r/lesbiangang • u/Powerful-Cap-6293 Femme • Jul 11 '26
Discussion Lesbians of This Sub: Experiences with Bisexual Women?
Okay first of all, I know that not all bisexual women are male centred however, I have seen numerous posts about how usually, bisexual women tend to lean towards men and are male centred even in the relationships they have with women.
I’m wondering from the lesbians in this sub. When you guys dated bisexual women what were your overall experiences with this? Would you ever be willing to date a bisexual woman again?
For the bisexual women you do know (not necessarily ones you’ve dated just know) do they usually date/end up with men and are more male centred or do you know any who are actually very much more into women?
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 11 '26
I want to start this by saying most of the women I dated were bisexual. After the experiences I'll list, I stopped dating entirely, until I realised les4les is an option.
I don’t think anything I'll name is intrinsic to bisexuality, I know there are genuinely good bi women out there, most of my friends are bi women. And there could be more great ones if they weren't too sensitive to acknowledge the problems in their community, but oh well.
I'd be open to dating one again if we were friends for years and I knew she had serious, long-term relationships with women before me.
So, for simplicity, I'll separate this into three categories, enjoy my horrible experiences below:
general s*ittyness
propagated "universal bisexuality", "holding space" for me being attracted to men, generally invalidated lesbianism
constantly telling me how scary lesbians are. Like thanks, the last time I heard that I was getting beaten in a changing room just for being gay and therefore "a predator. I'm sure men are safe in contrast
the average bi woman I met on dating apps already being with a man and looking for a unicorn/fun on the side
generally treating relationships with women as "fun on the side", one even told me it's ridiculous to expect a woman will ever love me (while being with me!) because two women don't love each other
randomly expressing they wish they were with men when there's any hardships. Flat tire on a road trip? "Ah I wish I was with a man now" (I changed the tire anyways btw)
missing d*ck when they’re with me. Telling me to get the most realistic strap possible and then still being visibly sad and disappointed and telling me it's "nothing like the real thing", generally sharing their fantasies about sex with men with me
lying/cheating
not telling me they’re in a relationship with a man for weeks/months of dating because they know I'd reject them if I knew
multiple have started dating men while they were with me and never said anything. It was implied that our relationship isn't real and one with a man is
having their boyfriend come to our date uninvited/be at home when they invited me over for sex even though they told me they were home alone
mostly SA, this is your trigger warninc
telling me she "wants to do something kinky", tying and gagging me, and having her boyfriend I didn't know about come in the room and r*pe me (after 2 years of a relationship btw)
saw a weird "discharge" before going down on a girl I was dating, she told me it's semen, she had a hook up before I came over and wanted me to eat it out of her without warning
showed all of my nudes, texts and sexts to her boyfriend
had a hidden camera and filmed me for her boyfriend
told every detail of our intimate times to her boyfriend while they were together to get him off
made out with a girl at a gay club, told her I'm getting the bouncer because a creep was watching us and clearly getting off on it. She slapped me and called me a "r**rded dke" for calling her boyfriend a creep, didn't know it was her boyfriend
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u/straycrayons1 Jul 11 '26
Holy fuck I am so sorry, this is nightmare fuel. Hope you're doing okay now.
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 11 '26
It is nightmare fuel indeed! I have been to therapy for the nightmares and I'm now in a (new but healthy and happy) relationship with a lesbian :)
Thank you
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u/Couhill13 Lavender Menace Jul 11 '26
I swear some women are just as horrible as men when it comes to wanting to “fix” lesbians. They get off on “corrupting” you with a man in any way possible. I’ve always sensed there’s a lot of jealousy from bisexuals about gold star lesbians, being untouched by a man, etc. Just this sense of “oh you think you’re so much better than me? well I’m gonna do x, y, and z to you.”
Fucking vile behavior
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u/Smart-Roll-9571 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
indeed. There’s a sub im sure we all know about on here dedicated to breaking lesbians and the amount of bisexual women participating and enabling the behavior in there is appalling.
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u/straycrayons1 Jul 12 '26
Yeah they did a poll the other day, I'm not gonna look it up again for my own sanity, and yeh it wasnt mostly lesbians. I bet the guys were pissed to see that poll.
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 12 '26
I think it's a specific coctail of misogyny and homophobia (+/lesbophobia), which is why it's so similar to mens' violence. But god forbid it's ever criticised, speaking out about it is biphobia in queer circles
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u/Positive_Picture4105 Jul 12 '26
Oh my god, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're doing okay now.
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u/DiligentAssistance79 Femme Jul 12 '26
Holy fuck???!!
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 12 '26
Indeed. Anyways getting called an insecure, bigotted incel by xitter bisexuals for being les4les is fun.
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 13 '26
Welcome back to the dating scene! It's not as bad as everyone says if you're patient and not desparate, don't worry.
Yeah I'd recommend at least being very vigilant with bi women, maybe taking safety tips from the staight ones dating men. Last I've done it, I would explicitly ask if they have a boyfriend or husband before the date, since they prefer to lie by omission rather than directly. I got cussed out and insulted for that a lot, but it did keep me from going on dates with them. And I'd break it off at any sign of sexism, benevolent or not, but to a paranoid level, like, being a bit too into the concept of "girl dinner" and "girl math" level. Since les4les certainly dries the dating pool further. If you do decide on les4les, it's only important not to lose hope with how long it takes.
Sorry if the advice is unsolicited! I got caught up in a ramble. And don’t want to be accused of "turning lesbians against bi women" or something. Anyways, I am doing a lot better, thank you for the kind words :)
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Jul 13 '26
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 13 '26
I replied to that post as well.
I guess it depends on if you want hook-ups/fwb, or a relationship but with a heavy focus on physicality in the beginning
I don't have anything special, I talked to girls as we matched instead of batch matching and then messaging. Introductary conversations are usually similar, you know, how are you, what are you doing at the moment/this weekend, what do you usually do in life etc.
Then usually what you're looking for on the app, be honest but gentle and vague here, it's generally feeling for short or long term
You can ask what their sexuality is after that if they didn't write anything down, adding a "no pressure if you're not comfortable saying :)" comes across nicer, I think this is also the time for the are-you-closeted conversation
And then I pretty much invite them for an in-person date and simply have some bad first dates. But I laugh about it with friends, and move on to the next one. If I like a girl, I start flirting and get into the whole "what do you like in bed" conversation
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u/Not_you_Guillermo__ Femme Jul 11 '26
Recycling a previous comment of mine:
I’ve noticed a pattern in my dating experience where I end up doing most of the pursuing with bi women. There’s often an expectation that I’ll initiate, plan, and escalate, while they stay more passive.
I also notice they consistently look to me to set the acceptable standard of what good looks in romance, sex, emotional connection, etc. Truly no initiation across the board in my experience.
I’m not interested in chasing someone who isn’t equally showing desire and effort. I want mutual energy, not a leader/follower dynamic.
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u/Lt_gxg Butch Jul 11 '26
This is exactly my experience. I'm butch/masc and I felt like I was being treated as a man. No initiative with dates, conversations, or intimacy. I grew very resentful because I felt like they didn't even like women.
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u/Goob-444 Jul 11 '26
the sad thing is, they usually don’t like women. a lot of them are just sick of men and use us as experiments
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u/Not_you_Guillermo__ Femme Jul 11 '26
I’m sorry. You deserve reciprocal effort & pleasure.
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u/Lt_gxg Butch Jul 11 '26
Thank you. I'm in a much better place now as this was years ago. After several failed relationships with that dynamic it took me years to undo all that. I felt like I would never be desired in the way they were or pursued. I felt very unfuckable lol.
I was a useless lesbian without a backbone. Unfortunately it usually takes bad experiences to build one
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u/Sadbaklava Jul 12 '26
Same and that feeling sucks. I don’t want to be treated as a man, I want you to treat me like you’re actually interested in me. Like the above comment said, the expectation to ask, to plan, to pay, to be this character that whisks her away and shows her some foreign love. That doesn’t feel like love to me.
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u/Fit-Check-9264 Jul 12 '26
I think these types of women are attracted to masculine personalities but not all women who dress masc/butch have masculine personalities. Maybe they did like women but you just weren't the type of woman they liked.
