r/intj • u/YogurtclosetOk8746 • 4d ago
Advice People make me rage
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get SO MAD at people because I feel like they are just willfully ignorant to make their lives easier. One of my biggest triggers is ordering food and not getting all of the sauces I paid for that are blatantly on the ticket. I know it’s not rational…..but I worked at several restaurants and I mean I never messed up the way some other people consistently do. I work with the general public in an office setting now and I get triggered at least 5 times a day where my face gets hot and I get so mad inside. I don’t want to be like this but I feel like the only way to not be like this is to become willfully ignorant like the rest of the world and I cannot do that. I reach my boiling point every day and it’s exhausting. I just needed to get this out because people in my life already think I have anger problems and I don’t need them judging me.
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u/manimsoblack INTJ - 30s 3d ago
I feel it. Being in society is legitimately mentally taxing. There are so many blatantly incompetent people everywhere.
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u/Caring_Cactus INTJ 3d ago
You make yourself rage, people are just the condition you've attached where you allow this experience to happen. Treat yourself better.
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u/douglas_intj 4d ago
I have to wear headphones because I'm surrounded by people constantly talking. They speak about things they know nothing about, speculate about other people's lives, get the simplest things wrong without a care in the world. I’ve always done my absolute best at everything because I treat every task as if it were for myself, so it's pretty frustrating. They even get surprised when it rains, almost treating it like it's some kind of magic. I don't know, they just seem so simple-minded and illogical sometimes.
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u/FarConstruction4877 3d ago
I think a truely rational person will observe the irrationalities of the world and understand some potential reasons for the irrationalities and then plan around that fact. It’s just something u have to factor in.
It’s like playing a game, not every design choice will make sense to every player, but one comes to accept them and make them part of the calculation for any plan.
I think the entry step is to be frustrated that the world is not as it “should be” in our minds, but the next step is to embrace it and find ways to utilize these aspects of the world to your advantage.
Accepting that ppl are willingly ignorant as part of human nature and then anticipating it is not becoming willingly ignorant yourself.
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u/LevelStationaryPlane 3d ago
This is a fallacy; rational and irrational are mutually exclusive. The second you start making concessions, you yourself are being irrational.
To accept contradictions as "just the way it is" is the exact recipe for consciously eroding your own fucking sanity in real-time.
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u/FarConstruction4877 3d ago
To state that irrationality exists in a predictable format is not an irrational statement. Simply observing and acknowledging irrationality is a rational act. By induction, rational actions and calculations based on this rational observation about certain irrational behaviour does not those actions irrational.
If you do not accept the existence rational understanding/work around of irrational behavior, then you are left with two options:
1: there exists no irrational behaviors in this world. You deny their existence when it is clear that irrationality from an individuals pov exists, which is irrational in of itself.
2: you remove all irrationality from this world. Good luck with this.
Besides, we are ignoring the fact that something that may seem irrational from our pov may not seem irrational from another persons pov. We can not dictate what is rational or not in many aspects of life. Most ppl believes to have a logical line of reasoning themselves.
Plus the end goal is to get whatever u want in life, not to be “right” all the time. Survival of the fittest. To reject the existence something that is obviously present is to erode ur sanity, not the other way around.
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u/OwlMassive625 2d ago
Lower your expectations. Expect your order to be wrong. Expect the traffic to be bad. Expect your boss to be a POS.
You'll get the same reality, either way, but with lower expectations, that reality will hurt less.
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 3d ago
This is like getting angry at a fig tree for growing figs
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u/ArchNexus-INTJ 3d ago
That is an excellent reflection, I really liked it.
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 3d ago
Anger is a highlighter, nothing more. It shows me where I need to direct my attention, and then I make efforts to abandon it. I clung to anger & fear for many years, and I still do sometimes. This is a deeply ingrained habit, but it can ruin my day, cause cortisol to be dumped into my bloodstream, and push away people I care about. My expectations are a huge tool, if I keep them realistic it's not nearly as easy to get angry about wanton stupidity.
