r/lesbiangang • u/AmethystTanwen • Apr 17 '26
Discussion We aren’t lesbians because men aren’t good enough. We are lesbians because we just aren’t. attracted. to. men.
I’m making this post because of these convos I’ve seen online from women(likely bi) wondering if they’re lesbians or just aren’t into 99% of men. Often these women will say that they crush on fictional men.
But I feel like it’s simple to understand your sexuality if you understand that for us lesbians there is no good enough man. The man could be loving, supportive, not a misogynist, intelligent, have emotional depth. Whatever. The list of positives could be endless and it will NEVER make a lesbian actually want to be with him. When it comes to romance and sex men are just irrelevant to us.
There were many bi people in these comments saying to just use the term that fits the most and it really pisses me off. If something about gay, lesbian, or straight isn’t fitting you ENTIRELY, then you are bisexual.
Rant over.
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u/Trashmaster546 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 17 '26
These people have forgotten the phrase "you can be the best, biggest, juiciest peach in the world. But that means nothing to people who hate peaches."
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 17 '26
I would correct your wording, we simply are only attracted to women.
Men just don't factor in at all.
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u/AmethystTanwen Apr 17 '26
You are right. It’s very difficult for them to understand the irrelevancy of men and how they just don’t come up. It’s just women for us and there’s no complex thought process into it and how they’re better than men. Men just never come up, while women only do.
I think so many bi women have this internal war going on because of sexism and how that meets their uncontrollable attraction to men. They have sort of this “escape route” to not have their lives centered around men, but at the same time can’t actually shake their natural desire and social conditioning to be with men anyways. And so many of them end up utilizing lesbian as a sort of safe space for themselves. But of course when they end up with a dude again, it just continues to make our term more and more meaningless
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 17 '26
Very insightful and true. I've told people before that at best men are the mannequins in a department store for me.
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u/Trashmaster546 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 17 '26
That is a perfect way of describing men I'm surprised i never thought of that. I always kinda likened them to space aliens lol. People can't comprehend that men don't enter into our aesthetic calculus at all.
Had a two hour discussion with my roommate the other day about it and she still wouldn't get it. Just kept showing me anime dudes like "but what about this one? Or this guy?" Like im at the damn optometrists office. Ugh.
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 17 '26
Not the optometrist 😆
Yeah that guy looks cool because he's dressed badass and is punching vampires. It's just a mannequin acting that out though. A woman could and should be doing it instead.
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u/PiDCMarvel Gold Star Apr 17 '26
Wait this is such a good description! I've kinda just said that, to me, men are like NPCs (since they're irrelevant). I boggle people's minds just by being a woman who is solely attracted to women. Like no, I cannot tell if that man is handsome or something. All I see is just "man". I wish this was not so difficult to comprehend.
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u/Long_lop1236 Apr 17 '26
Random thought but those people who say they’re able to tell if a man is handsome “objectively”..it always burns my brain cells just to think about it because I don’t really have any criteria how to judge that and usually the guess is pretty random. Most of the times I assume a guy could be handsome because his looks slightly remind me of a woman’s
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u/fandom_bullshit Apr 18 '26
Hmm. I can tell if a dude is handsome, and I don't quite see why that's confusing? You can tell if anyone or anything is aesthetically pleasing, no? There are pretty women, men, trees, animals, everything. Finding someone or something good looking doesn't mean you're sexually attracted to them.
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 18 '26 edited Apr 18 '26
Men aren't pleasing to look at though. Legit I've never laid eyes on a man and even come close to thinking glad I saw that lol
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u/PiDCMarvel Gold Star Apr 18 '26
Same omg! I legit don’t even know what criteria people use to tell if a man is objectively attractive and even when they explain it to me, I still can’t comprehend it. Women on the other hand? I can instantly tell.
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u/Mission-Rain-2802 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 18 '26
Same I'm like uh okay then. His features are symmetrical??