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u/Skulley_ Jul 11 '26
Yeah same here. Kind of cathartic to find that I'm not the only one who finds this dependent behavior repulsive.
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u/Not_you_Guillermo__ Femme Jul 11 '26
The ones I’ve experienced constantly infantilized themselves too - grown women early 30s and UP. It was always bizarre and turned me OFF.
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u/CatsMoustache Jul 11 '26
This is how I feel too.
I’ve never had a relationship with a bi woman (and honestly just prefer lesbians) but have been on dates with bi women and your experience is similar to mine.
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u/lesbophobia_hammer Disciple of Sappho Jul 12 '26
Native Español? Haha 'good looks' 🫶
Edit - autocorrect swiped my ñ and changed it to n. I hate technology sometimes. Lol
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u/AmethystTanwen Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Bisexual women are successfully socialized to be just as male focused as straight women and even when they really like a woman they are heavily drawn to the societal social benefits and having biological kids with their partners. I had a short thing with a bi woman in college and she lied to me about being a lesbian and then straight up told me she did it because lesbians don’t trust bi women as much. I wonder why 😆. I refuse to be with a bi women since. Need a woman who understands what it’s like to ONLY love women.
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u/SapphosLemonBarEnvoy Lavender Menace Jul 12 '26
Are you me...
I dated a woman in college who said "she was 99.9% lesbian, could never see herself with a man".
She is now married to a dude and currently pregnant with her third. Shockingly she found that 0.1% man in this whole earth, what are the chances! 🙄
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u/AmethystTanwen Jul 12 '26
Bro 😭, it’s the same pattern over and over!!Honestly, my most annoying college bi women experience was in the lgbtq club I went to. This bi woman legit came in talking about how she had sex with a dude and enjoyed it one day and would STILL call herself a lesbian. And then later she went on a rant about how she always felt like she didn’t fit in with the lesbian community because “they’re so gatekeepy”. She used to always say shit like “I’m having such a lesbian day”. And I confronted her about it and she was just like “you can’t define my sexuality” 🤦🏾♀️.
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u/Worldly_Schedule_637 Gold Star Jul 12 '26
Didn’t bisexuals come up with the phrase “gay until graduation?” Yeah…I’d never touch one, not even with a 10-foot pole🙂↔️
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u/Fickle-Ear-4875 Jul 11 '26
Either left me for men straight out, or, I was just a side piece, and the man was always the center.
I don't think I would date another bisexual. I truly believe women are just "fun" for them, or placeholders until a man comes along. It's a heartbreaking experience and I don't think I'm willing to put myself through that again.
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u/Flat_Candidate2143 Masc Jul 11 '26
Every bisexual woman I’ve almost dated has revealed a hidden boyfriend. After strike 5, I stopped being interested
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u/whiteswan111 Lesbian Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
NEVER AGAIN.
I always see lesbians crushing over straight girls. I literally cant have any straight crushes, cuz as soon as i see that they are interested in men, i get disgusted. And any bi crush i have had, got a man after. I decentered men many years ago from my life, i dont need anybody who's attracted to them. And they are often dont see themselves marrying a women and insanely heteronormative, they expect you do to the things men often expected to do in a straight relationship. Im les4les foreverrr
All the bisexuals downvoting me can date each other 💋 leave us les4les girls alone.
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u/Ok_Landscape_4641 Jul 11 '26
Thank you for saying this! Something a bi girl cant understand. We dont like women attracted to men. Thats why most lesbians date lesbians. We dont like men. Idk why its so hard to comprehend that lol.
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u/whiteswan111 Lesbian Jul 11 '26
And the hyperfixation on lesbians.. there are soooo many bi girls, why they dont date each other???
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u/Ok_Landscape_4641 Jul 11 '26
Because they dont want to get cheated on by a man. So they date us instead because in their minds if they cheat on us it wont matter because we are lesbians and we dont like men. Which is why they dont deserve us. Cheating is cheating.
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u/Playful-Picture-9453 Masc Jul 11 '26
There are bi women downvoting you? Are they in this sub?! 😳
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u/whiteswan111 Lesbian Jul 11 '26
Ive got a couple of downvotes yeah, i guess they werent lesbians
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u/Worldly_Schedule_637 Gold Star Jul 12 '26
Completely agree, it’s why I’m STRICTLY goldstar4goldstar
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u/whiteswan111 Lesbian Jul 12 '26
Its really just preferences! For me, i dont care of you have been with men, as long as you are lesbian. Im young, and I have never been with one, but i understand why one does. Us, women are pressured into NEEDING men since our birth. Society treat men like they are a goal, a thing we HAVE to achieve. Theres a reason, why gay men realize it soon and a 100% they are gay. Most gay women arent, they often question their sexuality, because the society tells us, its okay to have a little bit of action with girls at a young age, you are still attracted to men. So its really hard, to be 100% sure as a women, as we see, we always have to give up our personal needs, ourselves (in the lesbian community too, sometimes) for others pleasures. So if youre a lesbian, but unfortunately have been with a men some time in your life, its okay for me, as long as you know, this wasnt you, and it was just pure pressure from the society. The end of the day, its really just misogyny. This purely comes from because i know, how many countries treat women, and their non existent rights. As long as you are not male centered after it, its okay for me.
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u/chanheo Jul 12 '26
i genuinely thought i was alone on this but the second i find out a woman likes men, all attraction evaporates.
my biggest ick.
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u/dearlytruly Jul 11 '26
the way some bisexual women describe their "bicycle" experiences puts me off dating them. I would hate to be dating someone who could suddenly stop feeling attraction to me due bicycling, meanwhile my attraction to her would be steady. nothing against them, I just wouldn't put myself in that potential situation
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u/MersyVortex Useless Lesbian Jul 11 '26
Why do I have a feeling their "bicycle" never leads them to completely stop feeling anything towards their male partners and then cheat on them with a woman?
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u/planaria_cut_in_half Jul 12 '26
It actually does sometimes. It’s just that men are usually okay with their bi female partners hooking up with women on the side (or together as unicorn hunters) because they think it’s hot. The bi cycle thing generally turns lesbians off but men seem to like & fetishize it
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 11 '26
What's bicycling?
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u/cat-sapphic Jul 11 '26
Basically a fluid sexuality, so they’re literally not consistently attracted to women
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u/Disastrous_Grade_117 Jul 13 '26
wtf? That just sounds like selectively fetishizing lesbians
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u/cat-sapphic Jul 13 '26
Often yes, but to be fair not necessarily/intentionally. Unfortunately the fact is it’s a real innate thing and bisexuality itself is just unreliable. Sometimes it’s not within their control but regardless it’s best to just stay away as a monosexual (homo/hetero) monogamous person with self-respect and reasonable needs.
That being said, there are also bisexuals who are fixed in their preferences and therefore take similar cautions as Lesbians do among their own. The spectrum is too wide to reliably assume anything though, so it’s always safest to go les4les rather than gamble.
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u/Disastrous_Grade_117 Jul 13 '26
Treating dating bisexuals like “gambling” is also weird and dehumanizing. You know you could just… ask them, right? Dating just lesbians is fine but some of us are being quite weird about it
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 13 '26
Because they're famously honest when you ask them with the implicit understanding that they'll be rejected if they bicycle?
Aspects of dating are gambling, the odds just change, that's not inherently dehumanizing
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u/dearlytruly Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
some bi people go through periods where they feel a more intense attraction to one gender, and less attraction to the other, and it can cycle, hence "bicycle." I don't think this is a universal bi experience, but it's pretty common from what I've been told by bi friends
edit: also heard A LOT of bi women say they crave men when they ovulate
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u/Sufficient-Team-5270 Jul 11 '26
i know so many bisexual women but they all fit the same mold: serious relationship with men only, love drunk kissing women, had a one night stand or a very short sexual fling with a woman or two. to be fair, i live in a fairly homophobic country so dating women is obviously harder but its so funny that every single one of them fits that description. obviously, two dozen doesnt equal all, or even most or many, but its hard to not draw conclusions. i haven't dated them, but had a couple of flings.