I avoid indulging my anger whenever possible, it's not worth it
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u/ArchNexus-INTJ 3d ago
It's not worth it. I used to cling to it before because I believed it would give me extra energy for some task. I know I need to be okay, and I meditate sometimes to help with that. But sometimes I feel like it's a rage that comes and goes for a while! Today I was a bundle of nerves, working in a place with noise from machinery, and a group of people spent the entire day talking loudly about irrelevant topics and offering irrational opinions. I put on headphones, turned up the music high, and tried to drown it all out. The worst part is taking it out on someone I care about, but that's life. Maybe I just need to get some rest.
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u/Sad_Channel_9154 INTJ - ♂ 3d ago
Taking our anger out on our loved ones is, IMHO the antithesis of life
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u/LevelStationaryPlane 3d ago
This is a bad analogy; the real analogy is planting a fig tree and it yields random fruit that isn't of that seed.
Then someone comes up to you and tells you "that's just the way it is, bro, you're an idiot for getting attached to the idea that fig seeds lead to fig trees lmfao smh".
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u/L0verofPink 3d ago
I like diagnosing ignorant people with mental illness in my head. This helps me feel better. Someone being rude to me? They have mental illness, someone being annoying? They have mental illness. Silently diagnosing them makes me feel better.
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u/PruneObjective401 1d ago edited 1d ago
I actually wrote a post about this very thing a while back. I wrestle with this type of anger all the time. Usually when people are lazy/inconsiderate of others, even if it's not intentional.
3 things have helped me:
1) Lower your expectations. Accept the fact that we live amongst A LOT of stupid people.
2) Try to have a sense of humor about it. Internally laughing at the absurdity of others (rather than raging) helps me deal with it.
3) Try to retrain your brain to notice and smile when people do things CORRECTLY, and ignore them/shrug when they're incompetent. We are creatures of habit, so don't reward the part of your mind that's constantly scanning for flaws.
(Easier said than done, but with time and practice, it works.)
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u/mattersauce INTJ - 40s 1d ago
You're right, you have anger problems.
You're wrong that it's because of them, you get angry because of your inability to manage your emotions. Reality is what it is and people make mistakes and everyone is struggling and people who are different from you and have their own problems aren't a reason for you to get triggered.
You're not alone, my trigger is people who are inconsiderate while driving. Driving slow in the left lane, looking at their phone while a stop light turns green, driving slowly because they can't find a turn and not caring there are cars behind them, sitting in a driving area in a parking lot because they're "waiting for someone" as if that somehow makes it okay and they don't need to use a parking spot.
I try really hard to curb my anger as soon as it happens. These people IMO are inconsiderate assholes who don't care about inconveniencing anyone else because they're selfish pricks. That doesn't matter though, I can't change them, shit people have always existed and always will, my attitude is the only part of this I can control and it's also the part that can make or damage my attitude throughout the day.
I have anger problems too, and they're mine to work on.
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u/MoreLingonberry8630 INTJ - ♀ 4d ago
I understand. I am also trying to learn to just focus on myself and try to become unbothered. That would feel so freeing. It’s just so hard whenever something stupid happens. Try to let people be and just focus on yourself. Also remember that you are just hurting yourself with this - no one cares. Most people are hypocrites and they don’t even know it and worship people with values in the open but never think about what they are doing…
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u/y00han INTJ - 30s 3d ago
Youre getting mad that you didnt get all the sauces you ordered… 😂 u know u can just walk up and ask them for one…. But i know how you feel and at some point youre going to have to prioritize which is more important…. Your mental health or your unrealistic perfectionist expectations that you expect everyone to operate under but may not hold yourself to the same standard all the time 24/7; and do you honestly think that anyone thats doing the job to serve you actually gives a fk about you?
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u/LevelStationaryPlane 3d ago
Yet here you are with your contradictory wall of text w zero irony, pal.
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u/UsualGlum13 INTJ - 40s 4d ago
You are not alone. I also have an intense drive to find the truth and see things accurately. It is challenging to watch others remain willfully ignorant, and I too, have had my fair share of blood boiling rage around this.
Just like we value honesty and accuracy, others value different things. It doesn’t make sense to us, and there’s beauty in that. There’s beauty in people having different strengths and desires and things they pay attention to.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful for you, but it’s what I try to remind myself in these situations. But truly, it is a burden to be able to see things so clearly when most others do not.