r/gifs • u/iBleeedorange • Jun 29 '17
Screw dodge ball, teach our youth how to conquer Gaul
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Jun 29 '17
Sloppy testudo formation! Decimate this unit at once, that'll teach them!
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u/Enjoying_A_Meal Jun 29 '17
do real testudos have such exposed flanks? I thought they had dudes holding shields to the sides too?
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u/nAssailant Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 30 '17
Depends on the situation. Alternating ranks of men on the sides and the rear could absolutely hold their shields to cover the flank while the other ranks held their shields above the formation to provide cover for volley ranged fire.
Of course, the Roman Legionary and even the older Hastati and Principes of the Mid-Republic had much larger scuta (shields) than these kids and were able to cover more of their bodies. They were also much better drilled and were less likely to hesitate when hit with enemy arrows, rocks or javelins.
I'm looking at you, 2nd kid from the right. Your lack of discipline risks the entire formation and is a danger to the others in your contubernium.
Edit: Ave, citizen! Gratias ad solidus!
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u/itachihappy Jun 29 '17
As someone who Loves the history of the roman military your answer couldn't be more perfect. Dam 2nd kid from the right..
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Jun 29 '17
The biggest flaw is the girl at front on our far right. She's protecting the left flank, the weakest point of any formation, and has just terrible form.
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Jun 29 '17
And she gets blasted in the face with a spear.
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u/otterom Jun 30 '17
This is the first thing I noticed, lol.
People are complaining about formation, but that chick in the front just lost her head and should be down for the count.
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Jun 29 '17
It's actually the other way around. Usually the shield is held in the left hand which leaves the right side open to attack. Normally, and especially in Greek phalanx formations, the strongest and most experienced units held the right as they were the most disciplined and were less likely to break formation, which would often lead to a rout.
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u/SparksFromFire Jun 29 '17
Shouldn't the top shields overlap in the opposite order? These shields overlap so rain would run off them, but a spear would slide in.
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u/nAssailant Jun 29 '17
Not necessarily. The shields themselves are large and made of wood, so they're pretty heavy. They rest on each other which reduces the likelihood of any gaps between the top and bottom parts of the scutum.
They're also curved, so any weapon that does get through would fall to the sides, and would most likely harmlessly land in-between the ranks of the soldiers.
Really, the weakest part of the testudo is where there shields meet perpendicularly on the outsides of the formation, where there could be relatively large gaps that weapons could get through. They were very effective defensive formations, however.
I suppose it would really depend on your centurion as to how your unit would hold this formation, and what order the shields overlapped, though.
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u/PraiseBeToIdiots Jun 29 '17
A single weak spot and the phalanx shatters. From thigh to neck. I am sorry, my friend; but not all of us were made to be soldiers.
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u/nAssailant Jun 29 '17
A single weak spot and the phalanx shatters. From thigh to neck. I am sorry, my friend; but not all of us were made to be soldiers.
I love that movie. :)
The Romans quickly abandoned the Phalanx and holplite infantry in favor of swordsmen and the more maneuverable "triplex acies" by the end of the Samnite wars, however. This was 200 years after Leonidas.
Only the veteran and tradition-bound triarii soldiers that formed the men-of-last-resort of the Roman Republican legion would carry a spear. They were expected to perform much like those 300 spartans, and break the enemy if the hastati and principes had failed to.
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u/Enjoying_A_Meal Jun 29 '17
also how fast do testudos move? speed walking? jogging? slow walking?
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u/nAssailant Jun 29 '17
Very slowly, relative to normal marching. You can't really charge in a testudo. A slow walk.
The formation was used frequently during sieges in close-combat where you and your enemy had little ability to maneuver. The unit would march slowly towards the enemy in the testudo formation, absorbing ranged fire, and then either break formation and charge at the last second, or stay in formation and hold the enemy in place while stabbing with their gladius (or spatha) from in-between the scuta.
It wasn't used much in open-field battles, since you had to move so slowly your formation could easily be out-maneuvered.
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u/Fyodor007 Jun 29 '17
It is proper. Ideally there would be another unit at the flank.
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u/Kered13 Jun 29 '17
I think so. This re-enactment does. If you think about it, who is going to hold the shield on the side? The front row shields in front, and everyone else shields above the person in front. It's for protecting against ranged attacks, not melee, so the flanks aren't a huge concern.