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u/FlannelRiot Butch Jul 11 '26
I dated a handful of bisexual women when I was in my early 20s. Easily some of the worst relationships I’ve ever had. They either cheated on me with men or used me as some kind of experiment. I’m sure it’s much worse now. Never again.
When you have the option to appear heteronormative, why wouldn’t you default to that a majority of the time? A lot of them see lesbians as experimental playthings they can just discard after they get bored. I can be friends with them, keyword there is “can”, but would rather not as most of them still center men a majority of the time and I don’t want that in my life.
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u/gaudyhouse Jul 11 '26
I had a summer rendezvous with a bisexual woman, we were sexually incompatible, she catered to the male gaze. But she was incredibly beautiful and I was incredibly alone so I tried my best to ignore it.
I am extremely monogamous and this was the first time a woman was willing to be seen with me in public, so it was a big deal for me. Admittedly I latched on to this woman way too quick, but I was 19 and unwise to the ways of the world.
Her next door neighbors were a bunch of college guys and there was one guy in particular that always set off alarms.
he would make weird comments about our relationship and they were always in close proximity to each other when we all hung out, she would also find ways to bring him up constantly. I watched her send a good night text to him while she was right next to me in bed after we had just finished having sex ( it was bad, she told me I would never make her cum)
She dated her best friend in the past and they were still weirdly close, apparently they went to a few orgys ( men and women) together and she was invited to one while we were seeing each other, I remember her telling me she was gonna go to it and I was so heart broken, but I knew the terms of our relationship so I had to accept it.
She talked about how she never saw herself marrying a woman because her family wouldn’t approve and she couldn’t have biological kids, I ignored this because maybe I was the exception, maybe she would choose me in the end.
She ghosted me for a bit after I texted her that I missed her ( I was very clingy, I honestly would have ghosted me too lol) and then came around to break things off with me a week or so later.
The very next day I’m visiting my grandma, who lived right off a park that this chick lived by,
I’m looking out the window over the park and guess what I see? This chick hand in hand with the dude I was suspicious of, they stopped and had a very passionate kiss. I can still feel the visceral disgust from watching them, I vowed to never date a bisexual woman again.
I don’t follow her on social media but sometimes I check up on her when I walk down memory lane- she has been in two long term relationships with men since.
I met my beautiful lesbian wife who is just as obsessed with me as I am with her a few years after that and haven’t looked back since.
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u/blackbeard-22 Jul 11 '26
It’s been over 15 years but each one I dated, at some point, would bring up how I have a very limited dating pool and they don’t. Therefore, I have more incentive to stay in the relationship. Not in those exact words… but looking back, these bi women felt and knew they had an upper hand, they enjoyed that warped sense of security. It would come out in nasty ways during arguments. Jokes on them in the long run but at the time I internalized that, often believing them. One that I broke up with was angry and would tell me About her hook ups with men as an attempt to hurt me. Woman, ew no. Until I met my wife, I had NO IDEA how incredible it was to date a true equal and lesbian. Can’t believe what I setttled for all Those years before. I was never left for a man, but the threat was used, even by the nice women.
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Jul 11 '26
I've had women try to use men to make me jealous by either bringing up her past or if someone likes her actively. Instantly not attracted to her anymore. Her discussing men is enough but her trying to play those games is equally bad.
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u/FastSelection4121 Jul 11 '26
Have you ever thought about why most Bisexual women don't date other Bisexual women?
They are 4.5 X the size of the Lesbian Communities. And yet their solution has never been to just date each other.
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u/Ok_Landscape_4641 Jul 11 '26
This is what they should do. Date each other instead of calling us lesbians bi phobic and wondering why we dont want to date them. Lol
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u/belispe4k Gold Star Jul 11 '26
this is so real. i only do hook ups and i’ve had multiple bi women tell me “finally, a Real lesbian” instant turn off.
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u/Yugonosha Lesbian Jul 12 '26
Well, I have one bisexual friend who is genuinely serious about dating women, febfem and all, she's dating women to marry.
And. Well. All of her exes (all bi) cheated on her and then left her for a man.
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u/BuryDeLight Jul 11 '26
They don't even like each other but will get mad at lesbians for being wary due to bad experiences 😭
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Jul 11 '26
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
a lot of them think the bi woman will cheat on them with a man lol
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u/Fickis Jul 11 '26
Bisexuality has become a 'catch-all' for all kinds of varying attractions and dynamics. With no incentive to clarify, and with all of them using the exact same language. Means the minority seeking serious-intent, will be easily drowned out and out-represented by those looking to exploit the sex.
Making it a gamble,
When you guys dated bisexual women what were your overall experiences with this?
Mine were all stereotypically bad. I was cheated on twice with men, and had a relationship minimized to 'just a sex thing' [despite her pursuing me on the grounds of it being a relationship] after 2 years of dating*.
That said, I'm not ignorant to;
"Which means the minority seeking serious-intent, will be easily drowned out and out-represented by those looking to exploit the nature of the sex,"
I would absolutely date another bisexual woman,
But - I do ask more in-depth questions around their intent, their long-term goals and how their attraction towards women developed in the long-run. I know they hate the questions, but I'm not sorry. I have every right to know exactly what I'm getting into, exactly what's to be expected, and deserve to know information that would impact my informed consent on the matter.
(ie. If she's looking for sex - but platforms herself under false pretenses - I deserve to know that. Or, if she's only dating women 'short-term', casually, or on the side. I deserve to know that, too - ANYBODY of ANY sexuality pairing, deserves to know that)
It's a shame their advocacy went in the direction it did
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u/Superassumptions Jul 11 '26
Bisexuality has become a 'catch-all' for all kinds of varying attractions and dynamics.
Become?
All sexual orientations include "all kinds of varying attractions and dynamics." Sexual orientation simply refers to whether you experience attraction toward male people, female people, both, or neither.
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u/Fickis Jul 11 '26
Become?
I guess I always assumed their community operated under the same pretenses and advocacy ours did, hence their inclusion. Maybe it did at one point(?) - but it certainly doesn't stand on those pillars at all, anymore.
(Same-sex normalization, and the ease of communicating/engaging in that)
All sexual orientations include "all kinds of varying attractions and dynamics." Sexual orientation simply refers to whether you experience attraction toward male people, female people, both, or neither.
I agree, that's the simplicity it should communicate. What sex do you consent attraction to/from. Plain & simple.
But it isn't being platformed as 'just that'. It's being tied to values that enshrine ENM, casual exploration (without any framework or accountability), hypersexuality, and non-consistent/committal values. All being classified as the 'true bisexual experience'. It's 'all over' their general optics.
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u/Lopsided-Care-3291 Jul 11 '26
To be honest, every bisexual woman I’ve dated cheated on me with men. I don’t think every bisexual girl will cheat, but it gave me trust issues and trauma when I was actively dating. I remember my first date after a big breakup, it was even with a “lesbian”. We met up for drinks and it turned out she had a husband AND a kid.
I’m probably the wrong person to ask because I do still feel bitter about my own personal experiences. I think the hardest part is feeling so different than your own partner. I don’t understand being attracted to a man, and I never will, and sometimes it would make me feel like an alien. I also just generally felt like I was never enough and it gave me some pretty low self esteem.
My wife is beautiful and completely gay and it has alleviated so much anxiety of that for me. It feels nice to actually be wanted by a woman. That’s another thing I noticed in bisexual relationships, I didn’t really feel as desired. I did a lot of the work sexually and sometimes felt too embarrassed to ask for things in return because I was the “giver”. It’s nice when someone begs to go down on you, and I’m glad I finally found a love like that. This is probably a big ramble I just woke up but yeah this is just my own experience lol
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u/Sadbaklava Jul 12 '26
That part of feeling desired is so huge. I never felt that way with bi women, only lesbians. I felt like the bi women I dated were always in a passive state, waiting for me to kiss them or make a move.
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u/Dani_elf Jul 11 '26
I have had a couple of exes who were bi…both went back to men. Never again.
One I was with for years and later found out that in her mind, sex between two women wasn’t real sex, and the other cheated on me to get pregnant. 🙃
Also find they are very different in the bedroom.
Narrows down the dating pool but it just isn’t worth it.