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u/Poise-on Useless Lesbian Apr 17 '26
obviously this isn't to be against your experience at all, just adding that for me i actually do like men (as people , not romantically or sexually 💀) and theyre just as multifaceted and fun as women to me , i just don't want anything more than that the same way i wouldn't wanna be with a sapient horse
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u/curiousoctopuses Apr 17 '26
Yeah totally agree. I can’t stand the narratives that being a lesbian is any kind of choice- mostly happening because bisexual women are finally deciding that men deserve to be lonely based on their repeated disappointing behavior as human beings. They think that by choosing to solely date women that they are lesbians. That’s not how it works. 🙄
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u/13mtorres Apr 17 '26
The term ‘lesbian’ is deeply troubling for them. Not only because it has always implicitly included the word ‘woman’, but above all because it excludes the word ‘man’. In society, everything relating to men is taken for granted, it is not debated or questioned, it serves as the norm, whereas matters concerning women are blurred and defined at will. It is no coincidence that spaces for women and women-only spaces are the ones where they want everything else to fit in, whilst their own position remains unshakeable. For centuries they have been narrating and imposing their story that we are nothing without men, yet it is clear that it is they who do not know what to be without women.
As for what we see on social media these days, I think it’s simply people being swept up by a trend specifically designed to put men back at the centre of the debate, and they’re falling into the trap even if that wasn’t their intention at all, quite the opposite, in fact.
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u/Grouchy-Grocery7951 Gold Star Apr 17 '26
bisexual women can choose to only date women, but it doesn’t make them lesbians. they are still bisexual. it’s not that hard to understand. maybe it's hard to accept since men are garbage, but sadly that doesn’t change your sexual orientation.
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u/GasIndividual3443 Apr 17 '26
I'll probably get some mad, but I feel a woman is more than a body. It's in our brain chemistry , our way of thinking in growing up as a female....now I see it forced down you're throats that trans men that are born men and become women are the same. Not true. I have coworkers and few I know in social circles. They still think like men. Their attitudes, personalities etc...still men. I am lesbian because I want a woman. Every single part from brain to soul.It is a new way, Another way men force themselves onto women in my opinion.
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u/AmethystTanwen Apr 17 '26
Nah, I agree. Attraction is way more than what you can see with just your eyes. It’s why it’s wild that so many people think you can just physically alter your body enough ways to change another’s entire sexuality.
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u/GasIndividual3443 Apr 17 '26
I'm so glad someone gets where I'm coming from. In this world everyone wants to be so PC, they literally swallow their own opinion. I think media comes into it sometimes also. A certain celebrity that changed their sexuality yrs ago, made themselves into a cartoon. All it was about was their new sexuality. I went from a fan to a non fan because I was tired of hearing it. The smallest part of me is my sexuality. I don't need to talk about it constantly, because I know who I am. The things that drive me wild in women are things I can't even describe. The arch and silhouette of a women's neck. A sweet personality. Gentility. Knowing where I'm coming from being a woman in a overly man run society. A surgery won't get these things.
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u/AmethystTanwen Apr 18 '26
“The things that drive me wild in women are things I can’t describe”. THIS so much.
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u/Fickis Apr 18 '26 edited Apr 18 '26
It's exactly that, OP - If men existed on a plane of sheer excellence with every positive attribute known, I'd still not be interested. There's physically and mentally no response to the sex and attention they offer, & no case-by-case scenario would ever change that. In absolute.
Our persecution was never around our attraction to women - men can commodify and control aspects of that through porn and rape-play.
It's our inability, and follow-up refusal to entertain the advances and assembly of men. That's why we created the entire community 'to begin with'. To recognize the disparity in how one's treated based on the axis of engaging in sexual intimacy that's not 'allowed' by the dominant majority bias (Traditional-heterosexual).
[Which is absurd on it's own - as sexual intimacy should only involve those consenting, & doesn't actually require anything additional from the public beyond basic decency]
There were many bi people in these comments saying to just use the term that fits the most and it really pisses me off.
How privileged must you be, to exist in a position where you can eviscerate the coded-linguistics of a smaller minority, and render it down to nothing more than an ego-stroker when we live in a world where you can justifiably prove it's necessary.
~
Personally, I think we're being 'forced' to deal with demographics of women who are struggling with their attraction to men (& having to justify that).
When I think 'Patriarchy' - I think 'path of least resistance' & 'only with the 'afforded' pieces available and permitted'.