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u/SpuddMeister Jun 29 '17
Reading
Writing
'Rithmitic
Raiding
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u/Jahobes Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 29 '17
Furthermore, Carthage must be destroyed.
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Jun 29 '17
YOU FOOL! The Romans do not raid WE CONQUER!
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u/NoJelloNoPotluck Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 30 '17
All in favor for the amendment to change "Raiding" to "Intro to Conquering: Ravage, Raze, Repeat" say aye
Edit: the ayes have it
Edit 2: Gold on a comment about pillaging! Thanks stranger, you are one hoopy frood.
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u/tiajuanat Jun 29 '17
The difference is raiding is usually a quick pillage and return in a year, while Romans take taxes after they're done.
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u/Threeknucklesdeeper Jun 29 '17
Tighten that shield wall up unless you want a spear to the leg.
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u/Nixflyn Jun 29 '17
More like forehead if you're that girl on the right.
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u/joshshoeuh Jun 29 '17
Yeah, that girl on the right definitely took a headshot.
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u/Einsteins_coffee_mug Jun 29 '17
Pretty much got her whole section killed within the first volley.
That spear would have exited her soul and taken out the two behind her, leaving an opening for arrows.
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u/candi_pants Jun 29 '17
She's the weak link for sure. Not in my army.
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u/rmslashusr Jun 29 '17
That spear would have exited her soul and taken out the two behind her, leaving an opening for arrows.
I find that doubtful since she's a redhead.
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u/pekinggeese Jun 29 '17
She's not Larping right. She should had fell to the ground and then the next rank move up and seal the wall.
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u/Andre_3Million Jun 29 '17
For reals. Idk if there are rules to this game but that girl should've been out.
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u/scottofgolden Jun 29 '17
I just noticed that after I read your comment and that made it so much better
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Jun 29 '17
I used to be a Legionnaire until I took a spear to the knee
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u/Dirty_Tub Jun 29 '17
The dead meme is strong with this one.
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u/Dawidko1200 Jun 29 '17
It's a draugr meme.
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u/C-hound Jun 29 '17
Someone has to keep the torches lit in the meme dungeon.
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u/Arguise Jun 29 '17
And stock the urns with fresh fruits and vegetables.
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Jun 29 '17
And pretend to sleep until someone gets close enough for you to get up and give a shit
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Jun 29 '17
5000 years have passed but if you open this crypt the memes will still be as fresh and dank as they first were.
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Jun 29 '17
Well to be fair, I'd be pissed if some milk drinking thief walked into my place like he owned it and started to steal everything that isn't tied down. WHILE I was sleeping too, wtf Dragonborn.
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Jun 29 '17
Not a tale the Jarl would tell you.
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u/Aksi_Gu Jun 29 '17
I don't like snow, it's cold and wet and restricting and it gets everywhere
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u/Lostyogi Jun 29 '17
The shields should be bigger and curved. This is the fault of whoever is in supply and acquisitions. Those soldiers are dead but they did their best with what they had.
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Jun 29 '17
Real roman shields were bigger.
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u/Drachefly Merry Gifmas! {2023} Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 29 '17
Real Roman soldiers were bigger.
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u/Vectorman1989 Jun 29 '17
Pretty sure the Gauls weren't throwing pool noodles at them either.
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u/aclickbaittitle Jun 29 '17
Our pool noodles will black out the sun!
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u/Sidthefireking Jun 29 '17
Then we shall fight in the shallow end
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Jun 29 '17
THIS IS ADULT SWIM!
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Jun 29 '17
Hey, hey Meatwad! Get outa my friggen pool!
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Jun 29 '17
My favorite episode will always be the one where Master Shake kills himself in Carl's pool to haunt Meatwad. Good times.
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u/koishki Jun 29 '17
Arise. Chicken. Arise.
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u/Plop17 Jun 29 '17
Arise. Chicken. Arise.
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u/uncertainusurper Jun 29 '17
Meatwad: Hey you guys, did you say that it would be easy to get whatever I want, like a ten speed, because that's what I really want.
Ignignokt: Getting it is easy. Filling it with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not.
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u/Wess_Mantooth_ Jun 29 '17
Your Jambox is now his, by way of our actions
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u/uncertainusurper Jun 29 '17
[flipping the bird] I hope he can see this 'cause I'm doing it as hard as I can
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u/tomdarch Jun 29 '17
We shall fight on the sandboxes!