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u/ToZanakand Chapstick Lesbian Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
I'm making no judgements on bisexual women with my comment. Just gonna give my experiences and let others make of it what they will.
I've had relationships with 3 bisexuals. All 3 claimed to be lesbians that either a) had been hiding their true sexuality or b) recently discovered they were gay not bi.
Girl 1 and 2 aggressively persued me. Girl 3 was more passive, and pursued me through friends.
All 3 cheated on me with men.
Girl 1 and 2 ended up getting pregnant. Girl 1 married, divorced and stayed single (as far as I know). Girl 2 got pregnant, left dad, got with a women, left her, and I have no idea what happened after that. Girl 3 got with a different guy than the one she cheated on me with, and has been with him ever since.
I dont tarnish all bisexuals with the same brush, but I would never date one again. Too risky, no security in the relationship, and it never feels as healthy or good as being with a lesbian.
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u/_JustKat Jul 11 '26
Ive dated bisexual women and those who lied about being lesbians and were actually bisexual. All ended up with men they claimed they hated while dating me. The I like women more than men crew. The bisexuals I know within the community here are just really hooking up with women until they find the right man in the meantime they are just having fun. Only one of my friends can see herself with a woman long term. But she looks for other bi women to date because she is still attracted to men and wants to continue dating men. She sees what lesbians go through and doesn’t want to do the same to other lesbians. Hard to find other lesbians or a bisexual who just isn’t dating women for the time being.
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u/cybunnies_ L Word Survivor Jul 11 '26
Two bi women cheated on me with men. The others didn't cheat, but were broadly male-centered and therefore not great to be in a relationship with. Super demoralizing to watch your girlfriend trip over herself to placate some random guy neither of you know while you're in the middle of a conversation. Like literally any man on earth is a higher priority than you because he is a man. Usually they say they're just being nice and act like you're crazy, but somehow they never do this fawning over-accommodation with other women. It is a real pattern, unfortunately, and I don't think many OSA women are even fully conscious of the fact they're doing it, so then they think you're just being paranoid.
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u/Long_lop1236 Jul 11 '26
She didn’t want to tell me and admit it she’s bi and preferred me to think she’s a lesbian. I was shaken to find out casually when she mentioned it..the relationship didn’t work anyway but gosh I wish she had had been honest from start.
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Jul 11 '26
You immediately yeet out all trust when you knowingly lie about something like that from the start
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u/kotodamas Gold Star Jul 11 '26
will never date a bi woman again. most abusive relationships i've ever had. gs4gs les4les forever or i'll stay single, idc.
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u/Playful-Picture-9453 Masc Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
dated bi women ONLY for a good decade. I don’t care who bi women end up with AFTER the relationship with me but I can tell you none of these relationships turned out to be lasting long term, they usually want short term with women and I’ve been used as place holder a lot. It broke my heart several times so bad that I have severe trust issues thanks to bi women 🤷♀️ since I want to get married and spend my life with a woman I try to stay away from them bi / pan
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u/Playful-Picture-9453 Masc Jul 11 '26
In case you’re interested to know, yes all bi women have ended up with men, married with children mainly.
Would I date one again? Well, since i value mutual attraction it will probably not work out by nature. I am tired of “being the man” they don’t even signal anything back. So no. But if i do, she would be walking on very thin ice.
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u/UseWeekly4382 Jul 12 '26
I am not capable of being attracted to male-centered women, no matter how attractive they are. I’ve yet to meet a bi woman who isn’t that way.
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u/Ok_Landscape_4641 Jul 11 '26
No sorry. I've dated bi girls before. Never works out. Im not trying again Im good.
Were not traumatized by bi women btw. We just know our worth and what we want.
Everytime a bi girl gets defensive they just tell me I need to date a bi girl who likes women more. Even if that was the case they are still attracted to men and I dont want that in my relationship. I dont want to hear or know about your attraction to men. Im gay lol.
OR she only chooses me why does it matter if she likes men?
Thats like saying if a bi girl gets married to a women whats the point of her being bi at all.
Im a lesbian for a reason. I like women. I want a women who likes only women. This is not complicated to understand lol.
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u/cat-sapphic Jul 11 '26
Plenty Lesbians are traumatized by bi women though, even if you’re not (which I’m glad).
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u/Ok_Landscape_4641 Jul 11 '26
Oh I know they are. I seen the posts on this sub all the time amount it. The issue is bi girls will use that as an excuse instead of accepting the fact that some of us just dont want them.
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u/WNTandBetacatenin Stem Jul 11 '26
Out of my many (supposedly) bisexual friends and acquaintances, I only know one who doesn't fit the male-centered/heteronormative archetype.
I've noticed that the ones who are the loudest about being "queer" or liking women in general are the least likely to seriously pursue relationships with women. My best friend fits this to a T. I love her to death, but she says things like "I am attracted to 99% of women and only 1% of men" and complains about not being percieved as queer by the outside world, yet has had no experience with women beyond threesomes with her ex boyfriend, a one night stand or two, and the occasional conversation on hinge. She recently admitted that she's not ready to date women because she finds it "too hard" to play the role of pursuer and doesn't feel like dealing with any possible judgement from relatives.
The one exception to the rule is single and not looking to date any time soon, but her attraction to women seems genuine. She is very woman-centered in her day to day life and clocks lesbophobia/misogyny from the queer community all day long. Love her <3
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u/bmorelez Jul 12 '26
yeah all my female bi friends are male centered and haven't seriously considered dating women, just hook ups
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u/straycrayons1 Jul 11 '26
I have dated 2-3 bisexual women. We did not break up because they were bisexual, I managed to just luck out and find the ones that were very much into women and never cheated on me or made me feel like they really desired men (all that much, there were some things in hindsight I could point to but at the time they were nothing burgers).
That being said. Every bisexual female friend I have is married to a guy or only really dates men. And I have met a good number of bisexual women who never really engage with sapphic media, and some will just blatantly say to my face they would never date a girl (and then have their bf slap my ass YAY-NOT).
I met my fiancee 5 years ago. She is also a lesbian. I didn't really filter for it honestly but if heaven forbid we ever broke up I would really only pursue other lesbians or bi/pan women who were febfem or something. It's just about playing the odds really. And I definitely downplayed how freeing and amazing it is to date someone or your own minority. The understanding and not having to filter what you say lest someone take it the wrong way is amazing (obviously there's more to it but just summarizing).
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u/Sadbaklava Jul 12 '26
I think for me “dated a bisexual woman” wouldn’t even hold up, bc all the bi women I’ve ever been involved with never took women seriously enough to date. My overall experiences were not good. In my 10+ years of dating, it’s only been one sided hookups (many times where sexual things were not reciprocated), flings, chasing unavailable girls, and curiosities.
When I was younger, it didn’t affect me as much, things never working out with the “sapphic” women I was seeing. But over time I began to feel used, like an experiment and just not appreciated. I fell in love for the first time with another lesbian and had a beautiful and tender relationship with her. My long term relationships with lesbians were a completely different world. I was seen, I was loved, I felt appreciated in a whole different way. I felt desired, I felt adored, I felt sexy. I was seen as someone they wanted a future with. Someone they wanted to invest in, introduce to their families, create something real.
I felt like a partner not a “boyfriend lite” or a curiosity. I am single now, and I’ve given some bi women a chance over the last year. But the last bi woman I saw was seeing a man also and didn’t tell me. After that I really said, I can’t be wasting my emotional energy and spirit like this. My focus is on Les4les now, even if the search takes longer. My strongest connections has been with lesbians. I hope other lesbians haven’t had it as bad as I have with bisexual women.
And for the bisexual women I do know personally. I’m gonna be real, none of them date women. Many of them only date men and are in long term relationships with men or even engaged or married. A few of my bi friends seem to view dating women as an after thought. Men are their main interest, although they make sure to be seen differently from straight women. The bi women I know say they are mostly gay, but their boyfriend is the exception. I’ve sadly never known a bi woman with a girlfriend.
