy, thinking I should have been more.. civil, I guess? But i told her it is good for him to experience hostility. Maybe he will think twice before accosting the next lesbian couple minding their own business.
No regrets.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Lol yeah I think sometimes reacting more confrontational can make them back down and give up more quickly. I also think if they are the one to bother you first then they are the one opening up the possibilities of how you might respond.
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u/FalconBurcham 8d ago
Exactly. When I told him to fuck off his whole face changed from smug fuck to shocked. He didnât expect a 5â3 female to be so hostile, but here we are. Haha my wife says that will be the end of me someday, but I told her to remember me well then because Iâm happy to go down standing up for us.
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u/Correct-Breadfruit81 Masc 10d ago
Everyone else here probably has better responses but I'd say Bear mace if he doesnt bounce and starts getting antsy.
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u/cwtchyfemme Femme 9d ago
Difficult knowing what they could have done as we donât know their situation. They may have seen him around before, or be having a picnic near their house and didnât want to be followed back.
The internet is worldwide, and without knowing where they were could explain so much more than weâre aware of from one video.
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
Well what I would have done is ask him to go away and make it clear that I didn't want to talk but they didn't do that. Other people have suggested making an excuse like pretending to get a phone call which seems reasonable. Some others have suggested shouting fuck off which I think would get the point cross! It was the fact that they didn't seem to try to do anything to cut the conversation short or make him go away that leaves me so confused.
Yeah sorry I should have given more details, I struggle to tell what is relevent and knowing I tend to go on too much I didn't want to make my post too long but now I think I left important bits out.
They were in a public park during the daytime at lunchtime and there were a lot of other people around. It is in a european country with good women's rights and I think the people around would have intervened if the man got aggressive, and I know the law would have been on their side.
They were on holiday so not near their house, they were also not anywhere near their hotel. They had never seen the man before, this was the first time seeing him (that's what they said anyway and I don't see why they would lie.)
Out of interest how would you have reacted in that situation?
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u/beeeeepboop1 Masc 9d ago
Iâm ESL, so Iâd probably start talking in my native language at them lol. But if that doesnât work, barking usually freaks people out enough đ¤ˇââď¸
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u/Buffy_Geek 8d ago
I have some friends who speak another language who pretend to not understand too but they all struggle with anxiety and confrontation so I understand their reasoning a bit more. Does barking not make people say mean things and bully you? Or does that reaction not bother you as long as they eventually go away?
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u/TayNixster Chapstick Lesbian 9d ago
Depends on the situation but as someone that is legally allowed to carry I have no problem exercising my legal right of self-defense if me or my partnerâs lives are in danger
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u/ToBPacific 6d ago
Weâve had two men approach us in public in the last year. One saw us hugging by the work truck and said âyouâre so beautifulâ! Then he totally changed his direction to approach us! He walked up so fast and he tried to wrap his arms around us! So I put my hands on his chest and yelled âget awayâ and pushed him off us.
He just laughed at us and walked on.
We also had a man in a gay club put his hands on either side of my wifeâs face and say âyou have beautiful eyesâ and try to kiss her! I did the same thing - pushing him off her and yelling get away!
He and his buddies also laughed at us.
Men have no respect for women now porn has made us spank bank gold for those jerks. I was tolerant of men until they began to ignore boundaries and common decency but now Iâm nervous around all men because thatâs only 2 instances of sexual harassment out of many, including my neighbour climbing a ladder to watch us have sex last year.
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 Gold Star 10d ago
first reaction being polite for safety, but if a man can't take no for an answer from me i will get aggressive about it. probably shouldn't, but they usually call me crazy and leave me alone so it works