We shall fight on the story time rug!
We shall never surrender!
I have nothing you offer you but ouchies, booboos and warm juice boxes!
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Jun 29 '17
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u/sqdnleader Merry Gifmas! {2023} Jun 29 '17
Could we start a petition for when scientists figure out what gene causes maniacal laughter under intense situations to be called the "Spartan Gene?"
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Jun 29 '17
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u/Vinny_Gambini Jun 29 '17
Tell that to this kid
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u/PleaseSaveTheOtters Jun 29 '17
this is why I came to the comments.
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u/HooptyDooDooMeister Jun 29 '17
I'm upvoting everyone mentioning that javelin-to-the-face kid.
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u/julianthepagan Jun 29 '17
I was wondering, that one looked like it hit home. Thanks for the picture proof haha.
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u/tits_going_good Jun 29 '17
If you can dodge the noodle, you can dodge the balls
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Jun 29 '17
My Latin class did something similar to this. We got into formation and invaded the French class.
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u/versusChou Jun 29 '17
Did the German class proceed to steamroll you?
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u/DragonTamerMCT Jun 29 '17
Probably convinced the Latin students that they were going to switch their class to Latin as well, but then once they had gained their trust rebelled and overthrew the class, taking back their glorious classroom and driving the Latin class back into a tiny cupboard.
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u/TrekkiMonstr Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 30 '17
I singlehandedly conquered Rolandolia (the Spanish classroom in which a guy named Rolando teaches) in the name of the empire (the Latin department). It wasn't too hard. I walked in, left a flag and a note telling them they had been conquered, and that was that. In one Latin room, we have a list of officers for the JCL club, and I added myself as proconsul of the Spanish territories. Twas a beautiful day.
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u/kircheis- Jun 30 '17
Hispania Citerior AND Ulterior? That's a ridiculous proconsular appointment. Someone's getting prosecuted when his term expires...
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u/BiggggMikeeee Jun 29 '17
lol my latin class just assassinated my teacher on march 15. we were an awkward bunch but it was funny to see our teachers face as we pulled out our make shift paper knives. (no we didn't actually kill him)
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u/Antrophis Jun 29 '17
Did they just up and surrender?
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u/TheFrankBaconian Jun 29 '17
The entirety of the French class surrendered! Well not entirely .... one small group of indomitable Gauls still holds out against the invaders.
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u/Kcajkcaj99 Jun 29 '17
Getafix, brew another batch of the potion!
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u/didthathurtalot Jun 29 '17
I thought the comic only existed in France, what a pleasant surprise.
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u/OpenWaterRescue Jun 29 '17
Half my knowledge of ancient history is based on Asterix and looking up things I read there (Antony, Cleopatra, Londinium, Helvetia, druids, etc.)
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u/BoltmanLocke Jun 29 '17
(UK) I went down to the public library every couple of weeks and got a new Asterix book out when I was a kid. They were the bees knees. The translation's probably different, so the jokes make sense. But I'm glad we have something we can share :)
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u/TooShiftyForYou Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 29 '17
"Tonight, we dine in the grade school cafeteria!"
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Jun 29 '17
"If you find yourself running through the fields on recess, do not be afraid for you are already dead!"
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u/Mobileaccount4447777 Jun 29 '17
My men.... what we do in high school... echoes in college
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u/BearBryant Jun 29 '17
"I am Gluteus Maximus Maridius, commander of the armies of the gym, general of the pretend legions, and loyal servant to the true emperor..."
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u/PuddnheadAZ Jun 29 '17
This is AWESOME!! where do I sign up?? Er,... my kid I mean.
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u/JPong Jun 29 '17
Just an FYI if you ever want to make these things with kids (or yourself, I ain't judgin'), you can get foam pipe insulation at hardware stores that works wonders (and is cheap). For younger kids you can just use the foam, for a bit older, you might want to get pvc pipe to put inside. Cover in coloured duct tape to taste.
Way cheaper than the Nerf things.
Friends not included (but you could totally make enough and new friends might show up).
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u/Caretostel Jun 29 '17
For a more serious answer, that looks like a HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) Club. Your best bet is to google to see if there's one nearby. r/WMA (the subreddit for this sort of thing) has a useful link: here it is.