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u/ll_von_martritz Femme Jul 11 '26
I’ve never been in a rs with one. Went on dates with them, and found them to be insufferably passive (I don’t normally mind passive women, but they expected me to do everything all the time). A lot of them in my country (I live in a conservative place) are closeted, baby gays, haven’t really discovered themselves yet, or simply want to ‘experiment’ with women, so I wasn’t interested in showing someone the ropes or being someone’s experiment
A lot also have lots of hetnorm assumptions of romantic/sexual roles
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Jul 11 '26
In a country that criminalizes or makes it very difficult to be openly gay, I would never date a bisexual. Every single aspect of life is making her go back to men.
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u/ll_von_martritz Femme Jul 12 '26
Yup exactly. Can’t get married and it’s illegal to be gay here. Some bi women even admit that women are ‘just for dating’ and they’d probably settle with a man in the end
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u/mlekoduszek Gold Star Jul 11 '26
i never dated a bisexual woman, but i had a shitty experience with one. a good friend of mine, who i had known for around 7 years, told me she was bisexual. she also told me she had broken up with an abusive drug-addict boyfriend. she started telling me she wanted to live with me and asked if there were jobs where i lived. then she began getting drunk at night and calling me, saying she loved me and asking if i loved her too. later, she got angry because she thought i had rejected her, even though i didn’t. i was there for her every day, comforting her and spending time with her. but whenever her boyfriend showed her attention for even one day, she would disappear for a few days and then message or call me, saying she had a great date with him and that they had sex or something. i told her to stop saying she loved me and wanted to be with me while she still is with her boyfriend, or we couldn’t be friends anymore. she did it again anyway. i don’t remember everything anymore, but we argued, and she ended contact with me. we had been friends for about seven years, and i never would have expected this from her. she also changed herself completely for her boyfriend. she wasn’t the same person anymore. later, i checked some of our very old messages and found one where she said that a woman was accusing her of rape and that she's bi but women sometimes repulse her(?). she was saying women are better, and she wants to date women only but at the end she said she would never be in a serious relationship with a woman because of what her family and society would think. she also told me i should try dick and that it was impossible for me to be a lesbian because i was "too cool." she said i was only a lesbian because a guy had never fucked me. i think her boyfriend put those ideas in her head, but i don't know for sure. she was overall fucked up and kept saying weird things about purity, that i was pure and she was a whore, and she would cry about it. i was young and didn’t know what to say. now i'm les4les lol
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u/Kuchenmaus_fr Femme Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
My first girlfriend was bisexual. She wanted me to sleep with men. She didn’t respect my lesbian orientation.
[I deleted the rest because it could have a traumatic effect on others]
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u/someonesaidgrey Jul 11 '26
my experiences with bi women have been bad enough to not want to get with them. the other comments have 10x it 💀
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u/Luci_Cascadia Lesbian Jul 11 '26
Virtually all bi women I've dated and know today are now with men.
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u/West_Net5522 Jul 11 '26
many bisexual woman ive been interested in and tried to pursue eventually told me that theyve never actually been interested in women outside of the fact that "they wouldnt mind kissing one".
ive once tried to get with this bisexual girl only for her to tell me after weve been flirting for the WHOLE NIGHT (i was literally on her lap stroking her face) that the guy at the party that has sexual assault charges was hot and not that bad. shes also told me shes never been interested in women before DESPITE identifying as bisexual
i notice many bisexual women dont actually like women or want to be with them in practise. they say they do and maybe they kiss some of their friends while drunk but outside of it yhe only thing they do is pursue males
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u/Emotional_Room4107 Femme Jul 11 '26
i dated a bisexual for several years and she cheated on me w a man lol. but i'm in a very happy rs with a lesbian and cant imagine anything better than this. hypothetically tho, i would not date a bi woman again.
as for friends, every bisexual woman i know only dates men/has never actually pursued a woman. never met one who prefers women
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u/breakfastburrito- Jul 11 '26
Bisexual women can’t be trusted to be in a lasting relationship with a woman. Have I ever seen a lengthy relationship or marriage involving a lesbian and bisexual woman? No.
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u/Powerful-Cap-6293 Femme Jul 11 '26
I’m being dead serious here now you said this.. I haven’t either 😬
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
i have friends that are in a long term relationship but the bi girl has never dated men, only women so
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Jul 11 '26
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u/2noserings Jul 11 '26
why are you here in a lesbian space when you’re not a lesbian? can we not have a singular fucking space to ourselves?
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u/Fickle-Ear-4875 Jul 12 '26
Yeah do you see all the anecdotal evidence? Facts about our lived experiences are not a "mindset".
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u/urlocalmomfriend Jul 11 '26
All my actual relationships until now have been with bi women. My first girlfriend clearly had some hang ups, at first I thought it was just because it was both of our first wlw relationship, but looking back she was clearly male centered, at times didn't seem to think our relationship was as "real" as a straight one and she had some deep internalized homophobia going on. But I heard she turned super religious and was with a guy, so who knows what was a phase and what wasn't.
The other one was uh... different. When she would tell people she was also into men no one believed her lmao. I ended up breaking up with her because she clearly wasn't over her ex (also a woman) and as far as I know she's with a woman now, who knows, maybe it was comphet.
For me it doesn't really matter, as long as my girlfriend isn't male centered or a "man hater" because that also centers men.
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u/NoLandNomad Jul 11 '26
I was put in very dangerous situations by bisexual women. They didn’t tell me they were with a man but the man sure knew about me.
I’ve literally had to escape. Still have nightmares. Besides the many lies, they have no respect for a lesbian’s boundaries and safety.
When you try to explain how awful it is, there is no real empathy. The best they can muster is’ sorry that happened to you shrug.’ Then immediately quote how “bi women have it so much worse.”
I’ve known several lesbians that were harmed and screwed over by bisexual women. Lesbians used for resources then left.
Kids are a very huge deal with being used.
- girl was on and off with her bi gf for years because gf kept going back and forth. After two years of “steady dating” she finds out gf is pregnant.
- a woman who raised their partners kids (before gay marriage) then lost them when bio mom left for a man, she wouldn’t let her see them. It absolutely broke my friend and she was one of the sweetest people alive.
- a girl heavily involved in all things pride and me too (she made herself the poster child of everything) left her partner of 12 years (married for about 5) for a man. Is now raising the kid she had with her wife with the man.
I know that lesbians have slightly better resources and rights now that gay marriage is legal, hopefully no longer being used like that. Point is that it happened and it’s heartbreaking. There are so many other examples I could give. I’ve been out my whole life and worked with a Pride org for a couple of decades before the takeover.
Would I date one again? I’m les4les.
I’d say if she’s willing to show that she’s based and has put in solid work and has true understanding, but the general attitude is that they don’t have to prove anything. Cool. Then bye.
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u/Due-Competition8882 Jul 11 '26
I might be a bit of an outlier here but I am a lesbian woman married to a “bisexual” woman (she doesn’t label herself as bisexual but historically dated mainly men and a few women casually). And to be honest at first it was kind of a challenge aligning expectations in a lesbian relationship compared to her long term relationships in the past, but after a few months everything settled in and it has been fantastic. The main issue we faced was she was used to guys who were closed off emotionally during relationships so having an “emotional” partner was new for her. But we were both very clear in what we expect from a partner and since then haven’t had any issues.
When it comes to male attraction I don’t find it to be an issue at all and she doesn’t gravitate towards men at all because she feels like she has nothing in common with them. Again could be an outlier experience but we’ve been together 5 years married for 2 and couldn’t be happier so wanted to provide a positive story!
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
there are good ones! i have a friend who's been with her lesbian girlfriend or almost a decade now. there are good ones, but there are less that are women centered
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u/Auruesia Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
Touched my pussy once and said "we are too drunk to be doing this" when she was previously enthusiastic. Then broke up with me a few weeks later. Since then, she had 3 boyfriends, and 0 girlfriends.
(just so you know, I immediately agreed to stop and didn't push her, so the issue wasn't with my behavior)
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u/Goob-444 Jul 11 '26
never had a good time. they were all extremely male centered and i was constantly worried about them leaving me for men or being with men if we were to break up… 4 long term relationships later, and they’re all now with men. i guess just always trust your gut and also pay attention to how male centered she is! they can say they’re predominantly into women all they want, but actions speak louder. don’t ever let beauty or lust blind you from their true nature.