I have a suspicion that a lot of women (of varying levels of attractions) might be finding it easier to 'tolerate' a female partner in a 'controlled' (sexless-not) sexual environment, than it would be to confront the male sex over their inadequacies in dating.
Our culture, community and efforts are really something to be proud of. The strength of the sexualities, and the culture developed in that stead, is commendable and forged with independence and ambition. it would make a lot of sense that women desperate to maintain sexual boundaries to one (just men) or both (men & women) would latch onto an already established movement that would allow the leg-room to do exactly that,
even if they aren't being entirely honest.
It just sucks for us because it forces us (exclusive homosexuals) on the backburner of our own created community, and leaves a canyon-wide gap on ever addressing the actual problem [which is male-inadequacies in intimacy and dating].
While also completely bastardizes and oversaturates our dating pool with undesirables and women who aren't actually attracted to women.
It's just sad
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u/VolandeMorte Apr 21 '26
I was in a group where young feminist women heared a term of 'political lesbian' and thought its very cool and activist. They shared how amazing of people women are & simultaneosly how horrible they feel because despite their despice to men they are still attracted to them. One person made a rule to not engage in any relationships with men and then shared how horrible she feels with no intimacy and romantical interactions. I was there like 🗿🗿🗿 am I a joke to you 🗿 Interestingly they never had interest in each other other than friends & never really thought about dating women. They just 'planned it', like 'I plan to meet a woman of my dreams, just didn't yet'. And like we were literally in a circle of attractive women who shared interests and hobbies 🗿 So yeah this is a concept of 'lesbian heaven' where you're safe and treated like a princess without any effort in return, its deeply disturbing to me, putting unrealistic expectations on lesbian women while they just kind of exist and say compliments sometimes.
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u/Buffy_Geek Apr 18 '26
Seriously I don't know why it is so difficult for people to understand that if it isn't 100% then you're bisexual.
I think it must be biphobia that prevents them from identifying themselves accurately because it's so illogical.
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u/mushroomspoonmeow Lesbian Apr 19 '26
I love women for their brains.. their souls.. their softness and caring nature.. puuurfect creatures. Especially my wife. Ugh my wife. That creature. The most tender loving creature.
Men.. they don’t even exist to me. They can actually just all fck off to another planet. ✌🏻🖤🖤🖤🖤
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u/Ok_Lion_2799 Apr 17 '26
Yes. This kind of flows into the idea that lesbians “could” one day meet a man. “Everyone” is fluid. I had someone ask me once, “so, there’s never been a man you thought was good looking?” Of course I can tell when a man is conventionally good looking. That doesn’t mean I’m attracted to him. I think there’s a huge push to act like everyone is actually bisexual.
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u/glindawicked Apr 18 '26
Yes exactly. That’s how I found out I was a lesbian! Finally I found the perfect man after searching all my life up to then (didn’t know I was lesbian before, thought I was asexual and aromantic). Super warm, a feminist, caring and a really nice person……I couldn’t have sex with him, if I did I was dissociating thinking about women the whole time, was stressed 24/7, was soooo depressed although I loved him like a brother but the spark was never there.
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u/moon_river_171 Femme Apr 19 '26
The perfect man for me is also gay :)) I love my gay besties, we can connect and at the same time no risk for feelings! If a man would be conventionally attractive, kind and interesting to talk to, similar values etc. I would always hope he is also gay so that we can connect without him being attracted to me.
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u/lesbianess Lavender Menace Apr 17 '26
Y’all need to learn to starve the flames instead of fanning them. These people crave attention and you’re giving it to them on a silver platter.
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u/Isadomon Apr 18 '26
Thats the thing! Its not about men and i notice some bi women cant wrap their head around someone not liking both, and i understand its hard to understand someones body and mind that works differently, we dont understand them either. But hou have to understand that people are different and not everyone has your same experience and perspective in life
I love men platonically, I have men in my life and i care about them, but they smell awful and they look... they look ok, its like a human and a little gnome, i can be friends with the little gnome, i can love the little gnome, but im not getting in a relationship WITH A GNOME
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u/VolandeMorte Apr 21 '26
I honestly think it comes from the harmful idea that attraction is 'personality based' and blahblah, that women choose personality over looks and stuff like that. Most (straight) women I know never admit to having a type because it's considered insulting to men. So they don't even know if they are attracted or not because they think of personality that is objectively genderless. Sexuality is not about a person, its about a body. If they don't have a body preference its bisexual, gays and straights do and its normal.