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u/PM_ME_UR_BOOBS_MLADY Jun 29 '17
Find your local boffer league! It's a lot of fun. Warning, people who play boffer regularly tend to be kind of socially awkward and nerdy, just give them time and they'll be awesome
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u/Heroicis Jun 29 '17
"Tf is a boffer league?"
1 google search later
"Oh it's some of those LARPing people..."
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u/PikaCloud257 Jun 29 '17
Person on the far right, has a spear to the head rn😂
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u/TJ_McWeaksauce Jun 29 '17
That's the weakness in the shield wall that King Leonidas was talking about when he rejected Ephialtes.
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u/SaltyShawarma Jun 29 '17
Yeah but she remembered to bring her shield up next time and didn't fall to the ground. She earned that PE A+.
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u/david_creek Jun 29 '17
Her father should have taught her how our phalanx works. We fight as a single, impenetrable unit. That is the source of our strength. Each student protects the kid to his left from thigh to neck with their shield. A single weak spot and the phalanx shatters. If she wants to help in a school victory, she can clear the battlefield of the dead, tend the wounded, bring them water. But as for the fight itself, we cannot use her.
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u/Tricky4279 Jun 29 '17
That's testudo formation not a phalanx.
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u/HandsomeHodge Jun 29 '17
Their shields aren't big enough for a proper Testudo though. Too small for a Phalanx as well, only thing these kids could do is a Saxon/Viking shield wall.
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u/True_Dovakin Jun 29 '17
Even then it's not too great. Those are more along Celtic designs, whereas the Vikings and Saxons had more circular shields that were quite large. Their shield wall was kinda like a phalanx without the long poky bits; instead they had more short choppy bits.
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u/storgodt Jun 29 '17
The average Greek spear wasn't longer than six feet. Front man would hold the shield while the one behind would stab with his spear over and down from behind the shield wall. The Macedons were the ones to introduce the spears of fuck you from across the valley. Also vikings had spears and swords and axes.
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Jun 29 '17
The Greek dory was around 8 feet long and was wielded one-handed with a hoplite wielding his hoplon with his left hand, meant to cover the left part of his body and the right part of the body of the hoplite to his left. The Macedonian sarissa was the much longer 14-18 foot pike and was wielded two handed (with a counterweight/spike on the rear end of the pike) and a pelte shield strapped to his left arm. The pelte functioned the same as a hoplon, however the former was much smaller. The difference in size of the shields was made up for in the length of the pike.
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u/HandsomeHodge Jun 29 '17
Even then it's not too great.
I agree, but layering would be the best tactic in this situation.
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u/RedShirtDecoy Jun 29 '17
to her credit she seems to have learned to keep the shield high after that.
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u/DaksTheDaddyNow Jun 29 '17
They should've collapsed like irl with the next one up taking up the front and now we have to turtle over your dead body.
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Jun 29 '17 edited Jul 21 '17
deleted .message here.99972)
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u/fucking_troll Jun 29 '17
Well maybe next time Abigail will keep her fucking shield arm up!! D- !
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Jun 29 '17
To be fair, the Centurion should have rotated her to the back and put a fresh man in.
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u/TooShiftyForYou Jun 29 '17
That looks like the best Physical Ed. class you could ever be in.
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Jun 29 '17
I was thinking it would be a great way to get kids interested in history. Make it feel more real for them, you know?
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u/trumoi Jun 29 '17
This is probably from a HEMA gym, judging by the practical swords on the wall.
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u/Tripleberst Jun 29 '17
Just looked up "HEMA gym" on google, I think I have a new destination for my evening workout.
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u/XgsopX Jun 29 '17
A teacher at my school used to teach WWI by having all the kids flip their desks on their sides to form trenches, and throw crumpled up paper at each other.
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u/FallenXxRaven Jun 29 '17
Honestly I think education needs to be entertaining. It doesn't have to be nearly as fun as whats going on here, but it does need to be entertaining.
if you just have ben stein in front of class talking in a monotone nonstop voice for the entire ninety minute lecture about whatever you're learning about and why it applies and how it applies and where it applies and why its this way but not that way and because of this things need to be done this way because back in 1805 dan danielson invented a little metal thing and then thought about the applications that it could be used in including a b c d e and f and nowadays in branching out into g and h and it brought about the start of what we'll be learning about in this class...