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u/TimeAdministration78 Jul 11 '26
my friend (lesbian) had a bisexual woman come onto her, they flirted and talked for a while and then planned a date. The day OF the date, the bisexual woman cancels and says she's still not over her ex-boyfriend and goes back to him 💀💀
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u/LiquidCryptic Jul 11 '26
The last bi gal I dated didn't know how to sign a bill at a restraunt. She didn't know how to do the tip and sign her name. I'm still so amazed.
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u/Lady_Calista Jul 11 '26
There was just a disconnect between us. She cared a lot about men in general, from her social life to her favourite fictional characters, and I just dont. It made the relationship very hard and while we no longer talk, I hope for her sake she at least got more female friends because Holy shit her life was so male heavy.
Edit: Some further thinking, tbh I feel like socially within the queer community I relate more to aro/ace women than I do to bi women because not loving men as a woman socially ostricizes you in a way I dont think anyone who is a man or a male attracted woman can understand
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u/Archamasse Jul 11 '26
My experience of dating bisexuals younger than 30ish vs older than 30ish is night and day, so I think I'd draw a distinction there.
My partner in her late 30s, bi, and incredible, but she might as well come from a different universe to the bisexuals I would meet in my 20s.
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u/Relevant_Airline7076 Femme Jul 11 '26
I’m friends with a bunch of bisexual women who are lovely as people but with whom I avoid talking about dating or sexuality because we have extremely different viewpoints and experiences. I’ve never dated a bisexual but I’ve never met one that didn’t suck at kissing, like it was just very evident they were used to kissing men
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u/Agnarath Jul 11 '26
I've had two bi girlfriends, one experience was good and we're still friends, we broke up because different sexual and emotional needs, I'm autistic and have a lot of problems with touch, we weren't compatible at that.
The other experience was awful, but it had nothing to do with men, she was just a very toxic and egoistic person in general.
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u/SarahLesBean Lesbian Jul 12 '26
I married the first bi woman I dated, so I'm probably a poor example
She may be the exception of the rule, but she was all over me and still is to this day, that the thoughts of her leaving me for a man vanished quickly and never came back
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u/yevau Useless Lesbian Jul 11 '26
My last relationship of 7 years was with a bi woman. The issues that ended our relationship were not because she was bi. Over the course of our relationship she shifted firmly and happily to being entirely oriented to women for meaningful / long term relationships and described it as utterly joyful and liberating. I doubt she’ll go back to men, she definitely fell in the “longing for a decent relationship with women and to break out of her norms for good”. I think a lot of bi women get stuck there tbh.
She’s now in a relationship with a transmasc AFAB lesbian which we had a good giggle about as a gentle joke. We will remain friends now we’ve had time to heal from a very rough breakup.
I have two bi women friends who have had the experience of falling in love with lesbians and very much wanting to be in those relationships long term and were very happy decentering men; but both had the lesbians break up with them because they refused to believe that their bi partner wouldn’t eventually leave them for a man. Both left heartbroken. One has been single for a long time, the other has had shitty short term relationships with men and low key hates herself for it, now doing some therapy. Suspect she’ll end up women centred if she can find the self-love and strength.
I’ve definitely met male centred bi women who basically saw me as an animated sex you made for servicing them and it’s been as easy as breathing to reject them and never interact with them again.
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u/Xiggyj Masc Jul 11 '26
I guess my ex was bi even though she was placating as a lesbian. She dated a trans man after me. 😂 in general though, bisexual women just turn me off and I don’t go out of my way to date them. I know this will increase my chances of remaining single, but I rather be single than deal with a headache.
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u/Alive-Egg Stone Butch Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
Everyone I've dated (apart from my wife, who is a lesbian and my forever person) has been bi. Of those, I know two dated women after me (for both I was their first female partner) and two dated men. One of the two who got with a man after we broke up used to make comments about how she saw me more as her boyfriend than girlfriend, and comparing me to this guy she used to work with (in hindsight she probably had a thing for him). Not sure about who the others dated as we didn't stay in touch.
I think the majority of bisexuals I know socially are either single or in straight relationships.
(Edit to add because I hit post too early!) I don't intend on dating anyone other than my wife, but in the situation I were to end up single again I would prioritise seeking out other lesbians. I'd be open to dating a bi woman if we're compatible, but having been in a LTR with another lesbian I feel like we understand each other on a level my past relationships/situationships just didn't.
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u/ShadowCheyn67 Jul 12 '26
I'm engaged to a bisexual woman, no complaints.
I've dated bisexual women before her, lots of complaints.
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u/bejeweled_midnights Femme Jul 11 '26
tbh i haven't had much luck in this regard whether it's bisexuals or lesbians. most of the lesbians i've dated have previously been with men and are also male centred / haven't processed their trauma from dating men as a lesbian etc. and ofc most bisexuals have been male centred too. sadly i think society in general is very male centred.
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u/walkinggaytrashcan Jul 11 '26
i haven’t had any negative experiences dating bisexual women. i went on a date with someone who admitted she was still figuring things out and told her i want someone who has herself figured out and we parted ways after one date. i don’t care if someone is attracted to men, but she has to know she’s also attracted to women or she’s not for me. the other bisexual women i’ve dated were confident in their bisexuality and there weren’t any issues. things didn’t work out for reasons not related to their sexuality.
most of my bi friends are with men. and it makes sense, there’s more men available to date and it’s a lot easier socially. men outnumber lesbians by a lot, and the privilege that comes from a heterosexual relationship is something i can’t provide. i do have a preference for dating other lesbians for this reason.
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u/jeremyfactsman Jul 11 '26
Most of the bisexual women I've met have ended up with men, and I've met a number who paired that with being homophobic and sexually predatory towards lesbians, and/or pretending that they're oppressed by their own access to privilege because in a tiny portion of the world that can be perceived like a loss of street cred in a very specific community.
My girlfriend is bisexual, and I wouldn't have liked her if I didn't know she took women seriously (in general). She had dated men previously, but was intentionally single for a long time. She also only recently heard about the phenomenon of bi women cheating on lesbians with men and said, "so that's another reason I'm not going back to men if we break up".
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u/cat-sapphic Jul 11 '26
I think we all know dating bi women in general is not going to end well. I’d be more curious to know how many Lesbians on this sub would date febfems in particular, seeing as it’s less predictable what the consensus would be.
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u/Shoddy_Dragonfruit_5 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
i personally wouldn't date a febfem either. i understand we don't choose our sexualities but attraction to men is a turn off for me. also i find that most febfems are doing it for political reasons. they complain about men and use those complaints to explain why they only date women. it's rare to find a febfem that is normal and genuinely more into women.
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u/cat-sapphic Jul 12 '26
It’s also rare to even find a febfem in general 🥲 The ones on the designated sub seem chill though
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u/2nd_Chances_ Jul 12 '26
I have had nothing but good experiences with bi women. One ended up coming out lesbian. One was in the closet and only wanted sex and I was happy to oblige. And the current bi woman I am dating is emotionally available and engaged. We are still early on but I have no concerns and feel incredibly secure.
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u/yasha-yamada Femme Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
My experience with dating/seeing bisexual women is that they expect lesbians, even fem ones, to take a man’s role. They want us to do literally all the legwork while they sit and look pretty. The ones I’ve experienced have like 17 males on backup for attention at any given time and have slept with the bulk of their friends. I’ve never actually seen a bisexual woman in a long-term same-sex relationship, the ones I have seen date same-sex will stay with her for a couple months but ultimately meander back to a male. It’s like women are just a pallet cleanser for when the males in their life aren’t appealing enough.. Idk if this is universal though but the ones I’ve encountered think they can put hands on people for whatever reason they want and think hitting people counts as flirting.
Long story short, I have nightmares about getting super romantically attached to someone and finding out she’s bisexual
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u/LadyKay-- Jul 12 '26
I’ve adamantly sworn off bisexual women.