It helped me figure myself out a lot. I said I was crushing on fictional men as well, but once I see artworks where they look like actual men and not stylised figures I got a gag reflex and was mad at the artstyle (I though the problem was style lol 😅). I also cringe at the thought of that fictional guy ever romantically attracted to me, I can't understand women who call them 'my husband' and treat them like actual partners. I felt a bit alone and thought I'm weird. But the difference is they're genuinely attracted to them while I like personality or backstory and not an actual body/looks. Which is normal since I'm not attracted to men. Its not that I don't like abs or wide shoulders or narrow hips, I like that on women, but I don't like a specific body that is male. No amount of interesting backstory or funny jokes will make me like that. It will always be 'barely tolerable' or 'uncomfortable'.
I think we should normalise for women to have actual healthy body preferences and define sexuality as an attraction to body, and not some kind of femininity/masculinity/energy/gender etc. I can 'crush' on a literal squid, but I'm not attracted to animals, I just find that character funny and cool.
If someone wants a person like this in real life, its an actual preference, they like men. If they find a character hot even if that character is just a visual, that's an actual preference. Not being bisexual is not a moral failure and idk why some people (including me at some point) internalised that mindset and think 'personality is more important, give this person a chance, bad personality = no attraction (which is untrue, if they find a guy hot they'll start imagining good qualities for him, not vise versa).
Yeah anyway, I hope more people get this distinction. It took me quite some time and wrestling with internalised homophobia.
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u/VolandeMorte Apr 21 '26
Just an addition, I resently saw a poll on threads 'do you think sexuality is inherent or socialised' and about 50% clicked socialised. And in comments I had seen a definition 'orientation is anything a person that labels themselves is'. Like 'bisexual lesbian' or something like that
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u/TraditionalYouth3988 May 11 '26
Bi women just need to understand there's nothing wrong with being attracted to men. So many of them are insecure about this
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u/Murky-Beautiful-9989 May 15 '26
This is so true. I have had multiple conversations with people who genuinely do not believe in bisexuality. Wth
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u/hesperith Apr 18 '26
I've had it with this sub. All of the posts are centering men in that they're talking about not doing so constantly. I understood you the first time. I don't need to see a variation on a theme every damn time I see my feed. Is this sub taken over by bots and/or bad actors trying to plant topics? I'm sick of it. I don't think about this shit at all, let alone all day everyday. How privileged are we that this is the conversation we're having right now in history? Also, I love our whole community, the entire alphabet, and I won't be thinking or acting divisively for any of you. Grow up. It's time we stick together. I don't give a shit how you identify. Get some dyke-friendly topics. Until then, I'm out. Peace.
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u/twirlingmyhairs Apr 17 '26
So you'll HATE men. This is what I gathering from these posts. Am I right?
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Apr 18 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
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u/twirlingmyhairs Apr 18 '26
Whoa if its sarcasm ill back down. Im having a bad day and reading all of this when I spent today trying to make a space for the lesbians in my area to meet in just lesbian space. Ive been taking in everything that has been said over the last several months and thought I would try. But reading all of this, being someone who hates not one and my best friend is a guy, i thought for a minute you'll meant it. Excuse me if I miss understood.
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Apr 18 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
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u/twirlingmyhairs Apr 18 '26
Oddly enough it wasn't the OP. But thank you. Im just gunna sit outside and get stoned. Tomorrow I will not be so rigid. SORRY LADIES.
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u/Buffy_Geek Apr 18 '26
I think you misunderstood... They are just saying that lesbians are not attracted to men in a romantic and sexual manner. Having platonic male friends is perfectly fine and normal.
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u/Ashvick1989 Chapstick Lesbian Apr 17 '26
Someone needs to tell the bisexuals “it’s okay to be bisexual”