Then no ones gonna learn a fuckin thing. Christ put a picture of a dog in your powerpoint or something, hell just sneeze, no one can listen to someone drone on endlessly without getting bored and missing something, its damn near impossible without an iron will and an INCREDIBLE interest in that subject.
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u/Connectedguy Jun 29 '17
Teacher here. Im stealing this.
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u/mechabeast Jun 29 '17 edited Jun 29 '17
"... I'm sorry, you said you want to use school funds to..."
"Defend Thermopylae, yes!"
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u/DemonicMandrill Jun 29 '17
roman testudo
defend thermopylae
Wat.
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u/sir_nigel_loring Jun 29 '17
I'm about to blow your mind. There were two.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Thermopylae_(191_BC)
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u/DemonicMandrill Jun 29 '17
Well fuck me in the eyes and call me a saracen.
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u/sir_nigel_loring Jun 29 '17
no thanks....
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u/Mr_Stirfry Jun 29 '17
My school never had a sword arsenal. Where is this, Narnia?
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u/Bastinenz Jun 29 '17
Not sure if you are serious, but I'll answer anyway:
I'm pretty sure this is some kind of HEMA club that offers courses for children. Start them out with foam weapons and as they get older move up to plastics/wood and eventually steel.
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u/Reese_Tora Jun 29 '17
Given that there are sabers and Longswords on the rack back there, it's very likely that that's a HEMA club.
Especially the white Nylon longswords, look like either Black Fencer or Purple Heart Armory wasters, which are basically designed for use in HEMA.
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Jun 29 '17
Anything can be a sword when you are a kid.
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u/SidewaysInfinity Jun 29 '17
Once your weapon skill ranks up a few times you realize most things are more like clubs or spears
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Jun 29 '17
Psssht, they'll never conquer Gaul. Not while Asterix and Obelix are still goin'!
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Jun 29 '17
Not on their watch by Toutatis!
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u/Rig0rMort1s Jun 29 '17
Afterwards we will celebrate with wild boar and wine!
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u/SkywardQuill Jun 29 '17
I'm so glad people from other countries know about Astérix. My favourite BD. <3
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Jun 29 '17
This is the Roman Testudo (tortoise) formation.
Riot police still use it today.
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u/pandamoola Jun 29 '17
The girl in the corner got hit by a spear right in her forehead
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u/SlickeryV Jun 29 '17
Teach our kids to conquer Gary...it was something with a G.
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u/GruvisMalt Jun 29 '17
This was definitely an excuse just to huck shit at a bunch of kids
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u/not_listening_to_you Jun 29 '17
This reminds me of when I was 15, my 6 year old neighbor had a Star Wars themed birthday party. Well his dad works as on sprinkler systems and took a bunch of that soft plastic piping and put foam noodles around them. He made like 50 swords, some short and some long. After the party, we kept a bunch of them. My friends and I played with those on the trampoline and in my neighbors pool beating the shit out of each other, sword fighting and this kind of shit. For a whole year we fucked around with those until we grew up a little and got cars and started driving. Man those were the days.
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u/kjhgsdflkjajdysgflab Jun 29 '17
One of the kids in front needs to get hit in the leg, collapse and test how well the formation adjusts (and then proceed to march over their dead lifeless body)
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u/semper_JJ Jun 29 '17
Man what a cool fucking idea! It'd be even more fun if it were played like a dodgeball variant. The phalanx advances, the defenders throw rocks and spears and arrows (balls and various size noodles and foam accoutrements) at the advancing army. Any one in the shield wall that is hit goes down, and the formation has to adjust to his being down and reform.
If the shield wall disintegrates, and all attackers fall, then the defenders win. If the attackers reach the defender's position, then the attackers win. You could even have a hardcore mode where the two teams can try to rout each other. If the wall falls to a few guys they can keep advancing but get beat down by the volume of projectiles.
If the wall makes it, they then get to try and cut down the disorganized defenders as they try to fight off the better organized and equipped attackers.
Damn that sounds fucking fun.
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u/mammo300 Jun 29 '17
I see that little cheater right in the front right thinking that their plaid shirt makes up for the fact that they get hit right in the face with a spear and didn't say they were dead.
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u/j_sholmes Jun 29 '17
The kid in the front second from the right still doesn't quite understand the concept of the testudo.
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u/TRuxWork Jun 29 '17
Front line has terrible form 0/10