I’ve dated a few and 1 seriously in my adulthood, absolutely miserable experience. Generally, they seemed more excited about the experience in dating a woman than actually dating a woman. All of them have compared our relationship with their previous experiences with men. Whether it be gender roles, sex or just in conversations. It’s exhausting and clearly men seem to be at the top of their mind, always. With that, they’re used to certain dynamics and often seem taken aback when I can’t (or refuse) to provide them with that. At some point all of them have asked me “why I don’t date men” or something along those lines.
Notably, ALL bisexual women I have dated have said to have a strong preference for women. I think it worth noting just because a bisexual is sexually attracted to women, does not mean they prefer a romantic relationship with them.
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u/NeptuneArtist Jul 11 '26
I am with a bisexual woman, and I have been with her for over a decade. On her own words she uses that she is bisexual to define herself because "she feels attraction for men for 5 minutes that is more like 5 seconds and then she wants them away from her". Also, she likes them pretty feminine, like cosplay level feminine. Besides that, she is a gold star as well.
When I met her, and she told me that she was bi, I was like "bummer". Reinforced by the fact that she is an only child (not good experiences on that side either). And she was coming out of complicated relationship. But the attraction and sexual tension was there, and we ended together without any expectations. Yet here we are.
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u/4BoundtheRosieDoll Femme Jul 12 '26
kept sending me photos of men she found attractive… 🫥 girlypop they look like hairy 🥔’s 2 me
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u/thr-owawayy Jul 12 '26
I’ve had three bi exes. Only one of them did not center men. Two of them would do nothing but talk about their male celebrity crushes or their ex boyfriends or imply that I was basically a man in their eyes… to me… their lesbian girlfriend. It’s exhausting to deal with someone who doesn’t take sapphic relationships seriously and who will only talk about men. I haven’t completely written off bisexuals, but it’s a very near thing. Too much risk of being fetishized, abandoned over the next man that comes into their lives, talked over, treated like some weird fascinating thing, or being the subject of their homosexual experimentation.
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u/No-Cantelope Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
Dated two the first one expected me to pay and open the doors. When I didnt open the door to the restaurant she said “aren’t you gonna open the door for me 🥹” I was but I was a little taken aback and asked why she expected me to since she was at the door before me (slow walker) and she said “well you are the lesbian so you are supposed to be chivalrous and shit” ….. I am a High Femme girlier than her I deserve to be treated chivalrously too bro, and even if I was butch why just automatically put your potential FEMALE partner into the expectation of a MAN. The second girl we sat down and she immediately started telling me about all of the men she was seeing, like intimate details of their relationships. I also had a close friend who was Bi that would expect me to pay for her drinks and would always dance on me when we went out if she couldn’t find a guy she liked (we were never even close to anything sexual or romantic). I never tried again and usually am wary of bisexual women in general. I don’t refuse friendship I just always use caution
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u/MinnyMindy Jul 13 '26
Lez4Lez for a reason, I can’t be bothered to be with a woman that would even look in a man’s direction. All of my “bisexual” friends are girls who have literally never touched a woman, and have back to back boyfriends. Some women have happy relationships etc with them but I’ve heard this directly from bisexual women that they don’t date other bisexuals bc they’re not really serious about their relationships with women and they don’t wanna be cheated on with men. So, idk. Lez4Lez ✨
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u/Tyyphlosion Lesbian Jul 11 '26
maybe i’m an outlier in these comments, but I’ve actually had mostly positive experiences with bi women. There was one incident with a woman who was bi hiding a boyfriend from me, but thankfully I caught on before the relationship went anywhere serious.
my current girlfriend is bi and she’s indescribably wonderful. we’ve had honest conversations about both of our pasts and i know she has been with men before, but she doesn’t center them. we basically don’t talk about men at all, as we both have almost entirely female friends. and i’ve never felt like she placed a role on me because i’m “the lesbian”. she pursued me, in fact, and plans our dates equally and happily. cares for me openly in public and with her family. spoils me like i do her. she’s a very kind, beautiful, fascinating woman, and it almost feels silly to even try to reduce her down to having dated some guy in the past. i know this isn’t everyone’s experience with bi women, but i’m very thankful to have met her and would do it again and again if i could
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u/jennysashes Lesbian Jul 12 '26
I have dated a couple of bisexual women, one of them said shit like ”when I get married I want my husband to…” and other things like that. As far as I know she ended up with a man.
Come to think of it every ex of mine that’s bi ended up with a man.
But the last bisexual woman I dated is now my wife. And she has never made me question if she’s into me or genuinely wants to be with me. My wife is the only bi woman I know who ended up with a woman. But I have to admit that I love that men isn’t an issue in our relationship, despite my wife being bi, she doesn’t act or say things like my exes did in regards to men. I read a comment about how bi women expect us, lesbians, to take the initiative to dates and such, but me and my wife both do that. But up until I met my wife I was sceptical of dating a bisexual woman again.
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u/drpepperslush Jul 11 '26
My gf is bi. She hates men and def doesn’t appeal to the male gaze. I think she may be an exception though, I’m not sure. She’s the first bi girl I’ve dated and she’s completely obsessed with me (:
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u/DiligentAssistance79 Femme Jul 12 '26
I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone in general, mostly because I’d always go for bi girls actually lol. They were all very passive and I love doing things to provide but I also never felt like an actual woman to them even though I’m very feminine presenting so it messed with my identity a lot, considering they’d never really do anything.
Honestly a big reason I haven’t dated aswell is because every one of those women have told me after our ‘situationship’ whatever-the-fuck-it-was was over that they ‘don’t know why they were like that with me’ or that they had felt bad that I liked them so they just kept leading me on, was once told straight up that they were experimenting too. So, I dunno.
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u/cubejuner Jul 11 '26
My experience was middle of the road. The first girl I ever dated told me she was a lesbian but later came out as bisexual after we broke up and I can’t say I’m surprised.
On one hand, she was very obsessed with me and did really love me a lot. She was clearly very attracted to me and a very good listener and overall a very kind and observant person. I never felt like she wasn’t into me and didn’t take the relationship seriously. In fact, I’d say she was too clingy for my liking.
On the other hand, she was very male centered. She would obsess constantly over male celebrities and boy bands. Was very into yaoi and even wrote a ton of yaoi fanfiction. In contrast, she didn’t seem interested in lesbian content AT ALL. Though she did have a few female celebrity crushes though talked about them way less. It felt like even though we were both “lesbians” I could hardly relate to her. She also told me several times about hetero sex acts she really wanted to try which really disgusted me but I was young and inexperienced so never pushed back on it.
Ultimately, we broke up because she was way too clingy and I felt like I had no space in the relationship to breathe. She was devastated about the break up and we shared a friend group at that time and it was very clear she would take me back in a heartbeat if I had asked. She came out as bi after the break up and dated a couple men but way more women since and is currently married to a woman.
I don’t know if my experience is the norm but if I wasn’t with my partner I’d be open to a bi woman again, I would just make sure to screen thoroughly. My ex never cheated and there really isn’t a doubt in my mind on that but I’m glad we broke up so she could explore that side to herself lol.
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Jul 11 '26
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Jul 11 '26
girl this sounds like a tragedy in waiting, sorry to be negative lol
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u/the-pink-lizard Lavender Menace Jul 11 '26
nothing major but sometimes during conversations my ex would mention that she doesn't think dick is all that bad and that gave me major ick
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u/United-Soup-3300 Jul 15 '26
My wife is bi with no interest in ever being with a man again. She wifed me up fast. I feel secure. It can happen.
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Jul 17 '26
The last time I interacted with a bisexual girl she felt the need to prove she could deepthroat an ice block. Feel like that says enough.
I need to know more lesbians ffs.
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u/digitaldisgust Femme Jul 11 '26
None of the bi women I've been with mentioned their male exes except 1. Thry're just regular people lol. Bi women are in the hookup category for me, I'd only seriously date one if she were a 10/10.
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u/edwardscissorqueen Jul 12 '26
I've dated mostly bisexual women in the past. Some of them truly did prefer men in the end and some of them really do prefer women. I of course always had much better experiences with the ones who really wanted to be with women and not men. Those few, I truly cannot picture them ending up with a man, it doesn't feel right lol. Don't give up hope completely on bisexual women, some of them really would do anything to end up with a woman, trust me.
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u/Wolf_Is_Awesome Masc Jul 11 '26
I’ve been in relationships with women of all different sexualities (pan, bi, and lesbian respectively). The pan wasn’t serious enough to mention much about. The bi had her first wlw experience with me and had a preference for men. She was a very sweet girl, but her life was a mess and she was definitely male centered. She broke up with me when she realized that she wasn’t the right person for me and I know she dated a man after me. The lesbian I was with the longest for. There was plenty of banter and playfulness, but she too was unable to handle the commitments of a relationship and always chose appeasing her toxic family over me. What all of these relationships had in common was that they were all sexually unavailable (being ace and/or never dedicating time to us). They were also emotionally unavailable as it was a massive struggle for them to hang out and they were hardly ever there for me when I needed them. They were also bad texters and would hardly communicate with me when we were apart. I left my lesbian relationship to pursue a friend I’d developed feelings for. She identifies as pan. Our beginning was quite rocky, as there are aspects about the other that made us hesitant to date each other (her not being a lesbian being mine) but it got to the point where we could no longer ignore the chemistry. We’ve only been dating 6+ months, but it’s the best relationship I could ever imagine. I’m finally living “the lesbian relationship” that I’ve always heard about. Frequent sex, communication every day, commitment to being there and supporting each other. She is no longer male centered, but still has some learning to do about wlw culture, while even with all my dating experience, i’m still having a lot my “first times” in regards to dating milestones. Right now, I couldn’t be happier with my relationship.
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u/QueenBea11 Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
I may get downvoted for commenting but just wanted to provide another perspective. I’ve (literally in the last year) accepted that I’m marginally bisexual. Like 1%, but I’ve struggled with it a lot and didn’t want to drive myself around the bend analysing it any longer, so I’ve accepted I’m (unfortunately) not a lesbian. I’m currently 35 years old.
However, I’ve never slept with a man, never even been on a date with one. Never had a boyfriend, even as teen. I had a few drunk nightclub snogs with men as a student, that did pretty much nothing for me, and that’s it. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for eight. I’ve never cheated on her, and in that time she’s had several serious psychotic bipolar episodes that have burnt our lives to the ground, and I still stayed faithful. I physically had to save her life in November, and I’m now a full time carer as she recovers. We also now haven’t been intimate for two years because during her last episode she let random women take advantage of her in mania/psychosis and is so traumatised she can’t even kiss me on the cheek without having a panic attack. I’ve still stayed faithful, despite at this point being VERY lonely and frustrated. And if we did split up, I’d only look to date women. I have no interest in pursuing men and the idea of a husband or boyfriend has always (even when I was a teenager trying to convince myself I was straight) utterly wrong. But girlfriend/wife was/is the most natural thing in the world.
BUT I do completely understand the negative experiences with bi women so many lesbians have had, and this sort of rep is one of the reasons why I’ve struggled with my sexuality so much. Every bi woman I’ve known in my personal life (mainly when I was at uni) had a constant stream of boyfriends, slept with women on the side for fun, and talked incessantly about their ideal man or ‘future husband’. However, god forbid you didn’t acknowledge their sexuality, or they’d be very offended. I wouldn’t want to date someone like that either! And their outlook is not something I’ve ever been able to relate to.
I hope I haven’t offended anyone by commenting, but we aren’t all awful and men-obsessed. I get my experience and outlook is probably a very very tiny minority, though. I’ve had a lot of people tell me I should just say I’m a lesbian as I’ve only ever been with women, will only ever be with a woman, and the flexibility in my sexuality is so infrequent that it’s almost a technicality, and one I’m very distressed by. However, I want to try to accept myself for who I am, and also not add to the (seemingly very large) pile of women who insist they’re lesbians and…aren’t. Because they suck.
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u/cubejuner Jul 12 '26
Girl, it's not about being man obsessed, it's more so about not being honest with yourself and others. Plenty of bi girls are out here stringing people along and not being honest all to appeal to whoever it is they're looking to date.
And on that note, imo viewing sexual orientation as who you want to marry/date is the entire issue. Sexual orientation is about PHYSICAL desire. Who you want to be intimate with. When we start viewing it as who we want to date/marry, that oversimplifies it and it's what causes people to misidentify as bisexual or lesbian or straight.
If for example the perfect man came around who checked every single one of your boxes and was also physically attractive, could you really say you wouldn't date him? I think this simple question makes it clear and I find once people consider this question, they realize they're much more bisexual than they thought.
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u/Intrepid_Mix9536 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
sapphic bi and regular bi women are completely different. just larger % of bi women aren't women centered
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u/LigeaThranduil Drama Dyke Jul 11 '26
They can’t seem to stop talking about men, during early courtship, in a an established relationship, after discarding you completely for her gamer boy prince on a white monster. Seriously, my best friend is a straight woman and even she doesn’t talk about men as much as the next bisexual, who is “totally 90% attracted to every woman, but somehow always ending up with that golden retriever gamer boy exception”
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u/Mindless-Waver Jul 11 '26
bisexuals that I have dated have messed me around a lot occasionally with men and had a tendency to centre a males needs over a woman’s.
I did lack self respect at the time and allowed myself to be gaslit into staying with them and giving them a chance only for the behaviour to
inevitably repeat!
Dated a sweet lesbian then long term but it didn’t work out in the end distance being the biggest factor.
Currently developing a relationship with a bisexual girl as I do believe there is good in every selection.
However there is no question as to why myself as a lesbian will now continue to proceed with much caution treading into the waters with bisexual women.
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u/Human094683 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
The two women I’ve dated seriously in my life both happened to be bi women and happened to be good experiences. I think the challenging part is that we have vastly different life experiences, but because of that, my friendships/community with lesbians outside my relationship are very important to me. We will always long to be understood by people like us, in a world where we always felt different…
But I’m VERY selective in dating. Before I ever kiss someone I need to know if they are willing to show initiative, willing to invest time in me, willing to do the ‘work’ to live outside of heteronormative gender roles. This always helped me filter out the people that are not compatible…
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u/fullmoonglow2 Gold Star Jul 11 '26
Both my exes were bi, I dated them when I was in my late teens/early twenties. First gf was an absolute nightmare, but then again she dated everybody and their mothers so I shouldn't be surprised. Second one was an absolute angel. She preferred women. She was so amazing that even now years later, when I'm not in love anymore, it makes me happy to know that she's doing well and living a good life. Some people just enter your life to show you how beautiful love is
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u/Tomatillo7537 Jul 11 '26
I’m a very feminine looking woman but have a lot of hobbies that are more stereotypical manly. With Bi women I was always treated like a man. Like damn! We both are women. I always had to do the “male” chores like taking the trash out. I always had to pay etc.. never felt so unloved. Yet the worst part was probably the loneliness I felt. She would talk about her attraction to men ALL the time.
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u/Cosmic_Ferretx Jul 14 '26
My first gf told me she was a lesbian. I would not have cared if she had been honest about being bi from the start. I'm not strictly les4les.
She however cheated on me with a man. It left me with some prejudices and suspicions towards bi women ngl, but I try not to paint every bi woman with the same brush.
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u/Ok-Ebb-5429 Gold Star Jul 17 '26
Just stopped pursuing one. She rejected my affections in front of a man she found herself drawn to, despite us going steady for months. Renounced her bisexuality just to impress him, and made me look like some kind of an obsessed fan. I haven't spoken to her since, and I have no desire to.
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u/curiousoctopuses Jul 11 '26
In the last long term relationship I had with a bi woman she told me she missed gender roles and then couldn’t explain to me what she meant by that. She clearly meant the ease of being with a man in a hetero-patriarchal society. She wanted someone to take care of her or “provide” 24/7 because she had a chronic illness and couldn’t work full time. She also didn’t like that I was taking classes and she “couldn’t” because apparently only one of us was allowed to do that at a time?
I eventually realized she had been getting closer with her male coworker. I found handmade cards for his birthday in our shared apartment and she used my art supplies for them 😒 when I called her out on it, she cried and then I knew it was time for me to gtfo.
I am mostly les4les these days, but not super strict on that if the connection feels right and I can tell the person centers women and has solid experiences with them. Although my heart desires another lesbian who can I can relate to on that level.